Costs of bringing up kids that aren't yours

[lespameo]

I am a parent to twins and step parent to 2 girls ages 10 and 8, my partner and I live together and have all 4 kids about 95% of the time. The exes step in once a fortnight for the Saturday (iif they feel up to it).
My ex pays child maintenance which barely scratches the surface but I appreciate its more than some parents get so that's not my beef. My beef is that my partners ex gf doesn't pay a penny towards the girls upbringing, not anything at all. So every single expense is on us. My ex refuses to go at her for child support as he's petrified of rocking the boat and her kicking off. His reasoning is that we can afford it so why get worked up about it. We can afford it but periods of the year like back to school, we have to watch the pursestrings and for me, it's more about the principle. She's having baby number 7 at some point this month, yet doesn't pay towards her 4 older kids? (2 youngest live with her). God I get so wound up about it and I know I need to try let it go so please, any advice on how to do this would be hugely appreciated! My mental health is declining.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks the same way!! Interesting to get others peoples perspectives though because it makes me feel a bit better knowing that there's mixed responses and my partner isn't just being soft!

It's about both.... I need to try stop hating her so much and focus on my life but she does her damned hardest to create misery for me, like talking rubbish about me to the girls and sending nasty messages to my partner when all I have ever done is try to be there for them when she cba! It's so hard. I just hope the girls do start seeing it for themselves in years to come and this difficult period wasn't all for nothing.

Thank you for your words and input. I am going to take this advice on board x

Think her whole family are sick of her to be honest. Her awful behaviour has pushed everyone away. She's a nasty piece of work. Will talk to partner about the child benefit and see what happens on that front

You should absolutely tell CB that they live with you now, and put in a claim with CMS.

But, AFAIK she will only have to pay £7 per week if she isn't working, and that will be split between the 4(?) DC that don't live with her. So you'll get the grand sum of £3.50

Shocking isn't it. Yet she can spit more children out of her vagina like it's nothing and there's another poor child being bought up entirely on taxpayers money.

Your partner needs to stand up for his DD's and claim the child benefit. It belongs to them and he's allowing his ex to profit from it. I wouldn't be happy with this man. If his ex has 6 DC and another on the way she would pay hardly any child maintenance anyway. I'd let that go provided he claimed child benefit.

@caringcarer I said this to him last night and he brushed it off with a casual 'I'll look into it' which means he won't do a thing. Ergh.

Agree with this in its entirety.

Also completely amused at most of people who are saying let it go have commented on other posts in reverse saying suck that dad for everything he's worth money wise even if it's £1 you get, it's the principle- take him to court and a lot of nasty name calling about his parenting skills and him reproducing after the fact.

So weird that there totally different tone to this thread that others. Also really different answers.

Op the SP board is often visited by non step parents and this post will be appearing in active so lots of mums commenting from their perspective, with potentially not understanding the nuances of step parenting.

OP, yours is another thread why women should think long and hard about going near a man with children.

Yanbu to be absolutely fed up of financially supporting children that are not yours, not to mind everything else.

I think you need to find your anger at your partner and report her for fraud.

It is you and not him that is doing the majority of the grunt work I presume?

The difference in costs between 2 and 4 children is huge, and will only get far more expensive.

Definitely claim the child benefit. The cms I would let go if it's going to cause upset for the children. £30 a month isn't worth the trouble it would cause.
I would say the same thing if it was a Dad in this situation. The children's stability and happiness comes first.

So... my partner text her this morning stating he was going to claim the child benefit. Turns out she's been fraudulently claiming child benefit for the past 2 years... she's now refusing to have the girls tonight because he's dared take this money off her. She's a shocker. Ready to drive round and give her what for!!!!! So cross!!!

My response.. I shouldn’t need to give ultimatums for you to see the children you created however if you insist on disrupting them I will be reporting you for fraud.

I think that you need to stop hating her and start feeling sorry for her. She sounds like one of those pathetically pointless people that makes us all wonder about evolution.

Seriously - is she any good at anything? Actually - forget good - is she adequate at anything?

Raising children - she’s shit. Barely sees most of her children. Thinks not seeing her kids is a good punishment for their other parent.

Career - well no.

Relationships - blatantly not. Has she ever had a relationship that lasted more than 5 years?

Family relationships - fallen out with all her family.

Kindness - nope - she keeps damaging her kids with being awful. If she is awful to them I can’t imagine she is working in a soup kitchen in her spare time!

Just so sad really - what a waste of a life!

@EG94 I've just filled in the form and reported her for fraud.

I'm gobsmacked and what she's said to my partner in text! Mainly that he's an 'awful' dad because he's taking her money and stopping her from seeing the kids. Erm... it's not your money! It's the children's money!!! And no one is stopping you from seeing the children! You're using them as a weapon to punish him for daring to claim the benefit that should have been paid here the whole time!

@Mumofteenandtween I really really do need to stop hating her and feel sorry for her. You're right and your message has really hit home. Thank you xx

Are you taking money for your own kids to pay for your boyfriends kids?

Would it not be more fun, and better for your kids, to live separately and just date?

Well done.
To hell with what their father sats, its your home that is housing and paying for them.

I would be looking for back pay.
Make sure that you state she threatened your husband with no contact if he claimed it.

She needs to get into real trouble.
Keep those texts.
All of them, as proof.

How does that help DC?

@StormingNorman it has no effect on dc either way.

Doing it or not doing it is not gonna make a crap parent do better.

It does however mean that mum will suffer the consequences of her actions.

It also means that mum will know not to try and bully her way through life. Bully's are never stopped by people just letting them get away without any consequences.

I say this as a mum.

I think it’s mean-spirited and it absolutely will affect the kids if mum has more problems to deal with.

What has mum really done anyway? One parent or the other would have got child benefit so it doesn’t affect the government coffers ultimately.

She’s made her own problems? Spitting out kids each year and not paying for the ones she already has and has the cheek to claim CB on the flimsy schedule she sees these children who 98% of the time live with their dad and op. What’s mean about claiming benefit for the children that live with you?

let me ask, if this was a dad who paid NO maintenance was irresponsibly reproducing then was upset he couldn’t claim benefit for children he barely sees and doesn’t pay for, would you be saying oh that’s mean to give dad more problems, let him continue to fraudulently claim that money that the kids it’s claimed for don’t see because after all it’s not costing the government anymore

I don’t think mum is living a good life but something inside me dies at the thought of treading so heavily on somebody else’s life.

I find it repulsive that someone would intentionally go out of their way to hurt somebody else. Sorry.

You mean exactly like the mum is doing to her kids by refusing to see them because the RP has said I’m going to claim the benefit the kids are entitled to. Yep makes sense, I agree, shit when people go out of their way to hurt someone else, especially kids right?!

@StormingNorman you find it repulsive that someone would go out of their way to hurt someone else? Ok. Well, I’m sure the children she doesn’t see or care for are going to be very hurt by the arrival of another, AND the fact, if they ever find out, that she is claiming money from tax payers to care for them. But she doesn’t? As these children grow up, they are going to realise exactly who and what their mother is. That, I assure you, will be hurtful. For them.