Am I the wicked Stepmother?

[UTB2017]

Hi all,

1.5 years ago I fell in love with a lovely man who has 2 children with his ex partner. One boy (9) and one girl (4), I also have a girl (7) to my ex partner so we are textbook blended family. We both have our retrospective kids 50:50 and we encourage that relationship with the other parent massively.

Now here’s the fun part…my little girl isn’t perfect (as much as we think they are in our eyes) however she is disciplined, she always says her please and thank you’s, she reads before bed and has a bedtime, she puts her plate on the side when she is finished and she generally tidies up after herself when finished playing with toys, the typical parenting stuff you teach your kids. My partners children on the other half I can count on one hand the amount of times they have said please and thank you this year (combined!), their rooms are consistently messy with no thought to tidy after they have finished playing, his 9 year son is still awake at 1030pm and wears nappies and his 4 year old girl cries whenever she doesn’t get what she wants, even when her dad tells her she can’t have something she does it anyway and demands sweets before bed and I don’t think either of them know what a vegetable or fruit is, my partners gives in to his children for an easy life and it’s really getting to me.
I'm consistently burnt out, I work full time like my partner and I clean, wash, iron, sort their clothes out to go back to their mums etc so when I’m asking for him to do the basics such as put his son to bed at a reasonable time I don’t think I’m asking for the world, I’ve even encouraging or nagging as that what it feels like for him to take his son to the doctors to get his bed wetting checked out and make sure it’s not an underlying health condition.

I never thought I was a disciplinarian I always thought I was doing normal parenting stuff and it gets to me as I feel awful for constantly saying stuff about his kids, I don’t want that but if I don’t say it surely I’ll build up resentment? I’m also conscious the kids just see me constantly overwhelmed and think I’m not a nice person :( my little girl also says to me “mummy why do I have to say thank you and they don’t”

When we first got together I had problems with his baby mama as she would still visit his parents with the kids and ask about our relationship, she would message him about things not concerning the kids and she would write cryptic messages on her social media about losing him, she also sent clothes back to our house with poo inside when I complained to my partner she wasn’t returning new clothes that I had bought his kids (£250 out my own money) and he would pass it off as she has mental health problems, so to put it politely we’ve already had one hurdle to get over but now I feel like becoming a blended family is an even bigger hurdle I just don’t know we can get over.

Ive tried talking to him about it but his reply is “you don’t like my kids” or “you have an issue with my kids and that’s not the case at all, I would just like some structure and boundaries in our house so I’m not burnt out or overwhelmed.

Please help, do I put up and shut up, do I keep nagging, what do I do?! I thought it would settle after nearly 2 years but we’re no better or further forward, if anything our relationship is worse as he feels like I’m constantly nagging.

Any comments, good or bad is much appreciated, I honestly won’t be offended if it’s a me problem and I just don’t see it.

Please help, do I put up and shut up, do I keep nagging, what do I do?!

End the relationship. He's seeing you as his unpaid maid, and the fact that he's put walls up as soon as you've tried to raise your concerns shows that he's not interested in hearing what you've got to say, and to me that means he's not interested in making any changes.

The best thing for you and your daughter is to walk away now.

For your daughters sake I would end the relationship. I feel sorry for his kids that they have 2 shitty incompetent parents but you can't be the one to fix it. It will only get worse as they get older and stoppier.
I think parenting styles has to be up there with religion and politics on relationship deal breakers for most people. I really don't see how the situation you are in is likely to improve.

You were insane to move in together.
Count your lucky stars you don’t have a shared child.
Move out again.

You’ve married a really shit parent who is letting his children down. For me that would be unforgivable without the impact on you as his “partner”. I’m so sorry for his children but you should get out with your child.

You need to put her first in a way he isn’t prepared to do with his own children. I don’t care how shit his ex is, he has control over how he parents on his time but he can’t be arsed.

Well he isn't lovely is he? He's a crap parent, that doesn't make him lovely.

RUN

End it. This can’t work. Your parenting styles are far too different to even be able to co-parent genetically shared children easily, let alone ones where only one of you has parental responsibility.

And all the kids are at ages where it still matters. It’s not like they are adult children grown and flown, they still need to be parented.

You have 2 choices.
Leave.
Or stop trying to parent his kids. Drop the rope. Don't do his or their laundry, don't buy new clothes. Don't tidy their rooms. His kids should be his work not yours.
Change the weekends that the kids come so they come on different weekends. Spare your DD this.

