Blown my top

[climbingamountainash]

I've been a step-parent for 10 years. My DH and SS are incredibly close which I've embraced and respected as I am equally as close to my DS (who as an adult no longer lives with us).

My SS is at uni and returned home at the beginning of December for the holidays. Even though he lives in a flat with a washing machine he brings all his washing home to us when he visits. This has stayed in our utility room since he arrived as I don't feel it's my responsibility to do a 20 years olds washing for him.

He's going back today and started doing his washing at 10pm last night. This has continued this morning. The tumble drier has been on continuously since this morning. Whilst he's been home he has consistently cooked late in the evening leaving his mess in the kitchen.

He has literally done nothing to clean up after himself or contribute any effort for the entire stay.

I've ignored all of this to avoid bad feeling but the washing situation today pushed me over the edge. I asked him why he didn't take responsibility for his washing if he knew he was returning today. I suggested that not to have done so is not exactly behaving like an adult. I also added that because the tumbler costs so much to run I don't use it anymore as with proper planning of what needs to be washed it doesn't need to be used anyway. But my efforts to keep our energy bills down have been wiped out because it's been on virtually 24 hours.

In the last year my DH and I have argued over the fact that he treats SS like a baby doing everything for him and pandering to his every need. I've said this when SS behaviour has impacted on me by making more work for both of us clearing up after him. Both of them are incredibly careless and since SS has been home a number of things in the kitchen have been broken, spilt and wasted. My DH treats this as a joke and a "oh well we can get another one". But things haven't been replaced.

My DH treats his DS like a little emperor and idolises him. It's become worse as SS has got older. Sometimes this hero worship attitude he has about him makes me feel so sad for my SD who doesn't get anywhere near as much attention let alone adulation. It's like he only has one child.

I've realised that my DH is actually emotionally immature. We do not communicate very well in conflict as he becomes very defensive and minimises my feelings. He avoids any emotional stuff.

Today I feel as if I've reached the end of my tether with my it all.

I don't expect life to be perfect but I don't feel if my feelings are given any respect at all. We have a good life apart from this situation and I've tried to put this problem in a box, focus on all the positives but I feel it's made me a push over saying nothing and now I've actually said something it's like I'm the person in the wrong.

Clearly as has happened before, my DH is annoyed with me for saying something. I've literally got in my car and just driven away for some peace and quiet.

If you've got this far, thanks for reading. If you've got any helpful suggestions please offer them up. Thank you.

@comfyshoes2022 - I have apologised to my SS.

That's precisely when my term dates were, too. Holidays are so long because work is intense and there are often lengthy assignments to complete over the holidays. It's not like school.

OP you need to talk to your husband before he next comes home. Ground rules need to be set, and HE needs to set them. There's no reason for him to be bringing washing home - or at least not ALL of his washing. He should of course clean up after himself, and your husband should be on his back if he doesn't.

It's so frustrating. I have a 21yo step son and he's much the same.

He has literally done nothing to clean up after himself or contribute any effort for the entire stay.
I've ignored all of this to avoid bad feeling but the washing situation today pushed me over the edge.

Exactly. The washing situation is what pushed you over the edge, but it's not really what this is about. It's like when you had a bad day at work, the car wouldn't start, the dog's been sick on the carpet, you forgot to buy milk and then someone asks you what's for dinner WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT'S FOR DINNER AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO EVER THINKS ABOUT THESE THINGS....

It even has a name - trigger stacking. Your spare capacity for dealing with things is already stretched to the limit so one small thing on top has a disproportionate effect.

Which means that it would be a mistake to make this about using the tumble drier. Ignoring all the other stuff to avoid bad feeling has just resulted in the bad feeling erupting in the wrong place. It seems likely that this is going to happen again unless you can find a way to talk about what it's going to take for you to feel comfortable and respected in your own home. If you feel you can't have this sort of conversation without it giving rise to an argument, then maybe it's time to consider getting some professional help? Either to boost your own confidence and give you some ideas about how to approach it, or to facilitate an actual discussion.

Where’s the step daughter in all this?

I assume SS doesn’t have a job. DS was back from uni and a pile of washing appeared, smaller than I was expecting. So I actually told him to bring bedding and towels back next time (he only brought what he would need whilst home and we have spare towels and bedding) But he shares a house with 10 students with one washing machine and one inefficient tumble drier, so with the combination of that and typical student lack of desire to do the washing, not much gets washed during term time.

DS has a job in the holidays and he was pretty much working full-time so I was happy to take on the washing as work fewer hours.

