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Original poster

How do you get past the resentment?

90 replies

OhMelville · 03/11/2024 08:11

Just that really. How do you stop every little thing the SC do or say bother you? I know I will get flamed and I know how unreasonable I am being. But I can’t help how I feel. When SC is here everything revolves around them. They are messy. Demanding of their father’s time. Whinge and complain about most things, and just take over everything in general. We have joint DC so no point saying to leave as this isn’t the answer nor what I am looking for. I’m just curious how other Step Parents navigate their feelings?

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kiraric · 21/11/2024 06:50

You recognise these feelings are unreasonable so I won't tell you that

I have two suggestions:

One is that you change your expectations - it's ok that you don't love your stepchildren, most step-parents don't. That's ok. Don't focus on your feelings about it, focus on your behaviour and actions. It is non negotiable that you are polite and inclusive to your husband's children and your children's siblings. Just do it.

Second is that you take a minute every day - not just when the stepchildren are there - to think about something you are grateful for/thankful for. Could keep a gratitude journal if you want. The point of this being to focus your mind on the good things about your life to stop you dwelling on this.

Vettrianofan · 21/11/2024 06:53

OhMelville · 03/11/2024 08:26

Thanks for the replies. Some good and valid points! Our joint DC are younger and SC are 10 & 11. They stay over 2 nights a week. Disney Dad on some days for sure but certainly not all the time. And the relationship with SM is amicable most of the time. They discuss Christmas and birthdays and make it fair and balanced but there’s no flexibility on her side. So pretty standard I would say. The issue is DH is starting to pick up on my resentment. I read a comment on another thread with someone saying when SC are there they ruin your illusion of the “perfect nuclear family”. And that’s true! That’s how I think. I hate to admit it but it’s true.

But why get involved with someone if you knew he already had DC genuinely if that's how you feel??😬

You knew it would never be the nuclear family set up.

If anything happens to DH, I will be buying a dog for company! No way would I get involved with anyone with children....

Vettrianofan · 21/11/2024 06:59

crumblingschools · 03/11/2024 08:50

Did you resent them before having joint DC?

This is a very valid question.

mamajong · 21/11/2024 07:14

Ugh, my dc were made to feel this way by their step mum, they picked up on these vibes and would come home in tears saying 'she hates us' and now as young adults they barely see their dad because he didn't address it. They are kids who didn't choose this, unlike you who did. What are they doing that's so bad? Have you tried spending time with them alone? Joining in their hobbies? Helping them with homework? Get to know them better and if you feel some kind of way share with your friends but fgs check yourself because they will pick up on subtle signs and will be hurt

sometimesmovingforwards · 21/11/2024 07:19

OhMelville · 03/11/2024 08:26

Thanks for the replies. Some good and valid points! Our joint DC are younger and SC are 10 & 11. They stay over 2 nights a week. Disney Dad on some days for sure but certainly not all the time. And the relationship with SM is amicable most of the time. They discuss Christmas and birthdays and make it fair and balanced but there’s no flexibility on her side. So pretty standard I would say. The issue is DH is starting to pick up on my resentment. I read a comment on another thread with someone saying when SC are there they ruin your illusion of the “perfect nuclear family”. And that’s true! That’s how I think. I hate to admit it but it’s true.

It’s a fair comment and why so many refuse to entertain even the idea of a blended family. It’s rarely a good setup for anyone.

strawberrysea · 21/11/2024 14:02

Guest100 · 21/11/2024 06:26

Setting boundaries will help. Make sure you have a space that is out of bounds for the Sk like maybe your room. But they need to feel like the remainder of the house is their home.

Don’t get too involved. If they have sport or a party to attend let your DH take them on his own.

Dont let their life admin become your problem. Any tasks relating to them are not yours. No exceptions.

Ignore the mess. Kids make mess. Make sure your DH helps clean up after they leave. Don’t clean the house before they get there, you don’t want to add to the resentment. If their stuff gets left out after they leave ask your dh to put it away. If it’s still there the next day throw it out, or hide it for a while.

Ignore the complaining, that is what teens do. Just don’t respond. If they don’t like something it’s too bad.

They need to be considered, but not put first. You are a family, and your needs as a whole are important. Set boundaries and limit the impact they can have on you and your DC.

Let them monopolise DHs time when they are there. Maybe find other things to do with your DC and give them time together.

Make sure you have at least one positive interaction with each of them when they visit.

