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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Is this unusual?

58 replies

AggyPanthusRita · 30/10/2024 07:38

My ex-husband and I split up nearly 4 years ago. We have 3 teenage children together. (Eldest is 15). Since splitting he has met a lady, they had a baby together last year and moved in together. (She was not OW although they had only been together about a year when their baby was born.) I have not been allowed to meet this lady despite asking. We have our children 50/50 and do not have a great co parenting relationship - all for background.

My question to other step-parents or people whose children have step parents is this- my ex’s GF never spends any time with my children. At the very beginning they did a few things together - days out and a short holiday. But since just before the baby was born they do nothing at all. She is usually out when my children are at their dads, she will go away for the whole weekend if they are there or is out for the majority of the day.

They are told they can’t play with their baby brother (excuses given like he’s too tired, he’s just eaten, he needs his bath in a minute etc). They tell me they have now stopped asking. They do nothing as a 6 despite living in same house half the time. I think it does upset the children who all like little ones and play nicely with younger children. They have also noticed that the GF is rarely around when they are and think she is not keen on them.

I don’t believe the GF should look after my children and pick up the slack for their dad all the time at all but it seems odd that she is so separate from them and is making no attempt to bond, I’d go as far as saying avoiding them. Just curious if this is quite unusual.

OP posts:
Original poster
AggyPanthusRita · 30/10/2024 11:20

@MiriamMay oh no I very much blame the ex not her! I was just stating she’s the one who makes herself scarce not that the onus is on her to blend the family. That was his choice.

OP posts:
SophiaJ8 · 30/10/2024 11:30

Maybe she used to cook for the kids only to have her food criticised or been expected to make 3 different dinners, so now she sorts herself and leaves dad to it.

I remember this. I also opted out.

socks1107 · 30/10/2024 11:56

I used to make myself scarce when my sd came. She wasn't too pleasant to be around and I enjoyed my weekends without blending a situation that wasn't working. Gave my dh time with her too

Hoplolly · 30/10/2024 12:34

SM probably feels she has no space of her own in her home when the kids are there. Kids TV always on, kids leaving their shit all over the livingroom. She's probably asked dad to speak to them about picking stuff up etc, or to intervene when they're arguing over what to watch, and only to have dad refuse to step in. So she's made the rule that they're no longer allowed on the livingroom.

Definitely experienced that. Also watching TV together is impossible. I don't want to watch what a 10 year old wants to watch and vice versa.

Swanbeauty · 30/10/2024 12:45

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request.

Illpickthatup · 30/10/2024 13:03

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at OP's request.

That only works if the parent makes the effort to build a happy family too. So many SMs are up against it because their partner refuses to parent, has no rules for his children and isn't interested in making changes or listening to her views. You can't expect someone to put in 100% effort when their feelings are constantly disregarded and they're made to feel like an outsider.

Granted, in many cases the right thing to do would be to walk away from the relationship.

DearestGentleReader · 30/10/2024 13:47

He never enjoyed parenting the 3 kids by himself and when we first broke up he moved in with his parents so he had support there. He went from their house to the house with his girlfriend so not had huge experience of handling the 3 on his own. But he does have some good qualities
This is potentially a huge clue. If he hasn't changed of his own accord and has tried to offload the work onto SM, that would be a very good explanation for why she's taken herself out of the equation - to force him to parent them.

GiraffeTree · 30/10/2024 14:00

It's not ideal, but it's better than someone who is unpleasant to them. Perhaps she feels (for some of the reasons already given) that it works better for everyone if she just removes herself.

StormingNorman · 30/10/2024 14:04

Theres a lot of praise on MN for step parents who ‘remove themselves from difficult situations’. Personally I think going out of your way to avoid family is plain rude and insulting.

But that’s the crux of it really, most step families aren’t families. They’re Venn diagrams with a bloke in middle and two unconnected families either side.

sprigatito · 30/10/2024 14:06

I wouldn't be fussed about her interacting with them, that's up to her, but their father should be insisting that they are allowed to build a relationship with their younger sibling.

Illpickthatup · 30/10/2024 14:08

StormingNorman · 30/10/2024 14:04

Theres a lot of praise on MN for step parents who ‘remove themselves from difficult situations’. Personally I think going out of your way to avoid family is plain rude and insulting.

