Not sure what to do

[Anonymous372]

Partners son hates me. He hasn’t always; when we first met, he was 7, and excited about dads new friend - he asked if we’d all live together with his mum, her new partner and us… I realise now he probably wasn’t given a clear explanation about their separation, partner would still do holiday, or ‘babysit’ at theirs, after moving out.

We got together almost 3 years ago and I moved in with my two sons last year. Four boys between us. Partners ex slanders every single thing we do - to their two children, what time bedtime is, what food they eat, just basically cannot accept the relationship, she’d prefer my partner to be alone and solitary for the rest of his life. She is hugely high conflict. His 9 yr old son says to him, you didn’t ask my opinion/permission about them moving in…

It’s just becoming increasingly difficult, with his son not wanting to come to ours, or when he is here, his behaviour is pretty awful. I do think there are massive elements of previous times where my partner would just buy him something to placate him. He’s lovely if he’s being bought something. :(

We try to make everything relaxed and comfortable, doing things he enjoys. He has a lot of one to one with dad where possible. Trying to have boundaries. He will physically turn away. Won’t speak to me. His dad tries to pull him up on it, but it’s become entrenched. If he’s in a good mood, he might chat to me, or show me something he’s brought with him, football cards. He’s come to the shop with me, on a good day, and I’ll treat him to football cards but then reverts back to this hatred.

We’ve just had an open chat with him about it, and he’s basically said, I just won’t be happy until they move out.

I just don’t know what is for the best, are we just to be dictated to by him? I feel sick all of the time as to how he’s going to be toward me, I try and keep positive and am always kind. Maybe too kind and just a pushover, as is his dad with how he’s been treated by his ex.

He’s had the misfortune to be born to people who just can’t parent together successfully . That’s not his fault.
He is 9 years old.

Same as the older 3 boys. Yet they have responded to it very differently.

Separation’s affect children in all different ways, also children of different ages will be impacted differently.

So, curiously - how would we consider our separation then on the older three? They can’t be afforded a step parent as the youngest child says no?

Look, you and your dp have made your decisions. Whether or not your children are happy you will never fully know. What’s obvious from your posts is that there is a young child who is struggling and unhappy.
I don’t know what the solution is.

I wonder how he feels about having three significantly older boys in the house? At Mums his brother presumably has to work with his because it is just the two of them. I wonder if he is overwhelmed when they are all 4 together?

My eldest is usually out and about.

he’s very envious of my 12 yo.

"For now, we’ve agreed to try to do more as separately as possible. But not make it known to any of the kids. And my partner will continue to talk with him and reiterate how he loves him, and will always love him no matter what, but share that he is a grown up and in a relationship and therefore loves me as well.

I just want for his 9 yr old to feel happier. Even if I disappeared off the planet, I think he’s just quite a sad boy, he and his brother don’t always get along, he doesn’t have many friends. I would argue I’m his biggest advocate for trying to help him, I tell my partner that his son has been massively impacted by their awful separation and the abuse he still witnesses from his mum to his dad."

I'm sorry but telling a 9 year child his father loves him but also loves another woman wont be of much help. As a child i would be devastated that he would even compare me to that.

Your partners first priority is HIS children, not you or your kids.

a young child can not be blamed for feeling the way he feels, he is struggling with the separation of his parents. he is missing his dad because in his eyes his dads playing happy families with someone elses kids.
there is nothing wrong with how he feels. it's a bit like your husband bringing another wife to your marriage and saying 'oh dont worry i love you both equally'

it will take time, as he grows up and comes to terms with it things will probably improve.

this one isn't on you. its not down to you to make him happy as he isn't your child. your husband needs to think long and hard and make sure his childs needs are met first and foremost because it doesnt sound like this 9 year old has the greatest mum or dad.

Seriously? People have moved intothe child's home, upsetting dynamics, no doubt bringing with it adjusted expectations, different foods, different routines and ways of doing things....but the child is the one at fault? Said child had no say in any of this but is expected to behave impeccably and be happy about it?

I’ve never said there is an expectation for him to behave impeccably, or tried to force him to be happy about it. I get that he’s 9 and will have challenges along the way.

It’s just the awful and destructive behaviour, that I don’t think everyone around him should be on the receiving end of.

I didn’t much like my stepmum, I rarely saw them but I’d never have dictated that my dad must leave her to make me happy.

This is why I would only date a man with kids if his ex wife was dead.

We also have a prime example of how it can work - and I do appreciate it takes time after separation to get to it, it was no plain sailing when I first separated from my kids dad, but we are almost 12 years on, and his wife only provides and positive influence on my boys. I’m grateful to her, I rarely have much contact with ex because we have an arrangement, not through court, we swap and change if things come up for the kids or we try to accommodate each other if things come up with partners.
There is no real reason for partners ex to behave the way she does. Or at least I can’t see it, she doesn’t want her children to have a good relationship with their dad.

His 9 yr old son says to him, you didn’t ask my opinion/permission about them moving in…

Well did his dad speak to him about it before it was inflicted on him? It's not just you that has moved in is it, but 2 older boys that he isn't related to. I'm not saying he should have been able to say no or whatever, but it's very unsettling at that age when things change, especially when they're so far out of your control.