But your main issue is with your DH

DS1 broke up at the end of his first term at uni at the beginning of December and his new term doesn't start until 21st January, so OP's step-son could well be at uni.

Sympathies @climbingamountainash
The cost of running the drier would have been the same if he had used it once a week or X times in one day. Irritating that he left it to the last minute. Tell him what days you don't use the washing machine.
The kitchen mess, blind eye to his dad doing it. As long as you don't do it.

The breaking stuff happens. People can be careless. Whatever it is, stick it on a shopping list for dh to source and purchase. Seems unlikely ds/dh would think to do it himself unless it directly impacted him. eg broken remote control type thing.

Much sadder is the favouritism. Been there and seen it too. If you have point blank told dh that dd will remember the differences all her life, then you can't do anymore. Having said that, my df had a word with my dm about her favouritism. She just got nasty with me, probably guilt at being caught out. Hard to know what to do for best.

Your dh is stuck in a routine or habit of waiting for you to soothe or cajoul him out of his hump. That would grate after a few years! I can only hope you leave him to it. Acting out needs an audience, hard to performatively ignore you if you haven't 'noticed' he is.

Sounds like work, home, kids, dh, attitudes, inconsiderations and biting your lip have really piled up on you. Is it death by a 1000 cuts and no turning back or do you think blowing off steam has cleared the air a bit?

University students bringing home every single washable item they own over Christmas is a time honored tradition. The machine’s at the parent’s house are “free” and much nicer.

leaving it to the last minute is also pretty normal, though definitely annoying.

@twocatsandhappy - thank you for your understanding- it's appreciated. I don't know what to do or what the outcome will be as I haven't slept and can't think straight. I've learned that my expectations are unrealistic from reading the consensus since posting though. Pitching in isn't the norm it seems, so I need to get my head around that.

Ho does your stupid husband treat his poor daughter? That’s bothering me.

Hi OP. I don’t know why the MN tribe have laid into you so much. Your SS sounds like an entitled little shit and I am not surprised you lost it. But I agree with others who have said you also have a DH problem. Not sure what to advise but I think you and your DH need to have a big chat about what you expect in terms of support in the home and with SS. I don’t think it’s a ‘LTB’ but I would be taking a long hard look at things and if this life is working for you anymore. (Why people think you should be doing a 20 year old’s washing I have no idea, either). Sending you a hug and a ‘you are not being unreasonable at all’. Xxx

I don't think your expectations are unrealistic. At what point should someone be responsible for themselves?

The dishes can't be left indefinitely, someone has to do it. Why can't a 20 year old? Maybe he still needs a push in the right direction at that age, so your DH should be doing that.

If his son thinks that things just miraculously get tidied away and done whenever he makes a mess, god help his future wife. This stuff needs to be taught so that future generations can have healthier relationships. The resentment of 'wifework' is real and comes into play in a lot of relationships.

My 12 year old son puts his plate in the dishwasher after dinner. I'll be showing him how to use the washing machine in the not too distant future. I want him to have a healthy relationship and teamwork is part of that.

Thank you @DoloresDelEriba

It is very annoying when they come back from uni.

DS is in his first term and is at uni an hour away. DH offered to drive him back the Sunday before term because he wanted to bring his X box and gaming monitor.

DS got incredibly drunk the night before and was unable to leave at lunchtime. It took until I got home from elderly DPs at 4 to tell him to shift himself as it wasn't fair to expect DH to take him after work for about a 2.5 hr return journey.

He left his room an absolute state and also the kitchen when he was back.

It is frustrating when they are allegedly adults but in reality somewhere in between. At least as it is my own DS going forward I can lay down the law. Also I did his washing for the same reason. Maybe you could have told your DH that either he or DS needed to sort the washing out and put the impetus on both of them, I don't know.

Not my children no, they'd be more than welcome.

but he is is fathers child in his fathers house so he obviously welcomes him to use the appliances

If a 20 year old is capable of cooking they are capable of cleaning their mess up. It’s actually quite disrespectful of him to leave pots behind especially knowing you’ve just cleaned the kitchen after your meal. Has he been told if you cook you clean? The washing being left lying around would have bothered me if it’s in the way. The use or cost of the washer and drier wouldn’t because he would have used that much anyway but leaving stuff lying around is again disrespectful. Your expectations aren’t unrealistic and I think if your both close enough he can call you mum your close enough to tell him it’s not ok to leave mess the way he does (especially if his dad doesn’t)

Honestly unless your relationship is over with DH I'd just do the washing, at least it's on your terms. Unless you're going to change this situation, it won't change. Your DH is the problem

