Do you force a child to like the new partner

[wildfish]

Curious. If a child does not like - thats too strong - is not closely attached or does not want to form a bond yet ---- do you force the issue or do you let it happen or encourage it?

DS is 4. ExW has just got married (a touch quickly in my view - 3months after meeting) and yesterday DS didn't want to go out to her car to say hello to her new H. Eventually he did, but shouted hello and ran back in. (DS wasn't well either - throwing up).

She stormed off. Today DS didn't seem pleased to see her, and she said (after taking DS aside) "Is it because you were naughty yesterday, you were very bad. You hurt me. etc etc" And then proceeded to tell me how I was blocking it, how I was brainwashing him, how I was .... usual evil one .... She told DS off in the past for not liking a toy her new DP bought for DS.

I find it quite annoying, and I think I would only gently encourage or talk about, but not tell him off about it - its new for him too, just cos she is in love doesn't mean he has to be already.

But seeking a sanity check here - in case I am way off the mark.

Completely agree with you.

You can't actually force a child to 'like' someone. You have to give them time and space.

I'd bet your ExW is feeling nervous and guilty about the whole thing, and Not Coping with that, so she's stressed and annoyed with DS.

I dont agree with your exw telling your ds he was naughty or telling him he hurt her, thats emotional blackmail and likely to force ds in the opposite direction to liking her new H. You are right to encourage him gently. Does your ds live with you, is there a lot of resentment on your ex's part? sounds like she is desperate for your ds to like her new H to quickly, these things take time.

DS lives (overnightly) with me exclusively. He has refused for the past 2 years almost to staying there overnight. He has recently started spending more daytime with her.b

Yes she is on a panic drive at the moment. She is demanding that I start to (her words) "encourage him, by packing his bag and saying today you are going to stay at Mums and enjoy it" I say no it has to be positive, not "kicking him out" (Another discussion)

Now of course same approach here - in my view - force the issue, and I don't think that will work - or as said above it will backfire.

Hi Wildfish...

No, it's completely wrong to 'force' a child to like / accept a step parent.

I have been a step mum for 10 years and have a good relationship with my step kids, but I am not a parent and don't expect them to ever treat me as such. I wouldn't expect them to 'run out and greet me' now, in the past or in the future (unless they wanted to say something particular... not just to say hi!!)

I would actually go to say that, after 3 motnhs (marriage or no marriage) it's too early for a child to be dealing with this other adult. I didn't meet my step kids for a year and even then did it slowly with the help of Dh's Ex........

I do agree, though, that you should be as positive as possible about his time with mummy........ You don't have to say you are kicking him out - Just that mummy loves him too and wants to see him and make sure he's happy, but that you love him too and will always be there for him........

I do think that, at least 50% of his contact time right now should be with his mum and only his mum........

No, of course you shouldn't force a child to like someone, how can you?

What do you mean about kicking him out though? All he is doing is going to stay with his othe parent, I don't really understand what's negative about that.

You've said on here that you think they got married too quickly. What do YOU think about the new husband? It's just that I wonder if your ds has sensed your disapproval and is acting like he is because of that?

Of course if you keep your views/feelings away from your ds then I'm clearly talking out of my proverbial . As long as your conscience is clear that you encourage the contact, don't bad mouth his mum or her new partner in front/around him (and I have a 4 year old and it's amazing what they hear when you think they are engrossed in something and not listening), then she has nothing to blame you for - that is just her taking out her anger at the situation on you.
And I agree it's not something to get angry about, more to probe and find out if anything's wrong and gently encourage the relationship to develop at the child's pace.

I haven't met the new DH yet. He wants to meet, and I've said ok, but I'd rather it be outside without her around (as at the moment she is so hostile it really winds me up and I'd rather be on at least neutral (or better) terms with the new step dad). She has said no way. (Not as if I was to bad mouth her then the guy will dump her and he will really believe me duh!) . I personally don't care as long as he is not bad to my DS. Don't see why I should always let her get her way, especially with the level of hostility at the moment (why would anyone imagine hostility would win someone over?)

Negative about kicking him out, I mean he says he doesn't want to go, (quite loudly and emphatically), given that if I was to say here is your bag and you are going (her exact words), I think a 4 year old who has assumed he is "home" here, will start to think Dad doesn't want me. I'd rather she make the effort to make him feel he wants to go there "pull" and not me "push" him there. If he wants to go, or was on the teetering edge I may oblige, but not from the position he is.

Generally she is not the topic of my conversations with DS (though she believes I sit here with brainwashing equipment). Mostly she does the shouting and screaming (mostly) and DS notices this, and give a lot of other things (I could go on and on). Also I am sure DS would like my approval of said new person, but how can I approve (or disapprove) when I've never met this person.
Forcing him to say sorry for not liking a toy - I am sure that makes him like the new relationship even more!

OK, he says he doesn't want to go - I bet (at 4YO) he also says he doesn't want to brush his teeth / go to bed / eat his food - but you MAKE him - you turn it in to a fun, happy experience or perhaps promise him a treat...

So, what's different about doing that when he's going to his mums??? It's no different to a mum who has to send her kids to dads for the weekend.... Or even non custodial parents who have to send the kids back in tears - I've seen my DSD1 cry in the back of our car because she doesn't want to go, but (unless you really fear for the wellbeing of the child) then you make them go....

