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Step-parenting

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Help….WWYD?

59 replies

Hye000 · 25/08/2024 15:58

Long standing history here but the situation as it stands is that my daughter sees her dad once a week (used to be all weekend but had reduced due to issues with step mother). SM is not nice to my daughter & makes her feelings known depending on what mood she is in each week, it appears to be a jealousy issue. All kicked off a few weeks ago where SM had some sort of breakdown on the one day my daughter sees her dad and along with some other things, she said some extremely horrible things to my DD and also in front of my DD about her dad, SM is suicidal at times (not in front of my child). This has gone on for years up and down and has progressively got worse to the point that I do not trust her around my daughter. If she would threaten to take her own life, what would stop her doing something to my DD! This is part of the reason she doesn’t stay all weekend anymore, partly because she doesn’t feel welcome in many ways and partly because of the way she is made to feel and spoken to by SM when she’s ‘having a bad day’.Dad claims she has poor MH etc but that’s not my problem. SM has a child of her own who has everything but begrudges my daughter to even go to the park with her dad when he has her for a couple of hours once a week or times how long it takes to drop her off home.

what would you do in my situation? I don’t want him to stop seeing his daughter and I also don’t want to be the CF who tells him he has to choose, I understand she has a long history of mental ill health but I honestly don’t trust her with my child. I have now said he can see her but she cannot be around his wife, is this something sustainable long term… I don’t know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Hoardasurass · 29/08/2024 07:50

@Hye000 I've only read your post so someone has probably said this already but if the sm is as bad as you say and was found on a bridge phone ss and report her as neither your dd or her step sister should be anywhere near her, I know that this woman's dd is not your problem but someone needs to protect her from her mum and having ss turn up might just give your ex the kick up the arse he that he needs to protect his dd and sdd from this woman's abuse

HazelWicker · 29/08/2024 08:11

Blows my mind people saying it's not your problem or leave it to her dad..! You are doing the right thing by safeguarding her. She's not an experiment you can leave to it and see how she turns out as an adult being exposed to all of this.

I would stand in her corner and say she doesn't want to go round and if her dad pulls his finger out great and if not that's on him and a fizzling out relationship with him will be better than being exposed to all that crap. Good for you standing up for your girl (single mum to a 4YO DD).

socks1107 · 29/08/2024 08:12

There's two things to this, first 12 year olds can lie and start to play parents off against each other. She's at an age where your home is maybe more important and she wants to be there more so is coming up with reasons for you to stop her going.
I've been both sides of this with my sd and my own dds. I'm not saying she's doing this but it's certainly something to consider.
I never took much notice of what my dds said as none of it needed safe guarding but was much like the things your dd is saying.

Secondly the contact she has isn't working for her so as adults you need to be flexible and adapt it so she's happy and feels secure but also that the adults are on board with any changes.

Maybe some mediation will help you reach a new way forward?

Hye000 · 29/08/2024 09:26

socks1107 · 29/08/2024 08:12

There's two things to this, first 12 year olds can lie and start to play parents off against each other. She's at an age where your home is maybe more important and she wants to be there more so is coming up with reasons for you to stop her going.
I've been both sides of this with my sd and my own dds. I'm not saying she's doing this but it's certainly something to consider.
I never took much notice of what my dds said as none of it needed safe guarding but was much like the things your dd is saying.

Secondly the contact she has isn't working for her so as adults you need to be flexible and adapt it so she's happy and feels secure but also that the adults are on board with any changes.

Maybe some mediation will help you reach a new way forward?

I am a SM also and agree that kids can play parents off against each other (been there with my SD) but when I have approached her dad about things SD has said, they have all been true! I have let it go on for this long because of being a SM myself and knowing blended families are hard work and kids are a pain in the arse. But this woman just does everything she can to make DD feel not part of their family. Even when they moved house, my daughter was upset because she was given the ‘box room’ I explained to her that she was only there on weekends and that’s just the way it is, I don’t run shouting and screaming everything she complains about something. It’s when I can see the sly emotional abuse that gets my back up because I’ve had the same done to me and it’s soul destroying.

OP posts:
beachcitygirl · 01/09/2024 04:12

Protect your DD. If he wants to maintain the relationship he does it away from his wife.
My every sympathy x

nootcoffee · 02/10/2024 19:23

Sounds absolutely awful for you poor daughter 😞

nootcoffee · 04/10/2024 07:54

bloody hell

all sounds so toxic 😞

Toomanysquishmallows · 05/10/2024 05:45

Hi , firstly this woman’s mental health isn’t your issue . It always amazes me on here that women are supposed to be empathetic to new partners whatever they are like . You are doing absolutely the right thing safeguarding your daughter.

RichTea90 · 06/10/2024 22:36

If it was me, I would take this up with your DD’s father.

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