I sometimes feel like I’m being over sensitive and these aren’t big or proper problems but then on the other hand if my partner had an issue I’d want to make his life easier and better for the sake of our blended family and I’m make changes if needed.

Also I might add there’s been lots of “progress” if you can call it that over the year as I remember when I first moved in when his little girl woke during the night he would kick me out the bed so she could get in at 1 in the morning and I would have to go and sleep in her bed for the rest of the night, this went on for about 2-3 months.

I personally think it’s generally a bad idea to blend families when young children are involved , sorry that’s my opinion.

It’s interesting that you framed your post in terms of how good or bad a stepmother you are when you should be worried about how good a mother you are being by facilitating this man. I also think you need to centre yourself more.

Did you move in together after 6 months?

Has NOONE taken then 9 year old to the doctor? Not mum, not dad?

That's abusive.

Blending households with a disney dad is a recipe for disaster. Get out of there for your daughter's sake

What seems like normal parenting for you is a reflection of your values. He doesn't share the same values and you might just need to accept this and accept you can't change this.

In addition, the death knell is that he is actively shutting down any possibility of discussion between you that might allow you to resolve it with him, so the situation is never going to change. You cannot change this dynamic on your own, it takes two and he has shown he is unwilling. Believe his actions. You won't be able to convince him to be willing.

Your daughter is letting you know she can see the inequality between her and her step siblings. She will also be observing you slaving away as though you are only there to serve this man and his children. Staying with your daughter in this situation is teaching her that unequal relationships are normal and acceptable. However, you can leave him and explain to your daughter that you will not tolerate either you or her being treated as less than equal. This would be an amazing life lesson to give her as it shows her never to put up with the inequality you are living with currently.

Yes but we were together for a year 9 years prior so he wasn’t someone I had just met

He's not a Disney dad. His NINE year old is in nappies and hasn't seen a doctor

Only just seen a doctor as I practically forced him too incase it’s underlying diabetes or something. His baby mama keeps telling him “it’s normal” and “not to make a big deal out of it to upset him”

Right so what's happening with that? They just said it's fine? He's NINE in a nappy.

9 years together prior to this , but he has a four year old and you have a 7 year old?

Move out. It sounds miserable for you and your daughter. Set up your own lovely home and raise your daughter the way you want her to be.

You could still date this man without living together. You both have a lot of time without your children so just see him then but maintain separate households.

'1.5 years ago I fell in love with a lovely man'

There is nothing in your post that indicates he is a lovely man.

He's a prize wanker.

Try and extricate you and your daughter from this frightful mess as quickly as you an before your daughter starts having behavioural problems.

Right, if the 9 year old is wearing nappies the poor little sod, there's something else going on with him at least isn't there. The mum has MH issues.

Is whatever this is that's going on, with the boy at least, feeding into the different behaviour? If so, it may be and probably will be impossible to make them like your daughter!

She sounds perfectly angelic and it's a little nauseating for some parents for one reason ( because we know it's not always about wonderful parenting. Some kids are just different. Some kids are incredibly compliant. I was like your daughter 😆. She sounds a dream tho bless her).

My point is that you aren't realistically going to get that with all kids and he probably feels some of the feeling I just expressed above. Some children are just different and need constant work to encourage them. That's his kids.

This is going to be unachievable if he won't even have a conversation about it. It's a dead end and he's a fool for this!

If he is not willing to budge, to even discuss having more reasonable rules or incentives to things like clean rooms and bedtime then you aren't compatible! You're doing all the work I imagine so he needs to be flexible as you are not his unpaid servant.

If you frame it one last time as ....'I need this to be easier because it's too much for me and it's unfair. I therefore want to talk to you about incentives for your kids to do X, y, z. The bedroom cleaning and bedtime rules are the priority I'd like to sort out first. I need you to be the main parent telling them and directing them to do this? We can incentivise with pocket money, say x amount a week' Your daughter should get pocket money too for something else she's working on.

This is the mature, fair and inclusive approach for a blended family. You can't just make other kids like yours. It's unfair. You also should not be left to deal with this.

If he refuses to engage after this suggestion,then you have done everything reasonable and it's probably doomed tbh.

She only fell in love with him 1.5 years ago not 9