Talk me down from tiny big annoyance

[Boxdinner668]

I’m finding myself getting angry and upset over assumptions and changes which seem small and ‘innocent’ but have an impact on our life. They are nothing but at the same time provoke strong feelings in me.

Wise step mothers - Am I making a big deal of nothing? Is this just something I have to get over? How do I manage it when I feel angry and irritated. Someone here said you have to have holes in your tongue - how do you do that?

An example, mum asked DP to have SD Sunday night on her weekend, evening collection - all fine. On confirmation, the time was given as mid morning. When queried as a change, she said a relative is on standby (not arranged), no explanation. So we don’t have to change our plans but the assumption is there that a whole Sunday will be changed with no polite request. The only reason we confirmed the time was to ensure our plans were in line.

Am I getting mad over nothing? There was no obligation (although DP agreed straight away) and there is back if we had plans. It’s more the assumption that DP will just do as told (not asked)

The coparenting situation is good, I realise this is minor out of what is written here. It just makes my blood boil when we are so polite and check everything and she tells not asks

It was a hard lesson to let things just wash over me with DSCs mum; it was causing me a lot of stress so I took an emotional step back. If your DP isn’t bothered and it doesn’t have a direct impact on your life then you have to let it flow over you.
On a more frustrating level my DH would get annoyed but not actually do anything and I also learnt there not to get into that tornado with him; I listened and expressed sympathy but ultimately if he wasn’t going to do anything and I couldn’t then I let it go.
Ive been doing this over ten years now and it helps to know it won’t be forever and that as they get older it all changes anyway

@Tbskejue What do you actually do with your feelings? Squash them down? Scream into a pillow? Do martial arts? I’m usually a calm and quiet person but this makes me feel like I’m going to explode

From the mums perspective though why shouldn't she be able to ask the child's dad to have her? Assuming she has the child much more often than he does he is free to make plans etc but she isn't, so it's hardly unfair to expect him to be flexible and help?

@Odearr there is no issue with asking for a change to plans, it was agreed, no problem. No point being unhelpful for the sake of it

This is also a 50/50 arrangement so responsibility is split evenly

It’s the assumption that a different time is ok without an ask, not a ‘my plans have changed would that work for you?’

It’s not a hill worth dying on.

ExW is being unreasonable, but I guess there is a reason they are divorced and that's part of it.

Can you not have a rant to DP?

My exH will do this and my DP is quite happy to vent to me. Not much to be done about it, but the "telling not asking" is extremely irritating and not a little thing at all.

You didn't need to quote the whole OP to write your reply.
It's right there at the top of the page.

Thanks for feedback

But she did ask and said someone else was on standby if you couldn't?

My biggest bugbear with anyone is thinking my time is less important than theirs. Having them extra isn't the issue, it's not sticking to the agreed time by the sound of it. So bloody rude on her part.

You need to take this up with your DP. If my DHs ex had asked if we could have SD on her weekend firstly DH would ask me first if it was ok or if it clashes with any plans. If I said "no we have plans that day" the ex would be told no. If I agreed it was fine, which is usually the case, he would confirm a time with the ex. If the ex had said 6pm collection but then changed to morning collection he would run it past me before confirming a time with his ex.

Your DPs communication with you should be better. He needs to be considering you and the impact that a change in schedule has on you. You can't control how the ex behaves so just let it go and focus on what you can control on your end.

If the change in schedule doesn't work for you he just needs to reply, "That time doesn't work for me. You had originally confirmed an evening collection. The earliest collection I could manage is x". If she blows us or tries to guilt trip him just leave her to it. Her lack of planning doesn't constitute an emergency on your part.

You can't expect someone to not behave in a certain way just because that's not what you would do. I spent a long time getting myself worked up about every little thing the ex would say or do and wracking my brains trying to work out why she did certain things. It achieved nothing.

@Whattodo2024 how do I not die on the hill? Actually, practically?

DP doesn’t see it, is so laid back (but also massively taken for granted) so any ranting is taken as criticism or making something of nothing

Why is it a problem for a father to have his child for a few extra hours? Their mother did have an alternative in place if it was a problem, but you seem to want to make a bug drama out of it and use it as a stick to beat the mother with.
It sounds like their father is happy with the arrangement and but you don't seem to want him to spend this extra time with them

@Illpickthatup thank you - how did you make the change? What did you do differently? I’m interested in HOW to work this out better for me as I agree I’m getting mad at someone I have no influence over

@lunar1 you've got it! It’s not the extra, it’s the not politely asking to change, just assuming it’s fine as our time is less importantant

@Blahblah34 @Flopsythebunny

You're getting worked up about absolutely nothing.

@BurbageBrook yes possibly so, can you help with how to not let this be an issue?

I must say that I agree with this.
Have you got any children, OP?

@Illpickthatup there is a reticence from DP to be direct as he worries she will say no to changes he needs. This backfires as unchecked, she pushes for more unreasonable arrangements

@TheShellBeach I have a child and it worked really well with my exh. She is grown up now as had her very young. We worked in partnership and didn’t take each other for granted

I can totally empathise with you as we often have similar situations. I'd also love to know how not to get worked up. It's certainly easier said than done.

Did your child have a step-parent?

@Boxdinner668 I get it.

Ex needs to have better comms and say please and thank you. It's the assumption that you and DP will magically read her mind and fall in line with her needs that is rude and unnecessary. It really doesn't need to be like this.

I found it made me much crosser when DH brushed things like this off. All I really needed was him to acknowledge the rudeness "Yeah, you're not imagining it - she changed the plans again and it wouldn't kill her to say please and thank you" and it would have blown over immediately.

Brushing it off leaves you without any validation of your (understandable) feelings.

@TheShellBeach I didn’t have a partner but her dad has a lovely wife. We get on well. I made an effort to ensure their child free time was protected. If I had a partner it may have been different as their child free time meant I had her all to myself and any holiday requests etc meant more me and daughter time so it was good.

I think over time I just came to the realisation that I was wasting my energy. Also DH had addressed a few things with her and it fell on deaf ears. It was clear that us worrying about her behaviour wasn't going to change it and was only ever going to have a negative impact on us.

Your biggest problem is your DP here not considering you. If he wants to be at the beck and call of his ex and take a laid back approach to dealing with her when he's a single man then that's up to him. But he chose to get into a relationship with you and he should be taking you into consideration when he makes these changes. Your time and plans should take priority over his ex's.

Thankfully I've never had this problem with my DH. He's just always put me first.