Not sure what to do

[Anonymous372]

Partners son hates me. He hasn’t always; when we first met, he was 7, and excited about dads new friend - he asked if we’d all live together with his mum, her new partner and us… I realise now he probably wasn’t given a clear explanation about their separation, partner would still do holiday, or ‘babysit’ at theirs, after moving out.

We got together almost 3 years ago and I moved in with my two sons last year. Four boys between us. Partners ex slanders every single thing we do - to their two children, what time bedtime is, what food they eat, just basically cannot accept the relationship, she’d prefer my partner to be alone and solitary for the rest of his life. She is hugely high conflict. His 9 yr old son says to him, you didn’t ask my opinion/permission about them moving in…

It’s just becoming increasingly difficult, with his son not wanting to come to ours, or when he is here, his behaviour is pretty awful. I do think there are massive elements of previous times where my partner would just buy him something to placate him. He’s lovely if he’s being bought something. :(

We try to make everything relaxed and comfortable, doing things he enjoys. He has a lot of one to one with dad where possible. Trying to have boundaries. He will physically turn away. Won’t speak to me. His dad tries to pull him up on it, but it’s become entrenched. If he’s in a good mood, he might chat to me, or show me something he’s brought with him, football cards. He’s come to the shop with me, on a good day, and I’ll treat him to football cards but then reverts back to this hatred.

We’ve just had an open chat with him about it, and he’s basically said, I just won’t be happy until they move out.

I just don’t know what is for the best, are we just to be dictated to by him? I feel sick all of the time as to how he’s going to be toward me, I try and keep positive and am always kind. Maybe too kind and just a pushover, as is his dad with how he’s been treated by his ex.

I had to live with a step parent I hated. It was awful. Any moodiness/grumpiness on my part was pure emotion (in fact, it was me trying to hold back the actual strength of my feelings!) and was never calculated or manipulative.

I don't know the solution here, but I do know that the miserable child isn't the problem.

Do you want to move out? Are your children suffering because of DSS?

Guess dad just needs to keep reassuring him he is part of the family but so are you and your sons and it is NOT changing. You both need to get on top of the shitty behaviour. I always say step kids don’t have to like step parents and step parents don’t have to like step kids but i think it is reasonable to be polite and respectful to one another. That’s the very bare minimum. Nothing has been done that this can’t be achieved. Good luck getting a dad whose afraid to parent his kids to do it

do you know why you hated your step parent?

I understand that you don't want him to dictate things, but at the moment everyone is miserable. I think you do need to consider moving out OP

There wasn't any one particular incident or reason. I just didn't like him much, and I was forced to live with him! I couldn't just watch TV with my mum, because he was always there. He was really boring. I had to make an effort to be on "good behaviour" in my own home.

Like, you know how you'd go to some sleepovers as a kid, and have a good time with your friend, and their parents weren't awful or anything, but you were still glad to get home in the morning?! Well, like that, except that was home.

Fwiw you shouldn't take it personally. Think of all the perfectly pleasant people that you know/work with, who you would HATE to live with!

I'd move out for the sake of your kids

All kids are lovely when they’re being bought things.

All kids play up when they’re unhappy.

You asked him what the problem was and he told you. He’s not dictating anything, just answering the question you asked.

The answer is really to give him more time alone with his dad.

I know, and I don’t think I’ve done anything to warrant these feelings. It’s so hard.

My partners 13 yr old is very different, he’s polite and respectful - sometimes has the usual teenage moods or grumpiness and not listening to dad, but he seems to get on with me. He and my 12 yr old get along, so we are aware the 9 yr old may well be jealous of this.

My 15 yr old just wants to be out with friends and at the gym. He gets annoyed that he 9 yr old seems to get away with murder, and I do say this to partner.

No I don’t want to move out. I just don’t want to feel like this, I have been having palpitations and stress over certainly the last 6 months to a year, from each time something happens - there are just ongoing occasions of poor behaviour and rudeness and it’s awful listening to the way he speaks to his dad.

My sons and my partners 13 yr old are being affected in the sense they just get fed up, they know there’ll be something and they tend not to want to join in so much with things altogether. I don’t think it’s heavily impacting, but it’s quite draining.

Yeah I agree and for my own sanity - I know I need to do more either on my own or with my son/s.

My partner feels that’s just separating and it’s just headed in one direction then.

FWIW we still do a lot of our things here and there, my partner does his children’s tea and packed lunches and activities with them all the time they are here, he does maybe an hour long bath, reading and bed routine with his 9 year old which they both enjoy.

My boys are older so tend to need dropping to clubs, friends houses, etc
They also have no issue with my partner, so when it’s 4 of us, it’s a noticeably different dynamic.

