Opinions wanted please

[Cherrycola29k]

2 teenage children stay with dad/stepmum 3 nights per week. If mum needs to change these days, they always have to be ‘swapped’ (dad won’t just have them an extra night). Dad/stepmum had twins a few years ago and since then teens have mentioned feeling as though she has changed towards them. Recently mum has been going through some major life stress and has needed to leave her home, asked dad to have kids during week nights so they can stay in school/ do activities and she will collect them at the weekends (taking over the weekend day they’d usually stay with dad/stepmum too). Dad agreed but stepmum called mum shouting about them having 4 children and dad being unable to cope under stress and lots more which was basically just attacking the mum’s character. Mum has always been polite and respectful of stepmum but had noticed being ignored etc when she would say hello over the years. No idea why other than stepmum judges mum because of history with struggles/conflict with others.
dad has always told children his home is theirs and they can stay whenever they like as now they are older and can look after themselves. But stepmum has disagreed on these occasions because it messes with her routine I.e she wants to go to bed early although teens stay in their rooms anyway.
should also mention for the past few months dad has done the majority of after school activities because mum has physical disabilities and was unable to keep up with them. Stepmum has been resentful of this although apparently unaware of mum’s disability. That was something else she was shouting at mum about. Mum very upset both at the character assassination and feeling as though her children are unwelcome at their dad’s house. Stepmum is resentful of help provided by dad to mum. Think there are some jealousy issues too.
WIBU?

Unsure why you have typed it in such a manner. It is clear you are the Mum in this situation.

Maybe if you disclose your disabilities stepmum will be more accommodating. At the moment, it just seems as though she has young twins and she is the one having to constantly chop and change and lose her family routine because you insist on it. If she was aware of your disabilities then perhaps she might even be horrified. As it is you are just another ex taking the piss. I don't know why you think there are jealousy issues unless you mean she is jealous that you seemingly can dump your kids off whenever you fancy and she can't. Again, this may be her perspective when she isn't aware of any disability. Why isn't she aware?

Step mum probably assumed the routine would stay the same and is resentful of the disruption to herself and her children. It’s understandable, but that’s for her and her DH to sort out.

Could you write that out in plain English so it is more easily understood?

Communicate with your ex only, you don’t need direct contact with his wife. They need to work things out between them and you clearly have a lot going on that needs your focus. I doubt she’s jealous of you, given the circumstances that seems unlikely.

I'm not sure there was a whole lot of point doing that in third person op.

Yes, the step mum is horrible but unfortunately there's not much you can do about it. Your ex could leave her if he wanted to put his first two children first. But he's then leaving his other children. He made a bad decision but I'm afraid it's out of your control.

How on earth do you get that from that OP?

Block step Mums number. Don't speak to her about arrangements. Speak to ex about arrangements.

This, 100%.

I'm co fused if they look after themselves why does the routine need to change? If it because the kids needs lists too and from clubs can't dad pick them up from mums house and do that or atleast do one of the drop and the mum and or another person from the club do a drop and can take it in times with other parents from the clubs?

What kind of disability are we talking about here because surely hg makes all the difference ? If it's all broken leg awaiting surgery which could be months vs long void that could last for years if you see what I mean

Where was stepmom consulted in all this because it seems her home isn't hers and she has no say?

Having twins is hard work and to have to chop and change the routine (and having teens around is a change - presumably they are fed and as you say need their after school activities dealt with). While her calling you may have been out of place (and we only have your side of the story), it's not her problem but she has to deal with it.
You need to work this out with your ex but the SM needs consulting too as she is greatly affected by any change.

I had to ask Chat GPT to make sense of this.

A mum shares parenting time of her two teenage kids with their dad and stepmum. The kids stay with dad and stepmum three nights a week. If the mum needs to change this schedule, the dad insists on "swapping" days rather than taking on extra nights.

The stepmum’s attitude towards the teens has seemed different since she had twins with their dad, and the teens have noticed. Recently, the mum has faced major life challenges, including leaving her home. She asked the dad to take the teens during weekdays so they could keep attending school and activities, with her collecting them on weekends, even taking over the weekend day they’d normally spend with dad. The dad agreed, but the stepmum called the mum, yelling about their family stress and accusing the mum of being a problem.

The mum says she has always been polite to the stepmum, even though the stepmum has ignored her over the years, possibly due to judgment about the mum’s past struggles. The dad has told the teens they’re always welcome at his house, but the stepmum has objected at times, citing disruptions to her routine, like wanting an early bedtime, even though the teens mostly stay in their rooms.

