Is this unusual?

[AggyPanthusRita]

My ex-husband and I split up nearly 4 years ago. We have 3 teenage children together. (Eldest is 15). Since splitting he has met a lady, they had a baby together last year and moved in together. (She was not OW although they had only been together about a year when their baby was born.) I have not been allowed to meet this lady despite asking. We have our children 50/50 and do not have a great co parenting relationship - all for background.

My question to other step-parents or people whose children have step parents is this- my ex’s GF never spends any time with my children. At the very beginning they did a few things together - days out and a short holiday. But since just before the baby was born they do nothing at all. She is usually out when my children are at their dads, she will go away for the whole weekend if they are there or is out for the majority of the day.

They are told they can’t play with their baby brother (excuses given like he’s too tired, he’s just eaten, he needs his bath in a minute etc). They tell me they have now stopped asking. They do nothing as a 6 despite living in same house half the time. I think it does upset the children who all like little ones and play nicely with younger children. They have also noticed that the GF is rarely around when they are and think she is not keen on them.

I don’t believe the GF should look after my children and pick up the slack for their dad all the time at all but it seems odd that she is so separate from them and is making no attempt to bond, I’d go as far as saying avoiding them. Just curious if this is quite unusual.

I don’t think that is usual and feel sorry for your kids.

What does ex-husband say about it?

I can’t talk to him about it really. We really struggle to communicate. We have a court order for time split and change over happens to and from school so we rarely see each other. When we do have to communicate about things it tends to be very argumentative and he will either ignore messages or refuse to discuss/doesn’t want to do anything I suggest because I suggested it. No matter how I word it he would see it as criticism and me being jealous of his girlfriend (which I very much am not, I initiated the split and have not regretted it for a second. We had a fairly unhappy relationship for 10 years).

I can’t see his relationship with her lasting long term. Is she a lot younger? It sounds like he is doing the right thing by having his children 50/50 but it must make him miserable too that they aren’t doing things as a family. He must feel torn. Is he a good father in general? It is a shame for your children that she is not letting them bond with the baby.

No she is same age as me or thereabouts. My concern is the relationship will break down which is more upheaval for my kids but also I’m not sure they are very happy with the situation either. He tells them not to tell me things and there was history of him trying child alienation when we first broke up though that is fixed now. It can be hard to get the full story from them sometimes.
I have some concerns about his parenting and feel he went for 50/50 more out of spite/to not pay maintenance and now probably regrets that decision. He never enjoyed parenting the 3 kids by himself and when we first broke up he moved in with his parents so he had support there. He went from their house to the house with his girlfriend so not had huge experience of handling the 3 on his own. But he does have some good qualities.

I think there isn’t much you can do but try and be there for your children if it does go pear shaped. As they get older they may choose not to spend so much time with him.

I don't think it's usual no, but it sounds almost identical to the situation with my ex. His GF had their baby 12 months after meeting her and she too went from showing a tiny bit of interest in our kids, to being nasty to them. She didn't let them meet the baby for 2 weeks and then after that she wouldnt let them visit their dad for 6 weeks as she was worried they make the baby sick (they weren't ill btw but she said ad they went to school they were a risk). She was also never there when my two visited (he only has them EOW and one eve a week).
Long story short, they have split up 4 times in the past 18 months and she officially moved out last year. This made things better tbh as my two could at least bond with the baby, although our youngest had ended up being a bit of a mother to him which isn't great. But... she's moving back in now so God knows what will happen. He's reduced contact on holidays and is pushing to reduce contact on weekends too. He has actually outright told me it's because his GF doesn't like our kids being there.
Sorry, not much advice accept to say just be there for your kids and be the stable one! It's unfair as its a huge amount of pressure - I feel like I have no wiggle room for error but my kids are doing great (their relationship eith their dad has been impacted though).

@Stressymadre this is similar to what I’m expecting to unfold to be honest. The Gf is very precious first baby about her child (fair enough) but a bit overprotective I think. And I can see it impacting on their relationship with their dad and as you say it will be down to me to pick up slack and be the stable one!

She's going to pay for this when her precious baby grows up in to a pissed off teen that was denied a relationship with their siblings. It's all a bit odd.

Nothing you can do, but if your children aren't happy, you might have to look at the contact schedule. How old are they?

@lunar1 15,13 and 11. The contact schedule will be hard to change as it was part of a custody battle. Long story but the kids were manipulated by him and I didn’t have the money to fight the 50/50 plus that was what they said they wanted. I think as time goes on they will want to be here more, already seeing it a little bit.

