OH thinks I should be doing more

[KhakiGoose]

Throwaway account. I actually posted this on another step-parenting forum recently but wanted to get some more perspective as after yet another conversation with my OH about it, I feel like I’m going around in circles. This is going to be long, sorry.

I’ve been with my partner for a year now, we don’t live together and I have no plans to. I have DS13 and DS10 and he has one DS who is 4, and we both have 50/50. Our Sundays with our respective kids fall on opposite weekends so I spend my free ones with OH and his son.

I'll admit that when I met his son (very early on in the relationship which with hindsight I wasn't 100% comfortable with) I did put maximum effort in to everything the whole time we were together. Obviously I wanted it to go well and my OH was also super keen for us to start to 'bond’. His son is sweet enough but I find him very 'full on' and quite demanding of time and attention. For example he doesn't seem to be able to play by himself for even very short periods of time (he will start sobbing and saying he can't and doesn't know how to etc when suggested to him). When we are playing, all his games involve being very physical, pretending to be things (pirates, aliens etc), hide and seek, the floor is lava, that kind of thing. Even when we sit down and watch a movie or show, it's a constant running commentary on everything and just doesn't feel like a remotely relaxing experience. He's only recently in the last couple of weeks starting sleeping in his own bed consistently (after I pretty much insisted on it) and will still wake up needing OH a few times a night. I do also find him quite baby-ish in other ways, such as still having a dummy, having a bottle of juice at bedtime, using a buggy etc, but I try to keep my parenting preferences to myself if it's not directly affecting me (like the sleep issue was).

Anyway, for various reasons I haven't been sleeping well at all for the past 3 months or so, have been dealing with a few chronic health issue flare ups, and struggling a bit with anxiety. As a result I've been pretty exhausted. I work a fairly mentally demanding job, and as mentioned have two boys of my own who also have busy schedules. I've found myself starting to put some boundaries in place with my OH's son in terms of taking more regular breaks from playtime, taking myself off to the bedroom for some time to rest and decompress (between 15-30 mins for example), going to bed earlier if they’re having a late movie night or where possible having a lie in on a Sunday.

During a discussion about all sorts of life/parenting things, it's come to light that my OH isn't too happy that I've taken this step back. He feels I should be making more effort to play whenever his DS wants, and should be getting up with them when it's his Sunday as the kid is excited to spend time with me and it's unfair of me to 'lie in bed for hours' ignoring them downstairs. Aside from the fact that I'm particularly exhausted right now, l'm up by 6am five days a week and often take my DS's to football matches of a weekend or am facilitating their social lives and sleepovers etc, even when it’s not technically my weekend, (which I absolutely don’t mind). I feel like I'm entitled to spend the odd Sunday l actually have off, resting and recharging a little. For context I can only think of one occasion where I did stay in bed for a few hours when I was having a truly shitty day, more often than not l'll be up and about with them within an hour or so and will then spend the whole day with them. OH says he feels disappointed that I don't want to maximise my time with his DS, that he's tired too but just has to get on with it, and that he finds it hard not to be sad when DS is excited to spend time with me but l 'choose to sit on my phone ignoring him’ instead.

I've told him that I'm giving everything I have right now. It's not that I don't care, don't like him or his son, or want the relationship to go backwards. But I'm not a bottomless pit, I'm a human being with my own needs and wants and I'm struggling to give everyone and everything in my life 100% or even 80% right now because I'm so run down. He says he understands to a degree but has essentially told me that unless I can be all in, I should just stay at home when he has his son as he can't cope with the disappointment. My stance is that it shouldn't need to be so black and white, all or nothing. We should be able to compromise, he should be able to trust me that I'm not just being lazy and I will give as much effort as I possibly can (which yes may look different on any given day), and that it might perhaps be a valuable lesson for his son to learn that people aren't robots here to cater to his every whim every waking minute of the day.

Am I being selfish?

You've been with him a year and he is already manipulating you about his son! I'd get out now to be honest.

He's not your other half. He's your boyfriend! It's fine to have a boyfriend (I have one!) but do not give in to doing partner/wife duties with them or for them. That has to be agreed, not just expected.

