Just imagine they are your DC if it helps

[Kat8777]

The above is what DH has started saying to me any time he wants me to help with DSC. Aibu to want to punch him whenever he does.

We share a young child and for my own sake, I have had to take a big step back from how much I do for DSC. I realised I was being expected to do way too much.

DH has noticed and he makes little digs from time to time. And if he ever wants to guilt trip me into doing something like picking them up from a hobby because he's late at work or sort their birthday presents because he's "not sure how to work the website" then I get "just imagine you're doing it for X if it helps" X being the name of our shared child.

It gets right under my skin.

I image he's pretty hands off with your shared child too as he's already struggling to look after his children from his first marriage?
This is similar to agreements about shared finances, really should have been sorted before getting pregnant.

Sometimes it's easier to do things alone and get the benefit from proper time off when the child goes EOW etc.
Gives you time to date and socialise or work/study/relax rather than being a permanent Cinderella.

It sounds like your relationship is an equal partnership, whereas OP feels like her husband is trying to palm off all the child related stuff on him.

Why have you let him away with saying this more than once?

"Imagine, if it's not beneath you, that you're their actual parent, and I'm not your nanny. Oh, hang on..."

"Just imagine you're not a moron and you know how to work a website".

They all say 'think of them as your own' when it comes to favours they want, but if you actually started treating them the same as your own in terms of discipline, rules, saying no to things, cancelling things...it would be a very different tune.

This with bells on!

Absolutely.

So you have shitty men who were incapable of maintaining a good relationship and being decent fathers. And then these women marry them and decide to have further children with them, massively complicate the situation for all of the adults and children involved, when these men have already demonstrated that they couldn't even cope with being a decent husband or a decent father to their existing children. And then, having married man who already had children and has not done a good job of being a partner or parent these women are so shocked that it doesn't work out into some kind of domestic bliss when they produce a step-sibling. The mind boggles really, at how anybody could be so completely clueless.

Weird how many people come on here and somehow seem to suggest that a problem caused by a man (ops husband) is actually the women in his life's fault - in both direct and none direct ways.

It's always these comments that have nothing constructive to say other than a poorly veiled dig . It does makes me wonder what in their lives that's so bad, that they feel the need make a stranger feel bad on a forum about step parenting (when they usually disclose usually no affiliation with blended families). Very odd.

Op tell your husband "let's pretend if it helps that their your children, you aren't a lazy mf that's trying to shirk your responsibilities and that just because I'm a women doesn't mean I have to do my share of the load and also yours - . What I find weird is you know "insert kids names" would prefer you to pick them up/ chose their gifts etc rather than me since realistically they are here to spend quality time with you (but you seem to be avoiding it ?) so you need to do what's best for them, opposite to what creates a easy life for you"

Sad with a smile and walk away - every dig look bored.

Just because you're female (and I would say this blended family or nuclear one) doesn't mean you automatically have to be a nanny/cleaner/taxi for the men in your lives. If your partnership works like this and you're happy with the set up - good for you but op is clearly not in this space .

Personally a man that treated me like that would give me as the kids say "the ick" regardless of being 1st or 2nd marriage

Rinse and repeat.

Oh and I'm a 1st wife and I know not all of us are angels. Let's stop the bullshit - it's disingenuous to suggest we know why op husband and ex wife marriage failed. Talk about mystic megging.

Said** ffs not sad

What a strange POV.

Are you saying no one should ever date someone who's been divorced?

What about people who've been in long term relationships that ended?

Does everyone just get one go at love and then have to be alone forever if it doesn't work out?

In our family, the man I'm thinking of is a terrible parent, those kids will be unpicking his disregard for them throughout life.
However he does make a charming boyfriend. Solvent, flexible job, lives foreign travel, really good at DIY. He'll be useless if you're ill, and emotionally unavailable but good at telling you all in cool things he did years ago.
Once the kids are properly grownup, he'll make a great, give you space, boyfriend but in the mean time you'll need to pick up the pieces of damaged teens.

^

I often wonder how things are working out between my lazy, useless, manipulative wanker ex and his new wife (who actually is also psycho)

"I often wonder how things are working out between my lazy, useless, manipulative wanker ex and his new wife (who actually is also psycho)"

This thread is like reading the grim fairytale book.

Always curious why the anger isn't completely focused on the father's failing and how it gets transferred to whomever his partner is ?

I will say it again women aren't and shouldn't be considered as jointly responsible for a man's failings. This swings both ways.

The people who do the actions, are the people responsible for those actions. Period

@Trethorne genuine question.

My ex is a pretty useless dad to our DD. Any picking up the pieces would need to be done by the people who created her. Me and him but I don't even think I will be able to prevent it.

Even if a SP tried to - I can't imagine many having success with teens - only person who can fix that damage would be the person who created it. With the best will in the world - you can't fundamentally force a shit dad to be less shit.

Any mum would try to help her child but wouldnt be able to fix it. So is it fair that the assumption is a step parent would ?

That assumption wouldn't be made of a step father so why a step mother ?

This.

Flip it around, if he wasn't the father of your child, would you give him a free rein on anything child related?

The reality is if you get involved with a person with kids you will be getting involved in the day to day logistics of family life. It seems once you had a joint child you lost interest in the ones that already existed - this happened in my family, my dc were ignored by grandparents (grandad and step grandmother) once the biological grandchild came along. I think it's a balancing act and men need to be doing their share but we also need to be a team. I don't refuse to help with my dsd because she's not biologically mine, I married her father which makes her my responsibility too

But this guy is just trying to shove parenting grunt work onto op cos he can’t be bothered to figure out a website, and he’s trying to do it by guilt (instead of say “aargh, can’t figure out this stupid thing, could you help, please and thank you” - say)

If you split and he goes on to have another child in another relationship then he will be saying the same thing about your child...

I also know people out there like that. They are the worst.

It doesn't mean I think all divorced people are the worst though.

Sometimes relationships just don't work out or the other person cheats etc.

What a horrible attitude you have OP. And shared by lots of people.

I can't imagine refusing to pick up my own DC's siblings because their dad - my DH - was at work. Presumably you benefit financially from the fruits of his labour.

I hate it when I hear about DMs refusing to lift a finger for SCs on some principle or other and then backed up by all the pantomime dames on here.

Poor kids.

There’s no indication that OP doesn’t work: assume her DH also benefits financially from the fruits of her labour.

I would say the same if they only had joint kids as well - trying to palm off his hobby pickups and working a gift website onto his wife when he has said he will do it, and doing so by trying to apply guilt that he clearly CBA to feel himself, is shitty behaviour.

My husband is stepdad to my 2 girls. And treats them like he treats our ‘shared child’

My girls stepmum supports them and would do anything for them. Obviously me and their dad (my exh)have their best interests at heart too.

So I would hate all of the stuff that seems to go on in other peoples houses.

We all muck in with the children. Step or otherwise. Share lifts, responsibility, costs. Etc. and surprisingly we all respect each other and life is fairly straightforward.

The obvious solution is that he does a proper share of the parenting for all 3 kids. He needs to work out how to use the website for example not palm it off on you.

That way it’s equal, no SC/Bio child divide, AND you’re not being treated like a skivvy.