If you really change your mindset about them from kids that annoy you and create a lot of extra work. To kids that you get to have fun with you might start to like having them there. If you are running around taking them places, or cleaning up after them, or doing washing of course you will resent them. You can’t erase them from his life, but you can erase the negative parts.

Finally, some useful and sensible advice other than labelling the OP as some sort of evil child hater.

Vettrianofan · 21/11/2024 20:19

AmICrazyToEvenBother · 21/11/2024 06:35

Not getting involved with a man with children would've done the job. You're the usurper, not them.

Surely this has to be the most obvious solution. Getting involved with someone that has DC is always going to be complicated...

struggling24 · 22/11/2024 11:05

Thank you for your post OP, yes the resentment is real and it's hard to put your finger on - it's just part of the set up really.

For me I have a really good relationship with both my SC. and DP is a positive role model for my DC.

I have been having counselling for over a year and it hasn't helped- I think I'll need to openly talk about my feelings of resentment and see if she can help me somehow.

For me the resentment is that the older SC lives with us full time and my DC are here only 50/50 with their dad.

Also it's my house that DP and SC moved into, so everything that gets touched or used is mine, rather than 'ours'.

Finally DP works from home while I work full time from an office and have a commute to work.

So he is at home the whole time in my house with his child, while me and my dc feel pushed out of our own house.

He also worked in my bedroom, and when his son came home from school each day he'd lounge on my bed talking to him.

Sorry I don't mean to hijack, I guess I just mean that even if you like SC and you're nice to them you can still feel resentment. What I don't know is what to do about it.

Although I would have thought that since the SC are siblings of your DC that would make it easier? Do the children get on ok? Or is the age gap too large to really interact?

Katbum · 24/11/2024 18:18

Just to say I am in the same spot OP and it’s horrific. Literally her scent triggers me at this point. If I have known how hard this was I would never have married my DH much less have a child with him. I keep hoping things will improve but every time we see her my resentment is ramped up. I feel on the edge of a breakdown.

Lemonmelon1 · 24/11/2024 18:22

Katbum · 24/11/2024 18:18

Just to say I am in the same spot OP and it’s horrific. Literally her scent triggers me at this point. If I have known how hard this was I would never have married my DH much less have a child with him. I keep hoping things will improve but every time we see her my resentment is ramped up. I feel on the edge of a breakdown.

I can relate. My sc went home today. I had such a bad panic attack last night and the anxiety felt heavy on my chest all evening. I even considered getting a hotel last night just to be away from them.
Now they have gone the tension has lifted a bit but every time I think about them coming back over it all starts again.

ParsnipPuree · 24/11/2024 21:43

My sc are all adults now and dh is planning a skiing holiday with them, mine, and all their partners. I am dreading it as I know all the old issues will resurface when we're all under one roof. They haven't changed, still manipulating dh as adults to get whatever it is they want. Gritting my teeth.

sauvignonplonk1 · 28/11/2024 17:41

I get how you're feeling too OP. I've nothing to offer advice wise but I can sympathise.

TheaBrandt · 28/11/2024 17:46

Why on earth get together with a man who already had kids? I would have run a mile on the first date.

IntheArctic · 28/11/2024 17:48

What helped me OP was thinking about things from the SCs' point of view. My DC and I were living with their Dad, seeing him every morning and evening, eating with him, going out places with him and just being around him. That's what the SC would have chosen, to be with their Dad every day. But instead they got to see other, new people doing that instead. I can't imagine how tough that must have been for them, so I tried to put myself in their shoes and think of that when they were around.

Autumn38 · 29/11/2024 23:58

OhMelville · 03/11/2024 08:26

Thanks for the replies. Some good and valid points! Our joint DC are younger and SC are 10 & 11. They stay over 2 nights a week. Disney Dad on some days for sure but certainly not all the time. And the relationship with SM is amicable most of the time. They discuss Christmas and birthdays and make it fair and balanced but there’s no flexibility on her side. So pretty standard I would say. The issue is DH is starting to pick up on my resentment. I read a comment on another thread with someone saying when SC are there they ruin your illusion of the “perfect nuclear family”. And that’s true! That’s how I think. I hate to admit it but it’s true.

But surely it’s their illusion of a perfect nuclear family that has been shattered? And unlike you, they had absolutely no choice in the matter.

You never actually had the perfect nuclear family and you must have known that you never could, when you got involved with a man who had children. If you really didn’t think deeply about how it might all play out then more fool you.

please don’t ruin these children’s childhoods, they don’t deserve to live with your simmering resentment of their existence. Imagine how you’d feel if your own children had a step mother who felt like you and you had to send them off to her knowing that she basically just wished they didn’t exist. Bloody heart breaking.

