OH thinks I should be doing more

[KhakiGoose]

Throwaway account. I actually posted this on another step-parenting forum recently but wanted to get some more perspective as after yet another conversation with my OH about it, I feel like I’m going around in circles. This is going to be long, sorry.

I’ve been with my partner for a year now, we don’t live together and I have no plans to. I have DS13 and DS10 and he has one DS who is 4, and we both have 50/50. Our Sundays with our respective kids fall on opposite weekends so I spend my free ones with OH and his son.

I'll admit that when I met his son (very early on in the relationship which with hindsight I wasn't 100% comfortable with) I did put maximum effort in to everything the whole time we were together. Obviously I wanted it to go well and my OH was also super keen for us to start to 'bond’. His son is sweet enough but I find him very 'full on' and quite demanding of time and attention. For example he doesn't seem to be able to play by himself for even very short periods of time (he will start sobbing and saying he can't and doesn't know how to etc when suggested to him). When we are playing, all his games involve being very physical, pretending to be things (pirates, aliens etc), hide and seek, the floor is lava, that kind of thing. Even when we sit down and watch a movie or show, it's a constant running commentary on everything and just doesn't feel like a remotely relaxing experience. He's only recently in the last couple of weeks starting sleeping in his own bed consistently (after I pretty much insisted on it) and will still wake up needing OH a few times a night. I do also find him quite baby-ish in other ways, such as still having a dummy, having a bottle of juice at bedtime, using a buggy etc, but I try to keep my parenting preferences to myself if it's not directly affecting me (like the sleep issue was).

Anyway, for various reasons I haven't been sleeping well at all for the past 3 months or so, have been dealing with a few chronic health issue flare ups, and struggling a bit with anxiety. As a result I've been pretty exhausted. I work a fairly mentally demanding job, and as mentioned have two boys of my own who also have busy schedules. I've found myself starting to put some boundaries in place with my OH's son in terms of taking more regular breaks from playtime, taking myself off to the bedroom for some time to rest and decompress (between 15-30 mins for example), going to bed earlier if they’re having a late movie night or where possible having a lie in on a Sunday.

During a discussion about all sorts of life/parenting things, it's come to light that my OH isn't too happy that I've taken this step back. He feels I should be making more effort to play whenever his DS wants, and should be getting up with them when it's his Sunday as the kid is excited to spend time with me and it's unfair of me to 'lie in bed for hours' ignoring them downstairs. Aside from the fact that I'm particularly exhausted right now, l'm up by 6am five days a week and often take my DS's to football matches of a weekend or am facilitating their social lives and sleepovers etc, even when it’s not technically my weekend, (which I absolutely don’t mind). I feel like I'm entitled to spend the odd Sunday l actually have off, resting and recharging a little. For context I can only think of one occasion where I did stay in bed for a few hours when I was having a truly shitty day, more often than not l'll be up and about with them within an hour or so and will then spend the whole day with them. OH says he feels disappointed that I don't want to maximise my time with his DS, that he's tired too but just has to get on with it, and that he finds it hard not to be sad when DS is excited to spend time with me but l 'choose to sit on my phone ignoring him’ instead.

I've told him that I'm giving everything I have right now. It's not that I don't care, don't like him or his son, or want the relationship to go backwards. But I'm not a bottomless pit, I'm a human being with my own needs and wants and I'm struggling to give everyone and everything in my life 100% or even 80% right now because I'm so run down. He says he understands to a degree but has essentially told me that unless I can be all in, I should just stay at home when he has his son as he can't cope with the disappointment. My stance is that it shouldn't need to be so black and white, all or nothing. We should be able to compromise, he should be able to trust me that I'm not just being lazy and I will give as much effort as I possibly can (which yes may look different on any given day), and that it might perhaps be a valuable lesson for his son to learn that people aren't robots here to cater to his every whim every waking minute of the day.

Am I being selfish?

Please get rid of this utter CF!

He wants a free nanny. I'd dump him.

Wow.

Come on - you know you can't put up with this.

I’m here to join the cries of “wake him up, kick him out!”

Hypocritical twat.

Glass of water, right over the head - get up, get out, see you later you shitty little waster 👋

What a bloody hypocrite! He is totally using you op.

Please tell us you woke him up and kicked him out. What a usless, lazy prick

He's NAPPING? In your house when your sons are over, after berating you for trying to do the same in his house when his son was over?

