Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Struggling with partner & step kids - am I being unreasonable

88 replies

ALS1979 · 13/12/2024 15:39

Myself and my partner have been together eight years we’ve never lived together. I have one teenage son by previous marriage. He has two children aged 10 and 12 from a previous marriage. 10 months ago he asked if he and his children (he has custody 4 days per week) could move in with me for a few months to save a deposit for a bigger house as he was at the time renting a two bedroom property. I reluctantly agreed despite having my reservations. Six weeks after moving in with me he lost his job and remained unemployed for four months, I’m still convinced now that he didn’t do everything he could to find work during this time, he just laid on the sofa all day every day. During those four months of unemployment I was not only paying all the mortgage, bills and food shopping, I was also trying to cover as much as I could of his debt repayments because I was worried that if he was taken to court through nonpayments that he would never leave my house (He takes credit via cards and loans whenever it’s available) Subsequently I am now in significant debt which he can’t really afford to pay me back, he’s giving me around £80 a month and a few hundred towards food shops. I also had to pay for some car repairs for his car that broke down because again I was worried he wouldn’t get work unless he had a working car. Now 10 months on he saved no more than £400 towards a deposit for a new house. The state of my small house has declined through having additional people live here (holes in walls, broken floorboards, stains on carpets). My 15 year old son is having to share his room with a young child and no space or quiet time for his studies. Him and his children are incredibly messy, never tidy up after themselves, have poor manners and one can be very rude and insulting. He’s currently trying to see if he could get a council house as this would be much cheaper monthly and no deposit would not be needed however I’m not sure if he’ll be eligible. He said he’s sick of me being in a bad mood and stomping around cleaning up and it’s making him uncomfortable so he needs to leave sooner rather later. I feel anxious and low almost every day and now dread coming home which is sad as after a difficult divorce this little house was always my safe space but it feels the opposite now. A part of me feels that I’m justified for feeling completely overwhelmed and anxious about the living arrangements and debt that I’ve now got but then part of me also wonders am I being unreasonable? Have I got to an age now (mid 40’s) that if I can’t live with other people I’m gonna spend the rest of my life alone with cats after my son moves out? I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience of living with a man and their children and is it normal to have such low tolerance of other people living in your house.

OP posts:
ScarlettSunset · 13/12/2024 16:25

I doubt you have a problem living with other people, it's just you have a problem living with him. As most people would in your situation.
You've more than done your bit to help him and now it's time for him to go.

Sassybooklover · 13/12/2024 16:30

You need to remove this man and his two children from your home. He may have his children 4 days per week, but they still have a roof over their head at their Mum's. It's down to him and his ex partner to organise somewhere for the children to live. I am assuming he's now working? Then he needs to find a property to rent and quickly. You've now got yourself into debt trying to save his arse. I doubt you will ever see a penny of the money you paid on his behalf. Don't spend any further money helping him. Give him notice. If this means the end of your relationship with him, then so be it.

lunar1 · 13/12/2024 16:36

This has nothing to do with not being able to live with other people, this is about not tolerating an absolute user!

If his misfortune of losing his job and not being able to get another was genuine, and his money issues were distressing for him, why isn't he doing everything to pull his weight?

If a decent person finds themselves in that situation they would be doing all the cooking, cleaning and whatever they could to pitch in!

Get him out.

ALS1979 · 13/12/2024 16:40

Thank you everyone for your responses , I’m crying reading these and not in a bad way (at least I don’t think it’s bad), I think it’s a complete feeling of relief to get validation for my feelings. I haven’t really confided in anyone except my sister during all this (I think in hindsight I’ve been embarrassed as I’ve always considered myself a strong independent woman) and genuinely have started to believe that it’s me being unreasonable and ‘cranky & hormonal’ as boyfriend puts it. I’ve not challenged him as much as I probably should have as he has a very intimidating temper (he would never be physical) but it puts me off these discussions as it quickly escalates and he usually implies I’m just being selfish and will then stone wall me for a week which makes things even more uncomfortable. He is working now and is on a good salary but he alone has over £1700 of debts & bills each month to pay so it doesn’t leave much for savings after giving me money for food. Thank you for the suggestions of an eviction letter for the council, I’ll discuss this with him later as I would imagine it could improve his priority level. Thank you again to everyone for your supportive responses, it really has helped no end 🩷

OP posts:
ThatEllie · 13/12/2024 16:45

Oof, he really saw you coming. I hope you realize now that one of two things happened:

a) he knew he would be fired and was looking for a soft landing or
b) he wasn’t fired, he quit as soon as he got his feet under your table and then took time off lazing on your sofa while you went into debt to pay his bills.

