Can't stand teen SC

[Bugadugdug]

Aware I'm likely to get burnt alive for this but I'm really struggling with teen DSS at the minute. Have known him since he was 6, he's now 15.

I just cannot stand it when he's here. I hate every second and can't wait for him to leave again. The mess, the smell, how inconsiderate he can be. I know it's probably just teenagers but I just hate it.

He'll piss all over the toilet seat and leave it, which my husband refuses to accept is him (miraculously only happens when he's here though, funny). His room absolutely reeks, he's either at home shouting upstairs on his game console waking other young DC up or is out and never let's you know properly whether he'll be home and needing something for tea so meal times are constantly is he, isn't he? There is just extra mess everywhere, shoes dumped right at the door where he took his feet out of them so you nearly break an ankle every time you step into the porch, bikes or scooters dumped allover the garden, cups left to go mouldy in his room, rubbish piled up in his room.

I fucking hate every part of it. When he's not here it's like I just forget he exists and the house is tidy, no ones being disgusting and weeing allover the toilet etc etc.

My husband is so soft. He will never admit that anything is an issue. The toilet thing for example is absolutely fucking gross imo but will he say anything? No. I'm left to and then I look like the nag.

Any time I say something he'll just roll his eyes (DH I mean) like if DSS can't bring plates /cups out of his room without leaving them to go rank then he shouldn't be eating up there, I don't think that's unfair?

Anyway just needed a rant because he's back here tonight and I don't even want to go home from work.

This
I have raised two boys, now adults. I have never had a prissy seat or floor ever. No food was allowed in bedrooms. We didn't actually say that but we all ate together downstairs and they only went to their bedrooms to sleep. They did have snacks at the TV. They are not saints , did throw clothes and towels on the floor, had unmade beds but they showered every day, sometimes twice and constantly changed their clothes.
Maybe get dh to see it from the angle of every girlfriend will hate this. He needs to save him from that. And just have dinner and stick his on a plate for the microwave. Don't bother making too much effort.
The shouting on the PS is par for the course as they have fun with their friends.

I think it is normal for teenagers to be a bit mardy and thoughtless and yes, sometimes dirty. But if I'm reading things right, it sounds like your DH doesn't even notice so you're left being the "bad guy" who not only is constantly telling him, but also doing all the tidying up behind him. Which, I suspect, probably makes your DSS behave worse because he knows he can get away with it and/or cause tension. So your DH needs to have a gentle word about the wee or needs to make sure that he reminds your DS to bring any dirty plates/glasses from downstairs. DS started leaving the seat up - no meltdown, just a reminder from me, backed up by DH, that he mustn't and he's stopped doing it.

Re meals, same thing - you and your DH need to decide what the rule is about food and then he needs to make sure that is communicated to DSS. So does he have to be home in time or is it okay for him to eat later? Does he have to eat what's prepared or if he's not home, can he eat somethign else? Agree, and let DSS know.

MIne don't piss on the floor. But I have started dreading having friends of DS' over. There's always ONE who seems to leave the toilet in a mess. Some children seem to have been taught this lesson from day 1 and its entrenched, others not so much.

Totally agree. OP’s issue (I feel from the post) is that the child exists full stop. I’m not judging as step kids can be a slog, but you have to find a way because it will make your life so much easier in the future. My stepson is 20 now but I adored the chaos and grunge he brought to the house. He’s still a grotter now 🤣. But a cool one.

exactly and if you train them young they dont get like that either.

Well this is just ridiculous.
I have higher standards for my 5 year old than this poor kids father has for him. And I don't consider myself by any means particularly strict.

In my experience having a teen is an exercise in constant nagging, pick that up, put that away, clean your room, take a shower, keep the noise down. It's socialisation. I guess some kids get the message earlier than others. It's hard work, and if it's not your own child for whom you have that underlying love, I can imagine it is very hard.

My 4yo knows to wipe the seat if he gets wee on it and he's also been taught to sit down at home.

How disgusting at 15- I'd wipe the wee up and put the wipes on his bed- he thinks everyone else in the house wants to sit in his wee so I'd guess he likes that too!

Teenagers can be thoughtless yes but depends on their attitude to being asked to do their share. If he makes a abig deal about getting and cleaning the crockery on his room then serve his dinner on them- natural consequences to no clean ones.

Only make dinner for him when he says he'll be in for it otherwise he'll have to sort himself out. Internet off if he's screaming at a PlayStation.

Can't stand these teen boys allowed to be little shits at home- they go one ot be awful men inflicted on society. You need to make him realise he is an active member of the household not king of the universe. You're not his servant.

He's 15 practically an adult!

Have to say if my dh rolled his eyes at me I’d down tools. He doesn’t think it’s an issue so he can deal with it.

If you have more than one loo just use that one and ask your kids to do the same. Tell dh and dss they can use the other loo.
Put all dsc stuff in his room and close the door… when he leaves tell dh to go clean the room/loo.

For food I’d text and ask him if he wants food… and only include if he responds… get some pizza/beans/noodles and let him (or dh ) sort it out.

dss is being a typical teenager and dh is being a typical Disney dad who is pushing the actual parenting onto you…

That is a male teenager OP - learn to manage this one with the help of DH and it will be easier when your own kids are teens !

I see you've had the usual replies about having a DH problem etc. Can people really not come out with anything other than trite responses.

I'm afraid I'm probably not going to be much help either.

Having parented/currently parenting teens, much of the behaviour you are experiencing is par for the course and certainly nothing to blow your top over.

