When you want to blend a family....

[Blushingm]

I've been with DP around 2 1/2 years. My DC are grown up - DD is off to uni now and DS is 23 and working full time.

DP and I have discussed that we would love to live together - it makes sense with regard to being a couple and also financially.

He has 2 DS. Aged 12 & 15. He has them almost 50/50 with his exw (6 days out of 14). His eldest DS refuses to even talk about me, let alone meet me and won't say why. The youngest is really laid back and has no issue.

How can we over come this? Has anyone else come up against this and how did you over come it?

Sounds like a non starter.

Mmmm. Sorry, I didn't move in with dp until our youngest child had started at uni. Even that was pushing it, and it has definitely affected the relationship with that child. I'm afraid what makes sense 'as a couple' doesn't always make sense as a family.

15 is a particularly tricky age and not a time I would choose to upend their lives. I'd make plans to go on living apart.

You can wait to live together until his child is older

What does your partner think about the situation- what is his approach to it? Does he try to talk to his son or does he avoid the situation for a quiet life/still seeing his son?
if you did decide to go ahead and do it in the hope that he came round- he may never visit or your life could be hell 50 % of the time

Why can't you not just wait? Surely considering the 15yo feelings is more important than anything else?

Just wait. He won't be 15 forever. He's much more likely to come round eventually if you all respect his feelings now. These feelings might not seem rational to you as an adult, but he is allowed to have irrational feelings, because he's 15.

Wait it out.

Forcing the issue is unlikely to end well..

DP has tried to find out why his DS doesn't want to even meet me but his DS refuses to even discuss it

We don't mean I move in tomorrow - it's more about his DS even meeting me. He knows I'm there with his dad when the boys are with their mum - he says this is fine but won't even discuss meeting me. We just don't know what to do

Last thing DP wants to do is force anything - and I agree with him

We wouldn't just go ahead and move in together unless both his DS were ok either it

What you do is continue your current relationship til his kids have left home.

You're a brave (or mad?) woman for wanting to endure adolescence x 2 again when you are only just past it!

This.
Absolute no brainer. Its only 3 years until the eldest goes to uni. Maybe the youngest won't mind as much, or by then you will have been together longer. Leave it.

How long had your DP been single before you met?

I would meet the child that’s laid back and build a relationship with him. I agree with other to wait until their old and not living with Dad before move in and together.

If you don't want to force anything, which is absolutely the right thing to do, and the child doesn't want to meet you or even talk about why he doesn't want to, then there's nothing you can do is there.

Just wait.

This really made me smile!!!!

DP had been moved out for about 8 months before we met, though he didn't tell his DSs that he'd met me til we'd been together over a year

I know the eldest DS has a bit of a bumpy relationship with his mum and found his dad moving out quite difficult - he was 12 at the time

Just wait…

He knows I'm there with his dad when the boys are with their mum - he says this is fine but won't even discuss meeting me. We just don't know what to do

There's nothing to do. I wouldn't even waste time thinking about it. Moving in together clearly isn't going to happen for a long, long time.

I've been with my partner for two years and we both have kids ranging from 15-24. We are not living together until the youngest have gone to uni. We do all get open though and have been on holidays together.

You're just going to have to wait. See if it lasts and then when his kids have left home you can move in. They probably won't be happy with that either and they'll just resent you. No point sugarcoating it. Teens is a tricky age to try and blend.

So a decent human being wouldn't even consider making this kid's life harder by dad moving his girlfriend, who may or may not last, into the house where the child lives for part of the week.

He might never agree to speak to you. There are plenty if threads on here attesting to that is this what you want for life? Excluded from family events etc. I would think long and hard about whether this is what you want long term.

I’m not sure you’re on the right board……or you’ve not read things correctly.

if his DS isn’t happy then I’d not be moving in……..that’s the whole point!!! People on this board have blended families so have experience and I was asking for advice. If you’re going to be nasty just move along