Talk me down from tiny big annoyance

[Boxdinner668]

I’m finding myself getting angry and upset over assumptions and changes which seem small and ‘innocent’ but have an impact on our life. They are nothing but at the same time provoke strong feelings in me.

Wise step mothers - Am I making a big deal of nothing? Is this just something I have to get over? How do I manage it when I feel angry and irritated. Someone here said you have to have holes in your tongue - how do you do that?

An example, mum asked DP to have SD Sunday night on her weekend, evening collection - all fine. On confirmation, the time was given as mid morning. When queried as a change, she said a relative is on standby (not arranged), no explanation. So we don’t have to change our plans but the assumption is there that a whole Sunday will be changed with no polite request. The only reason we confirmed the time was to ensure our plans were in line.

Am I getting mad over nothing? There was no obligation (although DP agreed straight away) and there is back if we had plans. It’s more the assumption that DP will just do as told (not asked)

The coparenting situation is good, I realise this is minor out of what is written here. It just makes my blood boil when we are so polite and check everything and she tells not asks

If your DP has no issue with it then you have to decide if you're willing to continue living like this for x years. How old is the SC?

Easy to say OP, but you need to breathe deeply and not waste energy.

This said, you could check that your DP has the assertiveness skills to say 'no' to a changed arrangement if it's really important to do so, or if it's a bit of an overstep. They're his kids and so understandibly it's hard to say 'no' especially if 50/50 arrangements were hard to secure in the first place.

The answer as always is to have a pretend 'casual' chat with him about it.

In my experience, it never matters how often we say yes or no to the ex she will decide whether or not we can have a change we request based on her mood that day.

We had SD and SS an extra week when the ex tested positive for COVID. The following month when we tested positive the ex refused to have the kids and even refused to collect 3yo SD from nursery and we had to ask a friend to collect her. She was unemployed at the time so not like she had work commitments. She just stated the kids weren't her responsibility that week and it was our choice to have them when she asked just as it's her choice to tell us no.

Another thing you'll need to just accept is that sometimes you won't always have things the way you want them. My SD has missed out on birthday parties so we've just arranged a playdate the next time she was with us. I'd rather live with this understanding and work around things as best as possible than be constantly under the thumb of the ex. On the rare occasion we have plans when we have SD we will ask my parents rather than the ex. That way we don't have to worry about her cancelling or changing things last minute.

I completely understand where you’re coming from OP, it’s the assumption your time and feelings are of lesser importance.

I really wish I hadn’t let things get to me so much in my own experience. In recent years I’ve used the mantra “if it’s not going to bother you in 5 years time don’t give it more than 5 minutes thought”. It works in all different parts of life. I use it at work when we have difficult clients.

Practice the barking dog routine too. Imagine she’s a barking dog snapping at your ankles and put her outside in the rain where the bark can’t be heard.

Mum can ask she did have a back up plan so I don’t see she’s at fault here. Your husband is. Making agreements without so much as the courtesy to check with you. Hubby problem not an ex problem in my opinion on this example

Stick to your plans. If dh misses out maybe he will consider in future managing the needs of the whole family not just his dd...

@eg94 she didn’t ask, she just said a new time when asked for confirmation. A whole day earlier with no explanation, just an assumption this was ok

I agree you need to find a way to let it go.
I didn't get too wound up because I was not involved in the arrangements between my DH and his exW. I didn't know the gory details of their interactions, agreements or timings. I guess I saw myself as an extra adult in their lives, I didn't try to be a second mother. Ignorance is bliss! Is that a possibility for you?

I would repeat the sentiment from an early poster - this phase is quite short and it will end before you know it so hang on in there any which way and it will be worthwhile. I have a really lovely relationship with my adult DSC, so glad they are in my life.

I do think that you can "train" your response to this kind of thing in the ways that @WillLiveLife suggests - deep breaths, repeating a simple mantra etc. I haven't got an ex wife to contend with but it is useful at work, with teenagers etc. At the moment it sounds like you're letting it bother you more than it should, and you're the one suffering here (ex doesn't care if you're angry or not!).

I actually think this is a DP issue, rather than an ex one.

You had a child-free Sunday planned with DP, seeing your SC in the evening.

DP was asked if he wanted to have his DC all day instead (there was back up if he had plans) and he said yes, without consulting you, meaning your plans for the day changed.

His priority, rightly in my view, is to take the extra time offered with his DC, instead of having one-on-one time with you (which he gets 50% of the week anyway).

If you were hoping for a childfree day chilling at home, you can still have this. Explain to DP that's what you were looking forward to and he can take his SC to the park, cinema and out for dinner or similar.

If you wanted some adult time, call your mates and see if they fancy lunch/brunch/a walk/whatever.

If you wanted some alone time with DP, well I'm afraid you can't have that, because he's chosen to spend time with his child instead. And if that's what's upsetting you, then you need to speak to him about it.

