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Struggling with partner & step kids - am I being unreasonable

88 replies

ALS1979 · 13/12/2024 15:39

Myself and my partner have been together eight years we’ve never lived together. I have one teenage son by previous marriage. He has two children aged 10 and 12 from a previous marriage. 10 months ago he asked if he and his children (he has custody 4 days per week) could move in with me for a few months to save a deposit for a bigger house as he was at the time renting a two bedroom property. I reluctantly agreed despite having my reservations. Six weeks after moving in with me he lost his job and remained unemployed for four months, I’m still convinced now that he didn’t do everything he could to find work during this time, he just laid on the sofa all day every day. During those four months of unemployment I was not only paying all the mortgage, bills and food shopping, I was also trying to cover as much as I could of his debt repayments because I was worried that if he was taken to court through nonpayments that he would never leave my house (He takes credit via cards and loans whenever it’s available) Subsequently I am now in significant debt which he can’t really afford to pay me back, he’s giving me around £80 a month and a few hundred towards food shops. I also had to pay for some car repairs for his car that broke down because again I was worried he wouldn’t get work unless he had a working car. Now 10 months on he saved no more than £400 towards a deposit for a new house. The state of my small house has declined through having additional people live here (holes in walls, broken floorboards, stains on carpets). My 15 year old son is having to share his room with a young child and no space or quiet time for his studies. Him and his children are incredibly messy, never tidy up after themselves, have poor manners and one can be very rude and insulting. He’s currently trying to see if he could get a council house as this would be much cheaper monthly and no deposit would not be needed however I’m not sure if he’ll be eligible. He said he’s sick of me being in a bad mood and stomping around cleaning up and it’s making him uncomfortable so he needs to leave sooner rather later. I feel anxious and low almost every day and now dread coming home which is sad as after a difficult divorce this little house was always my safe space but it feels the opposite now. A part of me feels that I’m justified for feeling completely overwhelmed and anxious about the living arrangements and debt that I’ve now got but then part of me also wonders am I being unreasonable? Have I got to an age now (mid 40’s) that if I can’t live with other people I’m gonna spend the rest of my life alone with cats after my son moves out? I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience of living with a man and their children and is it normal to have such low tolerance of other people living in your house.

OP posts:
MyTipsyReader · 13/12/2024 15:40

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MyTipsyReader · 13/12/2024 15:49

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Peachy2005 · 13/12/2024 15:50

I don’t want to be harsh but I think you need to kick him out and change the locks. Otherwise you are going to get more and more in debt and already he is never going to pay you back. His housing situation is not your problem and you need to worry about your kid not his kids.

femfemlicious · 13/12/2024 15:52

Yep kick him out. The council will house him.

Oaoejvr · 13/12/2024 15:53

How on earth has he made you think this is a “you” problem?! It’s hard enough living with someone’s children when it’s all equal but your situation sounds impossible. Tell him he has a month and then you need him out, write him a letter to take to the council.

loveawineloveacrisp · 13/12/2024 15:54

Sorry but he saw you coming. Get him out asap.

Eyresandgraces · 13/12/2024 15:57

Throw him out today.

Chowtime · 13/12/2024 15:57

You've done what you agreed to do which was to house him for a few months to enable him to save. That was the agreement.

Now he has to go just tell him r

lakesiders · 13/12/2024 15:58

You give him notice to move out. He will be housed - whether it's a house is upto the council. Otherwise he'll be leaching for years

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 13/12/2024 16:00

Frankly, you’d be better off ‘living alone with cats’ than with this sponger. Cats do not make holes in the wall or break floor boards ( just how?) , they are generally clean, pleased to see you and grateful for their dinner.

Kick him out.Get a cap flap and two kittens ( as long as your poor put upon DS likes cats).

CosyRoby · 13/12/2024 16:00

Please ask him to leave
Is he working now or is he still unemployed ?
I think this is the end of your relationship too , he has absolutely taken the piss out of you.

WildCats24 · 13/12/2024 16:04

He’s a cocklodger who is taking debt out in your name by proxy and you’re also responsible for his mini-cocklodgers. At the expense of your own child.

rookiemere · 13/12/2024 16:05

Your poor DS, heading into his exam years and forced to share a room with someone else. Honestly just get them out and do your navel gazing once that has happened.

Rhaidimiddim · 13/12/2024 16:07

It is normal to resent being imposed on like this. This man is a classic cocklodger.

You never agreed to financially subsidising a family of three, in addition to you and your child.

He is sucking you dry financially and emotionally. Kick him out before he drags you deeper down. (Which may help his with his council housibg siuation anyway.)

Rhaidimiddim · 13/12/2024 16:08

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 13/12/2024 16:00

Frankly, you’d be better off ‘living alone with cats’ than with this sponger. Cats do not make holes in the wall or break floor boards ( just how?) , they are generally clean, pleased to see you and grateful for their dinner.

Kick him out.Get a cap flap and two kittens ( as long as your poor put upon DS likes cats).

I read that as "flat cap".

Anotherworrier · 13/12/2024 16:09

Genuinely… I’d give him till the end of the month.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 13/12/2024 16:11

What an absolute mess OP

get organised and get out ASAP, put yourself and your son first

MaryJay · 13/12/2024 16:11

Th cynic in me says he knew the job loss was on the cards and that he would not be able to afford rent. So he hatched up this plan to get himself housed at your expense.

JadeSeahorse · 13/12/2024 16:12

If he has his kids 4 nights per week then I would wait until next time he has a child free day/evening and boot him out there and then.

He can move in with relatives/friends until he sorts somewhere. Not your problem! Your poor DS will be facing his "Mocks" soon I would imagine. He needs peace and quiet to study and needs to be as stress free as possible as do you.

I agree with pp's. Sorry to say but this guy is a grade A cocklodger.🤬

blitzen · 13/12/2024 16:14

OP, get him out of your house and change the locks. Time to end the relationship. Think of the lovely Christmas you could have with your son without this arsehole in your life. Good luck x

Notaflippinclue · 13/12/2024 16:18

Proper cocklodger

user2848502016 · 13/12/2024 16:19

Ffs kick him out! And make a clean break, there's no future for this relationship

CosyRoby · 13/12/2024 16:20

MaryJay · 13/12/2024 16:11

Th cynic in me says he knew the job loss was on the cards and that he would not be able to afford rent. So he hatched up this plan to get himself housed at your expense.

Yes. I agree … sounds planned

recipientofraspberries · 13/12/2024 16:20

This is absolutely not about you not being able to tolerate living with someone else in general. This is about not being able to tolerate living with an arrogant, selfish taker who makes your life miserable.

YourWildAmberSloth · 13/12/2024 16:21

If you won't kick him out for your sake, then please do it for your son. The situation for him sounds horrendous, his homelife has been turned upside down at a crucial time in his education. This should be motivation enough for you to do what you need to. Honestly, posts like your when there are children involved just make me despair. You had reservations but went ahead despite them and having disrupted your son's life you risk messing up his future due to your partners debt problems.

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