Considering that he wasn’t fussed about finding a new job, I’d be inclined to think it is option B unless you have proof that he was terminated.

Anyway, you won’t get the money back from him so you might as well kick him out now before his feral gremlins children do any more damage to your house. The fact that he’s only giving you £80 per month shows that he’s just offering a token amount to shut you up. At least when he’s gone you won’t have to deal with a man gaslighting you that his financial abuse is somehow a “you” problem.

Bananalanacake · 13/12/2024 16:52

I always say if you don't have DC together then there is no point whatsoever in living with a partner, enjoy dating and keep your own space. But I see you thought about this carefully and he will be on his way soon. Hope you are able to get the money back.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 13/12/2024 16:54

Dear Waste of Space, this arrangement isn't working for me. You need to go. Your children can stay with their mother until you find somewhere to live but you have until next weekend to move out. I will not change my mind.
Don't discuss it with him. Tell him. If he gets angry, call the police

HelloCheekyCat · 13/12/2024 17:00

Based on your latest post I'd just change the locks when he's at work (no kids around), bag his stuff up & put it outside. And call the police if he gets threatening.
He's not going to take it well or go easy so why try

PullTheBricksDown · 13/12/2024 17:09

MaryJay · 13/12/2024 16:11

Th cynic in me says he knew the job loss was on the cards and that he would not be able to afford rent. So he hatched up this plan to get himself housed at your expense.

Yes, I think he got warning from work and decided to get you to enable all this. He could have got a Christmas job at least to earn something but didn't.

Agree that this is particularly bad for your son if in year 11 - tell them to go ASAP. The kids will have to go to their mum's if needs be.

LumpyandBumps · 13/12/2024 17:15

Just echoing what others are saying. This relationship doesn’t look like your ‘happy ever after’ as it’s not even happy now.
If you accept that there’s no going back to what you had before, and that you’ll never get your money back, you might as well get rid of him straight away. Don't let him ruin Christmas.
Telling him to go on one of the days he doesn’t have his children seems like a good idea. Do you have anyone to help you pack up his stuff so you don’t have to let him back in?

Dontbeme · 13/12/2024 17:24

I’ll discuss this with him later

Why? You know how he is going to react and he will intimidate you into allowing him and his kids to live with you for free at the expense of you and your DC comfort, peace of mind and financial future. Every time this guy accepts you housing, feeding, providing for him and his kids you are doing so at a cost to your DC. As a single mum do you honestly not need any extra income, wouldn't it be nice to have a bit extra in savings for your own future?

unreasonable
cranky & hormonal
intimidating temper
stone wall

These are abusive behaviours OP, you need to get him out of your home pronto, if you discuss it he will start the name calling, intimation and stonewalling all over again and accuse you of being heartless for trying to make him and hid kids homeless just before Christmas. No discussions, change the locks and leave his shit on the doorstep. Get friends or family in to back you up.

LividBauble · 13/12/2024 17:34

Oh my Christ.

He needs to go this weekend, BEFORE Christmas. You’ve been the slowly boiled frog and need to take back control of your home.

Get someone burly round if you think he’ll kick off.

Chocolatesnowman2 · 13/12/2024 17:37

What on earth possessed you to let them move in .your poor poor son having to share his room ..that itself should of told you it was not a good idea .
Sometimes I read a thread on here ,and I just think the person has absolutely no common sense at all.
You should of never let him move in ,you will never get that money back ..you have behaved like a complete idiot,why would you pay his bills and debt..just why ..why did you not kick him out when he packed his job in ..
Are you really that desperate to not be alone .
that money you wasted on him ,could of got your son through university or on the housing ladder ..
That man has took total advantage of you ,and you let him .

