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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Adult SS doesn't congratulate me on my bday, big deal or not?

58 replies

Anuta77 · 03/12/2024 20:03

I've known him for 10 years (he'll be 22 in a couple of weeks). Birthdays are important to him, when he was younger I made him cakes, gave gifts. He would always congradulate me until an issue happened with his mother.

I'm not even sure what the issue was but I learnt later that she was talking behind my back to different people, I guess because she didnt like something and since she involved her son into all of her issues (not just with me), he decided to lash out at me for something that didn't concern him or his mother. It was very weird, but after a couple of years, he decided to apologize to have a good relationship as he said.

I would think that he remembered that my bday was a few days before his, but in case he didn't, my DP mentionned it the day before. And while his brother and sister congratulated me, he didn't. He's not one of these people who doesn't take birthdays seriously.

Should I take it as him actually not caring about a good relationship and just avoiding coldness that resulted in his own behaviour? Somehow I think that in a blended family that is not recent, knowing about someone's birthday and ignoring it is actually not a sign of a good relationship. And he does want my son (his half-brother) to love him and be close to him.

OP posts:
loveawineloveacrisp · 04/12/2024 07:29

Nor does my SS. He was here on my birthday this year, saw everyone else giving me cards, gifts, generally making a fuss of me and I didn't even get a 'happy birthday' from him. I'm done. It's rude.

NorthernSpirit · 04/12/2024 12:28

It’s rude & selfish and a result of how his parents have bought him up.

I’ve been a SM for 11 years. SC are now 19 & 16. In that time I’ve never had a happy birthday text, card or present from them. My DH has bought cards / presents on their behalf but I asked him to stop after a few years (as it felt so forced and it was obvious they hadn’t bothered).

I always bought cards, presents, did things for them on their birthdays. One year my DSD couldn’t even muster up a thank you for the Christmas presents I’d given her and was very ungrateful. It all stopped from me and I haven’t bought a card, present since.

Its not tit for tat - it’s the thought and as they have 2 parents buying them stuff I’m now leaving them to it.

Its so sad when children aren’t taught the gift of giving (and I don’t even mean presents, it can simply be words).

Original poster
Anuta77 · 04/12/2024 14:54

loveawineloveacrisp · 04/12/2024 07:29

Nor does my SS. He was here on my birthday this year, saw everyone else giving me cards, gifts, generally making a fuss of me and I didn't even get a 'happy birthday' from him. I'm done. It's rude.

Oh wouw, that is even worse! When they forget it's understandable, but this is deliberate and affects the rest of the relationship I find.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anuta77 · 04/12/2024 15:05

NorthernSpirit · 04/12/2024 12:28

It’s rude & selfish and a result of how his parents have bought him up.

I’ve been a SM for 11 years. SC are now 19 & 16. In that time I’ve never had a happy birthday text, card or present from them. My DH has bought cards / presents on their behalf but I asked him to stop after a few years (as it felt so forced and it was obvious they hadn’t bothered).

I always bought cards, presents, did things for them on their birthdays. One year my DSD couldn’t even muster up a thank you for the Christmas presents I’d given her and was very ungrateful. It all stopped from me and I haven’t bought a card, present since.

Its not tit for tat - it’s the thought and as they have 2 parents buying them stuff I’m now leaving them to it.

Its so sad when children aren’t taught the gift of giving (and I don’t even mean presents, it can simply be words).

My DP doesn't believe in making his kids congradulate me (or oh horror! get a card) and I think he thinks about the possibility where it feels forced and uncomfortable. I'm sorry this happened to you!

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 04/12/2024 15:20

Alternative viewpoint:

My kids are 24.

They don't buy anything for their step mum's birthday.

They have as little to do with their dad and step mum and new half brother as possible.

It's nothing against their step mum they just don't like their dad anymore since the circumstances that led to our divorce.

