DH expecting me to be more affectionate with DSS 13

[Qwerty088]

I live with my DH of 2 years, and my DSS13 who is with us FT.

DSS's mum is very much in the picture despite him living with us FT. She messages and phones him most days and they seem to have a close relationship despite rarely seeing each other (once every few months for a few hours). Phone/message contact increased considerably when I got married/moved in. I have been advocating for more regular contact/visits - not necessarily more frequent since this is up to his mum, but more regular/consistent/predictable contact so we can get a into a routine as a family, and in a way that my DSS feels more secure in his relationship with his mum.

My DH is suggesting this isn't the solution, and actually what I should be doing is providing more emotional support to my DSS- in the form of cuddles etc, to compensate for the absence of his mother. This makes me feel really uncomfortable for a number of reasons. Not least since while me and DSS have a good relationship, suddenly becoming more tactile won't come naturally to either of us. Given his mum is in regular contact with him (telling him she loves him and claiming that he is her world), I've always considered my position more like an aunt/teacher/much older sister rather than a replacement mother.

I was wondering of other's experiences of forging such a close emotional bond with their SC over a short space of time, and while mum remains in the picture.

Thanks!

That feels so sad that he is crying at bedtime at 13 years old and not usual.

I can see full on hugs may feel forced but could you feel comfortable giving some more physical contact and affection as he's clearly not getting from his mum. My DS12 and I often just sit together on the sofa and sometimes I put my arm round his shoulder. So we are companionably together but not a full on hug.

Poor boy, I don’t understand why he doesn’t see his mum more. Presumably that’s her choice, in which case I’m not surprised he’s so unhappy. His dad really needs to step up. This is not something a SM can fix.

I don't think he's crying because you're not hugging him (my teen does not want hugs and his friends don't hug parents either). You are actively being positive and doing what you can.
His dad should be talking to him about his emotions, asking him what he feels and making him feel able to open up to him.

FWIW it's very difficult for teens to open up about emotions where they feel they're being disloyal to a parent.

DSD, in the last six months or so, told one of her closest friends some things. Afterwards she said it felt amazing - not least because the friend told her what she was describing was not normal, it was emotional abuse. But they'd been friends for six plus years yet she felt she couldn't say anything.

I also think it is worse for kids when it's their Mum who is problematic. We've had teachers contact her Mum about her needing something - which then got missed. They just assumed "X needs Y, contact her Mum" when clearly if X lives with their Dad, you contact their Dad. (Dads can pack lunches, wash uniforms or buy school equipment, they don't just write cheques 🤯)

If her Dad missed something she'd happily roll her eyes and say he's forgetful because he can be, but also he rarely forgets important things. When her Mum was supposed to do something for her, and didn't, it felt like rejection.

Does your DSS have maternal family to visit? In DSD's case they all live abroad and her Mum used to promise to bring her but cancel etc so she didn't see them for a few years.

However once she got to be an older teen she started visiting them alone and it was really good for her - both because she'd imagined they hated her when they love her, but also because they can be unfiltered about her Mum in a way we can't. She knows they love her Mum, but her Mum drives them insane too.

I've always considered my position more like an aunt/teacher/much older sister rather than a replacement mother.

I have a 13SD and I personally follow the same approach as you. We get along really well and I think it is mostly down to not putting pressure on what our relationship should look like and letting her come to me rather than me force myself on her. She is at the “too cool” for parents stage and would die if anyone in the family (mum, dad, grandparents) tried to hug her without her initiating it.

I read a thread or article the other day (please nobody shoot me down it was just interesting) that by 13yrs a child has established who they regard to be “family” so it is a much more difficult relationship to try and navigate. I think you continue doing what you are doing and let him come to you or speak to you if he wants to.

Agree with this approach.

If bedtimes are hard then maybe something to distract him and wind down - my DS would still read a good book series (you / dad would have to research the topic carefully as not to clash with what he's experiencing). Or some sort of exercise like weights or rowing machine - both are popular with my son.

Obviously I don't know the dynamics of his Mum's involvement, however if I was his Dad I would work with her normal pattern of contact and not try to get her to increase it - as it often increases for a period but then reverts to sporadic or long periods of absence. The rollercoaster for the child is not helpful - better helping them to understand it not their fault and that this will be the contact going forward. Hard but more a more consistent approach.

Can you link/remember where you read this? Regarding establishing who they regard to be family by 13 years old.

Many thanks!

Poor kid, that’s really sad. Has his dad told his mum about this crying and asked her to try to see him more often?

13 is a difficult age and his tears may be difficult for him to understand - it could be about mum but also just as much about / or partly about hormonal changes . One of mine was very tearful and the other quite angry . One of mine likes a cuddle and one no chance . In your position I would be asking if there is anything you can do to help , if he would like some company ( or not) - but I wouldn’t be forcing any cuddles .