They are told they can’t play with their baby brother (excuses given like he’s too tired, he’s just eaten, he needs his bath in a minute etc). They tell me they have now stopped asking. They do nothing as a 6 despite living in same house half the time. I think it does upset the children who all like little ones and play nicely with younger children. They have also noticed that the GF is rarely around when they are and think she is not keen on them.

To be fair, you're only hearing one side of the story, and I know from my own teenage DC things are often exaggerated.

Perhaps she's just an over-protective first-time mum. I know I didn't want people riling up my baby when he was tired etc and I think that's fair enough. She should be able to decide how to care for her baby without judgement. It's a bit ridiculous for anyone to say they are being denied a relationship with their sibling just because she might have some rules.

Also, as a step mum, we don't all do much together. We all have busy lives and at the end of the day, my step children come to see their dad, not me. I often go out and do my own thing, while my DH takes his kids to activities, swimming, or whatever else they want to do. We will also sometimes go on separate holidays. I see no need for everyone to do everything together, and it's important that my DH is able to have that time with his kids.

Give her a break. I also see nothing in the posts to say that their relationship will break down.

@Hoplolly thank you for alternative view and you are right it is just one side of the story. Do you do anything with your step kids at all? Any days out or anything? Because I know it is true that she hasn’t gone anywhere or done anything with them for around 12 months which I find a bit odd.

I used to go out a lot when DSC were with us. To me, it made sense for me to see friends etc, when they were there as they were they to see DH. It also ensured DH remained responsible for parenting and caring for them, as it would slide towards me otherwise.

Sounds like either:

She's a mumsnetter following the 'Nacho' advice 😂

She doesn't like having the step kids around the baby for whatever reason

She doesn't like how your ex parents the kids so removed herself so she doesn't get upset.

If you read the step parenting board many of the threads posted from the SMs perspective may explain why she is behaving how she is.

If your ex is happy with the situation very little is likely to change.

No, not really. Can't remember the last time I went out for the day with them. As a PP has said, we parent differently, and I prefer not to get involved in that. Also, I work full-time, and I'd quite like to spend my weekends doing my own stuff, and that way, everyone will be happy.

Please remember that she has had a small baby in the past 12 months. It's probably far easier for your ex to entertain your DC with age-appropriate activities, and it's better for your DC to have that undivided time.

I'm not sure why this is such a focus, I would think it was a positive that your DC get time with their dad on their own.

It's one of those situations where step-mothers can never win. They're either too involved or not involved enough.

I'm not sure why this is such a focus, I would think it was a positive that your DC get time with their dad on their own.

This is a good point; there’s many other threads where DSC complain they never get to see their DF without the new partner/new baby. There’s no rule book for any of this, and everyone has an option on stepparents, but it’s often a no-win situation as PP has said

If you flip it, she’s not interfering with their relationship with this their dad, they’re not getting less of him because he’s had another child, they’re not being asked to step in and do any care for the baby.

Those are all common complaints from exes and step children.

I’m another one who goes out a lot when my step kids are here. I used to try to do days out or activities but it was really obvious that it wasn’t what they (the step-kids) wanted. They were there to see dad and I was just getting in the way/ odd one out. I got that - they didn’t choose for me to be in their lives. They weren’t ‘bad’ they were just working through emotions. That plus the mum-loyalty bond - made me feel uncomfortable and ‘watched’. When I had my baby, I was hyper-sensitive to comments made (by all sorts of people) that the step-kids will feel pushed out and they had to be given special time with dad without the baby. They didn’t get to see dad as often so when they were there is should be their time. That it wasn’t fair to expect older step-kids to hang out with baby, dad should take them out for an activity they would enjoy, the day can’t revolve around naps, they didn’t ask for a baby etc. There is pressure from all sides and then the kids kind of started expecting the time to be their time - which becomes a difficult pattern to change as the expectations have been set up. I also didn’t feel like I could say to the step-kids please don’t do x when it came to the baby (because it was THEIR sibling, not just my child and I knew whatever I said to them would be reported back to mum - perhaps not accurately or in context). I remember it being a really difficult time.
I understand you are being a protective mum looking out for your kids best interests. But, I think she deserves some grace here. Navigating this and being a first time mum (who is left with the baby on her own 50% of the time), no sleep etc… it’s a lot.

She may not want to interfere with your ex’s time his children. Also, if it’s her first child, then maybe she’s just being a cautious first time mum.Also, she may not want to fall into the trap of becoming the parent for them, when ex is around.

Tbh I always think it's easier for mum and SM to meet if everyone is happy.

