Just imagine they are your DC if it helps

[Kat8777]

The above is what DH has started saying to me any time he wants me to help with DSC. Aibu to want to punch him whenever he does.

We share a young child and for my own sake, I have had to take a big step back from how much I do for DSC. I realised I was being expected to do way too much.

DH has noticed and he makes little digs from time to time. And if he ever wants to guilt trip me into doing something like picking them up from a hobby because he's late at work or sort their birthday presents because he's "not sure how to work the website" then I get "just imagine you're doing it for X if it helps" X being the name of our shared child.

It gets right under my skin.

Have you tried responding with “My expectation is that as X’s dad you buy x’s birthday presents”. “My expectation is that as his dad you would pick X up from football too”. Where x is your shared son.

The difference is that when you let x down I’m willing to step in and buy the present or do the pickup.

In this case I was thinking about our relative who quite singlemindedly went out there dating to get a stepmother to take on the parenting burden.
Before she was on the scene, any female relative was fair game for the alternate weekend Thursday call, thinking about popping down to see you.
I'm hoping that a new generation will just have the guts to say children aren't for me rather than we are a dysfunctional couple in our early thirties let's have a child to make a family.
Ultimately it is the kids that end up with the niggle of rejection whether the stepparent does or doesn't do anything. All the kids mostly want, in most situations is attention from the original parents. The security of a childish fairy tale.

@Trethorne well I agree tbh. But the only way we can do that is by any beatdead parent being held accountable and that pressure not passed on to others .

A starting point would be not having one gender of society being enabling or setting the tone it's ok to shuffle off any of their offspring on to anything that is female. That means we have to stop blaming the females that say no. As you can see on this thread it seems that a step mother is held equally if not to a higher standard than Dad.

People miss the context the Grimm fairy tales where created stories situated where maternal survival was poor. All of the "fathers" in the stories caused the damage to their children. At worse they are portrayed as loveable idiots bumbling around not doing much or in some just completely absence from the book itself. The blame lying on the females in the book and also the female characters to "solve" the dad thing that happens within.

It's not a wonder why this type of thing still happens. These stories were written in 1822 and it seems some fathers know they don't have to lift a finger because the women on their lives will either be blaming another female for her lack of "stepping in" or turned into some villain for refusing to do so and will never be held accountable.

We want to ensure child safety and security isn't a fairy tale. Maybe as a society we should stop allowing fathers to pass the buck and when they see other men do actual part of the heavy lifting of childcare they might think twice about reproducing. At the moment sadly it seems absolve them of accountability but putting the responsibility on any near by female.

The roots go deep @hotandpermi, thank you for your interesting reply.

I'm 51, been here since in was all fields. I think there is a shift in the narrative occuring but it's being driven by women not men. Or I don't hear the men.
In the 90s it was assumed all girls would have children unless you were caught up in some unfortunate event such as your own infertility (never blame a man, how humiliating) or failure to literally get a ring on your finger.
It was rare and accompanied by a whiff of how cold and inhuman to say you didn't want kids.

So much has shifted, in how we discuss and police young women's sex lives since the 60s to the 90s to today.

With the next generation of young adults that have had blended families, more formal childcare, less gender splits in the workplace I think we might hear more about parents rather than mother's & father's, step or otherwise.

In a sometimes day to day miserable world its easy to not see the bigger shifts.
I think some kids and women are unfortunately still caught up in the tail end of 80s masculine upbringing.

@hotandpermi I think you're being a bit unfair.
Yes the man is crap. He's likely always been crap, but hid it until his feet were under the table.
I think it's completely unrealistic to think a man like that would change/evolve/value his female partner or want to take responsibility for his children (all of them).

Now the op is in this situation she has only 3 choices as I see it.

1. Become an unhappy nag but still end up doing everything
2. Take/continue to take on the lion share of the housework/child raising on-top of her day job and not bother with the nagging
3. Take stock of the situation, explain to the dp why this isn't working for her, explain how it needs to change and if it doesn't then leave him.

I think most people are advising her 3, he's not on here trying to get advice (he might be on readit moaning his wife doesn't 'give' him enough sex!) so pointless giving him advice and trying to appeal to his better nature.

He created the situation, but she's going to have to be the person who stands up for her quality of life, he doesn't view that as important.

This is the thing.

The issues are usually with the DSC when it's the Dad's biologocal kids.

Many women are happy to push out step kids. My Dad's partner is like this. Thankfully we were adults by the time we met.