Let's this be the reason you need to get rid of him. I have a feeling you're going to be shocked at what he comes out with when you have the conversation, including when he tells you you're not different from his ex.

Just seen your update OP please dump him and don't let him try and guilt trip you into going back with him. he brings nothing to the table. Find your anger and be done with him

"I’m so done."

Good! This man is an absolute user.

Wow. What an awful awful man.

Glad to read that you are done. You will feel so much better once he is out of your life and wonder what the hell you were thinking.

He feels I should be making more effort to play whenever his DS wants, and should be getting up with them when it's his Sunday as the kid is excited to spend time with me and it's unfair of me to 'lie in bed for hours' ignoring them downstairs?

I really, really wish I was making this up, but this man is currently napping in my bed (after spending a grand total of 40 minutes with my DS2)

O.M.G. please please PLEASE send your two children up all excited and shouting "get up we wanna play" in their biggest, whiniest voices. Get them to dance around the room squabbling over who gets the man's attention first. Then you go up and insist on him choosing which game he's playing - making tents in the front room or baking cookies (or whatever you know he hates doing). Kids can keep bouncing on the bed in excitement. I reckon it would only take 5 minutes before this prince suddenly remembers he should be elsewhere. Have a little fun at his expense. Then lock the door, block the phone, and thank your lucky stars.

I would either run or take a massive step back and just see it as dating until the children are older if it were me OP.

My ex DP has two children, I have one. We've recently split up after 5 years of living together. I really tried to make our family unit work but his youngest is very high maintenance - couldn't spend time by himself, separation anxiety, it was exhausting. His needs took over the whole house. I suspect undiagnosed ND and he has a medical complication.

I ended up doing the lion's share of domestic chores and became a mother figure to his DC while he was never interested in my DC. Rarely had a conversation with my DC. Didn't ask how he was, how school was, wasn't interested in his life and never spent any one on one time with him. I resented that massively and feel terrible for not having the courage to speak up for our needs. I think different parenting styles play the biggest part in blended families, it's likely they won't align and resentment builds for both adults. It's very difficult telling someone you don't agree with how they parent their children.

I ended up a shell of myself. Being in a situation where you can't speak up, where your needs aren't being met, where your opinions aren't listened to is a shit situation to be in. I became frustrated and anxious and a lot of how I was feeling was blamed on perimenopause when in reality it was my situation. I realise I don't trust my own reactions and emotions anymore and I've got a lot of work to do to build myself back to the person I was before we met.

I'm not saying it will be as extreme as my situation, but it was so gradual you almost don't know it's happening until it's too late. I wish I had been able to advocate for myself and my son, put better boundaries in place and knew that I was a people pleaser!

You've got to do what's right for you and your DC. Don't try and mould yourself to someone else, it doesn't end well.

This is fantastic advice 👏

OP don't have a conversation. It's not worth your energy. Dump him by text! Then immediately block on everything.

What if he's still there, asleep?

Definitely make the most of your child free weekends by being just that- not looking after a 4 year old! Meet friends or family or just stay home having a lie in, eating what you want when you want, surely that sounds better than having disturbed sleep at your partners house and having to run around a park?!

Men often pretend they don’t see the value in “wifework”. But we know they do because they actively avoid it and slyly manoeuvre their partners into doing more and more. They don’t feel bad about it either and will resort to weaponised incompetence rather than clean their own houses. Look at how many women post on here saying they both work full time and she does everything while he does nothing or enjoys his hobbies.

Caring for a child is work. Entertaining children and counselling are jobs that people get paid for doing. Mentally clock up all those hours you’ve spent working, entertaining his kid and listening to him being a crybaby, and compare that to how many hours similar “work” he’s done for you. And he has the audacity to whinge it’s not good enough.

If you’re going to stay with him, you really need to match his effort and don’t be shy about it either. Be very straight that you wont be spending weekends with his kid anymore because he doesn’t bother with yours. Take a leaf out of his book and prioritise yourself.

Yeah based on your latest update- this is not the man for you. What a selfish tosser. Though I do feel for his poor little boy if/when you break up with him as he was clearly enjoying having someone that wanted to play with him (at least some of the time!) unlike his dad by the sounds of it. What a mess. Not your mess though- you're best off out of it.

