Costs of bringing up kids that aren't yours

[lespameo]

I am a parent to twins and step parent to 2 girls ages 10 and 8, my partner and I live together and have all 4 kids about 95% of the time. The exes step in once a fortnight for the Saturday (iif they feel up to it).
My ex pays child maintenance which barely scratches the surface but I appreciate its more than some parents get so that's not my beef. My beef is that my partners ex gf doesn't pay a penny towards the girls upbringing, not anything at all. So every single expense is on us. My ex refuses to go at her for child support as he's petrified of rocking the boat and her kicking off. His reasoning is that we can afford it so why get worked up about it. We can afford it but periods of the year like back to school, we have to watch the pursestrings and for me, it's more about the principle. She's having baby number 7 at some point this month, yet doesn't pay towards her 4 older kids? (2 youngest live with her). God I get so wound up about it and I know I need to try let it go so please, any advice on how to do this would be hugely appreciated! My mental health is declining.

Editing due to a typo sorry!

I am a parent to twins and step parent to 2 girls ages 10 and 8, my partner and I live together and have all 4 kids about 95% of the time. The exes step in once a fortnight for the Saturday (iif they feel up to it).
My ex pays child maintenance which barely scratches the surface but I appreciate its more than some parents get so that's not my beef. My beef is that my partners ex gf doesn't pay a penny towards the girls upbringing, not anything at all. So every single expense is on us. My partner refuses to go at her for child support as he's petrified of rocking the boat and her kicking off. His reasoning is that we can afford it so why get worked up about it. We can afford it but periods of the year like back to school, we have to watch the pursestrings and for me, it's more about the principle. She's having baby number 7 at some point this month, yet doesn't pay towards her 4 older kids? (2 youngest live with her). God I get so wound up about it and I know I need to try let it go so please, any advice on how to do this would be hugely appreciated! My mental health is declining.

Split your income; he shouldn’t be expecting to shirk having to ask her for maintenance by getting subsided by you.

You pay for yours; he pays for his.

Realistically, with six (7) children, would she be required to pay much, if any, maintenance anyway?

You pay 50/50 for everything (as you both have two kids). Whether he funds his share from his income or from income + CMS is down to him.

Does she even work?

Realistically, unless the mother is a banker or lawyer with a set of very untypical lifestyle choices, you probably aren't going to be getting very much money out of her anyway. She presumably isn't living in luxury. So while you might get some satisfaction from her putting in £50 a month, it might not be worth the grief that she will give you via your DP and DSDs.

No she has never worked a day in her life from what I'm aware. when we've looked at the cms calculator she'd pay £30 out of her benefits towards the girls which is a contribution at least. Would pay for some of their lunches or go towards their extra curricular activities. As I've said; it's the principle that bothers me and I think he should prove a point to her that money doesn't grow on trees!

You're totally right.... sorry that I needed a stranger to tell me this! Why can't I just accept this and move forwards instead of getting my knickers in a twist and hating her more each day? She would totally make our lives hell over it. In fact she'd probably stop seeing the girls entirely (which is what my partner is petrified of) so we'd never get a break!

Does your partner claim their child benefit?

@TomatoSandwiches thats a good point

OP I think I’d feel the same as you, it makes me equally angry when men have large numbers of kids they can’t/ won’t afford and also see them rarely.

I think your anger is probably also a bit more than just about the money, right? It’s the idea that not only does bio mum refuse to take financial responsibility she also hurts the girls by not seeing them AND adds insult to injury by having more children. It makes your dsd seem so disposable to her. I’m furious on the girls behalf too.

What boat would he be rocking? She's does F all by the sound of it!!

If she has 7 kids the likelihood is what she would pay towards them if she was forced to would be minimal and unlikely worth the hassle, so I think I’m with your DP here.

I understand why it’s frustrating though but sometimes it’s just not an argument worth having.

No, again, he doesn't want to rock the boat. He earned over the initial £60k threshold but that has since changed so I've told him he should claim it now. If she's still claiming it, it's fraud as they've not lived with her for over 2 years!

And this is where my frustration lies. I do all the shitty jobs and she just sees them once a fortnight and the kids think the sun shines out of her arse!
He doesn't want to rock the boat cos I genuinely don't think she'd give two hoots about them in reality and would cancel all future visits to make a point against him and then he'd have to deal with 2 extremely upset children who just want to see their mum.

As someone wise once said, you can't always choose your situation, but you can choose how you react to it. Your DSCs are already dealing with their own issues, and they will come to appreciate you more as they get older. And even if they don't, you can only be the best (step-)parent that you can for all of your family. Don't poison things just for the sake of spiting her; the momentary satisfaction would be huge but it wouldn't be worth it.

Does the 30 pound really matter in the grand scheme? The kids know where their family and home is. Surely they're more important than "principle".

Although I'm coming at it from the other side. DP supports me as a SAHM to our two children. Only one being genetically his. We are paying court costs due to ex being a fucking nightmare. We refuse to claim child support off him, becuase we don't need his money to look after our family. I have an income from property that makes half of what he does, but it's all just our family money for looking after our children.

I think when you've combined your family with young children involved and they live in your home you can't do the whole "not my kids" thing.

its not proving a point to her though is it. It’s about proving the point that what you say goes. Classic one upmanship.

And be honest, I bet you would pay £30 to avoid that situation (for their sake, if not your own).

She is definitely in the wrong and I can see why you are so annoyed but I think your partner is right that it’s not worth the hassle it will cause, as well as the upset to the children.

Amusing read because if this post was about a dad not paying most would be saying take him through cms he should contribute at least.

I understand being right will take far more effort and upset than accepting she’s a useless benefit baby producer.

I think you should bide your time, I imagine your sc will see through her in the not too distant future and likely cut contact with her themselves

This is one thing that winds me up but actually all we’d get from the ex is about £25 a month and I’d rather do it without than have her be able to say she contributes when that’s next to nothing. I’m hoping when she’s older she’ll appreciate it

This is fascinating. Thread after thread about going after Dads for every last penny yet in OPs case £200pcm (estimated maintenance plus child benefit for x2 kids) is nothing and "not worth rocking the boat". 🥴
I'd be rocking that boat to get everything those kids are entitled to and if it means that their mother doesn't want to see them then all you've done is rid them of a sub standard human being who doesn't really love or value them at all. Win win in my eyes.

Is it about the money or is the money a signifier that she is a terrible parent.

You have more control over the former and none over the latter.

You could pursue her over the money but you'll probably make you feel worse as she'll always find ways to not pay.

If about the latter you really can't do anything about that and there must be something going on for her to make these choices.

What does holding on to this give you?

I've been in the situation of those children.

Honestly, let it go. No good will come of it and it will just make things worse if you pursue it. You will be the evil sm who alienated their mother.

The children are desperate to have a relationship with their mother, it's normal and their worshipping her is a way of attempting to do that. Nothing to do with anything else, and you would damage them to get in the way of it.

Principles don't matter in parenting, only the interests of the children. It sucks, but it's the way it is. Do right by them and get satisfaction from knowing you are doing that.

I can understand leaving the CMS but there's no reason not to claim child benefit. He needs to put in an application for this. If she kicks off he can tell her that times are hard and he's not claiming CMS. She won't want him claiming both so will back off. If she doesn't put in a claim for CMS as there's nothing to lose at that point. Are there any grandparents on her side who could help out of she disappears?

Thank you for your reply xxx