Blending

[blendingstruggles]

I 3 years into blending our families and it's just getting harder.
I've been in my sc life for 3 years now. I have 3 children of my own too.
At the start sc adored me and couldn't wait to see me. Said how much he loved me and couldn't wait to come to our house. Suddenly around 18 months ago, things changed. He started to say unusual things like having been shown pictures of his parents wedding (he was only 4 when being shown these). It became obvious his mother had been saying things to upset him and stop him from liking me. No matter what I tried he just didn't want to know me anymore.
So I've spent the last 18 months adopting the 'nacho' method. I've still been there to support my husband. I'm still welcoming and friendly to sc but I haven't forced anything. I've kind of thought Im here if he wants me but it's obvious he doesn't. He stares at me and when I look up he quickly looks away. He does anything he can to avoid spending time with me.
I'm thinking of asking my dh to have a chat with him and work out what's wrong. It's making me feel uncomfortable in my own home.
I'm also struggling with dh. My kids are here 90% of the time. Sc is here eow and one mid week night. It's like my dh doesn't want to do anything when it's just my kids. He gets so excited to plan things when sc is here and when it's mine here there doesn't seem to be that effort. I want to take my kids on holiday this summer. For a lot of reason I won't go into, dh can't afford to take his dc but also I'd like some time with just mine. We've already taken his son away twice and my eldest hasn't been away with us at all yet and my youngest only once. He was fine going away without some of mine but now he's saying he won't go away without his dc.
There has been a lot of hurt and resentment has built up. I need to get past it all. It is destroying my mental health and I need to make some changes to myself.
Please no criticism as I've come on here looking for some help and support.

My daughter adored my dh at the start. She wanted him to move in. She disowned her own dad and wanted to change her surname and all sorts.
Sadly her mental health went downhill a lot a year later. She has asd and adhd. She witnessed her own dad being emotionally abusive to me and always shouting etc. My dh then let me down over a few things and she has taken on a dislike for men. She does see her dad after a lot of work from me to keep their relationship alive. Despite what he put me through he is a good dad.
My younger two love my Dh living here. They'd be devastated if anything happened and Dh was no longer here. It's impossible to keep everyone happy all at the same time.

@blendingstruggles It's impossible to keep everyone happy all at the same time.

And this is unfortunately why blended family situations rarely work.

How long ago did SC parents separate?

How has your DD seen your DH let you down?

When is likely to return to work so that you're not paying for everything? (Please tell me youve not been also paying the court fees for the divorce?)

Not being goady but genuinely interested in the decision to get legally married after a relatively short time,
I feel so bruised from my divorce I can’t imagine wanting to marry and share finances with anyone again anytime soon (maybe not even live with someone, at least not for a long time), despite having met a really lovely man who I do see a future with.

Did they move into your house? Sounds kind of like you have a cock lodger. You seem to be doing a lot for his child while he takes a back step with yours. My own past influences my perception but it looks suspiciously like he's used you for a house and help parenting. That's why he doesn't want to do things with your kids he's using you to make parenting easier.

But what I will say is my dd hates her step mother. And she likely feels as you do. I don't bad mouth her at all. I think the woman is amazing she does most parenting and cares for physically and financially my children who are not her own. My ex is a nasty man and the kids fawn around him and are scared but step mum is safe so dd vocally dislikes her. Maybe it's just that you are a safe person to vent his unhappiness at and it's not really you that's the issue?

There are evil step mums in the world but you don't read as one to me. I value women who step up for my children.

They split up 18 months before we met so sc was 2 years old.

He is paying court fees out of his benefits hence why he has no money spare to contribute.

Childhood dream of a happily family that I didn't have growing up.
Being naive enough to believe second time would be better.

Yes dh moved in with me. I was doing way too much for everyone else and I've put my foot down and backed off lately. Whilst this has helped lots of things there is lingering resentment.
I want us to work. We get on so well but there are challenges we need to work through. We are both calm and willing to put the work in. Both accept we are not perfect and need to change some areas.

Blended families rarely work, someone is always unhappy. I'll get roasted for that but for various reasons I probably know more blended families than average. I couldn't stand to see my children being treated "less than" and that is why I chose to never be in a serious relationship. I don't think my children should have to share me or their home with an unrelated adult they never chose.

You sound lovely and empathetic and like you've tried extremely hard to make it work. Cut your losses and enjoy your children. They probably only put up with him and his child for your sake and will be happier alone with you.

Two things jumped out at me:

One - I see so much on here saying that blending doesn't work and isn't fair on the kids etc. on the one hand it makes me feel selfish. But then don't we all deserve love.

