Help….WWYD?

[Hye000]

Long standing history here but the situation as it stands is that my daughter sees her dad once a week (used to be all weekend but had reduced due to issues with step mother). SM is not nice to my daughter & makes her feelings known depending on what mood she is in each week, it appears to be a jealousy issue. All kicked off a few weeks ago where SM had some sort of breakdown on the one day my daughter sees her dad and along with some other things, she said some extremely horrible things to my DD and also in front of my DD about her dad, SM is suicidal at times (not in front of my child). This has gone on for years up and down and has progressively got worse to the point that I do not trust her around my daughter. If she would threaten to take her own life, what would stop her doing something to my DD! This is part of the reason she doesn’t stay all weekend anymore, partly because she doesn’t feel welcome in many ways and partly because of the way she is made to feel and spoken to by SM when she’s ‘having a bad day’.Dad claims she has poor MH etc but that’s not my problem. SM has a child of her own who has everything but begrudges my daughter to even go to the park with her dad when he has her for a couple of hours once a week or times how long it takes to drop her off home.

what would you do in my situation? I don’t want him to stop seeing his daughter and I also don’t want to be the CF who tells him he has to choose, I understand she has a long history of mental ill health but I honestly don’t trust her with my child. I have now said he can see her but she cannot be around his wife, is this something sustainable long term… I don’t know what to do for the best.

What age is your DD? I don't think you should do anything. Ultimately, it's up to your ex to stand up to his partner when she tries to get in the way of his spending time with his DD. If he doesn't then it's only a matter of time before she'll want to stop contact herself.

I think your DD's dad should have sufficient common sense/parenting skills to know that he needs to see your DD away from his wife.

Could he see her more frequently but for less time, maybe take her out for dinner one evening a week plus spend one weekend morning/afternoon with her? They need to have some ring fenced time together.

What's your relationship with her Dad like? Is he approachable/reasonable?

My DD is 12, SM begrudges any time spent with DD and makes a point of saying that DD is his ‘favourite’ despite him having other children and him help raise her own daughter who doesn’t see her bio dad. If he takes her to get a McDonald’s on his way to drop her off home she goes mad or he has to lie about where he’s been. She is a control freak.

I get on with her Dad just fine, again SM hates this and makes remarks about him still wanting to be with me, he has made comments about her being angry if she knew he was speaking to me when we have attending somewhere for our daughter

Honestly, this is not your problem. If he's stupid enough to tolerate this then that's on him.

My SM was the same. My dad was weak.

Don’t make your daughter go if she doesn’t want to. When dad asks why, you can tell him. What he does then is up to him.

I hope it all works out for your DD x

It is my problem when my daughter is being pushed out of her dads life. She used to go every weekend and now she barely sees him for a few hours once a week and it’s awkward if she’s there. Do I say shes not to go there anymore or what? I don’t know what’s safe for my daughter, I don’t want her to grow up with anxiety because her SM makes her feel intimidated and an unwanted inconvenience! I had a SM very similar and I grew up living on egg shells and unable to get away, she kicked me out when I was 18, did me a favour in hindsight! I’m just trying to protect my daughter the way I was never protected.

I think you need to safeguard your child against her step mother. She is mentally abusing her. Poor mental health is not an excuse to be mean.
Can her dad take her out for the day? Could they watch movies at yours with a takeaway and you go out or relax in another room? i know that’s not ideal but you say you get on ok so maybe it’s a possibility?
what does your dd think? She’s 12 so can voice her opinion.

I just mean, if she stops seeing her dad then that's all his own fault. You can partly blame the SM but essentially her dad is allowing it to happen. He is the one with the responsibility to his DD, not the SM. He is allowing his DD to be pushed out. He doesn't deserve her.

You don't say anything to your daughter apart from supporting her. She is old enough to decide if she still wants to go to her dads. If she does then great but I'm sure she'll soon tell him if she doesn't.

As pp have said, it's his relationship with his wife. He needs to deal with that. If you are on such good terms with him then perhaps tell him to grow a backbone or he might lose his daughter.

