Blown my top

[climbingamountainash]

I've been a step-parent for 10 years. My DH and SS are incredibly close which I've embraced and respected as I am equally as close to my DS (who as an adult no longer lives with us).

My SS is at uni and returned home at the beginning of December for the holidays. Even though he lives in a flat with a washing machine he brings all his washing home to us when he visits. This has stayed in our utility room since he arrived as I don't feel it's my responsibility to do a 20 years olds washing for him.

He's going back today and started doing his washing at 10pm last night. This has continued this morning. The tumble drier has been on continuously since this morning. Whilst he's been home he has consistently cooked late in the evening leaving his mess in the kitchen.

He has literally done nothing to clean up after himself or contribute any effort for the entire stay.

I've ignored all of this to avoid bad feeling but the washing situation today pushed me over the edge. I asked him why he didn't take responsibility for his washing if he knew he was returning today. I suggested that not to have done so is not exactly behaving like an adult. I also added that because the tumbler costs so much to run I don't use it anymore as with proper planning of what needs to be washed it doesn't need to be used anyway. But my efforts to keep our energy bills down have been wiped out because it's been on virtually 24 hours.

In the last year my DH and I have argued over the fact that he treats SS like a baby doing everything for him and pandering to his every need. I've said this when SS behaviour has impacted on me by making more work for both of us clearing up after him. Both of them are incredibly careless and since SS has been home a number of things in the kitchen have been broken, spilt and wasted. My DH treats this as a joke and a "oh well we can get another one". But things haven't been replaced.

My DH treats his DS like a little emperor and idolises him. It's become worse as SS has got older. Sometimes this hero worship attitude he has about him makes me feel so sad for my SD who doesn't get anywhere near as much attention let alone adulation. It's like he only has one child.

I've realised that my DH is actually emotionally immature. We do not communicate very well in conflict as he becomes very defensive and minimises my feelings. He avoids any emotional stuff.

Today I feel as if I've reached the end of my tether with my it all.

I don't expect life to be perfect but I don't feel if my feelings are given any respect at all. We have a good life apart from this situation and I've tried to put this problem in a box, focus on all the positives but I feel it's made me a push over saying nothing and now I've actually said something it's like I'm the person in the wrong.

Clearly as has happened before, my DH is annoyed with me for saying something. I've literally got in my car and just driven away for some peace and quiet.

If you've got this far, thanks for reading. If you've got any helpful suggestions please offer them up. Thank you.

Your expectations are not unrealistic. My DSS wouldn’t dream of behaving like this. His room and bathroom are frankly a disaster area (teens, hey?) but he would never leave dirty things in the communal areas. My own DS was much the same.

Not sure why the OP should be the one to ‘just pop the SS’s laundry in and clean up his mess’. He has a father who dotes on him, apparently, but it doesn’t seem include doing any actual housework for him.

It’s the usual MN story, step mums need to be the silent, compliant skivvy while dads laugh off disrespectful behaviour.

It sounds like a lot of built up resentment.

It can be annoying when kids come home from university. Even your own kids. I used to get irritated by my daughters, when they left dishes in the sink and were just generally messy when they came home.

The thing is that your don't have the unconditional love for stepchildren, so your level of tolerance is much less.

Take a little time or for yourself and focus on you. In the grand scheme of things this isn't a big deal, but I understand the annoyance.

Thanks for all the supportive replies and suggestions. I do really appreciate them. And, I am taking them onboard.

I feel vulnerable enough having shared my backstory but didn't want drip feed. Equally I don't feel it's necessary to disclose any more personal information about the dynamics of my SS's DM and those dynamics as that wouldn't be right.

So I'm going to leave it there and try to go forward positively. Thank you again though.

I think it's human nurture to find things annoying when it's anyone other than your own children doing them.
My 17 year old lives away from home so when he comes home I'm more than happy to cook for him and tidy up after him. He does actually just put his own clothes in the washing machine and hang them out though. For anyone else's children I wouldn't want to be basically slaving away after them.

This sounds like a last-straw kind of thing, more complicated than just banning the boy from using the tumble dryer (which is presumably not off limits to other family members who are worth the 7 pounds of energy cost if they don’t plan ahead on some occasions and need dry undies). Surely people realize that when an extra person is added to the household for a time (houseguests, a family member who only is there part time) you should budget extra for when those extra people are around? That your efforts to reduce the utility bill on all the other days still help? Jeez, my kid is not college age yet but frankly I’m delighted when she has to rush at the last minute to dry her own laundry (because she does it herself and doesn’t rely on me to do it anymore!)…there’s a lesson there that will eventually pay off in him learning to plan ahead. Kids cost money partly because they are not efficient learners and have to do things a dumb, not as cost efficient way a lot of the time first. Even college kids. Inefficiencies are part of the cost of raising them. Maybe it’s better to pay the cost of inefficiency than make him feel like the house is not his parent’s home, but a place he only has minimal “privileges”.

@climbingamountainash , wow some of these comments are unreal. I really feel for you. As a few others have said it's clear to me that this isn't just about the washing, it's an accumulation of things. I've been in similar situations in my own blended family (I am SM to my partners DD and DS) and I know how frustrating and upsetting they can be, especially when we don't feel supported by our partners.
I know in my own situation there are a lot of mixed emotions at play; guilt at the break up of the family unit being a big one, and not wanting to dole out any further angst, sometimes at the detriment of any supportive guidance and boundaries. I often feel my SS has zero respect for me and my wishes in the household and my partner allows this and dismisses my feelings. I'm sure many people would say I overreacted at things, but when you look at the bigger picture it's always a build up of resentment over a long period of time. My SS is extremely ungrateful of everything, when he is so fortunate in many ways. So sometimes I find it really hard to let go of things that he does/doesn't do when perhaps I should, as they aren't individually big things. But cumulatively they are huge. It's very difficult and my partner and I have had couples counselling, mainly over the fall outs around his son . Many on here would say just leave him, but away from these issues our relationship is very good.
It sounds as though you have done your best , but perhaps keeping quiet about things isn't the best way to go and you should try to have a more honest conversation with your partner about his son and your feelings on not being supported. I wish you well ❤️