Hi Everyone,
I moved together with my bf who has a daughter from a previous relationship (turning 5 in 2 1/2 months) and my son who is 9 (turning 10 in two months). I am new to the blending families construct, so I would appreciate any advice and or help given.
My son and I moved to a different city (my's bfs) to live together seven months ago. While intitially the shift was smooth, there have been some difficulties with us adjusting to a different city. My son is still attending school in his own town, but of course it has been a huge adjustment for him. With finding new friends, living with a male adult (this is the first live-in serious relationship that I have had since separating from his father 5-6 years ago) and becoming a big brother to my bf's daughter who stays with us only every other weekend. My son stays with us every other week.
I have some challenges with my son already as it is which is totally normal at his age with food preferences and screen time. But overall he is a good kid. Doing well in school but is a bit sad sometimes due to a bully in school and feeling caught in the middle between his father and I as his dad hasn't quite moved on. He's really sweet to my bf's daughter and really tries his best. I've noticed perhaps since the fall that my bf's attitude towards my son change a little bit. He can be sarcastic towards him sometimes ( I notice immediately but my son doesn't), talks about his father in an indirect matter (calls his father lazy), and discplines my son differently than his own daughter. In fact he doesn't discipline his daughter at all and says that she's only four years old.
It's been a series of things that I have taken note of, but the pot sort of ran over a couple of days ago. First, his daughter's mom accused my son of calling the daughter dumb and ungrateful, which I find to be completely not true. My son adores his "little sister" and does things constantly to be nice and for her to be comfortable (even though it can be a bit much for him that she constantly needs to be the focus of attention, can be spoiled at times, or he needs his space and she constantly wants to be around him). On the otherhand, I've heard the daughter call all of us "dumb" when we have gently tried to correct her. Gently telling her to wear her gloves when it is minus degrees outside, snowing, and she was sick the week before....you get the idea. I have also heard her mother arguing with my bf calling him ungrateful, etc. So I know where this is coming from. Instead of opening a dialogue with all three of us (meaning the mother, my bf and I). He chooses to have a phone conversation with the mother alone in a different room, tells me what my son said to his daughter without me knowing the context of the situation, what was said, when it was said etc. All I was told is that the mother usually talks with the daughter about feelings, and the daughter felt sad because Benjamin called her dumb and ungrateful. When I asked why didn't the mother contact us about it earlier instead of informing my bf the day before the daughter is to come to us, he didn't answer. He didn't acknowledge the fact that the daughter facetimes with my son and the mother didn't bring it up then.
I didnt get a straight answer and was told that we are to speak to our son today about it. When I asked my bf to ask the daughter alone about what happened when he picked her up, I got no follow up with that either.
The pot really ran over last night when she was with us and we were watching television. The daughter had snacks and was smacking with her food really loudly. Normally it doesn't bother me, but it was really loud. If/when my son smacks his food, my bf immediately corrects him, tells him off, and even said one time that if he doesnt stop that he is going to eat in the kitchen alone. I sat and observed what would happen next, and he didn't say anything to his daughter at all and she was sitting in his lap. I kindly asked him to ask her to stop (as I don't think its my place as she only stays with us four days a month and she has her parents to discipline her). He told me that I could tell her. I responded with that I think its best if you tell her. Then immediately (the daughter doesn't speak english so she didn't understand what we were talking about) he switches the focus on me asking if I have a beef with him, or that I have been tense a lot lately, or why am I making a big deal about it. Or where's that warm and loving woman that I know. It left a not so good feeling in my body when he said those things, almost felt manipulative.
I kindly said that I just think that it is only fair that both children have the same set of rules. That he can't get angry at my son for eating his mouth open and threaten him, and not correct his daughter when she does the same thing. He can't get cross for eating all of his dinner but completely skip dinner for her and give her chocolate (when I cook meals for all of us). Or get angry with my son because he eats messy sometimes but he still spoon feeds his daughter at her age. Somethings of course age has to be taken in consideration, but its almost like he's treating his daughter as though she is a toddler and expecting my son to be a full grown adult.
I pointed out that this can cause, if not has caused already discomfort and resentment with my son staying with us as he sees he's treated differently.
My bf hasnt really gotten the chance to raise his daughter as she stays full time with her mother in a completely different city. So I understand that he may not understand the logistics of things. But something is telling me that this is different, based on his reactions and how he always tries to switch things around and say its my fault.