Absolutely! I’ve said to her Dad that his wife’s MH should not become my DD’s problem and eventually SM’s MH is going to give my daughter MH problems from it. She is also going to do the same to her own daughter who has to live with her mood swings and erratic behaviour. I have to protect my kids at child at all costs. I’ve said he can see her but she is not allowed to his house or around his wife. So my DD missed out on a holiday with them, so unfair but her safety is more important, just a sad situation. I told him he’s going to lose his relationship with his kids if he doesn’t do something but he’s stuck between a rock and a hard place. She has always been jealous and unfair towards my DD, I thought things would have changed as the years went by, it’s just got worse. The last breakdown was the worst and I couldn’t believe the things she said in front of her, I felt extremely sad for DD and I worry if she would ever bring harm to her

DD doesn’t want to be around her anymore & feels very intimidated by her, she does still want a relationship with her Dad and feels very torn because of this

All you can do is support your DD. Her SM's mental health will hopefully improve, you say you get along fine with her DF,you need to either trust him or not. Being suicidal doesn't necessarily make you a risk to children, it's really hard to have depression and you clearly have no compassion for this woman's struggles. If it's true that SM is being unkind or unreasonable around the kids it's up to DF to mediate and stop it from happening.

You can't do anything to change the situation, take DD's lead. No SM can push apart a father and daughter unless the father let's it happen. This woman is just a person, she can't control your her husband any more than you can control anyone else. He's making his decisions, he needs to take responsibility if it's affecting his DD this much.

You seem to know an awful lot about this woman and what she says and does and most of it I think ok dd has told you but the McDonald’s on the way home and him being raked over the coals, how do you know about that exactly?! I’ll guess your ex has told you. So I’m going to go out on a limb here and says your ex is the problem not the SM. The Sm clearly and understandably from many sm’s pov objects to him being overly friendly with you and spending time and exchanging messages with you. He’s carried on doing it to the point he discloses to you, the ex, his wife’s insecurities. I’m not surprised she’s gotten worse and not better. He also should have sorted this out long before now and frankly minimised contact with you out of respect for his current wife, and told his wife to back the fuck off with his daughter. It seems mentioned a lot you say he has other kids.. are these other kids not yours? Dd is only yours? If you have more than DD with him again it seems clear to me that she is favoured by both of you, again I can see why that would be tiring as a SM.

i totally see why you have no compassion for this woman, she’s allegedly said terrible things to and about your DD. No one has actually tried to help this woman tho it seems and you said step mum makes her feel unwanted but your daughter just missed out on a holiday which she was clearly welcome to attend.

I’ll be honest, I don’t know how much of this is true, how much is kid playing parents off and how much is a shitty ex still enjoying your attention and puts his wife down so you feel better.

anyways whatever the truth, leave your DD and her dad to it. She is old enough to speak for herself. I’d stop communicating with your ex on behalf of your daughter and encourage your daughter to speak to her dad directly. Let them have a conversation stop being the middle man.

then you have to sit back and be ready to pick up the pieces

You really did go out on a limb and got it all totally wrong….

yes my DD has told me some things because she came home upset and shocked at the things that has been said to her and in front of her. The other things that my Ex has told me have been face to face so SM wouldn’t know that I am aware of these things as I stopped communications with her a while back when she has previously treated my daughter badly and I knew that me communicating with SM would just make it worse as I was mad about it as any mom would be!!! I have never repeated anything he has told me, the reason he has told me some things is because my daughter comes home upset and when she arrives I know straight away something is wrong so he tells me before my child does.

I have no compassion for her mental health as she takes it out on my child!!! I had a SM who treated me badly and it’s nothing to do with her mental ill health, she just hates that her husband has other children and can’t get over this fact. He has other children with someone else who are grown up so no other ex involved except me. He rarely sees those children either as his home is not very welcoming. My daughter didn’t attend the holiday as she was emotionally abused by her SM just a couple of weeks beforehand and was worried about spending a whole week, day & night with SM after what she had experienced!

I am not playing ‘middle man’, my child is 12 FGS she’s not an adult, I am her advocate and I will absolutely be there to protect her when I feel she is at risk.

not all people with mental health are a risk to children but the hate that this woman shows to my child makes me feel as though she is a risk to my child as she has personal dislike for everything and anything her father does for her!

This.

For god's sake, stop sending her to that toxic and abusive environment.

How many other kids does he have, and with whom?

