DH expecting me to be more affectionate with DSS 13

[Qwerty088]

I live with my DH of 2 years, and my DSS13 who is with us FT.

DSS's mum is very much in the picture despite him living with us FT. She messages and phones him most days and they seem to have a close relationship despite rarely seeing each other (once every few months for a few hours). Phone/message contact increased considerably when I got married/moved in. I have been advocating for more regular contact/visits - not necessarily more frequent since this is up to his mum, but more regular/consistent/predictable contact so we can get a into a routine as a family, and in a way that my DSS feels more secure in his relationship with his mum.

My DH is suggesting this isn't the solution, and actually what I should be doing is providing more emotional support to my DSS- in the form of cuddles etc, to compensate for the absence of his mother. This makes me feel really uncomfortable for a number of reasons. Not least since while me and DSS have a good relationship, suddenly becoming more tactile won't come naturally to either of us. Given his mum is in regular contact with him (telling him she loves him and claiming that he is her world), I've always considered my position more like an aunt/teacher/much older sister rather than a replacement mother.

I was wondering of other's experiences of forging such a close emotional bond with their SC over a short space of time, and while mum remains in the picture.

Thanks!

It sounds like you're taking the right approach. Physical affection like hugs should always be child led. It's good for him to have a supportive step mum in his life and maybe over time the relationship will deepen more towards being a mother figure, but pushing physical intimacy where either party isn't comfortable with it isn't going to achieve that. It needs to build up naturally. Listen, involve him, let him know you care, those things are important and it sounds like you're doing them already. Mental health support, family therapy could be good. If he'll talk to someone about how he feels his dad can get some idea of what he actually wants and needs. Even if you were really close that wouldn't necessarily make a difference to how he feels about his absent mum, to how much it hurts him. He needs support to work through that, even if he wanted hugs they're not going to solve the issue or take away the hurt.