Blending

[blendingstruggles]

I 3 years into blending our families and it's just getting harder.
I've been in my sc life for 3 years now. I have 3 children of my own too.
At the start sc adored me and couldn't wait to see me. Said how much he loved me and couldn't wait to come to our house. Suddenly around 18 months ago, things changed. He started to say unusual things like having been shown pictures of his parents wedding (he was only 4 when being shown these). It became obvious his mother had been saying things to upset him and stop him from liking me. No matter what I tried he just didn't want to know me anymore.
So I've spent the last 18 months adopting the 'nacho' method. I've still been there to support my husband. I'm still welcoming and friendly to sc but I haven't forced anything. I've kind of thought Im here if he wants me but it's obvious he doesn't. He stares at me and when I look up he quickly looks away. He does anything he can to avoid spending time with me.
I'm thinking of asking my dh to have a chat with him and work out what's wrong. It's making me feel uncomfortable in my own home.
I'm also struggling with dh. My kids are here 90% of the time. Sc is here eow and one mid week night. It's like my dh doesn't want to do anything when it's just my kids. He gets so excited to plan things when sc is here and when it's mine here there doesn't seem to be that effort. I want to take my kids on holiday this summer. For a lot of reason I won't go into, dh can't afford to take his dc but also I'd like some time with just mine. We've already taken his son away twice and my eldest hasn't been away with us at all yet and my youngest only once. He was fine going away without some of mine but now he's saying he won't go away without his dc.
There has been a lot of hurt and resentment has built up. I need to get past it all. It is destroying my mental health and I need to make some changes to myself.
Please no criticism as I've come on here looking for some help and support.

I would imagine the sc is going to be majorly resentful when his mum is forced to sell the house this is not going to improve matters plus if she moves away you’ll be doing more travelling to collect him what a mess

She had no way to take over the mortgage in her own name and she has also missed mortgage payments which isn't fair on my dh.

And your daughter?

You seem to have minimised/disregarded her unhappiness 😯

@Loadsapandas she hasn't been forgotten at all. She has all day Tuesday and Wednesday with just me. She's not in school at the moment. Tuesday we have a girls day just us and weds we go out with my mum. Mondays she's also with me and Dh and enjoys doing things with both of us.

Another 'blended' family chaos.

Put your kids first over your need for dick ffs.

Just because you're being railed by someone doesn't mean you have to move your poor kids in with his. Keep it separate.

Let’s see how it works out badly I would suggest. You move an unrelated unemployed male with a disability into your home who has a child you have 3 he doesn’t drive I think you were a bit desperate probably better to move on mins you you’re married he has a claim on your home unless you ring fenced it 🤦‍♀️

I don't have a need for d**k but thanks for your input.

Not desperate at all. I was quite happy and enjoying my single life but once I met my dh I fell in love. These things happen!
I rent my home too plus he isn't like that. He wanted to leave his exw the house in full but things didn't work out that way!

I know but moving in with someone marrying blending 4 kids etc is not working out too well which had you posted before going it you wd of been told how it wd work out

Op, I would encourage you to focus on your children so that later in life you don't have regrets. This would be my advice (since it's too late to say don't rush a new relationship as that has already happened). We all know time goes quickly and mum regret is something you will have to live with.

Your children get one chance of a childhood and you sound like a mum who cares for her children.

However your children will have been impacted by your marriage - hopefully the positive outweighs the negatives BUT from what you describe your daughter is struggling.

I can't figure out how your H pays his ex from benefits, surely he isn't getting that much?

Is it likely you will have to provide for your H forever, if so that will be at the detriment of your children as supporting another adult isn't cheap.

In reflection have you sold yourself and your children short?

How is he paying half a mortgage, court fees and child maintenance on benefits?

Due to my own lived experience, and those around me, I'm normally the first to call out ridiculous decisions to move partners in and 'blend' families because it very, very rarely works and it's the children that inevitably suffer and are damaged as a result.

But this is unnecessarily rude really. OP is now in the situation she's put herself in so is looking for advice on how to fix this.

Do you have any advice?

Put your own kids first. Better late than never, unfortunately.

Your husband doesn’t seem much of a catch.

I didn't have netmums back then

He receives esa and pip. After mortgage, maintenance and court fees there is very little left each month.

OP you have totally messed up by jumping head long into this situation. Life is not a romantic film, “because I love him” is no excuse for making bad decisions when you have three kids of your own to consider.
I was a single mum when I met my DH but in no way did I lose all critical thinking just because I fell in love with him.
You should have waited til your DH’s financial situation with his ex was resolved before living together and getting married.

The step-child is only 6. Just think about how this living situation might feel to him, he’s just a baby and is no doubt navigating through a lot of emotions as he becomes more aware. You have only been together couple of years and it sounds like you have rushed into the marriage and living together perhaps a little selfishly without considering the impact on the kids.

He is crying for help - literally telling you that he feels ‘sad’.
He probably feels alienated and like an outsider coming into your home-part time with you and your three older permanently resident kids. Sharing his Dad (who he only sees a couple of times a week) with three other non-related children might feel overwhelming and difficult for him to process.

Try to be a little kinder, warmer and more empathetic towards him. Put the effort in. Build the relationship.
Your step child will always be a part of your family now and isn’t a separate entity to be compartmentalised - so you need to work at this. Try not to speak negatively of his mother as he will pick up on this and not thank you for it! I hope things work out.

OMG you have caught yourself a cocklodger. One with an additional mini lodger.

It sounds like he saw you coming.

I never speak negatively about his mother in front of him or even my children as that wouldn't be fair. Just as I don't speak negatively about my exh in front of the children. I believe strongly in the importance of having both parents in a child's life where possible and of course safe.
I have spoken to dh today and he is going to have a chat with sc and also with exw to make sure they are on the same page with regards to helping sc. I find it really sad that I have to be the one to suggest these things as his own parents don't realise or try and help him. Hopefully dh having a good chat with him next week and then with exw too will help to get things a bit clearer in his head.
I really do empathise with him as my own parents split when I was 4 and it has impacted my whole life. My dad met someone very soon afterwards but that didn't upset me. My mum met my sd and within 4 months moved me 180 miles away from family to live with him. I guess that has influenced the way I've handled things myself as I've seen others just move on fast. I admittedly didn't stop and think it all through and for that I can only learn from. Now it's about making sure everyone is supported and reassured. I hope the children seeing us having a healthy happy marriage will at least be a good role model for them. Even if we've made mistakes we can learn from them.

I know your SC is very young, but have you thought about sharing your experiences about growing up in a blended family yourself with him? It might help him to realise you understand how he’s feeling ❤️

@CFOfTheHighestOrder that is a good idea. Thanks ❤️

You’re living in fantasy land you’ve got yourself a cock lodger whose child is suffering if the marital bond gets sold it will cause more stress on a precarious situation

I agree. Op wake up he's using you

It’s very important not to get financially tied to a divorced man with kids until he has a clean break financial consent order and a court approved parenting plan. Also don’t financially support them by giving them rent free accommodation as as you are then supporting the ex, if maintenance is being paid from him to her.

My DP cut his work to part time to do extra professional qualifications. He can no longer afford his maintenance payments (they do 50-50 anyway). I am certain that had he moved in with me I’d be funding his ability to not upset the status quo somehow. As it is the consequences of his lifestyle choices are his alone and he is renegotiating with the ex.

I’ll keep my own house in my name until his kids are 18 or til there’s a clean break.

OP as you are renting now I strongly suggest your chap lives independently until he can fully support himself. Good luck.

Yes. Or one ends up paying for someone else’s obligations somehow.