Not sure what to do

[Anonymous372]

Partners son hates me. He hasn’t always; when we first met, he was 7, and excited about dads new friend - he asked if we’d all live together with his mum, her new partner and us… I realise now he probably wasn’t given a clear explanation about their separation, partner would still do holiday, or ‘babysit’ at theirs, after moving out.

We got together almost 3 years ago and I moved in with my two sons last year. Four boys between us. Partners ex slanders every single thing we do - to their two children, what time bedtime is, what food they eat, just basically cannot accept the relationship, she’d prefer my partner to be alone and solitary for the rest of his life. She is hugely high conflict. His 9 yr old son says to him, you didn’t ask my opinion/permission about them moving in…

It’s just becoming increasingly difficult, with his son not wanting to come to ours, or when he is here, his behaviour is pretty awful. I do think there are massive elements of previous times where my partner would just buy him something to placate him. He’s lovely if he’s being bought something. :(

We try to make everything relaxed and comfortable, doing things he enjoys. He has a lot of one to one with dad where possible. Trying to have boundaries. He will physically turn away. Won’t speak to me. His dad tries to pull him up on it, but it’s become entrenched. If he’s in a good mood, he might chat to me, or show me something he’s brought with him, football cards. He’s come to the shop with me, on a good day, and I’ll treat him to football cards but then reverts back to this hatred.

We’ve just had an open chat with him about it, and he’s basically said, I just won’t be happy until they move out.

I just don’t know what is for the best, are we just to be dictated to by him? I feel sick all of the time as to how he’s going to be toward me, I try and keep positive and am always kind. Maybe too kind and just a pushover, as is his dad with how he’s been treated by his ex.

Almost 50/50, tues night, Thurs night, and EOW

My children didn’t like the idea, it was new and they’d only lived with me for almost 10 years that I’d been single. But I supported them, as did their dad who was in agreement for us moving. And they have a good relationship with my partner, that chat, we eat dinner together when we can, they talk football, we watch films together or play games like monopoly etc.

My partners eldest loves playing monopoly with us all too, but his youngest hates it (he often won’t join in anyway)- he struggles with any games that he may lose.

The more I think about things tonight, the more I see he has such a deep insecurity which is so sad.

She's now an adult but when we got married she was a young teen.
We've been NC for over a year now for a different reason and I doubt I'll ever see her again. If my dh has any relationship with her it will be separate to my marriage and he is well aware of this. Her hatred turned nasty and I'm past forgiving after trying so hard for so long

Sorry to hear that things have gotten that bad.

I know my partner is fearful of it becoming NC with his son. Of course he’s going to prioritise him, but sure he can’t say to his dad who he can and can’t be in a relationship with.

In the end the nc was unrelated to me. But the years before with her have left a mark. Should she ever be back in touch I'll seek therapy to deal with what she did, and what her mum did. For now silence is calm and I'm ok with that as it is. But I'll never stop my dh having a relationship with her which of he should and is desperate to. It's in her hands now.

I'm sorry your dealing with this, blending families is so unique to each person and has so much potential to be great but so much room to be awful

Yes, I imagine that given everything, it’s probably a welcome silence.

I feel like the struggles of it all just dominate everything.

For now, we’ve agreed to try to do more as separately as possible. But not make it known to any of the kids. And my partner will continue to talk with him and reiterate how he loves him, and will always love him no matter what, but share that he is a grown up and in a relationship and therefore loves me as well.

I just want for his 9 yr old to feel happier. Even if I disappeared off the planet, I think he’s just quite a sad boy, he and his brother don’t always get along, he doesn’t have many friends. I would argue I’m his biggest advocate for trying to help him, I tell my partner that his son has been massively impacted by their awful separation and the abuse he still witnesses from his mum to his dad.

Would his father consider play or art therapy for him?

Yes he’s had some nurture support from the school, but tbh I think the school probably feel quite in the middle. Partner and his ex can’t manage parents eve together and I dread to think what she says to school about DP.

This is definitely something we can look into further.

He is also going to court, mediation was unsuccessful, he is wanting for the children to have less transitions and so blocks of time with him, so they can settle in one place for longer than a day or two.

I suppose if you look 10 or 20 years down the line, what will this little boy's life look like. Will any of the adults currently in his life take any responsibility for their roles in how his life may turn out - primarily his mother and father.

My partner asked me tonight if I was giving up on his son. I’m absolutely not giving up, but I’m not prepared to be made to feel so awful, when all we try to do is make everyone feel happy, settled and comfortable. So something needs to be changed up a bit.

You are caught up in a situation between your dp and the mother of his children.
Is his priority his children or you and your children?