I think the problem here is that it's been left unaddressed for so long. So the laundry had been in a pile and DH hasn't encouraged DSS to do it, and the plates and dishes are not being sorted.
I think after DSS goes this time, you need to sit down with DH and explain how it makes you feel. Tell him that you feel annoyed when you have to push away laundry for weeks and weeks on end, and sort out congealed food. And it's not just a one off, it's every day/holiday.
It's similar to the dishes on dishwasher leading to divorce https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288#amp_tf=From%20%251%24s&aoh=17372769999434&referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&ampshare=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.huffpost.com%2Fentry%2Fshe-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Tell him it's not the individual laundry basket or the drying cost or the dishes per se .. it's what it represents. It represents DSS not respecting your home and the work you do to keep it clean and tidy. And by DH just accepting DSS attitude and not backing you up or encouraging him to clean, you feel he doesn't respect you either

I completely agree, but as a step child it’s not seen as acceptable behaviour. Makes me very happy to not have my kids subjected to a blended family, which can work but often don’t.

Sorry you're so stressed with this OP, it must be tough to work in a full time, stressful job then come home and be expected to run around after family too.

From your SS perspective this is normal behaviour, he's still young, during term time he'll be working hard to be an "adult" and look after himself. When he gets home for the holidays he wants to "collapse" and be a six year old for a while. He calls you mum, he treats you like one....it's the grown up equivalent of after school restraint collapse.

The real issue here is that your dp and you aren't on the same page. He neither shares the workload nor the responsibility of getting SS to do a bit more, then he sulks and refuses to talk to you when you get fed up and blow up.

Do you want to stay in this situation? If you do, accept that SS won't have magically changed before the next holiday, sit down with your dp and put a plan in place.

For now though, he's gone back so enjoy the peace.

I think you're in the right, OP, this would drive me mad. Not because he's a step son ( 20 is not a child, ffs) but because he's thoughtless and spoilt. At that age I had been working for 3 years, paid rent, and looked after myself & cleared up after myself. Maybe women are expected to grow up more quickly, but I can't see any woman putting up with your step son's attitude. He needs to grow up, and your DH needs to stop pandering to him. It won't end well. My in-laws treat DH's brother like this, now he's in his 50s, still lives with aged parents who do everything for him. I think they expect DH to pick up the baton when they're gone.

Wow, poor guy.
to the above, of course he has his rent paid, he’s at uni, it’s what happens for 90% of students.

and yes, it’s about more than the washing.
my 21 year old DS came home at Christmas with a bag full of washing - he lives in a shared house with a washing machine and I bought him a clothes drier.

i put the washing on and make him a cuppa.
im nearly 50

and if I stay at my mums overnight at Christmas she does a wash for me, puts it through the drier, and makes me a cuppa.

im a step child - my heart goes out to the children and young adults I read about who are shown, over and over, that their parents house is not actually their home.

There's never been any way in which I've said or done anything to make my DS feel that this isn't his home. Because it is his home. Even with this incident taking place. When he left for uni I decorated his bedroom so it was a grown up decor when he came home for the first break as a surprise, including his en-suite and it cost me over £600. I don't think that's an example of making him feel it's not his home. He has had his GF to stay whenever he wants and we feed her too. As his SM I have done everything that I've done for my DS because we had both boys full-time. I treated them the same and they consider themselves brothers. I just tried to do the right thing as he'd never lived with his own DM and had no recollection of any bond with her. I've defended him at school, soothed him when he fell out with his friend group when he wouldn't discuss it with his DF and countless other ups and downs. But the last two birthdays I haven't even received a text but I never said anything about that. I do feel I've put a lot of love and effort in and I thought that up till now we were a really successful blended family.

So you now consider that you are an un-successfully blended family because you blew your stack over a pile of washing? Is there something else going on because your ability to put things into perspective seems skewed?

Wow OP, you are not in the wrong, your SS is a spoilt brat, that is more than clear. To me, this would be a dealbreaker, I mean the disrespect from your husband. Can you honestly say you want to live like this for the rest of your life? And you apologised to the spoiled rotten boy? Wtf??? Your husband has worn you down so much that you feel you have to apologise for the disrespect SS has shown you and the household. This is so sad, you're basically like a frog in boiling water.

I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband and make him realise you are truly serious about the effect this is having on you and tell him you're considering divorce. If not divorce, marriage counselling should be your non-negotiable minimum.

So the mum who he has never lived with pays for his uni accommodation? That’s a strange dynamic. Where does the stepdaughter live?