They don't really consider her part of their family. (They were moved out and independent before their dad and I got divorced and he remarried)

Original poster
Anuta77 · 04/12/2024 15:41

I would absolutely understand this situation, but it's not the case with us. They are close to their dad and were always well treated by me. Also, one doesn't need to be part of the family to congradulate someone (if they know).

OP posts:
Precipice · 04/12/2024 16:20

How would you characterise the relationship? From what you do mention, it doesn't seem that you have much of one. You mention only that there was some trouble and "after a couple of years" he "decided to apologize to have a good relationship as he said." That doesn't read to me as that you're close at all. Whether he's close or wants to be to his brother/your son is different to that.

I would be upset to have someone in my immediate close family ignore my birthday and I take care to wish those in my immediate close family well on theirs. I was upset once when I was staying with an immediate relative on my birthday and they said nothing to me at all about it. However, with more distant family, I don't care at all if they contact me to wish me well on my birthday. It's pleasant if they do, but it's not a big deal or upsetting to me if they don't. It's people who are directly around me in the moment or the very closest where it would be a big deal.

It doesn't sound to me like your stepson is in this 'immediate family' circle in terms of actual intimacy of relationship, even if through marriage he's theoretically a close connection.

loveawineloveacrisp · 04/12/2024 16:35

Answering @Precipice from my own perspective, given I do his washing and cook his meals the very least I expect is a verbal happy birthday greeting. But given when he came last week he couldn't even be arsed saying hello to me, I'm probably expecting a bit much.

WanderingLonelyCloud · 04/12/2024 16:43

These sound like children and young adults who’ve had to negotiate challenging family set ups. I wouldn’t behave now how I behaved back at those ages when I was trying to cope with the fallout of my family set up,

I would personally view them as an extension of your partners. Extend the love for your partner to them. That’s what I do for my friends and family. If I love them, I love their kids and act lovingly to them, even if they don’t reciprocate or act in ways that I find irritating.

Original poster
Anuta77 · 04/12/2024 16:45

We used to have a good relationship, he's very outgoing and we congratulated each other. It's not the case of a non-existant relationship.

It took him 2.5 years to apologize, but he was still coming to our house. At the beginning, he thought I would let his behaviour go and was acting like nothing happened, which made me even more hurt, so after it evolved to me being cold with him. We could have continued like that forever, but he decided that it was not what he wanted, so he apologized. I would think that once you want to repair the relationship, you just do it. If he forgot, that's fine, but my DP told him about it, so it seems deliberate and that's my questionning. I don't want fake peace.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anuta77 · 04/12/2024 16:45

loveawineloveacrisp · 04/12/2024 16:35

Answering @Precipice from my own perspective, given I do his washing and cook his meals the very least I expect is a verbal happy birthday greeting. But given when he came last week he couldn't even be arsed saying hello to me, I'm probably expecting a bit much.

Oh, I hope you stop washing and cooking for him!

OP posts:
Tophelleborine · 04/12/2024 16:47

My SS has never acknowledged my birthday and it's never occurred to me to expect him to. We have a great relationship.

warofthetimemachines · 04/12/2024 16:48

Missing the point entirely, but…
What do you mean congratulate you on your birthday? Wish you a happy birthday sure, congratulations are for achievements or winning something surely? Congratulations you’re still alive at 45/50 (or whatever age) is a weird idea.

HoppityBun · 04/12/2024 16:57

Look at it this way, OP. He’s 21. His prefrontal cortex won’t be fully formed until he’s 25- and that doesn’t mean magically on his 25th birthday. He’s young. Play the long game, Love him and treat him as best you can for the sake of your DH. Be the person his children will want you to be. You describe lovely birthdays that you gave him when he was a child. You’re not a child.

Original poster
Anuta77 · 04/12/2024 17:11

Tophelleborine · 04/12/2024 16:47

My SS has never acknowledged my birthday and it's never occurred to me to expect him to. We have a great relationship.