As part of a step family, it's easy to assume that the 'other parent' sits around all day having the life of riley / slagging you off / brainwashing the kid(s) - it's very rarely true...

As for meeting the new DH, why not suggest a compromise? When I met DH's ex, DH sat at a different table to let us talk..... Of course, he wanted to be there and I wanted him there - NOT to interfere but just as support...... Maybe you could bring a mututal friend to chat to your ex while you and new DH talk?

Meeting compromise : good suggestion, will look into that.

Forcing him to go, cos last time this happened he became aggressive and withdrawn and clingy, and fighting (real fighting). Completely different from when he just doesn't want to do something - its really strongly different. Normal its a smile, a few words or stern voice and its done or plea-ing

His development was slowed (even she acknowledges that), the difference is now, I want to wait for school to start while he is on an stability front regaining his confidence and ability, she agrees there is a risk, but thinks it worth the risk. We disagree when to push and how much to push.

I have to say though we both also agree that sending him over against his will is counter productive as he resents her. She believes though I just have to say "make it so" and it will happen, all happilly !!!

You can no more force a child to like a stepparent than you can force a stepparent to like a stepchild.

Stepparents and stepchildren can have many different types of relationship, IMO - it doesn't have to be cuddly and intimate to be a successful relationship.

I am stepmother to two boys and we generally have a good relationship - even, I would say, with my elder stepson a very good relationship. But you can't force it - you just have to let it build up over time.

Wildfish - Just another thing that 'we' did (by we, I mean me, my DH and DH's ex) - after the initial meeting (between DH's ex and me with DH at a different table ), the three of us met up with the kids... she would come with the kids and DH and I would go together and for the first couple of times, she'd leave with the kids and DH and I would leave together and then later, DH and I would 'take the kids out' and DH's ex would meet us later and take the kids back.

The kids were young (younger than 4yo) and it did (I believe) give them the assurance that mummy thought that this was OK - it could be that your DS is picking up on vibes (albeit unspoken ones) from with you or his mum.........

It's a long(ish) process and it was frustrating at times, but I do believe it gave us the grounding (we are 10 years down the line now and the kids come and go without much hassle at all)

I should point out, that she has tried
emotional blackmail (he gets upset but still refuses)
bribery (he turned down all the offers)
trickery (he got wise and refused to go out with her)
persuasion (he stands firm)
ordering me around

Mediation is on the cards now btw

Other child professionals I have spoken to who know him and his development all believe NOW is not the time to be rocking the boat, that should wait till he starts school (to settle from a happy place) and not lump it all on at once.

That sounds like one hell of a determined child........... What do YOU think his problem with his mum is?

When is he due to start school? What would be your plan until then?

"youcannotbeserious" I understand it to be a long slow process. Initially he stopped going out with her (after many tricked times to stay overnight). Now after a year or so, he is going out longer, but always leaves with the statement "you pick me up" to me.

I think she sees she is close and wants to close the issue now, rather than let it continue to rebuild and happen at its pace (which it is).

Now with new DH and school and the fact staying overnight is new too, its seems a lot to force onto him at once - I don't want him withdrawing and closing down at this point.

Oh sorry, forgot to add: The 'professionals' my DH's ex spoke to were quite insistant that any changes to circumstances (DSD2 meeting me and understanding Daddy and I were together) should occur before she started school, so that she felt settled.

youcannotbeserious:

lol, someone else said that too. Basically I believe its just insecurity (I mean he's always been pro-dad) and the fact seriously she tends to push him to the side when someone else is there, or a phone call comes or tv or internet (seriously its funny to see when she's taken him for a hour or two and still gets so easily distracted).

I think the insecurity is getting less, and I don't want to "reset" it backwards. So I am happy if it happens by itself, or else I want him to get to like school then try a more pushy approach after that (within limits).

He does love her, just doesn't want to spend the night over with her.

Wildfish - does he ever have sleepovers with his friends? Do you have friends to sleepover?

Maybe that would be one way he could establish a difference between 'home' and 'sleeping over'

(No experience of that, by the way, just an idea!)

ah professionals always different

The nursery believe it should wait, as in the last few months they have seen changes happening (positive ones) in his development. And they don't believe now is the time to change things around and stall that again. They said he was on the borderline.

Others also agree with that statement.

Perhaps your DSCs were not so previously impacted by the divorce? so this was just one event to deal with?

Cousins allowed here, but he wont sleep over there unless I am there too. He wont sleep over anywhere (even grandparents) unless I am there - and he is close to grandparents too.

Yes, I am sure the Proffs. look at each individual case...........

I am not really sure about the divorce thing? Your DS must have been pretty young, so it's hard to see (please bear in mind, I am no such professional and only have my own experience to go on - If I misread or appear to misread your situation, then I apologise! ) how much it could have affected him.......

Could it be that he's scared you'll leave too? Like his mum did?

Could have that fear. The divorce did impact him more than was expected (I expected some impact, she expected none - it was more than either). But with a two year old its hard to understand how and what. Even with a 4 year old its pretty hard to understand the details of what is in his mind. Sorry have to go, Will be back later though

Why don't you try posting this in the lone parents section? There might be somewhere there with a similar experience.