To be honest me and DH have had some hard times and it has been the absolute terror (for my children) of this very scenario that has stopped me pulling the plug (luckily, really, as we are much better now)

beachcitygirl · 01/12/2024 03:14

You have to imagine how you would feel if you two break up & another new wife feels like this about your babies.
You have to pin that image & the pain it causes into your brain. Seat it there, learn to love those kids & look forward to them coming. Find things you like to do with them. There will be something!
A jigsaw, crafts. Silly movies, etc
Make one day all of you doing something together & then the other day. Half the day he takes your 2 out and you bond with dsc & afternoon he takes dsc leaving you with yours.

It's that or leave & who the hell knows what happens thereafter, and you don't want that anyway.
So unless you want miserable kids, resentful husband, and a crappy time, you Need to get with the programme and make a bloody effort.
It's not easy but you have to do it &
That's that.

Facecream24 · 01/12/2024 07:50

OhMelville · 03/11/2024 08:57

Just that feeling that your own 4 walls, your home, is no longer fully yours for the time they are here. I always try and remind myself that this isn’t their fault and what else can they do? But it’s a complete takeover of your home your life your plans for the time they are here, which is every week that’s so difficult!

It’s their home too.

Livingseparately · 01/12/2024 23:22

Guest100 · 21/11/2024 06:26

Setting boundaries will help. Make sure you have a space that is out of bounds for the Sk like maybe your room. But they need to feel like the remainder of the house is their home.

Don’t get too involved. If they have sport or a party to attend let your DH take them on his own.

Dont let their life admin become your problem. Any tasks relating to them are not yours. No exceptions.

Ignore the mess. Kids make mess. Make sure your DH helps clean up after they leave. Don’t clean the house before they get there, you don’t want to add to the resentment. If their stuff gets left out after they leave ask your dh to put it away. If it’s still there the next day throw it out, or hide it for a while.

Ignore the complaining, that is what teens do. Just don’t respond. If they don’t like something it’s too bad.

They need to be considered, but not put first. You are a family, and your needs as a whole are important. Set boundaries and limit the impact they can have on you and your DC.

Let them monopolise DHs time when they are there. Maybe find other things to do with your DC and give them time together.

Make sure you have at least one positive interaction with each of them when they visit.

If you really change your mindset about them from kids that annoy you and create a lot of extra work. To kids that you get to have fun with you might start to like having them there. If you are running around taking them places, or cleaning up after them, or doing washing of course you will resent them. You can’t erase them from his life, but you can erase the negative parts.

How do you do this? If your SC has become very dependent on you to meet his everyday needs, if they're with you FT/mum isn't in the picture, and dad/DH works long hours to provide for a single-income family?

My SC 13yo asks me numerous times a day to prepare food for him, to study with him, to join me everytime I leave the house or if I have something planned with my family (siblings/parents). My days have end up being planned around his needs. How do I now, after 2 years, put boundaries in place for myself and my own DC 1yo?

Guest100 · 02/12/2024 02:36

Livingseparately · 01/12/2024 23:22

How do you do this? If your SC has become very dependent on you to meet his everyday needs, if they're with you FT/mum isn't in the picture, and dad/DH works long hours to provide for a single-income family?

My SC 13yo asks me numerous times a day to prepare food for him, to study with him, to join me everytime I leave the house or if I have something planned with my family (siblings/parents). My days have end up being planned around his needs. How do I now, after 2 years, put boundaries in place for myself and my own DC 1yo?

Edited
Show quote history

I would gently set boundaries. For example have some snacks and easily prepared food on hand. When he asks for food help him prepare food a couple of times, then remind him he is able to do it. If he lazy and sits on the couch waiting for food to be brought to him I find saying just give me a minute, and just not getting them anything they will eventually just get it themselves.

With study help him for a while then go and do something else for a bit then come back. Slowly make the time you are with him sorter.

If he can stay home just say no to taking him with you. Honestly you need to stop planning the day around him. If he wants to come with you then just do what you need to do. Hopefully he will find it boring and choose to stay home.

tessellated2 · 02/12/2024 02:48

It's been 6 years since I've been in a blended situation. My SS was 11 when we met and we have always had him 24/7.

He absolutely resented me at the start, and while I wouldn't say that I resented him, we did not have an easy relationship. It has been very difficult.