I see your response on here so much and I think you are both right and wrong. Yes, we do all deserve love and to be happy, but you have still made a selfish decision. You do not have to be married, co-habit and blend families to have love and be happy. You could date while maintaining two homes - either permanently or until the children leave home. You have chosen to bring children into the world and are responsible for their health (including their mental health) and wellbeing/happiness. You cannot make romantic decisions in the same way you can when you are young, footloose and fancy free. It is hard, and I know as I am in this position, but a right to happiness doesn't mean a right to be selfish when you have children.

Two - My daughter adored my dh at the start. She wanted him to move in. She disowned her own dad and wanted to change her surname and all sorts. Sadly her mental health went downhill a lot a year later. She has asd and adhd. She witnessed her own dad being emotionally abusive to me and always shouting etc.

It sounds to me like your daughter had seen things no child should have to see (which I am not blaming you for). She probably did adore your current DH but on a very superficial level at the beginning. He will have been nice and making a big effort in the early days, in her eyes rescuing you from her abusive father.

She probably did like mummy's boyfriend, but she was reacting as a juvenile would, in very simplistic terms without really understanding the reality of the situation, which is where the adults should know better and step in. She wouldn't be able to appreciate why she was having the feelings she was having and what you getting married and moving in with him would mean for all of the children involved. She has to share you, share her home, deal with another child in the mix all while dealing with her own issues.

I am not trying to pile on and make you feel bad about your choices and I do not mean to sound harsh. I think my points are that you have to make your decisions with your children's best interests at heart (which may mean sacrifices on your part) and that you have to consider what is behind your children's reactions/emotions and not always take them at face value.

Your situation now has moved on and with the benefit of hindsight, perhaps you would now chose to wait for marriage/cohabitation if you went back in time. But you have to find a way to move forwards from the situation you are in now. That may be to try to separate your lives a little and spending more time in each family unit rather than trying to force a fully blended situation, even though you are living in the same house and married. That may be easier in terms of removing your little family from your step child as he is not there are much, but maybe give some thought to how involved your DH should be with your children - e.g. should he join holidays or do school runs etc, what about joint family days out (should they be knocked on the head for a bit or maybe reduced in frequency) ?

The best I can suggest it talk to your DH and try to agree some rules for how to move forwards to try and meet the needs of all the children. Good luck.

IMHO for a blend to work, the exes have to be on board. I tried it. My exh was always kind and cooperative. He has his own partner who I am always very nice to and, crucially, about.

My DP's ex is controlling and alienating. Things like refusing to say hello back when we ended up at a school play together. Refusing to sit with DP, though usually would, if I was there. Telling the kids to sit with her when I was there. Very visibly making my presence a problem. Otherwise very amicable public displays of coparenting. So kids got the message mummy and daddy only get along when 'she' isn't around.

One of his kids ignored this and treated me as I am. But the other one used every ounce of his body and mind to try and exclude me, bullied my child, talked over me when I talked to DP, yanked DP's hand out of mine when we walked somewhere, wedged himself between us on the sofa when watching movies and turned his body away from me. Sometimes kicked me during the process. Would physically shove my child out of the way too.

I once asked him why he did these things. He said he needed to 'protect' his dad from me. I've no idea where that came from.

DP put a load of rules and consequences about this and when the child tried to physically dominate him would gently move him away.

But I just got to the point I couldn't be bothered with it anymore. We unblended some time ago. I feel like I've got my life and energy back. Maybe the exw chalked this one up as a win, but I don't care. I only care about me.

Ofc now the ex is using the kids to punish DP in other ways. It will never end. I leave him to it. Not my circus.

If there is any way, OP, you can extricate yourself from this I really recommend it. None of it is your fault. Any relationship can be altered to suit both partners. You can't be expected to suffocate under the weight of someone else's baggage.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Knowing what I do now I would never advise blended families. I went into it totally rose tinted glasses. I grew up with 4 step brothers at my dad's house but to me it was the norm and it never bothered me.
Being an adult in the situation I do struggle with it. Things upset me that I never knew existed. Seeing the kids struggle upsets me too.
But if we split the kids would he even more upset and let down. We work well as a family unit most of the time. But it is harder when sc is around as the dynamics change. It's just working out how to adapt to that and make it more enjoyable for everyone.

You've definitely been naive here to say the least. Getting married to someone still financially tied to his ex, who doesn't work, doesn't drive wasn't a great idea was it? Sounds like it's worked out great for him. Roof over his head, someone to drive his kid back and forth and someone to take on the childcare for his kid and the financial burden. What exactly are you getting out of this deal?

Interested to know what the split of the household chores and life admin is as he does sound like a bit of a cocklodger.

