How do you get past the resentment?

[OhMelville]

Just that really. How do you stop every little thing the SC do or say bother you? I know I will get flamed and I know how unreasonable I am being. But I can’t help how I feel. When SC is here everything revolves around them. They are messy. Demanding of their father’s time. Whinge and complain about most things, and just take over everything in general. We have joint DC so no point saying to leave as this isn’t the answer nor what I am looking for. I’m just curious how other Step Parents navigate their feelings?

You act like and adult and are kind and thoughtful. Of course they are demanding if their dad’s time.

I felt similar to you for years. Add into my mix a vitriolic toxic EW whose life mission was to make life as difficult as possible and drip poison into the SC’s ears.

I was only allowed to be referred to as ‘her’ by the SC who weren’t allowed to show any joy to their mum spending time with their dad or me.

After years of beating myself up - I adopted the NACHO method of SP. Not your kids, not your problem. You can’t care more than their parents. Parents love their kids unconditionally, we see their flaws.

SC are 16 & 19 now. The older who was extremely rude to me for years now doesn’t visit. I’m upset for my DH - but the relief is absolutely immense on my part that I don’t have to get through a weekend of walking on egg shells, not looking at me, not talking to me and monosyllabic answers.

We have a shared child.

I don't cope to be honest. Struggling a lot. There's a lot else going on in my life, alongside crippling PND. Some days having to deal with my SC who treats me like a maid is enough go tip me over the edge.

I'm sorry you're struggling too, and I'm sorry I don't have any practical advice.

Have any of the Step parents been a step child?

Being a stepchild is deeply difficult.

You're not going to want to hear this, but his kids come first. They were in his life before you, they’re his children, and they should come before you.
You’re the adult, you’re also the intruder in their story. You and your dc get their dad 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Whether they behave bratty or not, you’re being very unfair on them.
I have two SC (myself and DH also have a grown DC together too) both adults now with their own families, one of them lived with us full time when they were younger, the other didn’t. It was difficult, yes, caused a few rows, but we navigated through it. It’s tricky, but you’ve had a few years to get used to this, by now you should have realised you’re the grown up in this scenario and it’s up to you to make the SC feel at home in your home. It sounds like you’re making them feel like guests when they visit their dad-this is not the way to go.
You do not have a “perfect nuclear family” so get that thought right out of your head. You have a blended family.
Their dads house should feel like their second home, and their SM should welcome them with open arms, or you’re in for decades of resentment and ill will.

I should add I’ve also been a stepchild. Well, I still am if you want to be completely correct, but I’m the wrong side of 40 now 🤣. My parents divorced when I was 10, so is her a stepmum and stepdad, and both of them treated me like one of their own-and to this day I love them like they’re my own DP

I'm thinking of my mum reading this post - no longer with us - but she brought up my two older step-brothers as her own after their own mum's tragic early death. I consider them my brothers as we were all brought up together and believe me, my mum had to make some sacrifices when one of my step-brothers had mental health issues which stemmed from his mum's death when he was little.

So, you stop being so very selfish - maybe put those children before yourself - they didn't ask to be children of divorced parents. Grow up, grow a backbone, some empathy and be a better person here. You knew the situation when you married your husband and chose to have children with him. How would you feel if your children eventually have to compete for their father's attention if you divorce? You should re-frame your attitude from today, if you don't you'll cause some difficulties in your marriage - so over to you OP!!!!

Not a step parent, but grew up with a step mother and her resentment was palpable (even though back in the days, we were only with my DF EOW) and I never felt like my Dad's home was my home too.
I felt like an unwanted guest and it was awful.

OP I just wanted to say you sound.switvhed on and arw willing to take thr "criticisms " here on board, so I have every faith in you.

You are not the typical nuclear family, so.maybe your expectations need to adjust and yes, try and walk in your DCs shoes for a day
You'll get there, I'm sure
🌻

Absolutely this! And it is their home too!!
How would you cope if they wanted to live with their dad full time?

Just that feeling that your own 4 walls, your home, is no longer fully yours for the time they are here.
But it isn't fully just your home the rest of the time either - it is your DH home too.

And his older children come as a package with him, so his home is their home.
It never was just 'your' (singular) home.

But it’s a complete takeover of your home your life your plans for the time they are here
This sounds like better communication and planning is needed with your DH. Does he make plans? Does he expect you to drop your plans? Why is your life being taken over? Does he expect you to do all the 'work' and childcare for step-DC? Do you ever go out and leave him with all four DC?
You should be able to carry on with your life and keep to your plans when they are with you. You should also be involved in plans for the whole family including step-DC.

It should not be a complete take over of the house - your bedroom is still just for you and DH and the step-DC should never go in there, nor should your own DC when they are older.

I can understand some of how you are feeling. I’ve never been a step child but I’ve been a step parent - unfortunately I was in my early 20’s and very naive. I really struggled with resentment of having to share my time with DH and to share our house. Long story short but I am much older and wiser and can now see from SC perspective. It can’t have been easy

I can understand this. I have 2 DSC who we have 50/50 and when they were smaller it was strangely easier but as they have got older its been harder. When they were smaller I guess it was easier to have that version of 'nuclear family'. We had days out, and crafts and baking etc. Now they are 10 and 13 and they don't have much interest in those things. They are messy, rude, and self involved, but so are most children that age. I think as a step parent your tolerance levels for this behaviour are just lower in the same way anyone's is for any children that aren't their own. My own DD was a rude smelly teenager but it didn't get on my wick as much as it does with DSD. I think its just natural.