Chocolatesnowman2 · 13/12/2024 17:41

ALS1979 · 13/12/2024 16:40

Thank you everyone for your responses , I’m crying reading these and not in a bad way (at least I don’t think it’s bad), I think it’s a complete feeling of relief to get validation for my feelings. I haven’t really confided in anyone except my sister during all this (I think in hindsight I’ve been embarrassed as I’ve always considered myself a strong independent woman) and genuinely have started to believe that it’s me being unreasonable and ‘cranky & hormonal’ as boyfriend puts it. I’ve not challenged him as much as I probably should have as he has a very intimidating temper (he would never be physical) but it puts me off these discussions as it quickly escalates and he usually implies I’m just being selfish and will then stone wall me for a week which makes things even more uncomfortable. He is working now and is on a good salary but he alone has over £1700 of debts & bills each month to pay so it doesn’t leave much for savings after giving me money for food. Thank you for the suggestions of an eviction letter for the council, I’ll discuss this with him later as I would imagine it could improve his priority level. Thank you again to everyone for your supportive responses, it really has helped no end 🩷

And how much of this £1700 a month debt repayment each month is he paying you ???
Write down everything..every single thing you paid for him ,and invoice him ,and come up with a repayment plan and get him to sign it ..
He wont
But at least try for your dignity

xyz111 · 13/12/2024 17:50

You need to get rid Op. him and his kids are treating your house with no respect. My house has never had a hole in the wall or floorboard broken!!! Agree with others, next time the kids aren't with you then you need to tell him to leave.

shortoedtreecreeper · 13/12/2024 18:19

You are defintely worrying too much about him.Paying off his debts and paying off his car, stop worrying about him not getting another job.Be brave and tell him to go, he'll get himself a new job very quickly I have no doubt.
You probably won't get the money back from him, so please don't lend him anymore.

Please think of you more and your son, who also needs his space, and money spent on him.You deserve your house to look nice, and I expect you had made a big effort on your decor.Get angry with how this man has treated you that might help you to find that inner strength to bung him out.Give them notice,the kids have a home with their mum I take it?

ginasevern · 13/12/2024 18:30

Evict him before you lose your own home. Your priority is your son, as well as yourself. You could end up homeless at this rate.

Isometimeswonder · 13/12/2024 18:34

Your son is the one you should be thinking of. Poor thing.
You are putting a boyfriend first, sad .

nats2010 · 13/12/2024 18:48

WildCats24 · 13/12/2024 16:04

He’s a cocklodger who is taking debt out in your name by proxy and you’re also responsible for his mini-cocklodgers. At the expense of your own child.

This OP. He is a freeloading bastard. Get rid to fuck. Cheeky tramp he is. I'm sorry he has put you in this situation.

thepariscrimefiles · 14/12/2024 13:46

Single life with cats sound heavenly in comparison with your current living situation. You need to tell him to leave your house.

There shouldn't be holes in the walls and broken floorboards in your home at all. They sound feral and your DP sounds like a freeloading waste of space.

Starlight7080 · 14/12/2024 13:51

Kick him out. They are not your responsibility. Your child is .
You need to put him first .
Also he has a better chance off getting a council house if homeless.
It sounds like an awful situation and obvious he has no plans to buy a new house.
Tell him to rent .
It's awful you have gone into debt for him

Polyp0 · 14/12/2024 13:57

An eviction letter is going to do diddly squat. You need to kick him out. You are allowed, it is your house.

Fireworknight · 14/12/2024 14:01

Six weeks after moving in with you he lost his job? But of a coincidence, that.

You have a cocklodger on your hand. He’s not your responsibility. Tell him, that after Christmas, or end of January at most (to give him a little time), you no longer want him living with you, as it’s not working.

Polyp0 · 14/12/2024 14:04

Fireworknight · 14/12/2024 14:01

Six weeks after moving in with you he lost his job? But of a coincidence, that.

You have a cocklodger on your hand. He’s not your responsibility. Tell him, that after Christmas, or end of January at most (to give him a little time), you no longer want him living with you, as it’s not working.

Personally I wouldn't want him to ruin Christmas. Id want him gone.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 14/12/2024 14:06

Out he goes, OP.
Really worrying that you can't have a sensible conversation with him, so don't attempt it, unless you can have a friend or two with you when you give him his marching orders.
It'll be safer to bag his stuff up when he's out and change the locks. Then tell him.
Don't be afraid to threaten him with the police if he gets nasty. In fact don't be afraid to call them.