@Illpickthatup
When he first moved in he was working and paying his way. As soon as the house is sold he will be paying his way again.
Regarding housework; he does all the cooking and clothes washing. He also insists on doing all the hoovering. I do the dishes, keep the kitchen and bathroom clean and put mine and my kids clothes away. He sorts his and his sons. We also equally do things like gardening and the bins.
He doesn't expect me to care for his child. At the moment sc doesn't want to even be near me.
He supports me and my children massively. He's always here to help us with things we need. Helps with school runs etc. Attends appointments when he can and comes to school shows and sports day.

DH sounds like a cocklodger. I wouldn’t expect him to holiday without his child.

Your poor DD sounds like she’s very unhappy. Imagine hating men and having to live with an unrelated one who let your mum/family down. She’s learning some disappointing lessons about woman/mother/wife-hood by the sounds of things.

Poor DSS sounds unhappy too.
Even if he cannot rem his parents being together, how he processes and feels about the situation will change repeatedly over the years as he grows to understand his family life and that of others around him.

Sounds like the only happy ppl are your 2 sons and maybe DH seeing as even you are unhappy.

Your DC have 1 childhood, I’d prioritise that instead of this marriage tbh.

You say he'll pat his way once the house is sold? Will he be purely paying his way from the proceeds of the sale? When will he be going back to work? Paying for 5 people is an enormous burden on your shoulders I'm sure.

What ways has he let you down in the past OP that your daughter has witnessed?

No he will be using his benefits to contribute. At the moment They are being used on child maintenance, half his mortgage with ex and a payment plan with the solicitor for all the court stuff.
I've caught him out on a few small lies. There has been a lot of 'drama' with his ex and he's gone behind my back to keep her happy at the expense of others.

I've spoken to dh today and said I'm worried sc is unhappy. I've suggested him and his exw sit down together and discuss this to make sure they are on the same page with sc. he's obviously now starting to realise the impact of his parents being apart and needs support with it. I have said I'll watch him for an hour so they can discuss it without him there and work out how best to support him.

You are where you are, and it sounds like you’re doing your best for everyone.

an acrimonious drawn out divorce and house sale is mega stressful for all involved so I hope that comes to a conclusion soon 🌺

Thank you for your kind words.
When we first got together him and his exw got on fine and she was willing to do the divorce etc. when I came on the scene she changed and has put every possible hurdle in our way. We are very much in love and are doing everything we can to make all the children feel loved; wanted and included. It's just been super tough lately.

What does selling the house have to do with him working?

@DivorcedDiva selling the house has nothing to do with it. He's not working due to a serious health condition. Selling the house means his benefits aren't all being eaten up my the mortgage and legal fees for courts so he can contribute.

Hmmm, it's doesn't sound great really OP. Is this how you saw married life going? Children that aren't happy and a partner on benefits who goes behind your back? Will he be able to go back to work?

Has any of this made you question the relationship, or are you determined to make it work? I think that might affect the advice you will be given.

How much benefits does he get it seems to stretch very far paying for maintenance court fees etc when’s he going back to work or isn’t he ? Sounds absolutely awful cocklodger unhappy kids financial pressure on you

I knew he had health issues when we got together and this does not put me off. I too have long term mental health illness and my youngest child has health issues. None of this can be helped.

I very naively had an image of blending being easier. Me and my exc co parent really well. We communicate clearly and are very reasonable with each other. Dh and his exw are the opposite. Neither of them communicate clearly, she wants everything her way or no way and Dh is not good at standing up to her. This was something that wasn't seen at the start but has become more of a challenge. Dh has now started to stand up to her whereas before she walked all over him. I've helped him to establish boundaries and make things more clear for sc I think.
I also don't expect for this to all drag out in court. At the last hearing she got given a talking down by the judge as they saw how much she'd taken the mick and messed everyone around. Now it seems she's going to drag the sale out.
Once all the house sale stuff is over I can see there being a huge burden lifted. Contact between them will only be regarding sc then. I can see her still trying to cause issues but we should be in a better position by then with less stress so easier to handle

OP you sound lovely and you are doing everything you can to make everyone feel loved and part of the family.

Holidays should be all the kids though unless one chooses not to go - feeling excluded from family time is really hurtful. As a rule of thumb, the more important the family time is, the more it hurts to left out.

I think this is a phase your DSS is going through. Play dates have probably made him more aware of mums and dads living together and he’s just now realising what he hasn’t got. He’s still so small though and in his mind you’re the cuckoo in the nest so it’s you he’s angry with. His parents need to talk to him to help him understand that sometimes marriages fail (in an age appropriate way).

He may go through a whole range of emotions as he matures emotionally. You honestly sound like a great stepmum and you can only do what you’re doing now. Only his parents can help him come to terms with their divorce.