I know that some people don't care about birthdays, but I do and he does, so in this context, not doing it makes me wonder that we're not actually in peace.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anuta77 · 04/12/2024 17:12

warofthetimemachines · 04/12/2024 16:48

Missing the point entirely, but…
What do you mean congratulate you on your birthday? Wish you a happy birthday sure, congratulations are for achievements or winning something surely? Congratulations you’re still alive at 45/50 (or whatever age) is a weird idea.

English is not my first language, I will check the exact meaning in the dictionary to make sure I don't make mistakes next time.

OP posts:
sprigatito · 04/12/2024 17:15

I wouldn't acknowledge the birthday of someone I disliked or was angry with. If the relationship was happy and healthy, he'd be congratulating you. So I think you should focus on why the relationship is poor and why he doesn't feel inclined to celebrate your birthday. It's a symptom of something.

Chewbecca · 04/12/2024 17:18

Mine never did either, it didn't bother me. I love my SC and have a lovely relationship with them.

It changed when they got married, both in their 30s. Which is an awful, sexist situation, I am well aware, but it seems getting married made my DSSs grow up and bit more and realise that perhaps they should acknowledge my birthday.

My advice is to carry on being a kind and supportive SM and give it lots of time.

JudyJulie · 04/12/2024 17:19

24 years here. Never a card or a good wish. SD is now 36. Old enough to have figured out who has organised hers and her child's presents ... thus far. The worm has finally turned.

ValleyKings · 04/12/2024 17:25

It’s rude as fuck.

Rhaidimiddim · 04/12/2024 17:27

NorthernSpirit · 04/12/2024 12:28

It’s rude & selfish and a result of how his parents have bought him up.

I’ve been a SM for 11 years. SC are now 19 & 16. In that time I’ve never had a happy birthday text, card or present from them. My DH has bought cards / presents on their behalf but I asked him to stop after a few years (as it felt so forced and it was obvious they hadn’t bothered).

I always bought cards, presents, did things for them on their birthdays. One year my DSD couldn’t even muster up a thank you for the Christmas presents I’d given her and was very ungrateful. It all stopped from me and I haven’t bought a card, present since.

Its not tit for tat - it’s the thought and as they have 2 parents buying them stuff I’m now leaving them to it.

Its so sad when children aren’t taught the gift of giving (and I don’t even mean presents, it can simply be words).

Your situation and mine sound very similar. I used to buy for them - birthday and Christmas - and get nothing back. Once they were in their 20s, I finally stopped doing presents at Christmas or acknowledging their birthdays. In a spirit of matching their energy rather than spite.

If you look in the greetings card shops, you will look in vain for a Happy Birthday Stepmother card. It does seem to be a cultural thing to be allowed to treat your SM like this, so best not to take it personally.

Iwanttoliveiniriscottage · 04/12/2024 17:28

My step son always acknowledges my birthday with a card and presents. He also texts me happy birthday. I have a good relationship with him and have been in his life for thirty years. I don’t blame you for being upset.

Rhaidimiddim · 04/12/2024 17:36

Anuta77 · 04/12/2024 17:12

English is not my first language, I will check the exact meaning in the dictionary to make sure I don't make mistakes next time.

Edited
Show quote history

The term "congratulations" is perfectly proper and acceptable, OP. You haven't got it wrong at all. People have been congratulating each other on their birthdays for as long as I can recall.

Original poster
Anuta77 · 04/12/2024 18:26

sprigatito · 04/12/2024 17:15

I wouldn't acknowledge the birthday of someone I disliked or was angry with. If the relationship was happy and healthy, he'd be congratulating you. So I think you should focus on why the relationship is poor and why he doesn't feel inclined to celebrate your birthday. It's a symptom of something.

That's what I wanted to figure out. Meaning that his apology wasn't sincere and we'll continue as before.

OP posts:
SofandaCox · 04/12/2024 18:29

I have absolutely no idea when my step mothers birthday is so I’ve never said anything to her on her birthday.

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