Can't stand teen SC

[Bugadugdug]

Aware I'm likely to get burnt alive for this but I'm really struggling with teen DSS at the minute. Have known him since he was 6, he's now 15.

I just cannot stand it when he's here. I hate every second and can't wait for him to leave again. The mess, the smell, how inconsiderate he can be. I know it's probably just teenagers but I just hate it.

He'll piss all over the toilet seat and leave it, which my husband refuses to accept is him (miraculously only happens when he's here though, funny). His room absolutely reeks, he's either at home shouting upstairs on his game console waking other young DC up or is out and never let's you know properly whether he'll be home and needing something for tea so meal times are constantly is he, isn't he? There is just extra mess everywhere, shoes dumped right at the door where he took his feet out of them so you nearly break an ankle every time you step into the porch, bikes or scooters dumped allover the garden, cups left to go mouldy in his room, rubbish piled up in his room.

I fucking hate every part of it. When he's not here it's like I just forget he exists and the house is tidy, no ones being disgusting and weeing allover the toilet etc etc.

My husband is so soft. He will never admit that anything is an issue. The toilet thing for example is absolutely fucking gross imo but will he say anything? No. I'm left to and then I look like the nag.

Any time I say something he'll just roll his eyes (DH I mean) like if DSS can't bring plates /cups out of his room without leaving them to go rank then he shouldn't be eating up there, I don't think that's unfair?

Anyway just needed a rant because he's back here tonight and I don't even want to go home from work.

You have a dh problem. You need strict rules as a household so dss doesn't feel your ganging up on him. Everything he pisses over the toilet make him clean it up, he's old enough. He can also squirrel toilet duck or similar down their when he uses it.
Buy him a sports bottle for his drink and that's the only bottle to go in his room, I'd also only let him have paper plates if he has to eat in his room. Once mastered those start with another area or item.

Your husband is the problem not your DSS.

Yes a lot of the behaviour sounds within the norm of teen behaviour but that doesn’t mean you just accept it- it’s normal for teenage boys to be a bit thoughtless and it’s normal for their parents to pick them up on it. That’s how they emerge at the other end as nice, rounded people. In this case the parent is your husband and he needs to be doing a lot more.

You definitely need to get your dh to talk to him. He needs to parent his son . Especially about the bathroom. And set some ground rules about no eating in the bedroom.
It's good for teens to have some rules . My youngest can't be trusted to bring down a cup let alone anything else so is banned now.
Bottle of water is the only thing they are aloud upstairs.
Gets them into a good routine for when they are adults.
It's a shame as you have known him for a long time and a lot if it can be avoided with just your dh stepping up

Oh fgs the husband isn’t the issue!!

This boy is absolutely typical of a teen - stinky, dirty, lazy, selfish etc

It can be normal to feel like you don’t like them tbh!

And believe me when I say this is all coming your way again with your own children!

Hate on him all you want but you are only wasting your own mental energy

He won’t always be like this - give him a few years

My DSS17 lives with us full time. Teenagers are gross and lazy and need a lot of guidance. Thankfully my DH isn't a wet wipe like yours and actually pulls DSS up on things like this. It can be a constant battle sometimes but we're getting there slowly but surely.

His room is disgusting but we don't go in there. He does get pulled up if the smell starts to seep into the hallway but he's actually been a bit better recently since his GF started staying over. Aside from that we don't care if he wants to live in squalor. He is respectful of the rest of the house. He removes his washing from that bathroom, he's responsible for doing the dishwasher in our house and he puts his shoes away. He's also does all his own washing. So the bedroom can stay how it is as it doesn't affect us directly.

Currently your DH is failing as a parent. He's supposed to be raising a functioning member of society, a young man who considers other and not just himself. Your DH isn't doing any of that.

This boy is absolutely typical of a teen - stinky, dirty, lazy, selfish etc
why do MN trot this out? I've raised 4 teenagers and there's been no pissy toilet seats, stinking filth. Stop excusing poor behaviour and lazy parenting.

My son was rather like this when he was 15. His SMs barely concealed hostility and nasty comments broke his heart and undermined his relationship with his Dad. I will never forgive her for telling him he smelt and that he was disgusting.
He's now a lovely 19 year old who tries his best to see his Dad when he can but the relationship never really recovered.

Best with him please and be as kind as you can. 25 year old boys are surprisingly tender hearted.

Your issue is his dad. Teens need rules!
I didn't allow food or drink other than water upstairs due to the receptacles not coming back down, the teens shared a bathroom (dd and dsd) and they had to clean it. Shoe rack for shoes and whether you are eating needs to be reported by 3pm

Thank you! I raised 3 and yes, their own rooms were messy but they weren’t dicks. We raised them like mini adults. The problem is that it’s easier to baby them when they’re young than to teach them independence. Then they turn into big babies with no initiative or idea about collegiate living.

I have two teenage sons, never a drop of wee on the floor or seat that I've ever seen. They've been raised clean up after themselves.

Both went though a phase where they would have let their rooms go to hell and not look after their personal hygiene, it's parenting that stops this behaviour.

I was allowed to be the unkempt girl at school, my parents didn't care. I want better for my sons. It's a parenting issue, and honestly nothing could turn me off a man more than allowing a child to grow up like this.