And this is exactly why I don't think separated parents should holiday together or do Xmas together etc. It blurs the lines and causes confusion for children. It stops parents from being able to move on. It also hasn't helped that you've all just pandered to him. This should have been nipped in the bud ages ago instead of you both trying to buy his affections with gifts.

How does he feel about his step-parent at his mum's house?

From someone who was the hated step parent there isn’t a lot you can do.
In my case it started off well, mum got jealous and bad mouthed me and passed this onto the child. Alongside making her feel guilty for enjoying time in our home.
I tolerated a life where I hated being at home every time she was there for six years. In the end I moved out. I accepted it was never going to get better. Never has.
I didn’t have my own children but I know for absolute certainty I would not have stayed as long as I did in a highly toxic environment if my children had had to live it too. It made me physically and mentally unwell. Don’t do it to yourself.

OP this is what you need to read and read and read again. That’s how it feels for him. Imagine you were told that from now on you had to live with one of your colleagues that you thought was ok but didn’t click massively with. Then, there he is - passing you on the stairs, eating dinner with you, always there. You CHOSE your partner. Your children just got presented with a new parent person, a stranger, someone they wouldn’t have chosen.

You aren’t a family if he doesn’t want it. You cannot force it - well you can and you are but that doesn’t mean it’s ok.

Blending very often just does not work.

Ah I can see someone else has drawn the colleague analogy. OP it isn’t about doing anything to warrant it! It’s about the perfectly reasonable feeling that he doesn’t want to live with a person who isn’t his parent who he hasn’t chosen to live with. You wouldn’t want to either. But you are the adult so you could choose. If you gave all the other children the choice, they’d also prefer not to have the step parent there. They’re just less actively unhappy about it, it seems.

And all of it goes double when it’s a parent figure and they’re a child. It’s not even like a housemate that you don’t get on with. You’re subordinate, they come in to your life, a complete stranger, and suddenly they’re shaping your family life experience. It’s pretty shit really.

Well the miserable child is the problem here, actually. And the OP sounds like a nice person, looking for advice.

My sd hates me, has since we got married, I think till then she thought it was all fun and at that point realised mum and dad were never getting back together. I'd been with my dh 6 years at that point and was not the ow.

My stepkids hated me. I have since found out that a lot of the issues were because their mum made them feel guilty if they acted like they enjoyed coming to our house and also would be happy when they bad mouthed us and said how miserable they were. I guess talking constantly about how much you hate being somewhere becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. They would message her in secret about every detail of our lives and they would criticise it together and laugh together. Some fucked up way of bonding I suppose.

dsd who is now late 20s has since told me all this. We have a great relationship now. She does still talk to her mum but it’s limited and she sees her mum now for who she is. She lives near us with her partner and his child and they spend bdays, Xmas, easter ect with us never with her mum. Her mum hasn’t even met her partner (of nearly 4 years).

I absolutely agree, I never did that with my boys dad. We separated and that was that. He was horrid and an awful partner, but I never told my boys that to make him hate him. They go to their dads, EOW and ad hoc, they get on with his wife - went to their wedding earlier this year, and Disney…

My partners son idolises his mothers partner, calls him pet names and will even tell my partner how “ is a better “dad” than you…” but because mothers partner hasn’t moved in, DSC thinks that’s how it should be. He’s there pretty much all the time.

I agree it should have been nipped in the bud, I wished I’d made more suggestion sooner to may partner about his version of trying to discipline him.

A child is allowed to feel miserable about being made to live as a family with an adult they aren’t related to and don’t want to live with. That’s huge. I think if most of you sat down and really thought about it you’d hate the idea too.

it’s got nothing to do with OP being a lovely person.

I get that that is hard for any set of partners who want to or have blended their families. But the bottom line is, no child would actively want to live in that situation.

What’s the custody split? 50/50? EOW?

My step children are similar OP. I’m 10 years on. It’s not been a fun ride and im, quite frankly, ready to get off this ride. You can try and try and try but if there’s shit coming from the other end from the step children’s mum, it’s a losing battle.

My sc are 11 and 13 and I’ve bent over backwards to make them feel welcomed, cared for etc but I just can’t win. Their mother is the reason their parents aren’t together as she had an affair.

They do not get on and she has from day 1 tried to cause difficultly feeding those poor kids poison. My oh does little to make things easier. He’s petrified of losing his kids. It’s affecting us all.

You’re a few years in. It’s highly likely things won’t change.

The bottom line is who is his father going to prioritise - his child or you and your children. If your child hated being forced to move in with a man and his children what would you do?

How old is she?

Maybe that’s when my dsc thoughts changed, when we moved in. I’m sure it is more to do with his mother’s influence and hatred of my partner and me…. She’s said some awful things, and even about my children.