Adult SS doesn't congratulate me on my bday, big deal or not?

[Anuta77]

I've known him for 10 years (he'll be 22 in a couple of weeks). Birthdays are important to him, when he was younger I made him cakes, gave gifts. He would always congradulate me until an issue happened with his mother.

I'm not even sure what the issue was but I learnt later that she was talking behind my back to different people, I guess because she didnt like something and since she involved her son into all of her issues (not just with me), he decided to lash out at me for something that didn't concern him or his mother. It was very weird, but after a couple of years, he decided to apologize to have a good relationship as he said.

I would think that he remembered that my bday was a few days before his, but in case he didn't, my DP mentionned it the day before. And while his brother and sister congratulated me, he didn't. He's not one of these people who doesn't take birthdays seriously.

Should I take it as him actually not caring about a good relationship and just avoiding coldness that resulted in his own behaviour? Somehow I think that in a blended family that is not recent, knowing about someone's birthday and ignoring it is actually not a sign of a good relationship. And he does want my son (his half-brother) to love him and be close to him.

Bizarre you don’t know when your father’s wife’s birthday is and vice versa in terms of her alleged ignorance @SofandaCox . It does suggest a rather toxic indifference to your dad’s partner.

@Anuta77 my DSDs, even through the grotty teenage years, got me a birthday present and card - no doubt DH prompted when they were younger but now they are young adults they give really thoughtful gifts. In return I always go the extra mile to get stocking fillers at Christmas for them and individual presents on their birthday rather than just joint with DH. You are absolutely not being unreasonable to be upset by this especially if he expects effort from you on his birthday.

Errr, nope.

Honestly, stop seeing toxicity where there is peaceful indifference.

I don't know when my husband's siblings birthdays are, or my brother's wife's birthday. I like them all just fine.

I think excuses about age are ridiculous - he doesn't have to hang out flags but wishing you a happy birthday and a card is nothing. My partner originally used to buy me a card and present from his son - his son would be involved in the picking of it - as he has got older (14)- he has bought something himself (with his dad's money) We have had a varied relationship with his mother which at its best is civil and I think at least in the first couple of years she made him feel disloyal if he said anything nice about me but over time he is able to separate his own feelings from that of his mother's.
Unless you did something unforgiveable to his mother then he should show some consideration.

I think when you accept poor behaviour and have a partner who is happy for you to be treated poorly, you cannot be surprised when it continues and gets worse.

We teach people how to treat us.
If you are prepared to skivvy for a man and his children who show you little respect then you cannot be surprised that your lact of self respect bounces off them.

I find it strange that so many women on MN don't connect the two.

I think you're being a bit precious, to be honest.

I love my birthday too but not everybody is into sending cards and that's okay. (My two brothers will message when they remember but I know they love me).

My DSDs have, in the past missed my birthdays and sometimes, like this year, they've really surprised me with their thoughtfulness. That's really nice.

If the fear here is really about an underlying distance or tension, perhaps you can be a grown up, model a bit of maturity and talk to them.

Oh my, you’ve described exactly what goes on in our house.

SS is rude. I’m sick if it, happy enough eating the meals I make or the snacks etc I buy., or the washing and bed changing etc. I’m not good enough to say hello or goodbye too. I certainly won’t be given so much as a kind look from him on birthdays etc. He is almost 20. I’m so over it.

Nothing particular has to be “done” but It’s just plain courtesy in the same way you’d wish any acquaintance happy birthday.