When you want to blend a family....

[Blushingm]

I've been with DP around 2 1/2 years. My DC are grown up - DD is off to uni now and DS is 23 and working full time.

DP and I have discussed that we would love to live together - it makes sense with regard to being a couple and also financially.

He has 2 DS. Aged 12 & 15. He has them almost 50/50 with his exw (6 days out of 14). His eldest DS refuses to even talk about me, let alone meet me and won't say why. The youngest is really laid back and has no issue.

How can we over come this? Has anyone else come up against this and how did you over come it?

My advice for what it's worth, DO NOT move in together - for your own sake as much as anything.
Your partner & you are entitled to happiness and his kid doesn't get to dictate that. So he shouldn't hide his relationship with you or pretend you're not important.
But he doesn't get to call the shots - he's a kid.
But moving in together will be shit. Wait it out.

Honestly I would walk away. This may never change, and there’s no way of knowing so i would cut my losses now.

And tbh if my dc had refused to talk about or meet my partner I would have ended the relationship and waited until they had left home.

I know that people say you’re entitled to a life etc but so are the dc. And there’s far too much expectation that children should just go along with what their parents want.

If he refuses to meet you need to respect that. Obviously you can't move in. All you can do is be open to meeting him if he changes his mind.

And move in when he's an adult.

The only thing you can do is give it time. No pressure at all. He may never want to have a relationship with you and that's ok.
I say this a lot on these threads but he didn't choose this, he didn't choose to have new partners in his parents lives. He doesn't have to like or accept you because his dad does.

You need to decide whether you're happy with how things are now for the next 3-5 years at least. But even into adulthood his kids will still be a big part of his lives I'd hope.

Just because you're in a relationship you don't have to live together and completely blend your lives unless you really want to.

What would you do if your sons were refusing to meet your partner?

I think the choices are - wait it out, force the son and risk estrangement or end the relationship.

If you push ahead to live together do so with an exit strategy I.e keep your finances on a solid basis rather than risk buying together.

Don't do it OP.
Don't even consider it.
You will bitterly regret it.
Living with someone with teens who shows you in a 100 different ways how much they despise your presence in their lives and home is hellish.
No man is worth it.

This is up to this father and son to resolve between them.
You could be any woman in this situation.
It is not your problem to fix.
Seriously rethink this relationship as it could be years and years of it while you hang around and wait.
Alternatively you force the move and end up as skivvy for a teen who ignores you in your home.
Nightmare stuff.

One benchmark should be being able to go on a holiday and for everyone to be happy to be together.

Be wary of wasting years of your life in a stressful toxic situation.

How would you feel if he never changes his view and continues to bring his apathy towards you into his adult relationships?

How many posters have written how they bitterly regret the decade wasted of their life, when things never ever improved.

Value yourself and your peace.

What a difficult situation. Could you wait until his children are much older and have left home?
The teenage years are so tricky, it seems very risky to push ahead despite the resistance you have already encountered.

OP I think it's the way you've written the post. I get now that you're looking at ways to improve/start a relationship with your partners son, I think we've all read it as you wanting advice on how to get to the point of moving in. I just wanted to mention that as I'm seeing the responses and then what you're trying to say as two different things.

You've had good advice here, I'm not in a relationship, I broke up with a partner (who has no kids) partly because the kids were just not enjoying their time with me being split with him (and he was driving me nuts too). I think you have to just bide your time for now or really think about if this is what you want. I think we got sold the idea that we can move on, but it's not the same, there's lots to consider and not all of it easy.

simple

time

do not move in, do not blend. Just date.

his son should be his priority above a girlfriend of 2 years

we have read it like that

be sure if you reread the title and op - that is what she is saying. She wants to live with her partner and blend families

it makes sense financially for you, dependent free, to live with your boyfriend and his two young sons?

doesn’t sound like it makes sense for you

If you move in and it doesn't work out with the son, where can you go? Will you have given up your house? Who needs to live with a teenager you can't even discipline yourself!

for over 2 years this boy has refused to even meet the op

the child sounds so far removed to “blending” families as he could be and ludicrous to consider this being an option until basically he’s moved out

Don’t do it. Wait until the kid is 18 which is only in 3 years time. Could you look at buying something closer to your DP so that you can pop in and out when the kids aren’t around and feel a bit closer?

I own my own house - I would likely rent it out initially

I think this is what we may do - the last thing either of us want is his DS being upset of uncomfortable in his home or DP and his DS relationship suffering

If we need to wait then we will wait.

I'd never move in without establishing a good relationship with his DS - he's their dad and they need to be happy as his home is also their home. But ultimately we would like to get to the point of eventually living together........but at the moment his eldest DS won't even discuss me

I think unfortunately you’ll just have to wait. It sounds like it’s not to do with you personally but just the situation. The only way might be your dp selling it as a good financial option - even if just for when his ds goes to uni and will need more financial support. He could lay the groundwork now for that.

Yet again another dad contemplating moving in a new girlfriend of 2 years.

You say the son aged 12 is laid back. Just wait for another year or so and you'll see just how laid back he isn't. You have a very long road ahead of you as dad's girlfriend, in excess of 6 years if you do what's right for the children involved.

Honestly OP this is a recipe for disaster. Blended families are hard, even when everyone gets on well - believe me. I would just continue as you are until they are 18.

@summerdress81 he won't take about me, let alone meet me

I'm not meaning we want to move in tomorrow - but to build a relationship to start with