And how did your partner respond to that?

Would his child be happier if you and your sons moved back out again?

He agrees, he will be spending whatever time he can one on one with his son.

I wouldn’t upend my life for the few and not the many. Are there any consequences to his behaviour? Or is he pussy footed around?

He says he would be, I’m not sure he would be. I think his actions and behaviours are as a way of expressing loyalty to his mum - does anyone recall the part in the Stepmom film, where the boy says to his mum “I’ll hate her if you want me to” about the stepmom who is Julia Roberts.

I don’t know if it would just do more damage than good, me just walking out, all of our other children would then be devastated after taking time to adjust and settle to our new normal. My partners 13 yr old would be really upset and probably quite angry.

From reading all the other posts, it’s scarily so common that children don’t want to tell their mum if they’ve had fun at their dads or with extended family on dad’s side. That’s exactly what happened here too, from the early days - as he used to have a lot of fun.

My partners son, is hateful towards my partners dad, his sister. All because DP’s ex hates his family.

Strangely, when we had first moved in, his youngest son had been sent round from his mums with sweets for that evening for all the boys to share as a bit of a midnight feast, (earlier than midnight!) but I remember thinking, well this is good, and that’s a nice encouraging thing, for the boys to get along and do something like that.

He was. And at his mums I think he definitely is. My partner has changed his ways since we first met, because he would admit he is too soft.

He has consequences, but I know my partner is quite reluctant to get to removing a device or something, because of how he erupts.

A couple of weeks ago, we were going to all go to my mums to see her new puppy, DSC loves animals, but he was refusing. No real reason, just didn’t want to see my family. So it got to the point where DP just said fine, we won’t go, but I still went with the other boys and DSC was practically begging to go because he did actually want to go… but we stuck to our guns.

Mums house is her rules if they’re feral there good luck to her. Your house your rules and tbh the eruption would result in a further consequence. He really needs to get on top of this and firmly. Currently he has an 8 year old behaving like a brat and being allowed to do so.

a fucking 9 year old dictating what everyone is doing?! My god. He is a kid, sometimes he has to do as he is told and there isn’t a choice. I’d be getting really fucked off with your husband if I were you. Why the hell is he allowing him to disrupt everyone else?!

boundaries and consistency make children feel safe. They are children they feel safe when the adult sets the pace and the tone. His dad has a lot of work to do on his parenting

He believes his son may need to be assessed for ASD. So much of the reason for softness is thinking that he is ND. But I share your view too, children still need boundaries and if we wouldn’t let our 12/13/15 ye old get away with it, why should the 9 y old. He won’t make friends if he’s just horrible to people.

Or to the child who’ll be feeling the same effects of a toxic environment.

So when is he being assessed or will it just be used as a get out card his whole life?! From what you’ve described he just sounds spoilt tbh. If his dad was actually pushing to get a diagnosis I’d bite my tongue a little but I’d bet my last pound he’s doing nothing about it. I’d make it clear, it changes or I am gone and not temporarily. You can’t live you life around a 9 year old. Ridiculous!

even if he is ND he isn’t immune to punishment ffs. It’s just about learning how to communicate in a way it’s understood.

Basically he’s another young child at the mercy of the behaviour of the adults in his life. He has no one to advocate for him. No one who will put him first.

It’s something he’s been mentioning for a long time to his ex, but she has never agreed to progress it - always shut it down and once called my DP an ‘autistic prick’ though he doesn’t have any diagnosis but a counsellor years ago once told him he may have “traits”. He’s mentioned to school. He took his son to drs about continual tummy aches meaning lots of time off school (at mums house) and mentioned social anxiety issues.

She has recently come around to the idea and now that she’s seemingly okay with the idea, will agree to looking into the assessment pathway… all on her terms.

I do really appreciate your comments, would you pop round and have a word with DP!!

So what if his next request was for mum and dad to ditch their partners and get back together? Do they just do as told and reunite?

I’m advocating for him, I want for him to be happy, of course his father does. He does everything he possibly can to try to see him happy.

Wow this sounds familiar. Exs kid always off school. There was a time youngest was taken A&E we said we’d come get the oldest so he can sleep and go to school was told no he wants to stay. Well missing a day of school isn’t in his best interests yet apparently he gets to decide, the child. So many instances like this. Boils my piss.

ahah he won’t listen he will just pander to him and I bet he comes down hard on the older one which he will grow to resent. I left my ex because I was so fed up with his shite parenting. Funny the abuse didn’t make me leave, his shit parenting and lack of boundaries with the ex did 🤦🏼‍♀️