I work with troubled teens (in law enforcement) and believe me, you are experiencing NOTHING in what is the spectrum of troubled teen behaviour. I'm not telling you to be grateful but..

You have a few options:

You could always leave and be a single parent to your cutesy toddlers and then when they get to be teens, you better hope they don't give you a hard time and your words don't bite you on the bum.

You could force your DH not to see his dc and ban the boy from your home but of course that would make you a cunt.

Or best of all you could let it wash over you as not really important in the overall scheme of things. Bite your tongue, smile and nod and silently swear under your breath along with the rest us who parent teens. They do emerge eventually as decent human beings.

You don't hate your step son - you hate the mess and inconvenience.

Be careful with the words you use. You won't hate your own children when they are teenagers and they WILL test you, just the same.

Take a breath. When your step son comes over have a conversation about your expectations. Look him in the eye and ask him not to leave wee on the seat. Do it together with your DH.

Someone said parenting teens involves a lot of nagging. It does. You remind them every day to move their shoes, pick their coats up, throw bleach down the toilet etc etc etc. Some days are better than others.

But don't say you hate the boy - because you're on a slippery slope there.

I don’t understand those who think this isn’t a DH problem and indirectly the boys mothers problem. He has been left to do what he wants when he wants which has left him to be an inconsiderate little so and so. Yes of course some of that comes with being a teen but usually the shock for most parents is the children they worked so hard to shape are now unpleasant little fuckers. In this case the dad doesn’t see a change or anything wrong because him and the boys mother have failed him. 100% weak husband and weak mum problem. I don’t know how much blame can be laid at this round adults door because he’s never been taught any different. Dad is disrespectful and doesn’t give a toss of anyone else’s feelings and now his son is the same way. The fact your husband rolls his eyes at you suggest to me your problem won’t be solved as he a) doesn’t see a problem, b) doesn’t give a shit about you or your feelings. I think a different conversation is needed

Put air fresheners in his bedroom, ask him not to leave his shoes in the hallway and put his bikes away, talk to him about wiping the toilet seat? These are all pretty standard experiences with some teenagers.

Otherwise, it is difficult to know what you think is to be gained from this post. It really doesn’t sound as though you like him despite knowing him for a decade. There should be some affection for him by now, surely? If not, then that really is not nice and is a REAL problem.

Tell your DH you need more money for toilet roll seeing as you use half of it to clean up his son's pissy mess.

My DH pisses on the seat and is drives me nuts but he is a grown arse man and nothing I can do about it now - just wish his mam had taught him better lol

Tell him you want more money for new plates and cups because if DSS won't bring them down you are not going to go and retrieve them and in turn have to clean them - buy paper plates and cups for when he comes over and if they ask why just be truthful

If he doesn't eat when you eat then he sorts himself out something when he gets in (have some tins in, will get bored of that) or plate him something up in the microwave - he is 15 so should be able to knock himself something up even if its chocolate spread on toast

There is more than 1 way to skin a cat

However, DSS may not be aware of the way he makes you feel - if this is how he acts at home and his mother doesn't say anything then thats on her and on DH for not saying anything at your house. If your DSS knew you felt this way he would probably be mortified.......just talk to him

Or you could set some rules, get your dh to parent his ds and turn this around.
You don't need to put up with this and you shouldn't have to. It's disgusting.

Agree your DH needs to step up. Also he should find out or ask DSS if this is how he behaves at his mum's. Is it who he is because he doesn't know better or is he pushing boundaries?

Excellent reply. Saved me typing. My teenagers barring the pissing on loo seat were all guilty!They are now fully grown decent human beings.
Maybe read up on teenage development and how the brain matures.

How many kids do you have? I refuse to believe that the dss is the only one being unhygienic if you have younger kids. You just see his mistakes more because you don’t like him. As for dinners - your default position should be to include him in meals and if there’s leftovers so be it eat them the next day. Nothing you’ve posted is a big deal

I'm struggling to understand posters who think that a dislike of piss allover the bathroom is an indicator that the op has some kind of vendetta against her step son. Do you guys all enjoy cleaning up other people's piss? Would you all really just happily accept your sons behaving like this?

He is a teenager. The food thing isn't a big deal, just make enough and he can eat it if he is there or it can be used for lunch. Move the shoes, literally a 2 second task. Ask your husband to deal with the urine issue. It sounds like you are massively overreacting to normal teenage behaviour. Maybe because he isn't yours or perhaps you are in for a shock when yours are teens.

That was a bitchy, horrible reply! Best part about it was "not much help".

That only shows people have different experiences and expectations,

Because my two are now young adults (so I can’t be told I dint know anything about teens) and they weren’t like that.
The smell, well yes. That’s hormones and it eased off on its own.
The rest? If they ever had behave that way, they would have been told to clean, tidy etc… and yes they would have done it too. No way I was going to expect them to treat the place like shit.

It’s not that @Bugadugdug doesn't know about teenagers.
It’s ok to have much higher expectations that ‘is ok to piss on toilet lid and not clean up’

You're problem is that your DH is being a rubbish dad. He's not doing his son any favours by failing to parent him.

That being said, it's not fair for any child to have to have an adult who dislikes them in their home (not just finds some of their behaviour annoying, actually dislikes them). And if you live with his dad, your home is his home too.

You and your DH need to have some very serious conversations about his parenting skills and family expectations.

I agree. Not all teen boys are revolting!

Mine kept a decent clean room as a teen, showered every day and used deodorant, brought dishes down when asked - and he had learned not to piss everywhere even before starting primary (sit down if needed!).

Your DH is failing as a parent.