How do you get past the resentment?

[OhMelville]

Just that really. How do you stop every little thing the SC do or say bother you? I know I will get flamed and I know how unreasonable I am being. But I can’t help how I feel. When SC is here everything revolves around them. They are messy. Demanding of their father’s time. Whinge and complain about most things, and just take over everything in general. We have joint DC so no point saying to leave as this isn’t the answer nor what I am looking for. I’m just curious how other Step Parents navigate their feelings?

How old are all the children?
Is the split 50/50 with SC?
Does SC sped time alone with DH?
Is DH a Disney dad? Does he ask SC to tidy up, do chores..
What's the relationship with SM like?

Why would you think your step child is "demanding" of their father's time?

If their behaviour is markedly different to the behaviour of your joint child/children then you need to have a conversation with him about how you both can address that.

I’d get therapy. You need someone to listen to your feelings of hatred without judging you or shutting you down, and to help you work out why you’ve made the choices you have and how to proceed in the best way to give you most chance of contentment. I’d look through ukcp or bacp for an experienced, registered psychotherapist.

I’m not resentful of children wanting to spend time with their father, no. Have you ever been around children before? This is what they do, it’s called parenting.

Thanks for the replies. Some good and valid points! Our joint DC are younger and SC are 10 & 11. They stay over 2 nights a week. Disney Dad on some days for sure but certainly not all the time. And the relationship with SM is amicable most of the time. They discuss Christmas and birthdays and make it fair and balanced but there’s no flexibility on her side. So pretty standard I would say. The issue is DH is starting to pick up on my resentment. I read a comment on another thread with someone saying when SC are there they ruin your illusion of the “perfect nuclear family”. And that’s true! That’s how I think. I hate to admit it but it’s true.

From looking at your previous posts I can see there is a big age gap between your SC and your joint DC.
How old are your SC? Unfortunately kids and teens are whiny, they complain and they are messy. I’d suspect given the age of your joint DC that you’ve just not got to this age yet!
I come from a place of having met my DSS when he was 6, to then having my own two children with DH now. DSS is 22 and mine are 10 and 6. DSS was whiny, his friends were whiny…. My kids are whiny and want to be the centre of attention all the time, they play each other off against each other.
You need to step away from thinking it’s a SC problem and move to that is their age and how kids are. Give them a break , life is hard enough with hormones let alone having to live across two houses - have a new family etc

You and your own children have DH 5 out of 7 days alone.
SC are there 2 days a week and have to share DH with his new family.
Sounds like it's the SC that should be the ones feeling resentful, not you.

He needs to stop the Disney dad routine and parent his children.

Can you visit family while the SC are there? Do something with your children alone? While DH takes SC out.

Maybe you could go away for those two days and stop being so demanding of their dad's very limited time with his eldest children.

He doesn’t have much time with them

You need to let go of the notion of your perfect little nuclear family as that's not what you married into. Your decision ... so own it. Shut down the feelings of resentment in your head when they pop up. They are your feelings to handle, no one elses. I almost feel like saying grow up, tbh.

Make it easier on yourself and the SC.
Every second week,leave them to it - either you and your kids go on an adventure or husband and SC take a camping trip etc. Make it easy for DH to concentrate on the older kids every second visit.

Did you resent them before having joint DC?

Thanks for the harsh truth I honestly needed to hear it. If I was reading this post and it was someone else’s, I would be thinking and saying the same things! I know my feelings are unreasonable and it’s not fair right to feel like this. I just don’t know how to navigate it. Thank you so much to everyone that’s commented.

I always think it’s helpful to remember: they didn’t choose this. They are in this situation because of choices made by the adults in their lives that the DC have no control over. So cut them some slack.

Just that feeling that your own 4 walls, your home, is no longer fully yours for the time they are here. I always try and remind myself that this isn’t their fault and what else can they do? But it’s a complete takeover of your home your life your plans for the time they are here, which is every week that’s so difficult!

It’s your own behaviour you need to get past, not theirs. You’ve made a shit and irreversible decision. You almost certainly knew it at the time. Now you want it to be someone else’s fault. It isn’t.

I think its helpful to really put yourself in the shoes of your step dc.They didn't choose this situation. They very likely would much prefer to have one home and one set of parents who love them and each other.

They also probably feel pushed out by your joint dc, feel their Dad loves them less than the dc who live with him and who get to spend every day with him and who also have the nuclear family that they miss.
You knew what you were getting into. You chose this life with them in it. They didn't get any choice.

I do sympathise with what you are saying and i think you need counselling. Really to avoid these feelings building.

None of us are aware of our own dc being difficult and needy like other dc but your dc will have their moments just like mine do.

I imagine the step dc find little dc quite limiting and irritating and stop their dad from doing certain activities with them.

You need to be the adult here. The more you push dc away and hurt them the more 'needy' ' difficult ' etc they become. Unhappy, insecure dc play up especially if they feel unwelcome in their dad's home. Try to think what their behaviour is trying to tell you rather than how its annoying and stopping what you think your life should be . And meet their needs.

That post made me so sad for your step dc. That when they are at their own parents house you feel your house isn't yours.
Those poor children.

I bet you were all loving and jolly to the kids and then had your own and suddenly it's all about your little family

Got know why women do this, the kids were there before you of course they should have their fathers time

You can't have a perfect nuclear family as that is not your set up
I sympathise with you ,but it was your decision to do this
I am honest enough to know I would hate my DC to have to share with other children so I would never have married a guy with DC

I'd remember as well, your DP feels the way you do about your DC, about all of his DC.

So when you're feeling resentful, he's going to naturally pull them closer to protect them and in turn make you feel more left out.

I don't have my own children, so when my DP did this it would reaffirm the belief that when my DSD was at our house (50/50), then I would feel pushed out.

If you can break that cycle, everyone feels more secure and no one is left on the sidelines feeling unwanted.

I think you need to also reframe your thinking, it’s their home too not just yours. With DSS he was at ours 50/50 which led to him being at ours more as he chose that. With that came friends, mess, teenage angst.
I always prided myself in that DS had two homes, two true homes when he felt at home. I think you need to let your DC feel this rather than they are going to their dads or step mums etc

I can relate but have no advice for you. I suffer with the same resentment except my SC lives with us full time.

How do you cope? Do you have your own DC or shared DC too?

I have the ‘perfect’ nuclear family and my kids are teens now: I often feel like this, my own 4 walls invaded, with a stream of my kids’ friends/girl/boyfriends sleeping on my sofabed, making noise and mess, needing snacks/meals! This is mine and my husband’s choice because the alternative is them spending more time at friends’ homes, which they also do, it seems normal for all their friends’ parents to welcome them at least in day/evening, but I just want to point out that the cosy feeling of one’s own home being in one’s own control is time limited anyway, if you want your children to have a stake in their own home.