DP suddenly broke - can I grumble?

[Stepmumptsd]

My DP, formerly a somewhat high-earning professional who one would generously consider middle aged, is broke.

This is 100% self-inflicted.

He has started an MBA ( 20 years older than most on the course) and cut his work to one day consulting a week.

And now we cannot go out for dinner anymore.

DP is in finance (like me) and beyond the age where extra letters after his name would propel him towards the C-suite. He will most likely enjoy his course then return to his former director level job or similar with impressive new Powerpoint skills.

But I thought his career break was a nice idea, until he told me that he is broke.

I was not sure this was true, so we looked at his budget. He's broke.

He has enough savings to fund his course, pay his mortgage, pay his nanny, buy food for himself and the kids and run the car. And also to keep paying his non-mortgaged ex wife her court-ordered absolutely flabbergasting monthly maintenance as well as the substantial list of extras the exw, I just learned, is billing DP for monthly.

These comprise: children's clothes, clubs, extra curricular sports, holiday camps, school uniforms, tuition, therapists, school dinners, mobile phone, pocket money, horse riding, birthday parties, football shoes and LEGO.

They have the children 50-50. The exw works part time but does not need to and does not pay for childcare because of generous parents. The 50-50 was agreed by exw after fantabulous maintenance was secured. Lol.

I don't live with DP so am not directly affected by his brokeness exactly.

But we do share a life and a lifestyle. And pre-brokeness it was a nice one. Dinners out a couple of times a month. A foreign holiday together once a year. Taking both sets of kids to plays and musicals at weekends. We always went Dutch. I always knew the exw was richer than me because she worked very hard in court for several months to prove her womb was golden and I worked in offices for 25 years so as not to rely on an ex husband, but I didn't mind as my lifestyle was the same as before I met DP.

But now DP is broke it is going to cost me.

When I fancy sharing a bottle of plonk and fish and chips at home, I will have to buy it.

When we have mutual friends over for a meal, I will have to buy the food.

When my child is in a play and wants DP and his kids to come, I will be buying all five tickets.

This is probably an AIBU but I put it on step parents because I am a step parent in all but living arrangement - DP and I shift nomadically between our two homes depending on which kids we have when.

And yet when it comes to having a say on finances, I am feeling nothing like a partner and very like a girlfriend who may have just sleepwalked into buying meals for a geriatric student who is paying for his exw to summer in Tuscany.

I am asking myself whether:

I should've been consulted ahead of the MBA decision with fully discussing the finances?

I should have realised he was paying over the odds for child stuff?

I should ask DP to review this now or to vary his maintenance order in court? (He will say the exw will respond by pulling the kids out of activities and not buying them shoes.)

I should resign as quasi step parent on the basis I should not have responsibility for DP's kids when I have such little agency over how we live our joint lives?

I should merrily commit all my disposable income to myself and get a season ticket to Champneys, leaving DP at home to eat Pot Noodle?

I should join his student lifestyle, learn to love Pot Noodle again and clear my mortgage early? (Quite like thiis idea actually, lemons into lemonade.)

He works one day a week, has a nanny, and is self-funding an MBA.

He ain't broke; he's just making choices with his money that the OP doesn't like because they benefit literally everyone in the scenario except her.

It’s relative to income and lifestyle expectations. A father who does as much as he can for his children is a good father. A man who takes away his children’s hobbies so his girlfriend can throw a dinner party is a less good father.

He has worked out his income to fulfil his priorities and commitments and what he has left is what he’s allocated for his social life.

Whether OP wants to stick around is up to her. What she’s not entitled to do is ask him to cut back on his family commitments.

What's the big deal?
If it's The Real Thing, then just do stuff within his budget when you're together.
Pot Noodles, cuddling up in bed (because heating costs a lot) play a board game, go for a walk with a nice flask of tea ?
He finishes next year, gets a new job and you both bounce back into living a more luxe life.
Or he's actually had enough of slaving away to keep bringing in the big ££ to fund ex wife , his kids and you in the style everyone got accustomed to?

I actually think it's his own way of saying ' I can't do this anymore'.
But he's done it in a way that looks reasonable ( because who can argue against more education?).

I read this as a man who could be on the edge but nobody knows

The op is paying for everything for her partner. Her partner is paying for everything for his ex. If there is a gold digger in this scenario I'm pretty sure it's not the op...

Personally I'd commit all my spare income to me and my kids and I'd be buggered if I'd be spending it on holidays for everyone if the previous arrangement was Dutch.

If he wants to keep up the lifestyle he can get a loan - extend the mortgage or just get a loan.

So one of his children has a disability. Your partner has 50-50 care - does that include half of all medical appointments, half of the vast amounts of admin which can be associated with a disability, half of any unexpected caring responsibilities due to unexpected sickness or illness caused by the disability ? Was he on-call to collect the child from school in emergencies? Or did his wife work part time so she could support their disabled child?

