Adult SS doesn't congratulate me on my bday, big deal or not?

[Anuta77]

I've known him for 10 years (he'll be 22 in a couple of weeks). Birthdays are important to him, when he was younger I made him cakes, gave gifts. He would always congradulate me until an issue happened with his mother.

I'm not even sure what the issue was but I learnt later that she was talking behind my back to different people, I guess because she didnt like something and since she involved her son into all of her issues (not just with me), he decided to lash out at me for something that didn't concern him or his mother. It was very weird, but after a couple of years, he decided to apologize to have a good relationship as he said.

I would think that he remembered that my bday was a few days before his, but in case he didn't, my DP mentionned it the day before. And while his brother and sister congratulated me, he didn't. He's not one of these people who doesn't take birthdays seriously.

Should I take it as him actually not caring about a good relationship and just avoiding coldness that resulted in his own behaviour? Somehow I think that in a blended family that is not recent, knowing about someone's birthday and ignoring it is actually not a sign of a good relationship. And he does want my son (his half-brother) to love him and be close to him.

That doesn't really show you in a good light.
My SD remembers my birthday by herself.
My SS have a very good idea of when is my bday because his is coming right after mine AND his father told him, so that is deliberate.

I don’t really care. She doesn’t know when my mine is either.

Even when DSS was 12, DP didn’t remind them to get you a card? I still remind mine for their dad as mid-late teens!

So you have nothing of relevance ( or interest, frankly) to add to this thread. Just here to air your grudge.

No and as evidenced on this thread I don’t think it’s that unusual to not do anything with a step parents birthday. We have 2 parents already to celebrate.

I absolutely did not read this as a grudge! DH wouldn’t send cards to his own family if I didn’t remind him (yes, I know!), and he wouldn’t care if they didn’t send to him. It’s not a grudge, just people seeing birthdays differently

But, as with threads about grandparents refusing to buy presents for their step-grandchildren...

Why be so mean? Why limit your concept of whom you are prepared to treat as family in this way? Do you not celebrate your friends' birthdays? Why single outbthe steps for exclusion and opprobrium?

Yes I celebrate my friends birthdays, my step mother isn’t my friend. She doesn’t buy for my kids and i wouldn’t expect her to.

Well I think it is useful, not mean, to hear a whole range of different step family experiences and how they feel about the situation.

Totally agree!

That’s awful op, I’m sorry. His behaviour is rude and ill mannered. He is old enough to know better and basic manners cost nothing.

My DSD buys me a thoughtful gift and card for my birthday and I also get a small gift and card on Mothers Day. Like you, I have been in her life a long time. Unlike your SS my DSD is smart enough to realise that I make a lot of effort for her, and that I love her very much. DH adores her as he absolutely should (I wouldn’t have married him if he didn’t) but she is an adult now and she knows I have always considered her and she acts accordingly.
If I was you I would honestly pull back from the efforts you are making. A simple “happy birthday” is absolutely not too much to ask.

So you don't like her. (Nor her you, I'd surmise.)

That is a valid reason for not celebrating her birthday. IMHO, obviously.

But I don't get people who refuse to do birthday or Christmas presents for people because they're steps (step- children or step- parents) rather than because they're unpleasant people.⁹

I like my cousin, but I don’t remember her birthday, nor she mine. Not sure why you are so sure that people who don’t remember the same birthdays you do are grudge holders who are full of dislike!

Is there a reason he’s never acknowledged it? I’m just being nosey!

I don’t think anyone here has said they refuse to do birthdays just because they’re steps. It’s just a lot of people don’t see steps as actual family members. Like PP said about cousins, I love my cousins but I don’t buy them gifts or celebrate their birthdays.

So you don't celebrate anyone else other than your parents?
And in reality, your situation is different from mine, if she doesn't know your bday it's because you have a really bad relationship with her and your father, and to be honest, if you have a good relationship with your father, it's not possible that she doesn't know. Are you a troll?

P.S. Guess who just messaged me to apologize for not congradulating me? That's right, the aforementionned stepson.

I totally (well, not totally) understand that some people don't care about birthdays. But if you are someone who usually does and ignore someone's and you know when it is, that's a different situation I think.

That is really sweet! Does she also have a loving mother? I always wonder if a stepchild can love both at the same time.

Buying gifts is another level, but what does it cost to text Happy bday? My SD told me proudly that she remembered my bday without anyone reminding her (her mother always reminds her to congradulate her boyfriend, but my DP doesn't remind) and she sent it at 7 am while going to school where the reception wasn't great.
Now that she's older, she even started bringing me little things from her trips and I really didn't expect that. People do that to have a good relationship.

DSC makes a half hearted effort and it’s quite obvious they can’t be bothered but do so to keep the peace. This year I celebrated a milestone birthday and I had a social media message at 11.45pm just simply saying happy birthday whereas I make an effort to text and acknowledge on social media as early as possible for their birthday. Present was received a couple of weeks later shoved into a carrier bag. I have been a SM for 20+ years and I wasn’t an OW in the situation but the relationship is difficult particularly now they are adults. I’ve organised all of the Christmas presents for years and birthday gifts although often they ask for money so DH tends to send over. DH and I contribute 50/50 to cost of gifts but quite frankly I’m fed up making the effort

Is that because your husband told him you were upset and asked him to text an apology? It all sounds very weird and strained, and that you keep being upset and passive aggressive until you get a forced apology. Maybe you should let go of whatever resentment you have about doing the cooking or whatever (should this be more properly directed at your husband?) and drop your demands of your SS.

I think it's rude OP . My Stepsons have never bought me anything or even card for my birthday in the nearly 21years I've been with their dad .

They lived with us as teens , and even stayed with us as adults when they've had nowhere to go etc
yet god help my DP if he was to forget their Mrs birthdays . Guess who reminds DP of said Birthdays ? Yeah that's right me . I remember all the grandkids birthdays aswell as my DP is awful with birthdays (including our own children)

as my DP is awful with birthdays (including our own children)

There's an app for that (several apps, the one I use is called Birthday reminder)

I don't know how to quote 😭 but yeah he has had some of them in his calendar . But he must have notifications off or something . But I'm not a horrible person so I'm always saying , you do realise is such and such birthday today/or in a few day's 🙄

wtf a troll because I have a different opinion to you?

I celebrate my parents, siblings, close friends, husband and kids.