Trying to navigate boundaries and what to do from a dad's perspective of his kids is a nightmare. Then the Chinese whispers and getting snippets of expectations or issues 3rd 4th and 5th hand is what causes so much extra stress.

If it's genuine in blended families about it being about the kids being able to communicate their needs would sort so much out. And if it's amicable you know when they're pulling your leg and what areas you need to tweak.

I know that's fairytale world though 😂

It could be a whole host of reasons OP. I had postnatal anxiety as a ftm, I saw everything as a life and death threat. Even my DH walking down the stairs with my newborn, I would envision him stumbling, falling. I went batty. It didn't calm down till a year.

It is good they are getting 1:1 time, but to never link up. Even a dinner together could be a good routine. But there isn't anything you can do about it except watch it unfold and see if they grow to a new dynamic. I would try not to think the worst, you don't know what yarn your ex has spun.

There are a tonne of threads on the step-parenting board where stepmums are advised to step back because they are not listened to or considered by their OH when it comes to parenting the stepkids. The dad is happy for SM to do all the cooking and cleaning etc but heaven forbid they comment on his parenting (or usually lack of). The kids have no routine and no boundaries at dads and are basically allowed to get away with anything. SM has tried to instill some rules or asked the kids to pick up after themselves only to be accused by her partner of hating his kids.

Is he a good dad? Is there a chance that he's a bit of a crap dad and she's tried to give her opinions or help him only for it to be thrown back in her face?

Do you think she’s going out to avoid being stuck looking after all the children? You said he doesn’t particularly like parenting, so I can imagine he would happily let her do it if he’s got 50%. Maybe it’s her way of forcing him to parent.

Yes I do appreciate it’s a no win situation for SMs because they get grief for being too involved/over bearing and grief for not being involved at all. I think when the kids are with him it is quite chaotic so she is probably avoiding the drama to be honest. I just found it a bit odd that they live such separate lives (my kids aren’t allowed in living room they have separate play room and things). Very rarely eat together. Don't watch tv together etc.

I’ve never involved myself with my partners children, even when we had our own. He’d take them out for the day or away for a few days. We holiday twice a year (that I pay for) with my daughter and our son. If he had wanted to go on holiday with his other child (he’s like 18 now so not an issue) he could book, organise and pay for them two to go. It never happened. Christmas and birthdays he pops to meet them somewhere for half hour to give money etc. they already did the blended family thing with his wife prior to me and I felt playing happy families again would cause more issues…. They even now attend family parties of his exes even though there are no children etc from that marriage. I don’t attend any family events/meal/visit at Xmas etc for this reason. I had no intention of ever being a step parent.. and I made that clear from day 1. However I make positive steps to ensure my partner steps up regardless of this. Dads seeing their children without the new partner or child can only be a good thing for the child. I didn’t want to rub it in to those kids that their dad, who admits to being a crap partner and father and quite absent during their early years has totally changed his ways with me and our son. Would have caused massive resentment issues. Hard work to navigate and no two situations are the same.

SM probably feels like she has no space of her own in her home when the kids are there. Kids TV always on, kids leaving their shit all over the livingroom. She's probably asked dad to speak to them about picking stuff up etc, or to intervene when they're arguing over what to watch, and only to have dad refuse to step in. So she's made the rule that they're no longer allowed on the livingroom. It can be difficult feeling like your home isn't your own, that your safe space is overtaken by kids that you're not allowed a say in how they're raised or how they behave. You've admitted yourself that it's quite chaotic at their dads. Poor woman has probably tried her best but ultimately if dad isn't willing to parent properly and put proper rules on place it's a losing battle.

Maybe she used to cook for the kids only to have her food criticised or been expected to make 3 different dinners, so now she sorts herself and leaves dad to it.

I'm with you that it seems a bit odd to be with someone and have a child with someone who's parenting style doesn't match up with yours. Given they had a baby so soon into their relationship, maybe she didn't realise how bad things were or maybe the baby wasn't actually planned. And now she's left with a baby that she probably gets very little help with, a partner who doesn't listen to her and 50% of the time her home is chaotic because her OH is a crap parent.

I think you need to take the focus off the SM. Ultimately she has no responsibility to your children. In an ideal world of course blended families would be one big happy family who doesn't everything together but that's not reality. You lived with your ex long enough and have experience of his parenting. You split up with him for a reason. This woman is probably becoming very aware of why you split. Ultimately it's your ex's responsibility to ensure his kids are happy and well looked after.

Why isn’t your ex facilitating a relationship between his children. You are putting the blame solely on his partner when surely he is at fault too.