Honestly he does sound a sad little boy but I'm not convinced that you moving out would make him any happier and it sounds like it would
Be incredibly disruptive for the older boy who is enjoying the benefits of a step mom he gets on with and a step sibling near his own age.
I don't believe in the ethos that parents should be absolutely dictated to by their kids about key decision. It's not helpful and I believe damaging in the long run. It can't all be about any one member of the family no matter what age they are.
I'd stick with your plan of staying fairly separate when he is around and staying out of his way and continue having your dp give him loads is one on one attention.

Everyone else is paired up
Your eldest is off doing his thing at that age but shows hisdisloke when he is there
Next 2 get on well
You and DP together.

Add on 9 yr old feels lonely, isolated and is telling you all this. Bad behaviour gets attention otherwise he is bit nine year old no mates in the family Stop blaming his Mum and look at the house and family from his perspective

oh and if he was not asked /told about before it happened - 2 yrs from meeting to moving in is quick. Really does sound like he was told no room for his worries concerns to be heard and made to get on with it
How ahve the rooms been sorted/space etc?

He was spoken to about it, well in advance of it happening. He was quite excited about it. He has his own room, and we made it special with new decorations and each of them had LED lights up. Each have their own room.

I feel like I’m trying to justify decision making. That’s not what I needed from posting. Just advice from people who may have similar experiences or helpful constructive suggestions.

Thanks for the comments everyone.

There are two comments that you have made that really stand out Op, which I think is a direct cause of the 9 year olds unhappiness.

The first " My partner has changed his ways since we first met, because he would admit he is too soft " That must have had a direct impact on his son and for him a massive change in the way his father had previously related to him. That explains why the boy cannot directly put into words how he is feeling.

The second comment "he’s very envious of my 12 yo." again explains his feelings, a boy not that much older than him has moved into what was his home and is living with his Dad almost full time. At the same time his own dads behaviour changed towards his son, due to your influence, no wonder the boy is so troubled and upset. I don't think you intentionally meant to hurt the boy but the damage has been done.
Perhaps you could explain this to your partner and he could then get to understand his sons behaviour.

I feel very ambivalent about the suggestions that the op and her partner shouldn’t live together and that a child who is unhappy should be accommodated in this way because I am an adult whose guilt about being the unhappy stepchild in this situation and my mum being on her own now is so overwhelming it has caused me serious mental health issues.

Thank for your honest reply.

I think so much about his mental health both now and in the future.

I honestly believe it’d do much more harm if I was just to up and leave. It’s not really on the table.

There are many other factors in his home life with his mum, and contact issues and soon to be court and more denigration from mum to dad. That wouldn’t just miraculously get better if I wasn’t here.

We had a good evening when he was here last, he seemed in a better place and we cleaned out his hamster together, then he spent the evening doing bath and bed routine with dp. I’m well aware that for every one good evening we may have 5 challenging times.

I think all too often the ex wife is blamed for the unhappiness of the children.

My ex would tell anyone who listened that his son stopped going there because I poisoned him against them. If he tried to voice his upset he was told “those are your mother’s words.” When in actual fact I encouraged him to go there, I sat with him for ages when he didn’t want to go, because ex was his father and at 11 he couldn’t possibly understand the impact of refusing to go could have on their relationship in the future.

But the truth is that the reason he didn’t want to go is because he was essentially replaced. His dad got together with a new partner who also had a child, the expectation was that they should behave as siblings from the instant they met, and then she fell pregnant within months of them getting together, and they all moved in together and DS felt replaced, especially when ex told him as part of announcing her pregnancy that he’d always wanted another child.

Things came to a head when DS was 14 and he’s never stayed there again since.

He does have a relationship with his dad, but it’s all conducted away from home. His dad’s dP goes out of her way to exclude anyone who was part of ex’s past from their lives, and openly blames me for the way DS is, when in actual fact she made it very clear that her child was the priority and should be treated as such.

Ex has since admitted that he regrets getting together with her and probably wouldn’t be with her now but for the fact they have a child together which she would likely refuse to let him see in the same way she refused to let her ex see her daughter.

Bet you never had a step parent that suddenly moved into your home. Easy to give our advice when you are not the child without choice and have to live with adults you don’t know or like.

I hated my step parent too and didn’t speak to them for about 3 years. You forget he is a small child put in difficult positions that adults didn’t explain to him properly. Now he has to share his DF with other children that he sees more than him.
i will always be resentful how selfish all the adults on my life were, no consideration for the children involved.
Move out.

Well that there is the difference. We have every consideration for the children. Each one of them individually and we love and care for them and are trying to help them, hence part of that is me posting on here.

sorry that was not your experience…

Wrong I was a step child with a step mum thrust upon me who at the time I despised. Growing up I realised I was just being a brat because she wasn’t my mum and my reasons for disliking here weren’t really reasons at all. I hated a woman and was a terror to a woman who did nothing wrong at all. Bit like the op really. So ask, don’t assume 👍🏼

Moving in after two years doesn’t show you have the children’s best interests at heart. Clearly at least one child wasn’t ready for this and is struggling to share his DF with other children who live with him FT.

Your OP is what you can do to make him like you when he is clearly a sad and confused little boy trying to make sense of new family arrangements.

I'm not normally a fan of children dictating whom adults can love/live with but you and he are unhappy.
Would a family meeting be appropriate where you all talk through your feelings & where you & your partner perhaps living in separate houses is on the table.

Not splitting up. Kids don't get to dictate that.
But I would have hated living with my step mother. She wasn't a monster, I just felt like I was a "guest"