DH expecting me to be more affectionate with DSS 13

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I live with my DH of 2 years, and my DSS13 who is with us FT.

DSS's mum is very much in the picture despite him living with us FT. She messages and phones him most days and they seem to have a close relationship despite rarely seeing each other (once every few months for a few hours). Phone/message contact increased considerably when I got married/moved in. I have been advocating for more regular contact/visits - not necessarily more frequent since this is up to his mum, but more regular/consistent/predictable contact so we can get a into a routine as a family, and in a way that my DSS feels more secure in his relationship with his mum.

My DH is suggesting this isn't the solution, and actually what I should be doing is providing more emotional support to my DSS- in the form of cuddles etc, to compensate for the absence of his mother. This makes me feel really uncomfortable for a number of reasons. Not least since while me and DSS have a good relationship, suddenly becoming more tactile won't come naturally to either of us. Given his mum is in regular contact with him (telling him she loves him and claiming that he is her world), I've always considered my position more like an aunt/teacher/much older sister rather than a replacement mother.

I was wondering of other's experiences of forging such a close emotional bond with their SC over a short space of time, and while mum remains in the picture.

Thanks!

I think you’re right not to want that and probably ss doesn’t either. Very clear your husband has more chance of controlling your actions than hers

It's an odd request.

Why can't he be the one to be more affectionate?

Without being too outing, I was the "mother figure" for two children who's actual mother lost custody. The boy had been extremely affectionate towards me, wanting snuggles on the sofa every night, tucked in, lots of cuddles. Past 8 he hated it and couldn't bear it. He felt it was weird and would say "I don't hug ladies. You're not my Mum or my girlfriend!" even to his grandma!

Affection should always be child led and never forced. I highly doubt this is what your SS wants of you, and it's an unrealistic, if not inappropriate request from your DH.

Do you have children? If so is your DH comparing

Your approach is right as its in the child's best interests, your DH is deluded and frankly being offensive to you, his teenage son and his actual mother and why isn't HE stepping up his affection with his actual son.
Men seem to think people with vaginas are interchangeable and all run the same programme for children, it's a piss take.

suddenly becoming more tactile won't come naturally to either of us - I was going to say this. He is a teenage boy FGS - having an unrelated woman start hugging him could feel very difficult for him. You have a good relationship with him already and that may progress to hugging one day - but you cannot force or impose this. He is likely to be very embarrassed.

Now his Dad is another matter entirely ................

My son is 13 and hates cuddles or any physical affection. I think your SS would feel uncomfortable at best.

I hate hugs, can't stand them, my family are not tactile.

I have no idea when DSD started hugging me or cuddling into me but I'd guess it was after one of the very many times her Mum let her down. She's now 18, if she cuddles into me on the sofa I just assume it's another blow up with her Mum.

She hugs her Dad a lot/ uses him as a foot rest while watching TV etc but with me it's usually related to her Mum making her feel rejected.

She started hugging me, not vice versa (and I got used to it) but I can kind of see where your husband is coming from (although only if your DSS wants a hug).

If he needs cuddles his Dad can can cuddle him!

Oh for pity's sake, this is ridiculous. DS is my biological child. I consider myself lucky if he lets me hug him a few times a week. Yesterday he let me rub his back for a few minutes. 👊Your DSS does NOT want additional cuddles!

I think if he is living with you full time however it's not unreasonable for you to take on some elements of the parental role - in the way that many men who marry women with children whose father is largely absent often do. eg considering his preferences when preparing meals, being interested in his school success/friends/sports/hobbies; developing an interest or hobby or activity that you do together even if it's just watching a particular show on TV once a week etc.

You say she says to him he is her world - is there a reason he is with you FT rather than 50/50?

I do agree with you the lad needs structure and needs to know when he is seeing his mum.

You just need to reassure the lad so he know you are there for him, you don't PDAs, my DSS and even my youngest DS would go rigid if I tried to cuddle them for no reason. Tell him you care about him or you love him like your own. Give random gifts, like clothes or xbox games or take him to mcdonalds, lots of ways to show you care.

I cuddle them all if they are upset or sad or if something happens and i'm happy for them or congratulating them, but definitely no random cuddles - plus they are boys, they smell (only joking lol)

Your DH is being completely unreasonable. You've made a good suggestion in supporting the relationship with DSS and his mother. Is DH actually suggesting this isn't a good idea? And that hugs from you is the answer? How on earth can this be good for you or DSS?

Good for him though - he doesn't have to make the effort to foster a relationship with his ex. He doesn't have to hug his own son. You can do it all! You moving in together has happened quickly. If you're thinking of having children with this man i'd think again.

Physically cuddling a teen of the opposite sex should only be done at the request of the teen.
However, you can still be very present (including emotional support) in his life if that’s what you want to.

But it’s up to his dad to compensate for your dss mother not being present.
Youre not a replacement mum!

