Is this unusual?

[AggyPanthusRita]

My ex-husband and I split up nearly 4 years ago. We have 3 teenage children together. (Eldest is 15). Since splitting he has met a lady, they had a baby together last year and moved in together. (She was not OW although they had only been together about a year when their baby was born.) I have not been allowed to meet this lady despite asking. We have our children 50/50 and do not have a great co parenting relationship - all for background.

My question to other step-parents or people whose children have step parents is this- my ex’s GF never spends any time with my children. At the very beginning they did a few things together - days out and a short holiday. But since just before the baby was born they do nothing at all. She is usually out when my children are at their dads, she will go away for the whole weekend if they are there or is out for the majority of the day.

They are told they can’t play with their baby brother (excuses given like he’s too tired, he’s just eaten, he needs his bath in a minute etc). They tell me they have now stopped asking. They do nothing as a 6 despite living in same house half the time. I think it does upset the children who all like little ones and play nicely with younger children. They have also noticed that the GF is rarely around when they are and think she is not keen on them.

I don’t believe the GF should look after my children and pick up the slack for their dad all the time at all but it seems odd that she is so separate from them and is making no attempt to bond, I’d go as far as saying avoiding them. Just curious if this is quite unusual.

Not being allowed in the living room of what is supposed to be your home 50% of the time is abusive. I wouldn't be sending my kids there to be treated like that, no way.

The OP has no idea that is the truth. She's hearing it second-hand from her kids. It's probably nothing of the sort. We might tell our DC they need to go upstairs to watch whatever it is they want to watch because we're watching something that's not appropriate for them. It's not that they're not allowed, but it's also okay to not spend every waking moment together.

Who is to say her kids aren't rude and surly with the SM as is quite often the case. They're certainly not going to tell OP that side of the story. Maybe they are extremely difficult to be around or needy.

There's always two sides to every story and situation.

Their set up isn’t the norm but it’s their set up. You have no right to want to have any control or say over it and no you don’t have the right to meet her.

You just need to focus on your life with your children when they’re at your house. They’re old enough to tell you if they’re not happy at theirs dads and that they want to spend more time at yours.

Hey OP,

I'm sorry EW didn't want to meet you. Of course you have no 'right' to meet her but most Mothers would want to meet someone else who their child was spending 50% of their time with so assuming there's no back story I think it's a shame the Stepmum didn't feel able to do this.

As for her going out all the time.... I'd hazard a guess that she has found herself doing 99% of the drudgery parenting/homemaking jobs for all 4 kids (probably her partner too!) and has become increasingly exhausted. She has probably had enough of your ExDH getting lovely quality time with his kids while she does everything to facilitate it so she removes herself so he can ACTUALLY parent them. She may have also wanted the children to feel the focus wasn't taken away from them and that they weren't being replaced. It's also possible the children can have made her uncomfortable... I know we all love our own teenagers but perhaps to her they weren't as wonderful.

None of this is a reason for her to completely ignore them but there could be a multitude of very understandable reasons why she gors out a lot (and it's likely she doesn't completely ignore them, that's just the version your kids tell you!). Have your children told her they'd like to do something with her? Have you told your Ex they like her and want to spend some time with her? She may also have PND and having a 50/50 home can be really challenging for new Mums trying to find a routine.

I'm sorry your children are feeling like this but I would imagine it's not SM who's a villain. It's more likely your Ex isn't being a proper father to his Kids and she's just practising a little self care and protecting her peace and that of her baby.

I hope your children can find a way to bond with their new sibling x

I totally agree with this, and your previous post.

Thanks to everyone for the responses :). For the people saying it’s up to the SM whether she wants to meet me - of course it is. I think it would be nice if we could all be adults about it and at least say hi/bye at pick ups and drop offs, etc. The kids may have big events in the future - graduations/ weddings etc that they want us both to be at and I would like that for them. Also I do find it odd that my kids live half of their lives in the house of a person I have never met yes.

I do only have one side of the story, and she is not obliged to spend every waking minute with them far from it. I just thought it odd that they do NOTHING at all together and wondered if it was common or not. The majority of replies seem to imply it’s not very common and agree with me that it potentially isn’t very healthy. Sadly all I can do is be there for my kids and hope it all works out and settles down. They’ve lived there less than a year so who knows maybe she will feel more comfortable around them as time goes on.

Hi OP, you may have already done/be doing this, but you being positive about the SM will undoubtedly make them feel more comfortable and help them bond with her... so if you say things like "it's not very nice that she took the baby away", "I can't believe she wouldn't let you hold the baby" etc it will have a more negative effect for them than "It's lovely that SM is giving you some time with just Dad" and "Maybe you could ask SM if there's anything you can do to help her"... Even though you aren't in the house, your role as their Mother is crucial in ensuring they have successful relationships at Dad's house.

You seem kind and caring and hopefully you can help your kids navigate this change. I'm almost 100% sure SM will be doing what she thinks is best for all the kids as well x

Many stepmums have been criticised for going out too much and also not giving the children enough time alone with their Dad.... it's a head spin to constantly be told you're getting it wrong when all you're trying to do is get it right!

I have a young teen. Stepmum had a baby and for a while ( many years ago) things felt a bit weird. With time, as their bio children got older things improved alot. Now it's great.

It's possible she is just struggling or completely zoned in on the baby right now. They're only 1. There could be all sorts going on that you aren't aware of. It feels a shame that the family isn't blended as such right now but it could change positively in time. It might not

You can't really do much apart from just listen to your kid's talk, try stay impartial and they'll vote with their feet eventually if they're struggling with it.