Previous PPs are right, the key is it isn't the kids fault and it is their home as much as yours. Ours are here 50/50, 3-4 nights a week every week and I have found ways to keep myself busy. This is made easier by the fact my own DD is an adult and moved out and we don't have any shared younger DC. But I have hobbies, I go out for walks, see friends and family etc. I still do stuff with them, we made pizzas together last night but I don't force myself and I don't force them either for me to be around all the time. That way stuff that does get on my nerves doesn't build up and resentment doesn't build either on either side.

He’s their dad (and was before you came along). It’s 2 days each week.

@OhMelville thank you for your honesty and know that you’re not alone in these feelings. Some of the comments made me feel really sad for you, everybody’s journey is individual. Yes the children must come first, but that doesn’t mean it’s a walk in the park and you’re entitled to feel.

The mess is tough - we try and lay ground rules out upfront - once finished with toys they must go back to the room, shoes in the shoe rack, plates in the dishwasher after eating etc. Definitely nowhere near perfect but it’s good to have some boundaries. Then I put the house fully back in order once they’re gone and just suck it up once they’re around.

I agree with some of the posts around how a lot of this will be an age thing. They’ll need a lot of love, support and attention as they’re likely feeling somewhat excluded by your children. So they’ll want quality time alone with their dad at times and also activities that you can all enjoy as a family that can work for all age groups. I’ve found the more I lean in, the easier it becomes. The more I distance myself and do my own thing, the more resentful I become as I then feel excluded.

not sure if this helps at all but just wanted to give some thoughts x

I very much feel for the children here and you do just need to work on your resentment as best you can. But, I also think you'll find that soon enough your kids will become the whiny surly kids you are resenting. Kids do whinge and are ungrateful and messy sometimes. You've just not reached the stage yet. You may be more tolerant of it because they are yours but it'll still wind you up.

Feel free to message me please. I feel the exact same way and it isnt changing x

Same here. Both of you feel free to message me.

It may have been mine pair that mentioned sc being a reminder of my nuclear family break down. It is hard.
Yes it's hard for the sc too but in reality nobody goes into life choosing to have a marriage breakdown and then a blended family.

I also completely get the house not feeling the same. My sc is here eow and dh also sees sc one evening a week. For that weekend sc is here my house doesn't feel like my home. I have mental health issues and let very few people into my house as it's my safe place and my escape from the world. Learning to have a sc here has been and still is tough.

Some things I've found help...
Doing things alone with my kids and leaving dh have time alone with sc.
Having noise cancelling air pods I can use when sc is too noisy for me.
Spending time in my room if I need a break.
Taking a step back from being responsible for certain things regarding sc.
Putting mine and my children's needs above dh and sc.

I still struggle a lot. I am not myself when sc is around and dh notices it and I know it's not fair on him to a certain extent. Nobody realises how difficult a situation can be until they live it. My advice to anyone would be not to blend families when children are young. I can't undo my decision now but I am trying hard to work on myself and to build what I can.

I'm here if anyone feeling the same wants to talk.

It never fails to amaze me how many people get into relationships with parents, and are then shocked that their children don't disappear.

but ‘your’ home isn’t just yours either. It’s your DP’s too and while he’s alive it also is home to all of his children.

View your SC as a gift who have been brought into your life

Tell Yourself every negative thought is only harming you and no one else

Look at it from their perspective.
They see him 2 days a week and share him with a sibling that has him all the time.
They are constantly moving between houses and probably can sense the resentment.
Imagine if that was your child.
Imagine how you would feel, knowing the sm resents them.

It’s also their home, maybe not a full time home but it needs to feel like their home or second home. I think you need to remember these children were here in their dad’s lives before you were. SM (what I’ve seen on here) usually get resentful over the SC once they start having their own children. He was a dad to those kids first so it’s only right they are made to feel welcome and get as much time as possible with their dad in the 2 days he has them. You and your DC get to see him more regularly

I can relate. For me it's the weekends filling up with so much crap. Parties and sports and all sorts.

We have a child and they also do parties and sports but the volume isn't as much. We also feel unnecessarily that we have to say yes to everything to avoid conflict with their mother. Even though, for my child I'd probably draw the line at two parties in one day! I think it's completely reasonable to decline an invite if you have something planned as a family.

But I don't resent the children themselves. They are children. And when they come out with frustrating remarks clearly borne from their mother's influence I remind myself that they are innocent and I personally do want to treat them in a way that affects their long term personality. So I smile and say that's nice.

And it's perfectly possible for a step mum to be a good person and their mum is problematic. It's not the old cliche of the step mum being a witch!

Setting boundaries will help. Make sure you have a space that is out of bounds for the Sk like maybe your room. But they need to feel like the remainder of the house is their home.

Don’t get too involved. If they have sport or a party to attend let your DH take them on his own.

Dont let their life admin become your problem. Any tasks relating to them are not yours. No exceptions.

Ignore the mess. Kids make mess. Make sure your DH helps clean up after they leave. Don’t clean the house before they get there, you don’t want to add to the resentment. If their stuff gets left out after they leave ask your dh to put it away. If it’s still there the next day throw it out, or hide it for a while.

Ignore the complaining, that is what teens do. Just don’t respond. If they don’t like something it’s too bad.

They need to be considered, but not put first. You are a family, and your needs as a whole are important. Set boundaries and limit the impact they can have on you and your DC.

Let them monopolise DHs time when they are there. Maybe find other things to do with your DC and give them time together.

Make sure you have at least one positive interaction with each of them when they visit.

If you really change your mindset about them from kids that annoy you and create a lot of extra work. To kids that you get to have fun with you might start to like having them there. If you are running around taking them places, or cleaning up after them, or doing washing of course you will resent them. You can’t erase them from his life, but you can erase the negative parts.

Not getting involved with a man with children would've done the job. You're the usurper, not them.

Maybe also consider how you'd feel if and when this happens to your children and the next woman is silently seething at their existence.