Extortion

[ParsnipPuree]

Dh's adult dd cut him off for almost three years with no explanation and asked for thousands before agreeing to meet him. She has never been able to explain what he did wrong, and refused to talk about it.

Fast forward three years and their relationship is back on track but she has now admitted that her stepdad manipulated her, allowing her to keep only a third of the money dh gave her at the time and kept two thirds for himself, thereby profiting from dh's distress over not seeing his dd.

I'm disgusted with him but wondering if I should be equally disgusted with his dd or should I give her the benefit of the doubt and believe she was manipulated? She was 20 at the time and says she can't explain why she cut him off in the first place.

20 is still a child, 17 definitely so.
Its never a good look blaming a victim.

would go with the benefit of doubt, whilst being observant of how the situation progresses.

But you will never know the full story.

Is the step dad still with her mum?

I wasn't asking for a good look, I was asking the question if it sounds like manipulation. I've never heard age 20 as being considered a child.

Step dad still with her mum yes.

If your DH is trying to get a relationship back on track with his dd, then no you shouldn’t be disgusted with her. It doesn’t sound like she deserves it, but either way your job is to support your DH because that’s what a loving person does.

Be sympathetic but if you have other kids make it clear to your DH that the amount DSD received needs to be taken into consideration in any wills / inheritances for the other kids ie she needs to get less and the will must make clear why. 20 is more than old enough to know better in this situation.

When you say it doesn't sound like she deserves it, why is that? If my adult dd cut me off for years then extorted money from me for her step mum from me before she'd even see me than yes, I'd be disgusted with that behaviour.

I am supporting my dh's relationship with her but posted here for a wider opinion.

I’m not sure why he gave her the money in the first place. Fuck about find out. Shouldn’t try to buy love. Her dad has missed the boat to teach her a vital lesson. Tbh I’d be raging at him not her. She asked he didn’t need to give and as a result I’d stay the hell out of it. I’d have nothing to do with their relationship and if he paid out of joint money without a conversation I’d be permanently off.

Honestly, this needs more context (which you may not have or may have and not want to share)

Since stepdad ended up with more, sounds like it was his plan. Did he threaten to throw her out unless she did it? Etc.

It isn’t so much about whether she was an adult as about the power balance.

Have you only just found out he gave her thousands?

Only happens a. on this board
b, if they are a stepchild.

If she robbed a bank or fiddled the benefit system ppl would have no trouble seeing her as an adult

Na she’d still be excused because poor sc didn’t ask for her parents to split up and end up with step parents.

How did she extort money?

My advice is don’t get involved - who can be bothered with all this aggravation?!

just ask to look at her bank statement? 🤪

youll know your answer in a nano second

The thing is, you don't know what went on in that house. 20 might be an adult , but that doesn't mean she can't be abused/coerced/threatened/manipulated into both cutting contact AND asking for that money. If she was dependent on her SD for safety, housing etc. then she was vulnerable whether you like it or not.

Best you can do is let your DH rebuild his relationship with her and hopefully he will get to the bottom of it.

Oh ffs 20 is not a child!

The stepdad is an arse, how did the money go to him anyway and why did your husband even pay it!

I’m going against the grain here….

She was 20 years old at the time of cutting her dad off and can’t (or won’t explain why). She was an adult.

At 18 in the the UK - you are an adult:

• You are the age of majority
• You can vote
• You can get married
• You can stand as an MP

Only on MN are 20 YO SC considered children and not responsible for their actions.

My own SD did something terrible at 15 and cut her dad off. SS got involved (as the police were involved). SS told her dad that at 15 she was old enough to know what she had done.

Twenty is a child? What?

In terms of parental influence, 20 is still really young. Depending on family dynamics of course. Teenagers and young adults can be easily coerced by the adults in their lives, sadly.

I encouraged him to give her the money as it was killing him and making him ill.

No I always knew, but just found out she gave two thirds of it to stepdad

SD was 17, 20 when they met again and money exchanged.

18 years olds can do all those things listed above, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be coerced and manipulated. They frequently are.

Oh my!

Did anyone read the OP? Just me then.
The step-father must be a manipulative abuser who has been abusing this child for years. Unless you think this sort of financial abuse is the only thing he’s ever done wrong?
He’s separated this child from a loving parent who could defend her, and then used her for financial gain. Likely the tip of the iceberg.

Many grown women would struggle to stand their ground against such an individual, let alone a child of 17.

So a 20yr old recovering from narcissistic parenting is still a child.

If she was your daughter - it wouldn't be a question, you would know that she was a vulnerable young woman (17?) and was manipulated.

She extorted money by only agreeing to see and have a relationship with her dad after the money was transferred. We've now seen proof she gave step dad the money.