Blown my top

[climbingamountainash]

I've been a step-parent for 10 years. My DH and SS are incredibly close which I've embraced and respected as I am equally as close to my DS (who as an adult no longer lives with us).

My SS is at uni and returned home at the beginning of December for the holidays. Even though he lives in a flat with a washing machine he brings all his washing home to us when he visits. This has stayed in our utility room since he arrived as I don't feel it's my responsibility to do a 20 years olds washing for him.

He's going back today and started doing his washing at 10pm last night. This has continued this morning. The tumble drier has been on continuously since this morning. Whilst he's been home he has consistently cooked late in the evening leaving his mess in the kitchen.

He has literally done nothing to clean up after himself or contribute any effort for the entire stay.

I've ignored all of this to avoid bad feeling but the washing situation today pushed me over the edge. I asked him why he didn't take responsibility for his washing if he knew he was returning today. I suggested that not to have done so is not exactly behaving like an adult. I also added that because the tumbler costs so much to run I don't use it anymore as with proper planning of what needs to be washed it doesn't need to be used anyway. But my efforts to keep our energy bills down have been wiped out because it's been on virtually 24 hours.

In the last year my DH and I have argued over the fact that he treats SS like a baby doing everything for him and pandering to his every need. I've said this when SS behaviour has impacted on me by making more work for both of us clearing up after him. Both of them are incredibly careless and since SS has been home a number of things in the kitchen have been broken, spilt and wasted. My DH treats this as a joke and a "oh well we can get another one". But things haven't been replaced.

My DH treats his DS like a little emperor and idolises him. It's become worse as SS has got older. Sometimes this hero worship attitude he has about him makes me feel so sad for my SD who doesn't get anywhere near as much attention let alone adulation. It's like he only has one child.

I've realised that my DH is actually emotionally immature. We do not communicate very well in conflict as he becomes very defensive and minimises my feelings. He avoids any emotional stuff.

Today I feel as if I've reached the end of my tether with my it all.

I don't expect life to be perfect but I don't feel if my feelings are given any respect at all. We have a good life apart from this situation and I've tried to put this problem in a box, focus on all the positives but I feel it's made me a push over saying nothing and now I've actually said something it's like I'm the person in the wrong.

Clearly as has happened before, my DH is annoyed with me for saying something. I've literally got in my car and just driven away for some peace and quiet.

If you've got this far, thanks for reading. If you've got any helpful suggestions please offer them up. Thank you.

Completely understand your frustrations at both SS and DH
Do you think your relationship has run it's course?

The beginning of December to the middle of January? Are you sure he’s at uni?

It's fairly typical of a 20 year old to dump the washing and hope it magically gets clean. Obviously not your job so it would have been down to your dh if he wanted to.
No one did it so ss has taken responsibility, if there were rules around using the drying that should have been mentioned in advance. He has washing he is going to use the drier as it's the easiest option. Your dh should have spoken to him if you are not using it. Also your dh should pay extra for the cost it shouldn't impact on you financially.
I can't see what your dss did wrong or why you felt the need to have a go at him. It's his house too, he's washed some clothes and got told he's not acting like an adult . And that he should know not to use the drier.

He's aware that I've not been using the drier. I've encouraged him to do his washing since he arrived in early December because the huge laundry bin full of it that he brought home has been in the way in the utility cupboard.

Last time he was home I showed him how to hang his clothes on the drier so they'd dry properly because his sweat shirts and joggers are so thick. I've tried to support him in case he didn't know how to do it.

I've asked him nicely and gently to clear up if he starts cooking in the kitchen that's been cleaned after I've cooked in it but he's ignored that because he knows his father cleans up after him. I feel so frustrated to come down to see pots and pans and plates that haven't even been rinsed so it smells and congeals.

This isn't the first time he's been hugely annoying and inconsiderate in ten years but it is the first time I've expressed being annoyed. I've hidden it and taken myself out of the situation. I always said that I didn't want to end up arguing about our respective children.

My DH has for the past two days has been in a bad mood about something unrelated to me. When he's like this he shuts me out and stays in a strop expecting me to talk him out of it. Due to pressures at work I literally haven't had the headspace to deal with him behaving like a baby. Everything has built up in me. Today I just lost it but how much is one person supposed to take?

Realistically, how much does a day of drying cost? Is that worth the fall out for a couple of ££. Do you wash SDD clothing? Also at some point over the last 6 weeks, could you not gently nudge DP to address the dirty laundry issue .....

Yes he is.

My niece came home around that time and goes back to Uni on Monday.

Uni schedule, is not like school.

My thoughts exactly.

All for the sake of a few pounds.

He’s doing the same amount of washing whether he spread it out or he did it all today. I don’t really get the issue with that.
Its annoying but hardly uncommon for a 20 year old uni student to have a different schedule to you and cook late, even leaving a mess.

Losing it just seems really over the top.
Do you just have an issue with his son being there in general?