I answered some of your comment in my previous comment to the other poster. She controls him with her mental health because he treads on egg shells around her. My daughter has witnessed SM hitting her dad whilst he was driving! He doesn’t appear to have control at all.

This.
Id stop her going as its not gd for DD MH in long run tbh...she will feel awful. Id say to dad that oc he can see her but youre protecting her as a mum and its best he sees her away fro his house. Its up to him to manage his wifes issues around others, not on DD

Don’t ask what you should do if you don’t want to do anything other than what you’ve already decided then FGS!

Thank you, I have tried to maintain her relationship with her Dad because I know it’s important but I feel that me letting him deal with it has not helped as he keeps thinking things will get better and SM mental health will improve. It hasn’t in 10years.

he has other children who are grown up so no other Ex partner is in the picture except me. She has hated me from the get go and I have never caused any difficulty towards their relationship to my knowledge, he pays maintenance, I never ask for any more, he sees DD when he wants, I will pick her up if he asks etc, I don’t contact him at all hours (rarely ever now DD has her own phone to arrange pick up etc).

it’s the little sneaky abusive things that hurt, like my DD had a bedroom there but every weekend her bed would be covered in laundry on the day she arrived (she went the same day every week, no need for it not to be removed). She had no toys there so I sent a doll house for her so she would have something to play with, SM sent it home. She would criticise the clothes my DD would wear. Would be one rule for her DD and another for my DD. She wouldn’t speak to her all weekend or would sit in another room when DD was there. Makes snide comments towards her etc. got to a point when my DD didn’t want to go anymore so I suggested just going for the day but it’s no better, he takes her to the park and SM goes mad about it when they get home (in front of DD). Accuses him of putting his ‘Bits’ in other women, in front of my child. It’s all just f**d things my child shouldn’t witness.

You didn’t make any suggestions though?? Just judgements on what you think I am doing wrong!

Absolutely not, in fact I said your ex is doing a lot wrong but you assumed the position of guilt, only you know why you did that. I re read what I wrote at no point did I accuse you of wrong doing. I even said I understand why you have no compassion for the SM yet still you feel I’ve judged you?!

I said encourage your daughter to speak to her dad herself and don’t be the middle man and be there to pick up the pieces if needed but you’ve already decided what to do so I don’t see the point in you asking others tbh. Waste of time.

Looks like you just want people to tell you to keep your DD away. And you having a bad experience with your own SM explains a lot about why you're demonising this woman. There must be some reason why your ex decided to marry this woman, I don't believe for a second that she's as toxic and unstable as you make out.

If it's that bad, take him to court and be done with it.

@Hye000 I have step kids, I am no longer with their dad and haven't been for 7 years, but they were then and will always be my bonus kids. I love the absolute bones of them.

Their mum could be a nightmare, she would slag me off, tell anyone who would listen that I was hideous to her kids. The triggers among other things...expecting them to eat with cutlery at 9 and 7 and not shovel food into their mouth with their hands, asking my dss at 12 to bring his washing down and not masterbate with his door open when he had 2 younger sisters.

I am not doubting your story but there are always 2 sides and it would be interesting to see the other side to this. Ultimately if you are so concerned about your dd why rhe hell are you still sending her?

I had a SM who had and has mental health issues. She verbally bullies my dad and says inappropriate things all the time.

I have had long conversations with him about why he didn't stand up to her. His response was he didn't realise how bad she was and what he'd gotten into until it was too late. Now he's too old to do anything about it. He's just ground down and looks really miserable at times but is just too frail now to do anything about it.

OP ignore the poster saying you're demonising this woman. You are not. You need to protect your daughter from the damage this woman can do to her mental health. In your position, your daughter is much more important than this woman's mental health.

Do not let her go to the house, offer her dad to have contact at your house. If she misses out on holidays or whatever, frame it in your mind that your daughter has not been exposed to toxic behaviour in a situation she can't leave or be protected in.

You are doing exactly the right thing by raising the concerns you are.

The hypocrisy is staggering when it comes to women, if this were a step dad there would be posters climbing over themselves to tell you keep her away.

And for what it's worth, I've been a step mum myself for nearly 20 years so I've walked the miles in her shoes and still think she's toxic.