Just imagine they are your DC if it helps

[Kat8777]

The above is what DH has started saying to me any time he wants me to help with DSC. Aibu to want to punch him whenever he does.

We share a young child and for my own sake, I have had to take a big step back from how much I do for DSC. I realised I was being expected to do way too much.

DH has noticed and he makes little digs from time to time. And if he ever wants to guilt trip me into doing something like picking them up from a hobby because he's late at work or sort their birthday presents because he's "not sure how to work the website" then I get "just imagine you're doing it for X if it helps" X being the name of our shared child.

It gets right under my skin.

"Well, they're not."

That’s manipulation. Tut tut.

This has started to be my go to reply.

I’m always surprised when second wives are surprised when their husbands expect them to take on the family duties relating to the first relationship. If these husbands had made enough effort and carried the mental and logistical load when they were in their first marriages they probably would still be in their first marriage.

Talk about stretching.
You have absolutely no idea why the first marriage broke down.
Women can be the problem too you know!

Honestly this whole thing is unpleasant.

I think it is quite harsh to take on a certain role, portraying yourself as something, getting the house, relationship, and bringing a child into the world then deciding NOPE, I’m done with the step kids now

How is this relationship supposed to survive?

Id never ever introduce another partner to my children! Many are jealous, bitter and resentful towards their non biological children and cause a world of aggro.

’imagine he was asking you to go to the shop to pick something up’ - yep you’d probably be straight there but because it’s a child ooooo nooo can’t possibly do that now! Now I’ve got my own child (which you probably wouldn’t have had with me if you knew I’d change and refuse to help with your dc anymore haha more fool you)

change your attitude to these kids or your relationship is destined to failure!!! And worse a step mother could be on the horizon for your own precious child!

You are a family unit imo so should be treating the kids the same imo. I would pick up my dsc from school if dh was held up, in fact even if his ex was and I was free, and dh would do the same for mine. We order gifts for each othets dc, that's what you do when you are a family imo, maybe there's a back story but based on what's in the OP it doesn't sound like a great situation currently

Not sure how to work the website what a drip even kids can work websites I'd be pissed off with him trying to take advantage like that

When it's the Mother's children you come as a package.

When it's the Father's it's different right...

This x 1000 - it's unnatural to look after children that aren't yours. You will always be programmed to put your own children first and see any other children as a threat. It's seems a common thing to make it seem like you have no issue being a step mother until you have your own children and then you actively start hating your step children for existing. It's disgusting but very natural and exactly why I'd do anything to keep stepparents away from my children.

I think it is a very natural reaction to put your DC first and one of the many reasons I would never have got involved with a man with DC

He's just trying to manipulate you into doing his grunt work. It always astounds me how many answers these threads get along the lines of 'treat them like your own kids, or your marriage will fail.' Women being guilted into picking up the slack for useless dads.

Reply: They’re not. They’re yours, why don’t you want to pick them up/buy their gifts/give them a kidney. Also try: I know they’d rather you do x y z for them.

Why did he have so many children if he doesn’t want to look after them properly? How did he cope before you came along? Isn’t he embarrassed he’s trying so hard to offload them onto you especially when he presumably shares care with their mother?

We have a total clusterfuck in the family like this. Ultimately the man at the heart is a selfish pig who presented well and disguised that. Around him are the chaos of ex wife, current wife, and most damaged of all the kids.

Is the problem that he is just not pulling his weight in general? I think you should treat all the kids equally but that doesn't mean he's not lazy.

I think it depends how much he's asking you to do stuff. I do things for my DSC because I want to and we are a family unit. I've only ever dropped my DSC to their mums once and that's because my partner had done his back in and was in agony. However, I do all the cooking (it's my way of relaxing anyway) and we share the washing for example if I'm putting a wash on I wouldn't say I'm not washing DSC clothes as they're not mine (I'm not saying your doing this at all). If it was for almost everything that would piss me off and I'd agree with you.

True, but the ones women come on here and to complain about probably weren’t actively co parenting with their first wives, because if they were they wouldn’t be expecting second wives to do it.

Is the issue that he's a lazy fucker who doesn't parent any of his children?

Tbh I'd expect him to do it for both...he can google it to sort the website to order for both his kids. It's what we would have to do anyway if we get stuck.

I wouldn't rise to his comment and I wouldn't reply back about kids. I'd just comment "Google it" or "You'll have to make up the hours for work when I'm out of work as I took time off for them the other day"

A lot of the time it's the parent not rising to being a parent. I think the resentment gets misplaced as it's an easier pill to swallow then your husband is an arse and we made a crappy judgement. 😅

I'd always turn the comments back on them and their laziness or ineptitude. I would never rise to bringing the kids into it, if they ever overheard they'd be devastated.

"Just imagine you're doing it for your kids.... oh wait you are"

To be clear this is your reply to him!

I mean....how did you even get into this position?
I was 24 when I moved in with my now husband of 20 years, but never in a million years would it cross my mind to choose someone with children
(who are not self sufficient adults).
No-one ever guided me by my hand, as they say, either.
What did you expect?
I would have laughed in their face, if a "Dad" wanted to date me (I think once I did).
😂
Would you be better off just with your child?

I wouldn't be able to hide the fact I'd want my kids to come first. Agree.

What else?
Doesn't take a rocket science with these types.

“Not sure how to work the website?”

Is your husband elderly?

I have step children, and a child from my first marriage. My husband and I very much take charge with our own respective children, though of course help each other out when needed. Because neither of us are in the relationship to shunt the donkey work of parenting on to someone else.