Help….WWYD?

[Hye000]

Long standing history here but the situation as it stands is that my daughter sees her dad once a week (used to be all weekend but had reduced due to issues with step mother). SM is not nice to my daughter & makes her feelings known depending on what mood she is in each week, it appears to be a jealousy issue. All kicked off a few weeks ago where SM had some sort of breakdown on the one day my daughter sees her dad and along with some other things, she said some extremely horrible things to my DD and also in front of my DD about her dad, SM is suicidal at times (not in front of my child). This has gone on for years up and down and has progressively got worse to the point that I do not trust her around my daughter. If she would threaten to take her own life, what would stop her doing something to my DD! This is part of the reason she doesn’t stay all weekend anymore, partly because she doesn’t feel welcome in many ways and partly because of the way she is made to feel and spoken to by SM when she’s ‘having a bad day’.Dad claims she has poor MH etc but that’s not my problem. SM has a child of her own who has everything but begrudges my daughter to even go to the park with her dad when he has her for a couple of hours once a week or times how long it takes to drop her off home.

what would you do in my situation? I don’t want him to stop seeing his daughter and I also don’t want to be the CF who tells him he has to choose, I understand she has a long history of mental ill health but I honestly don’t trust her with my child. I have now said he can see her but she cannot be around his wife, is this something sustainable long term… I don’t know what to do for the best.

Lol… demonising this woman. She does the exact same things as what my SM did to me that’s why I compare them like this. She’s absolutely not unstable at all & wasn’t found standing on a bridge a few weeks back, yep, I’m just being dramatic and my child is too.

Thanks for the advice, have a good day :)

I am SM myself and have had really difficult times just like you. That’s exactly the reason why I have continued to send my child for so long as I knew that blending families is bloody hard and kids are a pain in the arse, I have done everything I can to not make their lives any harder and have tried to get along with SM when possible but there are things I just cannot ignore or put down to being one sided!

Thank you so much for this, I knew that I’m not the person that is being portrayed here.

my childhood sounds identical to yours and I can see my daughters childhood being the same with her Dad. I had no mother to protect me and I lived with my Dad & SM, my DD is lucky she doesn’t have to live there and be subjected to this daily.

I agree, the holiday isn’t important in comparison to what she is being subjected to. My DD is very hard faced and has broad shoulders but I saw how vulnerable and crushed she was when she returned that day when it all kicked off. She can still recall the things she has said to her years and years ago, that long term damage will continue. I
just wanted some advice as I am obviously going to be protective due to seeing things taking place that I was subjected to and not wanting my daughter to go through that and not have an outlet.

i appreciate your comment ❤️

This is all so familiar to me. There is a ‘mildly abusive’ step mum playbook. But it is insidious and can cause lasting damage to your DD’s sense of self-worth and leave vulnerabilities such as people pleasing which make life harder as an adult.

You have every right to protect her from her father who is allowing this to happen. Sadly, many men will turn a blind eye to their wives doing this because cooking, cleaning, sex.

You are doing the right thing being the advocate for your daughter. And like you, I also wish I had a mum who stepped in but sadly not.

You have no responsibility towards this woman's mental health issues. Your responsibility is towards your daughter and ensuring the cycle of damage is broken.

You have experience of being a step mum in a blended family and what that entails, so don't let anyone guilt trip you into thinking you have to see it from the SMs point of view. You've already walked that mile. That's not your concern in all this and your daughter shouldn't have to just put up with it to make the adults lives easier.

Have you taken steps now to limit the contact? how has her dad reacted?

Don't be surprised if he reduces contact. A lot of men are just weak and don't put their own kids first. It's really sad but he is part of the problem as well so possibly to be expected.

Ignoring the massive drip feed...

IF this woman is as bad as you say, then stop trying to keep the peace and protect your daughter. What sort of mother allows their child to be put in these situations continually.

You day you don't want your daughter to suffer the same childhood you did and yet you are allowing exactly that to happen.

Step up and protect your child.

Thank you, although I agree that he is allowing it and not doing enough to stop it, I feel he is very downtrodden and she regularly threatens suicide and physically assaults him.

my daughter is being pushed out of her dads life.
this is HIS choice, he can advocate for his child and in reality a decent man would not subject his child to this person. Stop blaming the SM.

Thank you very much.

it’s hard being a child in that situation when you have no one to speak up for you.

I have limited it to not allowing her to go anywhere where SM will be, she can still see her dad as long as he does not take her home if she is there. Do I continue this forever? I just don’t know where to go from here, I can’t see her ever changing and I don’t want to take any changes exposing her again, SM doesn’t make any effort to have a positive relationship with DD so there’s no love loss there.

I don’t speak to my SM at all now I’m an adult and I can imagine my DD will end up the same way. She even removed my DD from the ‘Family’ WhatsApp group they have, it’s all just petty shit, it irritates me that she gets off on making a child feel bad.

She sounds horrendous. He needs to leave this abusive relationship for his own sake and so he can be a better father to your daughter.

Fab, thanks 👌🏽

I would keep that arrangement in place until she is at least 16. Then at that point she can chose what she wants to do. At 16 you can really vote with your feet and physically get yourself out of a situation that is turning toxic. When you're younger you don't have that power.

How has her father reacted to the new setup? is he still engaging with his daughter?