The dad has been handling most after-school activities lately because the mum has physical disabilities. The stepmum resents this, though she seems unaware of the mum’s disability. During the argument, the stepmum criticized the mum for needing help, which deeply upset her. The mum feels like her kids aren’t truly welcome at their dad’s house and suspects the stepmum may be jealous of the dad helping her.

The mum is wondering if she’s being unreasonable to feel hurt and upset about the situation.

Questions to the OP....

1. Why have you had to leave your home? You also have a responsibility to provide a safe, routine environment for your children.
2. Why are you unable to facilitate school and activities all of a sudden?
3. What disability do you have that the step mum wouldn't know about either through your teens or your ex?
4. Do you have any friends or family that could help? Surely teens are pretty self-sufficient.

I don't think it's unreasonable that the step mum have a say in what happens in her home and there could be more to this.

You sound a bit invested in their relationship . If your teens are over 14 , let them decide how & when they see their dad .
If they have a problem , of course sympathise & offer advice but to a degree , stay out of it .

I don’t think she can let them decide if she’s not securely house all the time and can’t get them to school or activities. They’ve gone from a 3/4 day split to needing to be at their fathers at least 5 days a week. Apparently their step mum, with her own new twins, isn’t allowed an opinion on the change because OP thinks she’s jealous of OP for something we aren’t told.

I was trying to make it less personal, it wasn’t intended to be one sided but I suppose the only point I know from her side is the fact that she doesn’t like her routine disrupted.
to the poster who said it happens “all the time” no it doesn’t and they too, swap days around if they want to go away for example. So that’s an incorrect assumption.
To the poster who said I clearly hate her, I absolutely do not. I’m not her biggest fan at the moment because of the way she spoke to me whilst I’m going through a really traumatic time. But I’ve been nothing but respectful to her and even defended her when my children told me she wasn’t the same as she was before they had the twins. I told them she’s probably exhausted, young children are a lot and to give her the benefit of the doubt.
To give a further accurate picture, they had an incident in their home which led to causing me a huge inconvenience that lasted for many months, I cannot give details because it would be outing, but I didn’t cause them further stress by shouting at them even though it impacted mine and my children’s lives. I feel I should be treated with the same grace.
To the poster who said teens being moved around 50/50, firstly it’s 60/40 and secondly 50/50 is pretty standard and usually what courts order. The amount of time is not in question here, although I have told my children they are welcome to stay with me more.
She didn’t know about my disability because he didn’t tell her, no idea why. I don’t usually have any contact with her, the phone call came as a shock.
She is definitely jealous, me and ex remained friends after split and were able to be around each other before he got into a relationship with her. Then it changed, but I accepted it and didn’t hold any resentment because I only heard good reports about how she treated my children and that was my only concern.
I am of the opinion that if my children are told they are always welcome in their father’s home then that should be the case. They think of his home as their own and are now confused about why they can’t be there. I personally, wouldn’t dream of having more children and then telling my first 2 that they couldn’t be there during certain days, meanwhile my new children are living with me full time. But it’s always a different standard for mothers isn’t it.
I was looking for other (respectful) opinions but it seems most of you are disgruntled step mums. It’s sad I don’t have the peace of mind of my children having another home they’d be welcome at if the worst were to happen to me.

I was looking for other (respectful) opinions but it seems most of you are disgruntled step mums. It’s sad I don’t have the peace of mind of my children having another home they’d be welcome at if the worst were to happen to me.

Wrong. I am a step mum (not disgruntled) and I am also a mum of teenagers who have their own step mum.

Thing is it's pretty much 50/50 as it was then all of a sudden you want change despite saying your kids are welcome whenever which is confusing. But then you want to change because of your propblems but not considered your ex and stepmoms problems. Could it also be the fact that you want them to have the kids through out the week and do all the running about but suddenly on weekends your fine to have the kids and your also taking away your ex and stepmums weekend with the kids away so they don't get fun time with the children

This is a temporary arrangement during a time of need, not a permanent one. I’m taking the kids away with me for the weekends. They need to be near home during the week for school. I am not living at my home at the moment.

But why, you've not answered this. That might help people understand more. Why have you needed to change the arranagement?

I cannot give details as they are outing. I just cannot be at my home for the next week. There was no other solution, I am doing my best in an impossible situation. My teens are not difficult, they can get themselves to and from school and spend most evenings in bedrooms doing homework/playing computer games or going to the activities their dad already takes them to. They’d just need meals, clean uniforms.

Is the issue your living situation (break up?) or your disability? It’s unclear. Is there an end in sight for this change or not?