You’re very disparaging about the ex-wife, but presumably the court settlement was based on the needs of the children. It’s the responsibility of your partner and his ex to provide for their children, not her parents.

It would be a shitty father indeed who prioritised holidays with his partner above the needs of his children.

Your partner has made a questionable financial decision

Tesco, cinema and Nando's are peak student lifestyle activities, so sounds like you're on board already. Don't forget to download the app for your loyalty points.

Doing the MBA is selfish when he has agreed to this settlement and took on so much financial responsibility. I think he's acting irresponsibly and you are wrong to blame his ex - she put her case forward and won the settlement, it is his responsibility to honour it or challenge it when he lowers his income. I would leave him to it.

Yes, this is my suspicion too.

These are the options I'd go with OP:

should resign as quasi step parent on the basis I should not have responsibility for DP's kids when I have such little agency over how we live our joint lives?
I should merrily commit all my disposable income to myself and get a season ticket to Champneys, leaving DP at home to eat Pot Noodle?

When he bemoans not being able to afford things, I would cheerfully say 'Aw, it'll all be worth it when you have the MBA! You must have loads of reading to do, I'll let you get started' and head home via Nandos.

I would certainly not take on any responsibility for his kids - they have two parents providing for their various needs already. Stand well back from that.

He’s not broke. He is just prioritising his money away from you. It’s up to you whether you can live with that. But to ask him to explore paying less for his children (one of whom is disabled and presumably his ex was the default carer for when they were together - perhaps reducing her opportunities to earn well or even work at all) would be a very poor show.

He is in a different space to you- you don't live together and he sounds more of a companion than a life partner.

He will know all this about his divorce and maintenance, lawyer would have talked him through it. He has access to google. He pays because he wants to.

You don't have to support him because you live separate lives anyway.

He needs to get a job to fund his expenditure and lifestyle. What did he think was going to happen!:)

Also, he might be thinking of finishing with you, but letting you agonise over it.

The solution seems pretty simple to me. He just needs to do a little more consultancy work. If he is doing 1 day a week at the moment and that is enough to pay for his mortgage, a nanny and for the ex wife to “summer” in Tuscany then an extra day a month would easily give him enough money to live a non-student life, Maybe even an extra day every other month.

Exactly- I can barely afford to buy milk at the end of the month and I don't even fully consider myself broke.

In July you said DP has made some! He’s said he’s going to stop paying maintenance because 50-50 is established and will vary the order how did that go?

OP isn't a gold digger. It's clear she has always paid her own way. She just doesn't want to pay his way now that all his spare cash is going to the ex wife and I don't bloody blame her.

Why ard you involved with someone sho is such a mess. I couldn't be bothered onthe best day I ever had. I certainly wouldnt be paying for his kids. He chose to take a work break.

He's broke because he's quitting 4 days out of 5 work, to act out some fantasy whim of doing an MBA.

Not because of his kids.

The ex wife does sound like a scheming twat. But then you have to ask why he's choosing to appease someone like that over and above you. You're not important to him. Sorry that's potentially hard to hear, but he's spending his money on everything he thinks is worth it. You literally have to pay for him and his DC to come out with you.

Let that sink in. He's not over the ex.

That’s not the case though is it. The partner is managing his financial commitments. At most, the OP is paying for few dinners or bottles of wine.

You sound more cross with your DP's EXDW than you do with your DP!

In your shoes I couldn't entertain this nonsense. Only you know what you can put up with though, and it sounds like you've reached the end of your tether here.

Gosh. OP is really very interested in her partner’s income and what he pays for his children. He wouldn’t even have started the MBA back in July.

It’s almost unbelievable when someone with children of their own is able to put aside the needs of children for their personal gain.

How's he a mess? He's obviously had a good career, and has enough savings to take a career break to gain more qualifications. And he has his kids 50/50, and pays more towards them than he technically has to.

Sounds like quite a stand up guy to me really.

I wouldn’t pay for him - do the nice things without him or his kids.

MBA is only a year. I'd do the pot noodles with him and then more expensive stuff
With friends. If there is something I want to do with him then I'd pay for it. But I'm guessing that this is more about you not feeling like a partner since you were not consulted at any point. It also sounds like blended family is not really working. Impossible to say if exwife is unreasonable without knowing the background but until your finances are joint, nothing you can really do.

Let's hope he doesn't get ill like long term sick. The op would dump him pdq then.

Op, you sound pretty shallow and focused only on good times. Which is fine but there's no need to get bitter and toxic about those that don't fall in line with your personal vision. You do sound pretty awful in your op.

Just end it and move on.

You never know, he might be desperate for your own golden womb (misogyny much?) that he sheds his maintenance payments to his kids and you'll have won your 'prize'. Give it a whirl.

'She was strategically brilliant in securing an amazing divorce settlement.'

Good on her !!!
it makes such a change on MN to hear of a woman and mother to get a decent deal upon divorce !

the majority of women / mothers seem to come out of divorce so much worse off.