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Step-parenting

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Struggling with partner & step kids - am I being unreasonable

88 replies

ALS1979 · 13/12/2024 15:39

Myself and my partner have been together eight years we’ve never lived together. I have one teenage son by previous marriage. He has two children aged 10 and 12 from a previous marriage. 10 months ago he asked if he and his children (he has custody 4 days per week) could move in with me for a few months to save a deposit for a bigger house as he was at the time renting a two bedroom property. I reluctantly agreed despite having my reservations. Six weeks after moving in with me he lost his job and remained unemployed for four months, I’m still convinced now that he didn’t do everything he could to find work during this time, he just laid on the sofa all day every day. During those four months of unemployment I was not only paying all the mortgage, bills and food shopping, I was also trying to cover as much as I could of his debt repayments because I was worried that if he was taken to court through nonpayments that he would never leave my house (He takes credit via cards and loans whenever it’s available) Subsequently I am now in significant debt which he can’t really afford to pay me back, he’s giving me around £80 a month and a few hundred towards food shops. I also had to pay for some car repairs for his car that broke down because again I was worried he wouldn’t get work unless he had a working car. Now 10 months on he saved no more than £400 towards a deposit for a new house. The state of my small house has declined through having additional people live here (holes in walls, broken floorboards, stains on carpets). My 15 year old son is having to share his room with a young child and no space or quiet time for his studies. Him and his children are incredibly messy, never tidy up after themselves, have poor manners and one can be very rude and insulting. He’s currently trying to see if he could get a council house as this would be much cheaper monthly and no deposit would not be needed however I’m not sure if he’ll be eligible. He said he’s sick of me being in a bad mood and stomping around cleaning up and it’s making him uncomfortable so he needs to leave sooner rather later. I feel anxious and low almost every day and now dread coming home which is sad as after a difficult divorce this little house was always my safe space but it feels the opposite now. A part of me feels that I’m justified for feeling completely overwhelmed and anxious about the living arrangements and debt that I’ve now got but then part of me also wonders am I being unreasonable? Have I got to an age now (mid 40’s) that if I can’t live with other people I’m gonna spend the rest of my life alone with cats after my son moves out? I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience of living with a man and their children and is it normal to have such low tolerance of other people living in your house.

OP posts:
ALS1979 · 07/06/2025 10:12

Hi all, I just wanted to give an update of the situation. My partner and his kids were given a council house in March, it all happened very quick as he was given priority status for housing I think because one of his kids has several learning disabilities. So it’s now been two months and I’m starting to put my house and finances back together and feel so much more like myself, my mental health is in such a better place. My son has been a little bit sad since they left as he enjoyed the chaos as most 15-year-old’s would but he’s slowly adjusting again and starting to finally have quiet time to study for his GCSEs. Im
still in a relationship with my partner, but things definitely feel different for me. I’m not sure whether we have a future together but the main thing is for now I have my own space and money and I’m certainly never going to live with him again. I just wanted to thank you all for your support during that time, knowing I wasn’t alone really helped me get through as at times I got very low. I think it’s helpful that we share our stories on here and are able to access this support because as women we’re not always great at asking for help from those around us (I certainly aren’t). Thank you again 🙏

OP posts:
Fireworknight · 07/06/2025 10:14

He’s not your responsibility and has taken advantage of you. His kids can live with their mum full time and he can find his own place.

put you family first.

Fireworknight · 07/06/2025 10:15

Jyst saw update. Glad it’s worked out.

rainbowstardrops · 07/06/2025 10:25

I’m glad they’re no longer living with you. Well done and thanks for the update!

ChaToilLeam · 07/06/2025 10:29

Thank goodness you have your house back! Thanks for the update.

Sassybooklover · 07/06/2025 10:37

Glad to hear your partner and his children moved out. By all means continue seeing him, if that's what you want but don't allow him or any other man in the future to move in. Keep your independence.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 07/06/2025 10:57

Thanks for updating, your life sounds better already!
I get your son misses them, but ultimately a calmer environment will be better for him.

Gemstonebeach · 07/06/2025 11:08

Holes in walls and broken floorboards is not normal wear and tear! What on earth is going on?

SilviaSnuffleBum · 07/06/2025 14:39

@ALS1979 so pleased to hear your update. X

Whatifitallgoesright · 07/06/2025 22:31

Thanks for updating with a positive outcome.

DoItLikeAWoman · 09/06/2025 09:01

@ALS1979 - whichever way you progress, this relationship has no future. You’ve lost all respect for this person and there is no coming back from this for him. If you can financially seperate your accounts without any negative impact on you for future credit and write off the amount he owes you - then please kick him out asap. I like pp’s suggestion of waiting for the next child-free day and asking him to leave on the day - with all his things. Where he goes is NOT your problem and you don’t have to worry about it. The kids are with the other parent and they can continue there until the dad finds his housing. Please don’t guilt yourself into being nice and solving this selfish man’s problems - they are not your problems. You owe yourself and your DS a calm home that you have worked hard for and love to come back to. Stay strong and execute the steps without looking back.

DoItLikeAWoman · 09/06/2025 09:03

Oops just saw the update! Well done and glad it’s worked out.

DelphiniumBlue · 09/06/2025 09:11

Are you mad? Your own son has to give up his privacy so you can house someone else's kids for free? You not only provide board and lodging but have taken on this man's debts and paid for his car repairs while he lies around on the sofa allowing his kids to trash your house, and you wonder if it is "normal'?
Come on OP, this man has done a number on you. Get him out now. Change the locks, and wave goodbye to whatever money he owes you, you'll never see it, but at least you wont carry on racking up expenses on his behalf.

None of this is normal.

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