But that’s the crux of it really, most step families aren’t families. They’re Venn diagrams with a bloke in middle and two unconnected families either side.

I have to agree. I think of you have to remove yourself from family life because you don't agree with your OHs parenting, don't like their kids, or aren't being considered by your OH then you clearly aren't compatible.

Faz469 · 30/10/2024 14:09

Could it be a child care issue? Me n my partner have an ours baby who's 18 months and we both work shifts. I work my shifts on my partners days off and this coincides with dss being around. But we have no family support so it means I am around for ds when my partner is at work.

We do however get the occasional day off together and make sire we do something as a family of 4 on those days. For instance I had last Sunday off but had worked Saturday night. Sunday afternoon we went to legoland discovery together and let the boys run wild.

I don't stop dss from playing with ds but I was weary at first as he can be unpredictable and I wasn't 100% sure how he would react to having a new sibling at dad's house when he's used to being an only child. That's all water under the bridge now though and I no longer have concerns in that department

PsychoHotSauce · 30/10/2024 14:09

You've said it yourself. He went for 50/50 out of spite/wriggle out of CM but doesn't actually like parenting them. I reckon to some extent the GF is wise to this and is actively removing herself so that childcare for his children doesn't fall to her while he swans off.

Onlyvisiting · 30/10/2024 14:11

AggyPanthusRita · 30/10/2024 07:57

No she is same age as me or thereabouts. My concern is the relationship will break down which is more upheaval for my kids but also I’m not sure they are very happy with the situation either. He tells them not to tell me things and there was history of him trying child alienation when we first broke up though that is fixed now. It can be hard to get the full story from them sometimes.
I have some concerns about his parenting and feel he went for 50/50 more out of spite/to not pay maintenance and now probably regrets that decision. He never enjoyed parenting the 3 kids by himself and when we first broke up he moved in with his parents so he had support there. He went from their house to the house with his girlfriend so not had huge experience of handling the 3 on his own. But he does have some good qualities.

Is it possible he was slopey shouldering the responsibilities of parenting off onto her too much so she's made it so he can't? If he was a bit shit at the day to day stuff before it wouldn't be surprising if he was trying to take the easy way out and shove it onto her. In which case her putting her foot down and leaving him too it seems like a pretty good choice!
Sad they don't do things as a family, but on the other hand it will be harder on your children if they bond with her and then they break-up.

Sanch1 · 30/10/2024 14:13

Not usual in my experience. My husband and I both spend time with all of our children all the time ( 2 mine 1 both ours) and same for my ex-husband, him and his wife spend time with mine and their children altogether. My kids have great relationships with their half siblings and their step sibling.

I feel sad for your kids that they are being denied that.

permanently · 30/10/2024 14:24

My ex husband married a woman (within a year of meeting her) and moved into her home. She makes no effort with our children/actively dislikes them. Your husband is handing your children back to you on a plate! Very sad for the children but your house will always be their safe space/home x

Ubugly · 30/10/2024 14:29

She’s probably going out so she doesn’t have to parents your DC although she sounds odd.

presume court order is until 16 so they after that they can do as they want.

Hoplolly · 30/10/2024 19:36

StormingNorman · 30/10/2024 14:04

Theres a lot of praise on MN for step parents who ‘remove themselves from difficult situations’. Personally I think going out of your way to avoid family is plain rude and insulting.

But that’s the crux of it really, most step families aren’t families. They’re Venn diagrams with a bloke in middle and two unconnected families either side.

I am a step parent and controversially I don't disagree. There are two families, not one family. The reality is if me and my DH divorced, I'd probably never see those kids again. I care for them, but they're not my family. I have no responsibility for them, no say in their upbringing, schooling, healthcare etc. I have no more relationship with them than I do the children of my close friends.

Whatado · 30/10/2024 23:33

I d say she is either knee deep on boards like this or reddit.

Ultimately it's their dads fault for allowing them to be in such unhealthy environment for 50% of their childhood.

Most SP who apply the so called nacho method actually verge so close on emotional abuse it's pretty shocking when you read how that is applied in day to day life that the children have to experience.

Any relationship that is operating at that level is toxic as fck for the children involved, but maintains because bio parents prioritise who is sharing their bed over the emotional and development wellbeing of their children.