It sounds as if he is making himself at home. Which is good, isn't it?

If you don't think it's appropriate for you to comment on things like shoes/mugs etc, then get your DH to pick them up daily (or more frequently if needed).

The pee on the toilet seat thing is a bit gross and I know that lots of people take a really hard line on this, rightly so. The path of least resistance is just to clean it.

I have tried both approaches in my time - tackling the issue head-on with both DP and DSC, and taking the easier route of picking up and tidying to my own standards as I go along. I have found that doing the chores myself and schooling myself not to get huffy about it has been a revelation in terms of household-happiness - everyone in the house has raised their game in terms of what they expect of themselves and gradually they have picked up much more sociable habits.

I just told myself that teen DSC needed 'mumming' as much as a little one might, both in terms of tidying up after them and affection, to feel happy in their own home; I knew that I needed it tidier than they did for me to feel happy in my own home.

I would like to feel wise like Gandhi (being the change I wanted to see in the world) when in reality I know I am just lucky because my DSC is a delight - but I did think hard and make a deliberate choice, which I think has paid off. DSC is early 20s now, back home after uni, still a bit messy with shoes/cups etc but does all of everyone's laundry, makes dinners, emotionally looks after all of us and is happy to be here.

Your children will be like this, I reframed living with my DSD as a part time opportunity to work out how to be a good parent to teenagers. This podcast is helpful https://open.spotify.com/episode/64MIxhQyXxkerSgXBV6Ojy?si=iBatbfVDQJavKpvV7z4XCw and this book is great https://www.amazon.co.uk/Get-Out-My-Life-First/dp/B004XZXPOQ Everyone saying you have a DH problem is right, you need to talk about what kind of parents to teenagers you want to be, but also, and sorry, but you really need to let go of some of this. The loo is grim, the dirty cups etc, also grim. The shoes, the mess, maybe not worth sweating over - especially if it is only a few days a week, pick your battles. Food - we had a cut off time, you missed it, you missed supper and had to have a sandwich/bowl of cereal/pizza from the freezer.

Accidental double post

Any chance you have 2 toilets? Designate yourself 1...dh can mop up piss...
Tbh your anger needs aimed at dh. He need to start parenting.. Imagine his poor spouse if he isn't house trained at all. Is dh such a slob he genuinely can't see the mess?

Stop including him in meals. Make sure there are pizzas, fish fingers, peas, sweetcorn and oven chips in the freezer, and leave him to sort himself out.

The shoes & mess you may need to put up with, as long as it's in his room. If it's anywhere else in the house, pick it up, open his bedroom door & throw it in. Shut the door. When he goes home, send your DH to collect dirty dishes, open the window, clear the floor and strip the bed.

The loo thing though, if you are sure it isn't your DH or one of the younger children, I'd call him back every single time and stand over him while he cleared it up. If he refused I'd bend his ear constantly about how dirty, unhygienic and disgusting he is. I'd check the loo every time he came out to prove it is him.. That one is not open for negotiation.

And I'd explain my plan to your dh beforehand. Make a stand.

I feel sorry for your Step child. No wonder they say the biggest threat for your children always come from step parents. The Cinderella effect.

A couple of posters saying just clean the toilet. The line of least resistance etc. No wonder boys grow up into lazy, disrespectful men.

This, a hundred times over. As a pp says, if need be check back each time, then either dh or dss gets to clean it. Make it personal - ask whether they were expecting you to sit in that? Would they? Ideally, get dh to set up a sitting-down only rule for your household, which will come in handy with your younger DC.

Regarding mealtimes, a cut off for letting you know sounds good. After that, tough shit. And don't sweat the small stuff.

Absolutely.
I have 3 teenagers. They are not filthy and disgusting.
Their bedrooms are messy but not filthy. Their rooms are part of our home and I expect them to be cleaned regularly.
They're helpful around the house when I ask them to do something.
They're normal teens who like to game, be on their phones too much and go out with friends and are generally respectful and polite.
My teen dns are the same and my dcs friends (who's parents I know) are similar.

He needs to clean the loo and if he doesn’t then DH does, not you. Is there a separate loo?

Does he have chores?

DH needs to step up. Teenagers can be challenging and picking your battles is wise. Let some things slip so not always nagging but some things not negotiable.

Teens boys can have an aroma that doesn’t vanish no matter how clean they are.

They’re only lazy, stinky etc if you don’t parent them, which is what the husband is doing here.

Lots of threads on here Op with the a similar problem , the Dad's afraid if they tell their DC off they won't want to come anymore so they say nothing. Remind your DH that 15 is still a child and he needs to be his Dad

Good luck when your own DC hit the teenage years

I'm horrified that so many people think that it's normal for teenagers to piss allover the toilet and scream into games consoles at night. Yes the DH is an issue but the DSS is behaving appallingly. No one would enjoy having someone who behaves like this in their home on a regular basis. The ops reaction to this behaviour is completely normal.

Same here, @OnaBegonia. Neither of my children have smelled bad or pissed everywhere. They are not all like that.

Your husband is a big problem, OP. He doesn't have your back.