Not to mention that the OP could have spent those hours focusing on the needs of her own children, resting, doing a hobby, taking care of her needs and so on. Why give so much of yourself to someone you've known for five minutes?

Well done OP I can see the scales are starting to fall from your eyes. It's very very hard to be objective and see the bigger picture and it will be like ripping off a plaster but just see it as short term pain for long term gain, as if you look ahead into the future you will be able to see more of this and worse and you will be more invested, more exhausted and a shell of your former self, like so many women before you. Harder to leave when you are in that kind of state than where you are at now. I've just ended a very intense 3 month relationship as i saw (with the help of family and friends) the "nanny with a fanny" warning signs . It hurt like hell but two weeks on the overwhelming feeling is relief!! Peace is very underrated ! I wish you all the best as you sound like a lovely person who deserves someone who is on the same wavelength and is as considerate and mature in their thinking and behaviour as yourself xx

Yes!

When I met my ex DP he cooked, cleaned, changed the beds, kept his house clean and tidy. But when we moved in together, slowly but surely I ended up doing all the shopping and cooking, washing, changing beds, and managing the cleaning.

He would do stuff if asked but my view is...why should I be manager? When I said I was overwhelmed with the constant meal planning and prep and cooking he suggested... 'just order what you ordered last week and I'll ask Chat GPT for some meal ideas' 😂He participated just about enough without actually doing anything practical to ease the load. My son said to me once... 'why does DP and his DC get to play on the Xbox together and you have to do the cooking all the time?' Bloody good question!

When we split up he was merrily shopping, cooking and changing the beds. It boils my piss. He had the audacity to say 'you've changed', too right I've bloody changed, I'm a ball of frustrated rage that feels undervalued and taken for granted and you've put me back in my box enough times where I don't feel safe enough to bring stuff up. Add to that, the constant stress and unpredictability his life with his DC is and it's no wonder I lost myself.

After we split up he implied that it is me that put the expectation/pressure on myself to try and give the kids a healthy varied diet. He said he would have been happy to cook for his DC so I could have just cooked for me and my DC. Funnily enough, I wasn't looking for a housemate.

I'm really trying to keep an open mind about meeting someone in the future, but ANY sign of them taking the piss or not being a team player, they'll be shown the door. Also I think, as women who often 'love too much', we could do with recognising the signs of people pleasing and learn to move past this.

He would do stuff if asked

Yep. Or “just tell me what needs doing” while surrounded by mess.

The trouble is, it comes naturally to some women to care take, and they exploit this. When I met my ex, I wanted to do things to make his life easier and to show I cared. I wanted to be nice to his kids too. Fast forward a bit and you realise it’s not reciprocated and they haven’t cleaned the bathroom for five years and you’re now doing everything. And they’ll let you, or go in a mood because you brought it up.

If I had a Time Machine I would shake my younger self. I have wasted years doing wifework for men. I could have had various hobbies. Seen friends more. Done courses and improved my career or just sat on my arse. Never again.

I’ve taken a step back and my DP was so upset by it that he finished the relationship, although he quickly backtracked on that.

Please tell me you didn’t take this man back after that.

You are not being unreasonable. I definitely think you should swap your weekends with your children if you can, so that you get a child-free weekend to completely get the rest you need, and manage your energy effectively.

On the weekends when you all have kids, spend some weekends together as a blended family when it's appropriate, and some weekends apart. You might find it easier with all 3 as the 10-year old and 4-year old can race around?

The 4-year old sounds exhausting. I don't blame your partner for feeling a bit ugh that you get to take a break and he doesn't, but that's a thought he should very much keep to himself, because you are unwell and it is his child.

I'd also be taking a step back when you are present. If you are going to the park and building a den, get your partner off gathering sticks while you 'watch the buggy' (what does it do? Magic tricks?).

But ultimately, you need to talk to him and if he's serious about you becoming part of their family officially as step mum, you need to outline your boundaries. Bio parents get to lie down and lie in when they are unwell - well, when they're in healthy, respectful relationships they do. What he expects from you is v unreasonable.

He is only 4 so I think the way he behaves is perfectly normal. You should take a step back and stop spending so much time with them, leave them to it some weekend. There is no way I would want to be spending my child free weekends looking after someone else child. In reality the best thing you could do is change the weekends so that you both have your children the same weekend.