I understand how demanding a four year old can be. I have my granddaughter for a full day once a fortnight and she's delightful and we have a great bond. However, it's exhausting. I am in my early 70's and obviously don't have work to wear me out nor chronic health issues. I think, like others have said, that your DP was looking for someone to take on childcare. I would reconsider the relationship if I were in your position.

I don't think you're selfish to want time for you. You are clearly a very busy woman and a year isn't that long to be taking on the responsibility of 'step' which to me is how he is coming across

As others have said, he's not able to fulfil his son's physical needs by himself and so wants you to help out and possibly do less himself (because that is a possibility).

A lot of dads want an easy life when it comes to parenting and will choose the easier option first rather than push their minds for what to do with the child (Pinterest is great for ideas).

What I did have a bit of a question over were the comments that he's 4. He shouldn't have a dummy. He has a juice bottle at bedtime. He's full on/wants attention etc. The buggy I don't really agree with unless he has a health issue but he's 4. 4. He's still so young.
In an ideal world a dummy would be gone but he's splitting time between a mum and dad who are no longer together and it's a comforter. Is it that big a deal?
Would a water bottle be preferred?
A drink is a drink preferably water, I'd suggest that to dad maybe (if you haven't already).
And of course he wants attention. He's 4. I don't know of any small child who doesn't like or want attention.

It sounds like you really need a rest.
Burnout.
Can't pour from an empty cup and he shouldn't be guilting you into doing something you don't want to do nor have to do.
Don't be guilt tripped but equally take into consideration that the child is still young.

All of the choices that OP's partner has made are because he's lazy. Stick a dummy in your toddler and they'll shut up and you won't have to soothe them yourself. Don't bother with teaching a child to play independently, just pick up a new wifey to constantly keep them entertained whilst you play Pokemon on your phone. Don't worry about waiting for your child when walking around, strap them in the buggy, push, job done. Extra points if the buggy needs "looking after" and you can use it as an excuse to take even less responsibility. Give him a bottle of sugary juice at bedtime because it keeps him happy, and unlike a cup there's no risk of him spilling it everywhere. And if he ends up needing 8 teeth out under general anaesthetic, that's a few more hours of rest. Win win. Except for the child.

Oh dear.
I feel you're being used.
I would work out ways you can get some time to rest from your busy caring for your kids before spending more with this needy little boy.
You might need to draw a line with his dad IE end it

Not sure why you quoted me.

I said water is best to drink.
Buggy is a no unless for health issues and seeing your point about shutting the kid up... I hadn't thought about it like that but now I have I see that as a huge possibility also.

When I was first a stepmother and young mother I had quite a few "issues" to overcome because my DSCs had been constantly entertained by the adults around them (parents, grandparents, great aunts, nannies...) and hadn't learned to entertain themselves or play independently. One big plus in my book of having a SAHM from a child's perspective is that it just isn't possible to entertain a child/children 24/7 and you naturally look for safe ways for them to entertain themselves as quickly as possible (which aren't screens...) whereas when parents see their children far less, and children are cared for by other invested adults, the available adults don't reach their own saturation point and children are entertained by a rota of adults. I'm not saying this always happens but it can do and I suspect that the OP's OH hasn't thought about it and is assuming that entertaining his child, or having the OP entertain his child, is the only course of action, even if he himself has reached saturation point.

If the OP wants to carry on in this relationship she needs to have a conversation with her OH about parenting and what is good for the child.

I've heard many criticisms of childcare in my life, but children getting too much attention is not one I've ever heard!

I'm yet to see a nursery well funded enough for each child to have consistent 1-2-1 entertainment from an adult, or a parent who gets home from work full of boundless energy and ready to play schools for 3 hours. Retired grandparents, whilst in good health, are more likely to be tolerant of joining in imaginative play, but that's usually a day or two a week at max..

Any adult, invested in their own child or in their own interests to be honest, will put the work in to teach children to play independently, regardless of how many hours they work. The issue is that OP's partner has always had someone else to push parenting onto and therefore hasn't seen a need to do the work.

Are you ok op?

The absolute hypocrisy of his behaviour. No wonder you are done. Tell him to sling his hook.