I have kept in contact with my Dad, purely to keep an eye on him. It feels like he's in a domestic abuse scenario and I don't want him to become isolated. He's not a strong man and avoids conflict but has very much contributed to the situation, I do see that clearly however painful it is. I still care about him and I know he has a lot of regrets about how things turned out. He has to phone me when his wife is out otherwise she takes over the conversation and insists he puts our call on speaker phone. She doesn't do this with anyone else who calls. It's very strange.

Give your daughter lots of reassurance and tell her the WhatsApp group doesn't matter. It's better she has peace and stability than is around toxic environments.

Could you change contact a bit so it doesn't involve step mum? Weekly outing with jusf dad, dinner out, a movie, doing a physical activity/class/shared hobby together.

Thank you, I think i will do that. she has no desire to be around her anymore but I’m sure as a child, she has fear of missing out but realistically she’s not missing anything good as when there’s something good happening, she doesn’t get invited! Her dad has seen her away from SM since as I have made it clear he can see her but not at his house if SM is there. He has taken DD out with SM’s child the last couple times he’s seen her, she’s not had any time with him one to one as I’m sure SM won’t allow it. If he does anything with just my DD, SM says he’s favouriting her despite SM’s daughter living with them permanently and not seeing her bio dad ever so she has plenty of one to one time with my DD dad.

I feel sad that you are unable to even have a conversation with your dad when SM is there, my SM is the same. I rarely go to my dads house, although SM never comes out of her bedroom anyway, she still controls how long he is out of the house so when he comes to mine she’s on the phone rushing him home.

That’s what I have done since, he is allowed to pick her up as long as he doesn’t take her home if SM is there. He’s seen her since and they have spent time out of the house away from SM

You need to free your daughter from this situation but at the same time you don’t want this women to alienate her from her Dad - which is probably what she wants!

If you have a good relationship with her dad I would have a serious chat with him about his own situation and that you don’t want his long term relationship with your DD to be ruined. I would suggest that he spend a small amount of time with DD each week on his own. Better to have less time that is regular and good quality. This is of course if he is allowed by the controlling wife!

I would make it so that she doesn’t have to see her at all.

Thank you very much. She absolutely does want to force them apart, that’s the only reason why she moans if he takes her to McDonalds and eats in instead of going through the drive thru, it’s pathetic, can’t stand the thought of him spending 30mins in McDonalds with her on his own. I’ve spoken to him but I think I will speak to him again and make it clear that this is a long term change and unfortunately he will now not be having her at Xmas or holidays etc.

I would like him to spend some time with her on his own without her child being there as I can imagine she will be interrogating her daughter about what they did and where they went etc.

You sound like a great mum. Your daughter will thank you for standing up for her when she's older.

One good thing that came out of my situation is I don't stand for any nonsense when it comes to my kids. I'm the complete opposite of what I experienced from parenting. They know I've got their backs no matter what. I'm really happy a positive has come out of a negative.

Thank you, you are too. Our children are very lucky to have us looking out for them and ensuring they do not feel as though they have to put up with abusive behaviour from family or anyone in fact! xx

Only on mumsnet must there be two sides to the story when it involves a woman being a bitch. If this was a man posting about the mother and step father he would be told to keep the daughter away from this clearly abusive man, that his ex wife is a victim and if he does nothing then he’s condoning the abuse and was probably abusive himself hence why he’s being passive.

TBH I don’t think most women are cut out to be stepmothers. They’re obviously not all unhinged head cases like your DD’s stepmum, but you only have to look at the step parenting board to see the amount of resentment there is towards step children.

There are men who aren’t cut out for it either fwiw, but they typically either need to put up if the kids live there full time, or the woman in question tends to get rid.

I would tell your ex that your DD doesn’t want to visit his house and won’t be. That she is old enough now to make her own decisions, and that if he’s not careful he runs the real risk of losing her.

This is the solution I would have suggested.

It’s awful that your ex has failed to step up for DD in the last decade. It’s sad that he is prepared to see less of her and not have her in his home now. If anything, this new arrangement should have prompted him to see how bad things are and take a stand.

Thank you very much, Mumsnet got me thinking it’s me who’s the nutcase! 🙄

It’s quite sad really as 10years ago he would NEVER have allowed anything or anyone to come between him and his children. He’s always been an amazing dad to all of his kids and taken on children that weren’t biologically his as his own. I feel like he has been trodden down so much that he is losing sight of what’s important and allowing his wife to cost him his relationship with his kids. Very sad. A lot of men do it though, shame for the children to come second to women who knew the man had kids before they decided to enter into a relationship knowing that they come as a package!

TBH I don’t think most women are cut out to be stepmothers. They’re obviously not all unhinged head cases like your DD’s stepmum, but you only have to look at the step parenting board to see the amount of resentment there is towards step children.

In fact resentment discussed on the SM board is not usually about the children but weak parenting, usually the dad, sometimes the mum, often both. Not saying all stepmothers are great. This one clearly is deeply unpleasant.

What? It's not OP's job to have compassion for this woman's mental health, it's her job to safeguard her daughter. As if compassion for the woman who is abusing her daughter would be more of a priority for the OP than actually protecting the child.

It's not just up to the dad. The dad is weak and a coward and is standing by and allowing everything to unfold right in front of him. If he isn't going to take action to protect his daughter, OP will have to take the lead (and has already).