I know EXACTLY how you feel OP. It's tough and well done for coping with it thus far - have you got built up resentment or have you managed to work through that?

My ex DP put me back in my box if I dared to show any frustration or emotion about this sort of stuff. I was made to feel that I was in the wrong. It is so frustrating when the reaction to bad behaviour is the focus rather than dealing with the bad behaviour. My relationship didn't survive.

What do you think you'll do?

If I use my washer a few times on one day and my dryer I'm looking to around £7 a day. I'd be really resentful if someone had their own washer and dryer and decided to use mine instead

You would be really resentful if your child or your husband’s 20 year old child who has a low student loan to live on spent £7 on tumble drying in your home once since September?

It’s not really comparable to some total rando using your appliances.

Sometimes this is the thing with these threads, they view the step children as total randoms, ignoring the fact that allowing your child to tumble dry some clothes in your home on their uni holidays is really totally normal behaviour. It’s not being a pushover, it’s not being a mug, it’s in the normal sphere of parenting a uni age child.

When he's like this he shuts me out and stays in a strop expecting me to talk him out of it.

Your husband is shit, and a terrible father. Would you not prefer to enjoy life?

Not my children no, they'd be more than welcome. But a step child adult who could of washed things as needed in their own home, but decided to bring it all to my house hoping I'd wsh/dry it for them & left it for 6 weeks? + the dirty pots and not tidying up after themselves. Absolutely I'd be resentful

Sometimes this is the thing with these threads, they view the step children as total randoms, ignoring the fact that allowing your child to tumble dry some clothes in your home on their uni holidays is really totally normal behaviour. It’s not being a pushover, it’s not being a mug, it’s in the normal sphere of parenting a uni age child

I would never have a step child, I know for a fact I'd be resentful of having to put time, energy, effort, care and finances into someone else's child. If other people can do that without being resentful then that's lovely of them, it's just not for me ( coming from a woman who has had a really loving involved step dad from being 2 years old to now )

£7........in 6 weeks - pretty tragic to squabble over in my opinion. A decent box of cat food costs £15 now and probably lasts 3-4 weeks and I don't squabble over it. I would not blow lid over £7, but I suspect this issue isn't over money, but something deeper lying. "Partners kids are not my kids." If you relationship with you DSS is so poor you can't discuss dirty washing which has been sitting for 6+ weeks in YOUR home, you need to think about your relationship with your divorced step kids. I would have just thrown my step kids washing in with everyone else's then maybe gently nudged that he could hang up or fold up etc.

Point being why should op mentally reduce spending family money every day for 1 supposed adult to fuck that up because he cba to organise his own life.? And sap df says nowt...
Bet the fact dh is in a mood with you is related to the non bowing down to dss...

DS mum pays his rent (in a luxury flat) at uni plus all his bills. He gets a £400 allowance from his father. He also has his father's debit card which he uses to pay for all his groceries.

He lives a very charmed life.

Trust me, I've put up with a lot of very inconsiderate issues that have occurred in last 10 years. SS and I have never had a bad word between us before. He refers to me as his mum.

In every single instance of things that have happened in the past I've told myself it's not worth having an argument about but I'm only human and everyone has a tipping point.

All I've asked for is a little bit of respect that it is my home too and if I work hard to keep it clean, get the best energy deals to save us money and then 3 items are in the drier because he couldn't be bothered to plan ahead a bit is that really me being unreasonable?

24 hours to dry 3 items?

I thought you were being slightly unreasonable until you described the difference between his DS and DD.

@w0w it's ok clearly you feel I'm in the wrong here, I understand that. I bitterly regret saying anything when I consider the details. Because it hasn't been worth the upset I'm feeling now. I'm not after sympathy just some helpful suggestions of how to retrieve the situation. The reference to just three items was the about the fifth load of the same. But hey I'm obviously over-reacting.

I read these threads and never cease to be gobsmacked by how much step parents loathe their new partners children. Why did you marry someone who already had kids?

I'd have had the fuse out of that drier last night knowing it would be used today, and pretended it must have broken.

No funking way is a drier going on for 24 hours in this house.

The leaving a mess in the kitchen every night would annoy me but to be honest the washing I would have just stuck it in the machine myself weeks ago now! I’d do the same for my own child so why not my step child? Yes he should have’s done it himself but 20 year old lads are not really known for being amazing at domestic chores are they, he’s still got some growing up to do. What has he been wearing for the last 6 weeks though, surely he’s needed clothes washing in that time??

I suspect this is much deeper than the washing and leaving cooking stuff around. It appears to me that yours and your DH's values don't align when it comes to parenting.

Do you resent his charmed life? For the record, I would. To have his dad's debit card to be able to buy himself what he likes is ridiculous. Is that going to happen with all the children? It looks like his DS is running rings around your DH and your DH is just rolling over and not teaching him to be an adult. Massively unattractive.

I read them and can't comprehend how any women can fancy a man who is such a shit father, and who sulks at them.
OP could be enjoying a happy, peaceful life.