As difficult as it is for them being in this weird awkward half way place all you can do is keep communicating with them. Allow th to discuss how they feel, try to give them coping strategies for when they are there and focus as much as possible on your 50% of the time.

SeulementUneFois · 31/10/2024 00:07

@Whatado why do you say that? If she's not even there then how are the kids subject to anything?
And also they're getting their dad all to themselves when they go over, no need to "share" him with GF etc.
Or is it because he's likely not very good at taking care of them that the GF should be around to do it?

sunflowersngunpowdr · 31/10/2024 02:53

StormingNorman · 30/10/2024 14:04

Theres a lot of praise on MN for step parents who ‘remove themselves from difficult situations’. Personally I think going out of your way to avoid family is plain rude and insulting.

But that’s the crux of it really, most step families aren’t families. They’re Venn diagrams with a bloke in middle and two unconnected families either side.

Totally agree with this

sunflowersngunpowdr · 31/10/2024 02:58

SeulementUneFois · 31/10/2024 00:07

@Whatado why do you say that? If she's not even there then how are the kids subject to anything?
And also they're getting their dad all to themselves when they go over, no need to "share" him with GF etc.
Or is it because he's likely not very good at taking care of them that the GF should be around to do it?

Edited

Not being allowed in the living room of what is supposed to be your home 50% of the time is abusive. I wouldn't be sending my kids there to be treated like that, no way.

Whatado · 31/10/2024 05:25

Whatado · 30/10/2024 23:33

I d say she is either knee deep on boards like this or reddit.

Ultimately it's their dads fault for allowing them to be in such unhealthy environment for 50% of their childhood.

Most SP who apply the so called nacho method actually verge so close on emotional abuse it's pretty shocking when you read how that is applied in day to day life that the children have to experience.

Any relationship that is operating at that level is toxic as fck for the children involved, but maintains because bio parents prioritise who is sharing their bed over the emotional and development wellbeing of their children.

As difficult as it is for them being in this weird awkward half way place all you can do is keep communicating with them. Allow th to discuss how they feel, try to give them coping strategies for when they are there and focus as much as possible on your 50% of the time.

Ever read a school bullying policy? Or how about your employers? They now usually include wording around intentional exclusion. Why is that do you think? Because intentional social exclusion is a form of bullying. That creates anxiety and significant uncomfortableness for the person that experiences it.

So in a school setting, or when they grow up and enter employment the OP children would not be expected to have to tolerate it. Yet its perfectly acceptable that they experience it in one their actual homes. Regularly.

To such an extent that they recognise her inability to be around them.

Your right as I said it is 100% bio parents who are to blame for being shit parents who allow their children to live in such uncomfortable home situations. Its also completely their bio parents fault for not taking control and cultivating a relationship with their siblings. But as I said as we see all the time in blended families they tolerate all types of bullshit to stay in relationships no matter how damaging it is to their kids.

SeulementUneFois · 31/10/2024 07:25

@Whatado
Sorry I'm not being facetious here - understand completely what you mean by exclusion in your examples , but surely that's when the person(s) doing the excluding is / are around - and, say, ignoring the excluded person, or not letting them participate in something joint? To make them feel isolated.

At most, not being around could also be it if it means everyone or lots of people not turning up for something. E.g. everyone going to the pub for people's birthday, but when it's the excluded person's birthday noone turns up; or a big group doesn't turn up. (As the underlying aim is to make the excluded person feel isolated.)

Not If it's just one person. In the pub birthday example if it were just one person not turning up that would not be classified as exclusion anywhere. Like in the GF situation here - as it's not making anyone feel isolated, it's just one person removing themselves from the situation.

NorthernSpirit · 31/10/2024 08:16

I think there are a few things going on here…..

You not being ‘allowed’ to meet his new partner. You don’t have any right to meet her - if she doesn’t want to meet you, you need to respect that decision. I’m a SP and have never met the EW (we’ve been together 11 years).

Regarding spending time with your children. Is she stepping back to allow ‘quality time’ with your husband? I remember when my SD was 15 & I stepped back massively and stopped doing things with her / as a family unit as she was so rude to me. Have you considered this could be happening?

Not being allowed to interact with their half brother is wrong? Can the kids talk to their dad about this (if you are unable to)?