What has helped me is thinking about whether I'm treating him the same way I treat my own. If it wouldn't bother me if one of my own kids acts a particular way, then I can't allow it to bother me when my SS does it.

My SS is almost 18 now and we had a beautiful chat the other day about how difficult it's been and how much we love and appreciate each other now.

It can get better as they get older. Obviously it's not a normal situation to share your house with children unrelated to you, which is difficult, but it isn't normal or comfortable for the kids either.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 02/12/2024 03:18

What about their 'own four walls'
what about their 'safe space'

Some of these posts from step parents blow me away. All about me me me when these kids have every right to have an actual home with their father. You moved into their lives willingly then think you have the right to resent them and make them feel unwelcome and miserable (and yes they will feel that because they're not stupid). Talking about them like they are intruders and inconveniences.

I am also a step mum before anyone tells me I don't get it, doesn't matter what I feel, I chose a man with kids and therefore I make them feel loved and welcome in their home, given that I chose to live in it.

What child wouldn't want their home to be a safe space where they feel nothing but unconditional love, they have lost that privilege through no fault of their own. Only the adults in these scenarios have choices.

Livingseparately · 02/12/2024 16:07

Guest100 · 02/12/2024 02:36

I would gently set boundaries. For example have some snacks and easily prepared food on hand. When he asks for food help him prepare food a couple of times, then remind him he is able to do it. If he lazy and sits on the couch waiting for food to be brought to him I find saying just give me a minute, and just not getting them anything they will eventually just get it themselves.

With study help him for a while then go and do something else for a bit then come back. Slowly make the time you are with him sorter.

If he can stay home just say no to taking him with you. Honestly you need to stop planning the day around him. If he wants to come with you then just do what you need to do. Hopefully he will find it boring and choose to stay home.

Show quote history

Many thanks for this, but is this fair on the child? I sometimes feel guilty that I don't meet his needs, there is no one else that will. One time I was wracked with guilt when I lied to him about not being home. He was with his mum who had decided she would drop him back home a few days early. My DH was away I had made plans with family and friends so lied to him that I was away also. He responded by asking me "so who will look after me". He ended up staying at his mum's house alone for 2 days with unrestricted access to his phone, iPad, and the TV (a maternal relative stayed the night with him). I still feel guilty thinking about it.

But on the other hand I'm really struggling to cope. I have no where in the home in which I can seek refuge, and being pregnant with a 1yo, it isn't easy for me to stay outside the home for long periods of time. Unless he is out, I can't eatch TV, or sit in the living room without him asking me for food or something else. I just want a little peace and a little space. I didn't realise it would be this hard.

Guest100 · 02/12/2024 21:37

Livingseparately · 02/12/2024 16:07

Many thanks for this, but is this fair on the child? I sometimes feel guilty that I don't meet his needs, there is no one else that will. One time I was wracked with guilt when I lied to him about not being home. He was with his mum who had decided she would drop him back home a few days early. My DH was away I had made plans with family and friends so lied to him that I was away also. He responded by asking me "so who will look after me". He ended up staying at his mum's house alone for 2 days with unrestricted access to his phone, iPad, and the TV (a maternal relative stayed the night with him). I still feel guilty thinking about it.

But on the other hand I'm really struggling to cope. I have no where in the home in which I can seek refuge, and being pregnant with a 1yo, it isn't easy for me to stay outside the home for long periods of time. Unless he is out, I can't eatch TV, or sit in the living room without him asking me for food or something else. I just want a little peace and a little space. I didn't realise it would be this hard.

Show quote history

Don’t feel guilty. You are a person too. I wouldn’t just change overnight and completely pull the rug out from under him. But slowly edge him closer to being a bit more independent.

If you really need a break maybe give him an early bed time. He can read and you can have a breather.

But he really should be able to get himself a snack at 13. He will eventually get used to not being so dependent on you.

Unicorntearsofgin · 02/12/2024 21:59

I think it’s really important to think of how you would feel if your children were in this situation. I think some
step parents can fall into a trap of seeing the child that lives with their father full time as their main child but it’s not true (unless they are crap fathers.) They are equal in importance to shared DCs in their father’s eyes and should be welcomed as their second home. That doesn’t mean becoming a maid but relationships take time and effort to build and a relationship with a stepchild will need effort.

If that is unpalatable then don’t date someone with children.

stayathomer · 02/12/2024 22:47

The replies on this thread are ridiculous given you know you’re being unreasonable and are trying to get help to not think like that! Hope things get easier for all of you op x