Blending

[blendingstruggles]

I 3 years into blending our families and it's just getting harder.
I've been in my sc life for 3 years now. I have 3 children of my own too.
At the start sc adored me and couldn't wait to see me. Said how much he loved me and couldn't wait to come to our house. Suddenly around 18 months ago, things changed. He started to say unusual things like having been shown pictures of his parents wedding (he was only 4 when being shown these). It became obvious his mother had been saying things to upset him and stop him from liking me. No matter what I tried he just didn't want to know me anymore.
So I've spent the last 18 months adopting the 'nacho' method. I've still been there to support my husband. I'm still welcoming and friendly to sc but I haven't forced anything. I've kind of thought Im here if he wants me but it's obvious he doesn't. He stares at me and when I look up he quickly looks away. He does anything he can to avoid spending time with me.
I'm thinking of asking my dh to have a chat with him and work out what's wrong. It's making me feel uncomfortable in my own home.
I'm also struggling with dh. My kids are here 90% of the time. Sc is here eow and one mid week night. It's like my dh doesn't want to do anything when it's just my kids. He gets so excited to plan things when sc is here and when it's mine here there doesn't seem to be that effort. I want to take my kids on holiday this summer. For a lot of reason I won't go into, dh can't afford to take his dc but also I'd like some time with just mine. We've already taken his son away twice and my eldest hasn't been away with us at all yet and my youngest only once. He was fine going away without some of mine but now he's saying he won't go away without his dc.
There has been a lot of hurt and resentment has built up. I need to get past it all. It is destroying my mental health and I need to make some changes to myself.
Please no criticism as I've come on here looking for some help and support.

He sounds like a good man and good dad OP.

My DP is the same. But he also came with unsettled children and lots of uncertainty about the financial and legal implications of his divorce from a high conflict ex who believes he should pay her as an EoW dad and also have the kids 50-50 (informally so she can take that back at a moments notice).

He is trying to change this. But while it all rumbles along (possibly forever) no blended living arrangements can be considered. I would be too exposed here.

Another point that I suspect is relevant to your situation: Once the family home is sold presumably your OH will have capital. If he doesn’t invest that in a property and stays renting then part of his capital will be considered income under CMS which may motivate the exw to apply for a maintenance variation. Perhaps your own income and assets could be dragged into the pot at this stage?

I am not a lawyer but this is worth checking out. The two of you renting together might then need to be reconsidered.

This could be the starting point for a discussion around either ‘living apart together’ (this is rational in second marriages with kids and complex liabilities) or how an arrangement with an equal contribution of capital, income and labour might be achieved.

Good luck OP. You’re obviously a kind person and good parent who has fallen in love with a man who sounds like he is the same.

It’s just never that simple, unfortunately.

@Unblending thanks for the kind words and for understanding.
The house doesn't have a lot of equity as they haven't owned it that long. It's below the threshold to impact things like uc. Also he is paying child maintenance even though he technically doesn't have to as he is unwell and unable to work. He still pays a small amount as he wants to help towards his child. He is indeed a good man as you have suggested.
It is an unfortunate situation and I honestly didn't think it would all be like this. My exh and I had our divorce done within 3 months and the financial side a further few months. No courts involved. Dp exw unfortunately turned nasty and like I say she thought she could get loads of things that were just unreasonable and the courts have told her that. It just cost a lot of money and stress to get there.
Hopefully the house will be on the market this month and it sells soon so we can all move on with this clean break.
Then it's a case of supporting sc as they are struggling at the moment with realising parents are split. Even though it's been over 4 years since my dh left the family home it's only now impacting sc.

@2025HereICome

** Due to my own lived experience, and those around me, I'm normally the first to call out ridiculous decisions to move partners in and 'blend' families because it very, very rarely works and it's the children that inevitably suffer and are damaged as a result.

But this is unnecessarily rude really. OP is now in the situation she's put herself in so is looking for advice on how to fix this**

Yes - she should unpick the mess she has put herself and her kids in

How much equity is there in the house is it really worth uprooting that child’s life for a pittance your husband needs to return to work

The court decided it's the only option as the exw cannot get the mortgage in her own name!
My husband has serious health issues. It's not always as easy as just getting back to work.

Good luck with that

OP, you don't own a home yet are paying for everything for this man.
Your own children should be your priority, not housing this man.

Please wake up to the reality of your choices and what your priorities should be.

Stop focusing on him and his child and think of doing right with your own.

I know, every penny that she has spent keeping this man could have gone on her children. On saving for a house deposit so that you had a something to leave your children. He's literally bleeding her children's inheritance for the sake of his first family.

@2025HereICome
I will not be able to own a house of my own. I have been retired on ill health for 10 years. I receive a very small pension.
My housing costs are the same as if my dh didn't live with me. The only extras are the food bill and fuel to see his child. He does now cover my fuel costs for this and we go halves on dates.
My children still have what they needed. Yes they could have had more holidays but I make sure we do nice things and make lots of memories to treasure all of which can be done without money (they do have lots of days out too).

This is a pointless thread. OP is only focused on her 'man'

House buying aside, you are still spending money on this man and his child that could be going towards your own children OP. Whether that's nicer days out, a little savings pot for them, whatever it may be. This has now been spent on this man and his child and ultimately, his ex. Try to mentally add up what you have spent over the years and what you could have done for your children with that money.

I really feel for the situation you're in, I think given your responses, you'd probably think twice about all this if you were given the chance to start over. But remember that you DO have the chance to start over. You can, at any point, tell him this isn't working and he needs to live by himself.

A bit of a side point but if the court has reprimanded the ex for her behaviour on numerous occasions and she is as u reasonable as you say, why have you not looked at an application for her to cover your partners increased legal costs as a result ? I’m sure the judge would agree based on what you say has been said.

If it had dragged on to the next stage that is something that was going to be put into place. She didn't attend the first hearing which cost over £1000 in Dh barrister fees. This was going to be charged back to her but a few things changed. She now has a debt management order so she has got herself into a right pickle.

Not at all. I came on here looking for some advice on helping us all to blend as well as we can.

@2025HereICome it has indeed been a lot of money and I could have taken my kids on an amazing holiday with it.
But we are where we are now. I'm hoping this year the finances will finally be sorted and we can all get past the messy last few years.

It sounds like a shit show if your own choosing.

You started s relationship with a man still financially tied to his ex, who can’t drive and can’t work and you thought he was a good role model for your children and partner for you?

Your standards are very low.

Please don’t let your children, or step child think that it is OK for men to cock lodge with women.

I think for the children’s sake you need to call this a day.

Just because he has health issues does not mean he is not a good role model. People on here are so judgemental. I can't work either due to by ill health. Does that make me a bad mother? A bad wife? No it makes me incredibly unlucky with my health.

Absolutely not saying you are bad mother. I’m saying choosing a man who cannot take care of himself financially and has a lot of baggage isn’t a great choice of life partner when children are involved. Especially so early on in a relationship.

@blendingstruggles I am just now running across this post! I hate I didn't see it sooner. How are you doing?

I just wanted to say that part of the Nacho method is recognizing, digging down deep to find the root of the resentment, and letting go of it. Have you had the opportunity to take the Nacho bootcamp or the What You Can Control course? We cover that in those.

This isn’t the first time you’ve posted about him and his Ex and child. Nothings changed.

Your still blind to the damage to all the children for your need of this family.

Marrying this man is costing your children.

Nothing is going to improve for any of you apart from him ironically with this relationship continuing.

I think this scathing attitude and set narrative around the SCs mum could be a clue to your issues with him, to be honest OP