Why doesn't his actual father pick up the slack and cuddle his own son? What crap is this, handing it over to the "little woman"???

You're absolutely right, OP, to respect your step child's personal space. If you ask if he wants a hug and he says yes, fair enough, but without his consent, that's just not on. You also are allowed to have boundaries. If you're not a hugger, why on earth would you do such a thing? I'm not and I'd probably punch anyone who grabbed me unexpectedly.

My son is nearly 12. Whilst he will give me and my mum a hug it's not as often now. At 13 teenage boys do not want many hugs and I'd imagine even less so with a step parent.
I think this is totally silly of your dh to even suggest.

I think at 13 that support could come from showing an interest in what he’s been up to, chatting over a meal or an after school catch up, watching a movie together or going shopping (if that’s what your dss is in to). I don’t feel that forcing hugs on a child who hasn’t shown any desire to be hugged by his step mum is the way to give him emotional support. If you think you have a good relationship, keep doing what you feel is right.

Poor child.
His father should be stepping up, not foisting responsibility onto the nearest woman.
Thats some idiot OP.

Mind yourself, this is not on you.

Good grief no! A 13 year old boy would freak out if his dad’s new wife started cuddling him. Any cuddling needs to come from his dad.

Men seem to think people with vaginas are interchangeable and all run the same programme for children,

Yup.

Look up the Nacho Method. These are NACHO kids, so NACHO problem.

Thanks so much for all your responses.

I try and take an interest in hus hobbies, friends, school work. I consider his preferences when preparing food. Suggest things I know he'll like to do as a family. Organise day trips. I think I'll continue doing what I'm doing.

He's just becoming increasingly withdrawn and seems quite depressed at times. He cries when it's time for bed a lot these days, and this is how the conversation about affection came about. I really hope his parents can arrange some more structure and stability for him- I genuinely feel this is what he needs.

Thanks again!

I have very gradually built up physical affection with DSD (grown girl so a different kettle of fish, but still). I was quite reticent about it and really took my time. I absolutely love her to bits but didn't want to overstep so was cautious.

Things that worked on a practical level:
Side nudge/shoulder barge when ganging up on her dad
Big hug when saying goodbye for longer trips so appropriate for the situation
Quick side hug and release
Sitting close to her but not touching when she was crying
Holding out arm on one side for her to hug or just come in for a brief nudge. It has worked and we're now really physically comfortable together - not like mother and daughter but more tactile than I am with friends.

My autistic nephew also isn't keen on physical contact without his own control so he comes in for a lean against me to the side, and will sometimes put his feet on my lap on the sofa.

To be honest, I think you're right to maintain an aunt-style relationship with him, but an aunt would give him a hug on greeting/goodbye, especially before a journey or trip away, and would offer a point of physical contact when he's crying. He needs to be okay with it so just ask him if he would like a hug.

Sorry, don't know why I've written all this down - it sounds so obvious and I don't have any special wisdom. I will say that you sound really lovely though.

Why does he not physically see his mother?

No harm in offering a hug

Altho very strange for a 13 yo to cry at bedtime

Does he have ASN?

He won't tell neither myself or his father why he's upset. It's always around bed time. I suspect maybe he's missing his mum. Or perhaps he's getting to an age where he's trying to rationalise her absence in his life- I suspect until now he didn't really think of himself as being abandonded by her, but as he emotionally matures, maybe this will become a realisation for him.

I don't understanding why his mum isn't in his life more. She's very career and money orientated from what I understand. He's always coming back from her infrequent visits with designer clothes etc. I suspect also she's feeling a little threatened by myself (another reason why I don’t feel too comfortable forcing physical affection), so perhaps a little overbearing with the phone calls and messages.

I think therapy will help and me and DH are in thr process of arranging this. I just wish we (all 3 parent figures) where on the same page.

I'm so grateful for the chance to talk about this with other step mums and to hear your thoughts!

Both my DD’s previous boyfriend and her current one hug me - this was instigated at their end. My DS is not biologically related to me but I did adopt him at a very young age and we hug, even though he’s almost 19! I would not force it on your DS though. Perhaps a reassuring hand on his shoulder or arm might be enough?

I suspect your DS is grieving the loss of his mum. She has effectively abandoned him, though it good she stays in touch it’s not the same as face to face contact and being physically cared for. I would persuade you DH for his DS to go to a counsellor to talk about it. Many schools have them but also there are others that will address the abandonment, which is recognised as a trauma in its own right.

My DH is suggesting this isn't the solution, and actually what I should be doing is providing more emotional support to my DSS- in the form of cuddles etc, to compensate for the absence of his mother.

One explanation for this view would be if he thinks of you as a generic wife and mother human appliance.

I really hope this isn't the reason but if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...

He's always coming back from her infrequent visits with designer clothes etc.

She's trying to buy his affection. We see this pattern a lot with absent fathers, to the point that it has a name "Disney dad". She needs to spend more time with him. You aren't her and cannot take her place.