DP suddenly broke - can I grumble?

[Stepmumptsd]

My DP, formerly a somewhat high-earning professional who one would generously consider middle aged, is broke.

This is 100% self-inflicted.

He has started an MBA ( 20 years older than most on the course) and cut his work to one day consulting a week.

And now we cannot go out for dinner anymore.

DP is in finance (like me) and beyond the age where extra letters after his name would propel him towards the C-suite. He will most likely enjoy his course then return to his former director level job or similar with impressive new Powerpoint skills.

But I thought his career break was a nice idea, until he told me that he is broke.

I was not sure this was true, so we looked at his budget. He's broke.

He has enough savings to fund his course, pay his mortgage, pay his nanny, buy food for himself and the kids and run the car. And also to keep paying his non-mortgaged ex wife her court-ordered absolutely flabbergasting monthly maintenance as well as the substantial list of extras the exw, I just learned, is billing DP for monthly.

These comprise: children's clothes, clubs, extra curricular sports, holiday camps, school uniforms, tuition, therapists, school dinners, mobile phone, pocket money, horse riding, birthday parties, football shoes and LEGO.

They have the children 50-50. The exw works part time but does not need to and does not pay for childcare because of generous parents. The 50-50 was agreed by exw after fantabulous maintenance was secured. Lol.

I don't live with DP so am not directly affected by his brokeness exactly.

But we do share a life and a lifestyle. And pre-brokeness it was a nice one. Dinners out a couple of times a month. A foreign holiday together once a year. Taking both sets of kids to plays and musicals at weekends. We always went Dutch. I always knew the exw was richer than me because she worked very hard in court for several months to prove her womb was golden and I worked in offices for 25 years so as not to rely on an ex husband, but I didn't mind as my lifestyle was the same as before I met DP.

But now DP is broke it is going to cost me.

When I fancy sharing a bottle of plonk and fish and chips at home, I will have to buy it.

When we have mutual friends over for a meal, I will have to buy the food.

When my child is in a play and wants DP and his kids to come, I will be buying all five tickets.

This is probably an AIBU but I put it on step parents because I am a step parent in all but living arrangement - DP and I shift nomadically between our two homes depending on which kids we have when.

And yet when it comes to having a say on finances, I am feeling nothing like a partner and very like a girlfriend who may have just sleepwalked into buying meals for a geriatric student who is paying for his exw to summer in Tuscany.

I am asking myself whether:

I should've been consulted ahead of the MBA decision with fully discussing the finances?

I should have realised he was paying over the odds for child stuff?

I should ask DP to review this now or to vary his maintenance order in court? (He will say the exw will respond by pulling the kids out of activities and not buying them shoes.)

I should resign as quasi step parent on the basis I should not have responsibility for DP's kids when I have such little agency over how we live our joint lives?

I should merrily commit all my disposable income to myself and get a season ticket to Champneys, leaving DP at home to eat Pot Noodle?

I should join his student lifestyle, learn to love Pot Noodle again and clear my mortgage early? (Quite like thiis idea actually, lemons into lemonade.)

Why is the Ex getting your anger?
Things are the same as they have been for years. She deserved half his assets.
She hasn't increased her financial demands.
You sound so jealous and bitter.
He's putting his children first which is the right thing to do.

He's reduced his income, that was his choice and you are the first thing to fall off the list unfortunately.

He's made a life choice.

Is it short term? How long?

His children's maintenance (which sounds consistent with his standard of living) is more important than a trip to nandos.

It's really your decision whether you accept it's a period of Netflix and home dinners or time to move on.

Is it not just the case that financially supporting his children (who unlike the OP can't support themselves) rank priority.
Not sure how anyone can argue with this.

I think that deep down you know the issue here isn’t the maintenance (he’s been paying that the whole of the relationship), shoes, therapy and clubs for the kids (I’m sure you pay for those things for yours), the nanny (presumably you also have childcare) etc.

The issue is that a man who is presumably able and knowledgeable financially has cut his previous 5 day a week job down to 1 day consulting when he has financial responsibilities that this doesn’t cover. The solution here is that he needs to do 2 days consulting and fit some of his work or study into a weekend day.

Yes. Genius!

Why does he 'need' to? He's made his decisions and is still covering his bills.

It’s not difficult. You don’t pay for him. Let him work it out.

What is OP paying for exactly? The OP doesn’t actually say she’s paying for anything, she’s worried about him not wanting to spend as much in the future but that hasn’t actually happened and she isn’t financially supporting him in anyway.

And let’s stop feeding into this new GF bitterness about ex wives. He’s paying for his children, not his ex.

They have the kids 50/50 though and he is paying for all of their activities. What is the ex paying for? Sounds like nothing. Therefore he is heavily subsidising ex's life.

It doesn't sound like he didn't know what he was doing.

He is working in finance, well off, pays a lot to his exW.

So it sounds to me like his decision to cut down on expenses related to your relationship (trips, meals etc) is because your relationship is not his priority.

You seen to be blaming the ex wife for it all, but surely the only reason he's in this predicament is because he decided to jack in his job and go to uni for no real reason?

If he hadn't done that, you would have no idea about the agreement between him and his ex.

