Not sure what to do

[Anonymous372]

Partners son hates me. He hasn’t always; when we first met, he was 7, and excited about dads new friend - he asked if we’d all live together with his mum, her new partner and us… I realise now he probably wasn’t given a clear explanation about their separation, partner would still do holiday, or ‘babysit’ at theirs, after moving out.

We got together almost 3 years ago and I moved in with my two sons last year. Four boys between us. Partners ex slanders every single thing we do - to their two children, what time bedtime is, what food they eat, just basically cannot accept the relationship, she’d prefer my partner to be alone and solitary for the rest of his life. She is hugely high conflict. His 9 yr old son says to him, you didn’t ask my opinion/permission about them moving in…

It’s just becoming increasingly difficult, with his son not wanting to come to ours, or when he is here, his behaviour is pretty awful. I do think there are massive elements of previous times where my partner would just buy him something to placate him. He’s lovely if he’s being bought something. :(

We try to make everything relaxed and comfortable, doing things he enjoys. He has a lot of one to one with dad where possible. Trying to have boundaries. He will physically turn away. Won’t speak to me. His dad tries to pull him up on it, but it’s become entrenched. If he’s in a good mood, he might chat to me, or show me something he’s brought with him, football cards. He’s come to the shop with me, on a good day, and I’ll treat him to football cards but then reverts back to this hatred.

We’ve just had an open chat with him about it, and he’s basically said, I just won’t be happy until they move out.

I just don’t know what is for the best, are we just to be dictated to by him? I feel sick all of the time as to how he’s going to be toward me, I try and keep positive and am always kind. Maybe too kind and just a pushover, as is his dad with how he’s been treated by his ex.

I wouldn't want to live with someone I didn't like and have no choice about it. I don't think that's a very happy life for a child.

Does he understand fair generally op? Like if you have cake you cut everyone a similar piece or if there’s a packet of cookies then everyone gets one? If he and his brother have a favorite tv show at the same time that they will have to alternate getting to watch it? (Doesn’t really apply anymore but I’m trying to think of examples) Or does he just disregard other people’s opinions and want what works for him?

We’ve had some more positive times in the last few weeks. He’s not been so reluctant in coming with his dad when he picks him up. He responds well to set amounts of time of devices which I think is so important because it really affects his mood if he has longer on them.

He can understand fairness, he’s really very thoughtful about children with needs or disabilities in his class, he gravitates toward them. Just at home, well here at his dad’s, he can be very argumentative and just tells his brother to ‘shut up’ if he says anything annoying. Feels like typical sibling behaviour but sometimes a bit worse.

I think the comments about living with someone you like, are really interesting, as generally in step families, the children have usually always struggled with their parent separation, then the introduction of a new partner or other kids, two houses, other extended family and events or things going on. I think it must be a small percentage of kids that experience this and ‘like’ all this change or all this upheaval. But I don’t think the answer is just - we should separate or never live together, we are a supportive couple and want to model to the children a positive loving relationship, that’s what families do, functional families.

I’m 11 years into step parenting and it’s been a hard slog. Mainly because the SC’s DM is so bitter & vitriolic still (my now DH & her have been divorced over 13 years).

Still to this day the SC’s mum badmouths us and everything we do. The kids have a loyalty bind & can’t show any joy to her about us / being at ours. We are only ‘allowed’ to be called ‘him’ and ‘her’. Everything the kids did / do at ours is interrogated and the kids know they please mum if they badmouth us. They aren’t even ‘allowed’ by their mum to take Christmas or birthday presents we get them home.

Social services have been involved (and years of going to court) as the suspected parental alienation - but they can do very little to help.

I have a decent relationship with the younger son (now 15).

My SD (now 19) spent years being extremely unpleasant, monosyllabic answers, not talking to me, looking at me. It was an absolutely miserable time for anyone involved. DH tried to address it with her - every time there was ‘nothing wrong’ or ‘I don’t know’.

We caught (at 15 YO) breaking into her dad’s phone and screenshotting our personal WhatsApp messages & sending them to her mum. She was also taking photos of our private letters (filed away) and sending them to her mum. After getting caught she we haven’t seen or heard from her. She stopped coming, blocked my DH on the phone and won’t communicate. She’s Still her mum drops poison in her ear we hear.

My advice wound be to address all bad behaviour every single time (your DH). I wish we had gone to family counselling to get to the bottom of what was going on. SS did recommend my SD have some - but mum wouldn’t allow it.

We are waiting (she’s 19 now) for her to realise what her mum has done.

Good luck 🤞

I think I’ve read some of your posts, and resonated with some of what you’ve said about your SD. My stepson sees no wrong in things his mother says/does, and when he parrots things, it’s concerning to see the individual he’s growing into.

I will always try to separate the child from the behaviour, his behaviour is a response to something, the domestic abuse, the alienation or his mothers behaviour, it’s not usual childhood behaviour.

I agree, family therapy would be really useful, my DSS would really benefit, his mum wouldn’t agree, unless it was her idea.

Also, I’ve encouraged my partner to lock his whatsapp, as I’m sure when he lets his 9 yr old play on his phone, he will sometimes video call his mum and then could potentially see the awful messages his mum sends his dad, which I find difficult to read - let alone their own child. Very sad.

I can imagine this sort of incident being something they’d try… everything gets reported back, we await the abusive message the next day about everything.