I’m surprised at your h’s advice. My experience of raising teen boys is that they don’t want physical affection at that age - even from their mum. A supportive touch on the shoulder or stroke of the arm is probably regarded as intimate enough. I would offer to tuck him in or sit with him if he liked but it sounds heartbreaking what he’s going through.
Pretty cheeky of your h to delegate emotional support to you when he should be demonstrating that it’s ok to be a man and able to discuss emotions.
When my kids were teens, they sometimes responded well to “heavy conversations “ being out of earshot of siblings and in situations where there was no eye to eye contact eg driving the car or even text message.

I agree with your approach. I'd follow DSS's lead, it would be very awkward on both sides to push physical affection.

Poor kid though, his mum sounds rubbish, all talk and no action.

Poor lad. Maybe it just brings it home at bedtime that his mum isn't there to say goodnight as she used to be. It sounds to be like you're doing really well at being his stepmum.

one of the best ways to have conversations is also if they are sat next to you in the car and they don’t need to make eye contact ..

That’s really interesting. I have a much more natural and affectionate relationship with the dsd I met at 10 as opposed to the one I met at 13. I’ve always been convinced eldest’s age didn’t help…

If you’re not a cuddly family, then a 13 year will not want cuddles from his mum, let alone step mum (no offence).

Also, can you imagine what reaction there would be my if he went home (ansduming they were in more regular contact) after staying with you saying Qwerty has suddenly started hugging me. Wouldn’t that raise a red flag?

I have been advocating for more regular contact/visits - not necessarily more frequent since this is up to his mum, but more regular/consistent/predictable contact so we can get a into a routine as a family, and in a way that my DSS feels more secure in his relationship with his mum.

This is really for your convenience. Most distance relationships don’t do well on an enforced schedule, they need some spontaneity in contact timing and length. I think you need stop sticking your oar in on this.

My DH is suggesting this isn't the solution, and actually what I should be doing is providing more emotional support to my DSS- in the form of cuddles etc, to compensate for the absence of his mother. This makes me feel really uncomfortable for a number of reasons. Not least since while me and DSS have a good relationship, suddenly becoming more tactile won't come naturally to either of us.

I think you are entirely correct in this. If the problem is indeed that DSS is suffering a lack of physical affection, then it is up to his father, your DH, to provide it in the absence of his mother.

He's just becoming increasingly withdrawn and seems quite depressed at times. He cries when it's time for bed a lot these days, and this is how the conversation about affection came about.

I think therapy is the right answer to this and am glad to see you and DH are arranging for it to happen. In the meantime, I would not impose any new changes or home grown solutions until therapy has progressed to get to the root of the problem and discover what would help your DSS.

Just wanted to agree that whilst I wouldn't want to make you nervous of any physical affection in case you were doing the wrong thing, I agree your husband has called it wrong. It's not your duty to start ramping up the hugs unless led by the boy himself. Nothing to stop your husband being more demonstrative himself. You can maintain your good relationship, being open to him as an understanding adult etc but if he's becoming withdrawn, and the circumstances with his mum are a bit complex then I'd say some therapy may be a good help rather than you being expected to conjure up a cuddly relationship out of nowhere. His father is being quite reductionist about the maternal role.

If your step-son had been younger or you'd been in his life since a much younger age, then I think it would have been natural for you to have given him a hug etc. He's 13, and it's unlikely he's going to start to want cuddles from you at this age. I think your husband is being unrealistic to be honest. You've never been overly affectionate with him, so why would you start now. It's important you and he have a good relationship, and he knows you have his back. However, building a better relationship with his Mum, especially as he doesn't see her much is equally important.

@Qwerty088 I am going to have a look for you now and will post if I can manage to track it down!

I think I would try to get closer to him as a sort of friend. Try to get him to watch some films with you, cook with you, go for walks with you. Try to show him that you care about him and want to spend time with him.

Your husband probably sees this as a female role which it isn't.

I would feel uncomfortable with cuddling a 13 year old boy that wasn't my child. They too would likely feel uncomfortable.

There are other ways to show support and affection. Let his dad cuddle him and you can find other ways.

I used to bake with my step sons. We used to plan their favourite meals and go shopping for ingredients. I'm very much a feeder so this is how I show them affection.

As young adults they still write in cards to me 'thank you for feeding and looking out for me'

There are other ways to help them feel supported and loved.

Your step son is feeling abandoned and depressed by his mum and your Dp is trying to get you to step up and fill the role of mother? You know yourself that Ss would feel uncomfortable with your hugs because of his age and if anyone were to step up it’s your Dp. You can’t erase your Dp’s ex abandoning her teenage child by hugging, you can’t step in and replace mum in son’s life, your Dp is being ridiculous. That poor boy needs counselling to come to terms with his feelings and to feel secure in his home. You carry on doing what you feel is best and tell your Dp that his son is grieving and no matter what you do Ss needs to go through the process with understanding and unconditional love. Your Dp is the type to bring home a puppy and expect his son to get over his grief because of a quick fix solution to make him happier and forget his grief.

From another perspective- the dad is (rightfully IMO) worried about his son. As a boy the dad probably/hopefully got affection and comfort from his mum and as a grown man seeks it from the OP. Maybe his request is a bit clumsy (and maybe a bit sexist) but he’s probably trying to help his son. While I agree the OP can encourage him to offer this himself, I don’t see we need to “pile on” to him, personally.