Extortion

[ParsnipPuree]

Dh's adult dd cut him off for almost three years with no explanation and asked for thousands before agreeing to meet him. She has never been able to explain what he did wrong, and refused to talk about it.

Fast forward three years and their relationship is back on track but she has now admitted that her stepdad manipulated her, allowing her to keep only a third of the money dh gave her at the time and kept two thirds for himself, thereby profiting from dh's distress over not seeing his dd.

I'm disgusted with him but wondering if I should be equally disgusted with his dd or should I give her the benefit of the doubt and believe she was manipulated? She was 20 at the time and says she can't explain why she cut him off in the first place.

Well he is a despicable person.

I would be absolutely furious with him.

No. She was 20 when they met again and he sent her the money.

Yes you can. You can also still be abused , coerced and manipulated, especially by someone you live with. One does not exclude the other.

20 is still very young. Read up a bit about brain development. It sounds very like she was being coerced and is asking for support and understanding. It’s her SD you should despise. Not her. I feel sorry for her - she must have felt stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Also read up about coercive control.

Was it much money op?

But 17 when she stopped speaking to him?

OP, I don’t entirely understand why you are more annoyed with SD knowing she gave 2/3 to her stepdad than you were when you thought she asked for £3k (or whatever) just for herself?

Was the money supposedly for something specific eg health related, a training course etc that you felt was a good use of it, and now that’s turned out not to be true?

But she isn't my daughter? I don't know anything of the sort. For all I know, she planned it with step dad. I really don't know, but want to give her the benefit of doubt for dh's sake. Before cutting him off, she litterally used dh as a cashpoint, asking for cash gifts and jewellery to the point where dh's x (her mum) told dh to stop as she didn't want a brat on her hands.

Your brain isn't filly developed until you are about 25.

You have a very good point!! It's just that it's bad enough her extorting money from her dad, but someone who isn't even related to him?!
Yes the money was to be used for something specific.. only she "changed her mind and just spent it"

Your brain may not be fully developed but it's certainly developed enough to be responsible for these choices, unless coercion was involved.

OP I would give the benefit of the doubt because she is your partner's daughter but I would be having really strong words with him about not buying her love or favour any more - if they are to have a real relationship it needs to not involve him handing over money or large gifts outside of bday/christmas.

Thank you, I'm listening to you. The only bit that doesn't fit with that is her asking for ridiculous amounts of cash and gifts before cutting him off. It wasn't a one off.

Try saying that on a thread where the OP finds out that the OW is 19

Dh supports all our adult children financially.. they just couldn't manage otherwise but 100% agree about being able to say no to ridiculous demands.. he's always been too soft with them.

20 is certainly not a child, not sure why you would say that but they are a grown man or woman and certainly capable of making their own choices and facing the consequences!

I feel like the person who has been manipulated the most here is the ops husband, who I assume is a good deal older than 17. He is the one left out of pocket and is surely the victim here.

That's not to say that the step daughter wasn't manipulated too but she's not the one out of pocket and surely if she was truly remorseful she'd offer to pay the money back.

What about her mother? Did she know what was going on and if she did, did she try to step in? I don't agree that 20 years old is still a child, but that doesn't mean that she couldn't have been abused/co-erced/manipulated into this? The very fact that she did what she did what (especially giving the money to her stepdad) suggests that there is something very unhealthy going on in that household. For that reason I would give her the benefit of doubt and keep her close. She's told you what happened and provided you with proof - she didn't have to do that - she could have kept it to herself. FWIW it doesn't have to be one or the other, you can feel disgusted/angry with what she did, while still understanding that she might not have had a choice.

PrawnAgain it truely would never occur to her to offer the money back (but to be fair she can't afford it). There is definitely a sense of entitlement, always has been.

We don't know if her mother knew about the money. we never asked her that. I'd gamble that she did though, as her and sd are extremely close. We did know they were short of money at the time.

Didn’t bother to read the thread huh?

Or perhaps you don’t believe in coercive control?

Being a child is nothing whatsoever to do with coercive control. Surely both an adult and a child can be a victim of this. 20 is not a child though.

Thank you for clarifying. I was responding to @NorthernSpirits post but didn’t tag them or quote it.

I still stand by my point though, OP. She was at the very least young and very impressionable. The SD sounds absolutely toxic. I feel sorry for her, I imagine the SD was awful to grow up around.

It’s easier to manipulate and coerce children and young people than it is to non vulnerable adults. Don’t you agree, OP?

Why can’t you support her and your DH in their relationship and see what happens? I think hostility would be harmful for your whole family and possibly counterproductive.

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"It’s easier to manipulate and coerce children and young people than it is to non vulnerable adults. Don’t you agree, OP?

Why can’t you support her and your DH in their relationship and see what happens? I think hostility would be harmful for your whole family and possibly counterproductive"

I agree it's easier to manipulate both vulnerable children and vulnerable adults.. but in this case she was a non vulnerable adult of 20, not a child.

Having said that I am choosing to support their relationship because I love dh and family is everything to him.