Communication here is key. Your DP should have known what your expectations were for the weekend (had you communicated this to him?) and acted accordingly. But just because he's seeing his DC, doesn't mean you have to.

how did you make the change? What did you do differently? I’m interested in HOW to work this out better for me as I agree I’m getting mad at someone I have no influence over

You're thinking about your emotions as if they are tangible things that you have no choice but to passively experience.

That's the not the case. For any given situation, everyone will experience different emotions. This is because they aren't passive, external things, they come about due to your own previous experiences and internal thought processes, that colour the experience and make you perceive it in a certain way. Situations that we experience anger over are things we believe directly affect us (negatively), things we believe we should have control over but don't, and things we believe shouldn't be happening (things that have a flavour of injustice or unfairness or cruelty, etc) that speak to our own moral values.

Letting a situation filter through these cognitions is actually a choice. If it doesn't pass through those cognitions, then you won't experience the emotion, or will experience a different one in its place.

Your cognitions are totally within your control (with a bit of practice!). Change them. Challenge them. In what way does it directly affect you? Is this really something that is in your power to control? If it is, is it really something you want to go to the effort of changing, or would you be better off just letting it go? What is it about the situation that makes you feel so hard done by, and is that really a true reflection of the actual situation or is a distortion because eg you just don't like mum?

Have a really hard think about what your cognitions are and what you can put in their place. You don't have to tell anyone else what they are, but this works best if you are really honest with yourself, as sometimes the cognitions don't paint us in the best light! If you can get to a point where none of those cognitions apply, you won't feel the associated anger anymore

I thought you said she had family on standby so your hubby could have then said oh I need to check with Lisa or sorry no I have plans need to stick to 5pm please.

I still think hubby is at fault sorry.

@EG94 yes she did. I’m not sure why that alternative wasn’t firmly arranged though, rather than a standby. It wasn’t an ask and here is plan b if not ok, it was an assumption that the change was fine with a caveat of I can make other plans if I must. It may seem like splitting hairs but I just don’t treat people this way

OMG! I love this. I like to roll my eyes and mutter "ooh bitches be crazy".

Because she may have thought that dad actually wanted more time with HIS children rather than have them go elsewhere

Sure I read he has them 50/50 so he has them enough

But if your hubby had a backbone and could stand up to her, her lack of a firm plan would have been her problem. The problem still remains your husband dances to the exs tune and doesn’t consider you when putting her wants and needs firsts. I don’t think you’re ready to see it’s your husbands that’s the problem. I don’t doubt the ex causes other issues where she is 100% at fault but he is part of your frustration.

@EG94 @Flopsythebunny I totally agree with you - it is definitely his management of the situation that’s the issue. He needs to sort it and consider me and our plans rather than take the easy route. I don’t want to be someone who says he can’t see his child, I’m all for being flexible. I just want to be politely asked rather than told. I wouldn’t change plans without explanation to a friend or colleague so I expect the same here. If it’s not given freely then it needs to be managed by my partner as she is out of our control. I suppose I’m asking how not to let it drive me mad whether he says yes or no

the reality is, he is showing up as a dad so he is putting the ex wife first. He needs to hear you. So you either detach but it will always bother you and you’ll gradually resent him, talking from experience, I ended it because he repeatedly danced to her tune and told me what he agreed rather than discussed it with me, or you tell hubby this isn’t on, we’re a team I expect to be involved and I expect when ex wifey asks you check and consider me and us not just her.

We had all this is the early days. DH would have to hop to it, even when it was massive last minute changes. No asking, just telling.

Yet if he asked for the tiniest thing, eg giving a weeks notice that he’d be 20 minutes late picking them up due to a work call, it would spark days and days of angry texts and phone calls. It was very tiresome but gradually it stopped as the kids got older and now she only does it occasionally.

OP, clearly your scared weak "laid back" husband is terrified of his ex and you are collateral damage in this.

Much easier to upset, annoy and disappoint you than challenge her really rude inconsiderate behaviour.

100% a problem with your husband, for as long as you tolerate it.

I fail to see how any woman being treated like this would stick around and find such a man attractive.

You deserve better OP, but that is up to you to realise.

I honestly think it goes with the territory and it's hard to raise it with your partner as he wants to keep the peace with his children's mother, he welcomes extra time with them and he probably feels guilty

I wouldn't waste time getting angry at her, your issue is with DP either not having boundaries or not communicating them or not sticking to them

Then it's up to him to say if the new time doesn't work for him. Yes, it would be more courteous if she checked first, but it sounds like the change wasn't an issue for him.

Think about how it impacts you personally?

You deal with it, by not letting the changes affect any pre existing plans you may have. Don't sweat the small stuff.. Coparenting can be a challenge and recognise that him and his ex have a different way to you and your ex did.

Bottom line, if it works for them, let it be.

Not RTFT properly yet, but it's tough, but you've married into a complex set up, one that involves a child and both parents. Child will always take precedence and that's the right thing do, however the mum had a plan in place if not ok, but the discussions with parents of child aren't like someone asking a fresh favour of just anyone, it's organising the child, their child. I think politeness you're seeking is about you rather than their family, albeit broken, set up, if that makes sense