I also think you are focusing too much on how much he pays to his exW. I think that's irrelevant to your relationship. It sounds like he was paying that much before you got together. I also think if one is his DC is disabled, it would be cruel to expect him to cut down on his payments and for his kids to miss out.

Ultimately you need to decide if your relationship is strong enough to survive a period where you don't eat out or go on trips etc.

You can always leave if it doesn't work for you.

But I don't see how putting your anger towards his exW helps you in any way. Unless you are just venting and not looking for solutions.

Also you're coming across that you're only with him for the lifestyle and you're not interested in him if he now can't go on holidays etc with you.

'she worked very hard in court for several months to prove her womb was golden'

What a nasty thing to think and say.

Your post reads that you are consumed by jealousy of his ex who has done you no harm
whatsoever.

If you don't like your boyfriends t moo ray financial situation then dump him.

I think he's be better off if you dumped him so that he can find someone who isn't jealous and respects all that he does for his original family.

If it’s only a year well less than that now ? Can he just take a repayment holiday on his mortgage for a few months to ease some financial pressure ? Either that or do his consulting for two days a week and shift some studying to weekend : evenings ?

How much does he pay for Lego?? 😂😂

Frankly if you aren’t happy to do a bit less wining and dining with him for 9/10 months while he is studying then it’s not really a long term relationship either way.

A lot of what you say is a variant of if she hadn't X or if he wasn't doing Y, in hopes of keeping your lovely life as it was. Understandable.

But she did, and he is, and this is the reality of the man and the relationship you actually have now. In truth you're seeing things about him that were never ideal.

It sounds as though your relationship has run its course. It's time to say thank you for the good experiences you shared, and move on.

I wonder who you will meet next?

I'd pull back if I were you.

You need to point out that his expenditure doesn't fit his lifestyle and something has to give. At the moment that something is you.

He's made his choices 4 days off a week arseing around at university is how he wants to spend his time and money. Going to nandos with you, less of a draw.

I think the plan to go on holiday is a good one and the season ticket to champneys a sterling idea.

It doesn't sound like much of a relationship if I'm being honest. You aren't a partnership, more 2 individuals doing your own thing near each other.

He needs to cut back. Legally quite expensive to stop maintenance. He could still fund the kids but not the ex.

From your other posts on other threads, this all sounds a bit shit. Your DP’s ex seems awful and is trying to poison one of the kids against you and will walk out of events because you are there (which by the way there’s no excuse for even if someone was the OW but I don’t think the OP was). Your DP struggles a bit with parenting and I sense that you want more than what he is offering. Are you sure you want to do this anymore?

Why are you with him? You clearly don't like the man very much aside from what he can add to your life and you obviously loathe the fact that he's subsidising his ex.

An MBA is a year. I absolutely think he could work more but ultimately if you don't want to subsidise a year's worth of socialising I'd suggest it's not a very important relationship for you and you should chuck it.

No he's not.

He's got them 50/50 so he shouldn't be paying her any maintenance.

He's clearly not that wealthy or he wouldn't be in this predicament. He's probably on about £150k - £200k. Which you can halve for tax etc, if he's got a big mortgage (I'm guessing she took the house in divorce) isn't actually as large a take home as you think.

She's not getting spousal maintenance. She's getting large child maintenance. Which was set during the divorce when she was deliberately angling for him not having the children 50/50. In order to get a big whack of maintenance. As per OP.

Low and behold once she's secured her court maintenance payout, he can suddenly take the children equally. Shocker. Let's not be naive here and all Pikachu-shocked-face at the idea she possibly orchestrated it, that's blatantly what she's done. Fair play, she manipulated the system and has a temporary win. She's not the first she won't be the last.

This is the point where he should have taken her back to court, but he probably couldn't afford any more court costs and fuckaboutery.

The reason it's a temporary win is that, 12mths from the court order he simply asks CMS to do a calculation and she'll get feck all maintenance because he has them 50/50. Watch her try and take it back to court then. Suddenly there'll be all manner of bullshit reasons why it's better for the children to no longer do 50/50.

So no, he's not financing his children that equally live with him. He's financing her pretending to the court they don't. And he can't do anything about that until 12mths from the court order. But. Even though she's now not entitled to the maintenance she did wangle, he's voluntarily paying more stuff as well. The maintenance already covers that and then some. This isn't a "great dad" this is voluntarily bankrolling his ex at the expense of his partner.

He's gifting money to the ex who's already swindled him for no reason and then shrugging that if OP wants to do anything then she'll be paying for him and his kids to attend. Any normal person would be furious at being rinsed by their ex like this. He's not even mad, he can't give more and more to the ex fast enough. He's not over her, and he's seriously not arsed about OP.

This OP.
Pull back completely in terms of paying for anything for the kids, even if "implicitly" (i.e. be mindful that you're not paying more for his kids when they're at yours than he's paying for your kids when they're at his. May well be the case if his kids have expensive tastes.)
It sounds like he's expecting you to sub him and his kids (and implicitly his ex).

What a nasty way to speak about someone. And it’s all based on a lot of assumptions and not a lot of information.

“'she worked very hard in court for several months to prove her womb was golden”

Yikes. This woman is nothing to do with you and not the cause your DP being “broke”.