I bet if you point it out he wouldn't see it either.

Sounds like your a babysitter with benefits and simply, life is too short to be spending any time doing something you don’t have to.

This

He’s 4 so yes will be full on!
Stay home if you need a break.
How much effort does he put into your 2 when you have them weekends???

You don’t know anything about the child. My autistic daughter is 8 and still uses a dummy and only recently felt able to go places without the safety of her pushchair. Talk about ableism.

Do you realise how offensive this is to SEND parents? And how ignorant you appear?

A lot of what the OP has said about the kid suggests he could have some additional needs going on so lay off with your ableist bullshit.

Hello op sorry you are going through this. You are completely in the right taking a step back and are doing nothing wrong by giving yourself time to decompress.

I’d say you are in the wrong by spending so much time with a little boy who has likely witnessed significant parental conflict that now social workers have had to step in to referee his parents. Because his parents have not realised the damage it causes children his behaviour is likely linked to this. Your OH is still not putting him first by the sounds of it and do you really want some one in your life like that? After a year there is no reason you should be spending that much time with a 4 year old and you need to consider the impact getting too close too quickly will have on him. Really his father should have considered it but it sounds he is looking for a nanny for his child rather than a partner. 1 day and huffing and puffing when he has to pay his kid attention 🙈 jeez

id say it was a massive red flag a partner with your OHs behaviours claiming he was abused…. He sounds manipulative and like a complete man child. Please be careful and look after yourself. A real man would be offering to bring you a cup of tea as you rest not pass comments.

If you do continue to spend time with your oh when he has his child remember quality over quantity. A nice family meal and a couple of games will still form a bond with him but isn’t so intense or damaging.

good luck. I think you might need it if you continue this relationship.

I really, really wish I was making this up, but this man is currently napping in my bed (after spending a grand total of 40 minutes with my DS2) because he didn’t sleep much and is too tired.

I’m so done.

I hope that you've ended this by now, OP.
All I see is a lazy, entitled man who is looking for a woman to replace the wife who has rightly kicked him out.

Yes I hope you've kicked the lazy twat out too.

This!

See it from the poor little boy's point of view. Every weekend he has with his dad he has to share him with you, OP, whether you feel your OH is being unfair by expecting you to spend 50% of time with his son. Stop being a martyr and take yourself off for a weekend with your friends or just some alone time. Let the boy have the full Sunday with his dad. Any 4 year old would want to everyone to play with them and he sounds like a typical 4 year old. (Shock: they are demanding and need constant attention) that's just how it is. I feel sorry for the child. You need to back away and give them the quality time together without you even there. That is called respecting the child's boundaries.

How much time and energy does he put in to your sons? Match that.

I've read all of your comments and I'm sorry to say that this guy just wants someone else to take care of his kid!

He wanted to go for full custody but can't cope with a few days a week! 😂

When he says that the LO misses you and wants to see you, I suspect it's more to do with HIM wanting you around.

I would call his bluff and tell him that you've been thinking about what he said and you agree with him that it's in his son's best interests for you not to be there the whole weekend.

Therefore, going forward, you will come over for dinner on a Saturday night, spend a couple of hours with them where you can give his son your all and then you will go home to give them some lovely Daddy and son time and get some much needed time to catch up on your housework, have a bit of a break etc.

His response will tell you everything you need to know. I bet you he will try to manipulate you into sticking around at the weekends he has his kid!

I bet his ex would be telling a completely different story to his about what she did and didn't do!

He is taking advantage of you. X

Yeah, nah. He wanted to you to meet his son so you could run around after the child instead of him! Does he spend time with you on the weekends you have your boys? Seriously, you need to take time for yourself - you can't pour from an empty cup. Ignore the emotional blackmail and do what you need - get some rest. I know people are quick to label children but could the son possibly be ND?

Sounds like yet another lazy man who wants a woman to do childcare. If he is constantly blaming the woman in his life for his breakups it sounds like he can't take any responsibility for his part in it. It is concerning that he lied about the length of time between his break up and getting on the dating site.
It's not your responsibility to "do more", this early on in the relationship. I wonder why he split with his previous partner?

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