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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Lack of boundaries

72 replies

Brainengaged1 · 18/08/2024 22:15

I really am at a loss to start here . I'm with my fiancé and he has two children from a previous relationship. I love him dearly , but his kids are driving me insane . He has an autistic teenager son whose monopolises our time and I almost dread it when I see him . His chatting has become worse , so that I feel excluded and I become smaller . I don't live in the same house but now find myself finding reasons to shorten my stays . I mention it to my partner and although he understands, not really sure what he can do about it . Even when I call my partner on camera rhe son is there and I feel like I'm having no privacy . What do I do ? I get the autism issue , but it doesn't help me process any better and our precious time is ruined

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

HollyGolightly4 · 18/08/2024 22:16

Break up with him?

His children come first

KendraTheVampyreSlayer · 18/08/2024 22:18

How long have you been together? TBH it doesn't sound like being a stepmum is for you, which is fine. But I think you should get out before making a proper commitment. Kids in general take up all your time, it's what they do. It's hard enough when they're your own, even harder when they're not yours.

HighlandCow78 · 18/08/2024 22:20

Rule 1: do not get into a serious relationship with someone if you dislike their children. Obviously their kids should come first.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/08/2024 22:30

What do you do? Don't get married to someone whose kids you don't like being with.

Original poster

Brainengaged1 · 18/08/2024 22:33

I can hear what your saying , but I know at times he feels the same way about his kids , it's not like I don't like them , it's just not being able to have a break with just us , constantly managing their moods which is draining for everyone.

OP posts:

Thunderboltandlightningveryveryfrightening · 18/08/2024 22:33

Being a sm isn't for everyone.. No shame in admitting that either.. Personally I hated it. Didn't hate the dc but hated the drama that came with them and similarly one had SN so everything was more so about him. . Very difficult.. Now exh was an utter crap df also. Glad to start afresh... New dh had no dc. All good. Walk away and feel no guilt op.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/08/2024 22:36

Well, no, unfortunately op parents don't get to have many breaks 'just us' from their children. Maybe sporadic bits here and there.

Does he have them full time?

Original poster

Brainengaged1 · 18/08/2024 22:39

Yes he is an incredible dad and he has them full time ,their own mum neglected them and lost all custody rights .

OP posts:

PrawnAgain · 18/08/2024 22:50

Op I think you have to decide what you want from your life. I love my DSCs but if my husband had had them full time I don't think our relationship would have got off the ground as we wouldn't have had that time to ourselves. If you want to be with him then you have to accept thad his son will always be around. And if his sons autism is severe he might well be rely on his father well into adulthood. This isn't the boys fault your boyfriends fault but it is a lot to take on

PrawnAgain · 18/08/2024 22:51

Well, no, unfortunately op parents don't get to have many breaks 'just us' from their children

Separated parents who co parent well and share childcare do.....

arethereanyleftatall · 18/08/2024 22:57

Oooh I know @PrawnAgain, I'm in that lovely situation too...

But the op isn't.

Op - how did you get to the stage of becoming his fiancée if he is a full time dad? You must have previously and initially managed to have lots of time without his dc on dates etc?

Original poster

Brainengaged1 · 18/08/2024 22:57

It's so incredibly sad , the complexities of having step kids mean that parenting is different. He does mention about assisted living at times but I know it will be heartbreaking

OP posts:

Original poster

Brainengaged1 · 18/08/2024 23:01

@arethereanyleftatall
The kids often come on dates with us

OP posts:

Original poster

Brainengaged1 · 18/08/2024 23:12

@KendraTheVampyreSlayer
We have been together for a while now , but the step kids issues have become more complex since we met .

OP posts:

Supersimkin7 · 18/08/2024 23:25

In all honesty OP I don’t think
there’s much you can do. DSS isn’t suddenly going to stop being autistic.

DP sounds as if he might lose you, which is awful, but a lot of parent-carers do end up single.

RubyWriter · 18/08/2024 23:29

I just don’t think this is the relationship for you.
If you need permission to end things - you have it. You can leave a relationship for any reason.
It isn’t right that you are avoiding staying at his and when you are with him you have to make yourself smaller. This is no life for you and you deserve a relationship where you don’t have to feel this way.
He has to prioritise his children - he has no choice as a full-time parent and carer of a child with a disability.
As tough as it will be it’s just doesn’t sound like the right time or circumstances.

Original poster

Brainengaged1 · 18/08/2024 23:32

@Supersimkin7 that is the saddest part of it because we all deserve happiness in our lives . He has dedicated his whole life to his children and that's what makes him so beautiful. Like you said autism isn't going to change, and i guess the question is how much my fiancée is wiling / able to look at options for his future needs .

OP posts:

Dreamiesarecatcrack · 18/08/2024 23:34

Honestly OP if you're struggling before you're even living together I think you have to really consider whether this relationship and the life it will bring is what you want. This man cannot ever make you his priority, he has sole responsibility for his DC and they will always need to come first. And that's as it should be but you need to think about whether that's enough for you because it's genuinely all he can offer.

Original poster

Brainengaged1 · 18/08/2024 23:43

Wow that struck such a cord with me in that he can never make me his priority .

He genuinely gives me his best and I now how hard that is for him to give me that time too , and the time we spend together is so precious ,

Families are always complicated, but due to the special needs it will never end / change

OP posts:

AnyThoughtsWelcome · 18/08/2024 23:46

Honestly OP don’t do it to yourself. It sounds pleasure-less and stressful and it won’t change. You’ll never be able to be ‘just you two’. That’s not an option. I wouldn’t want to sign up for that either. He sounds a good dad and his kids will and should come first. But I wouldn’t blame you for walking away from a situation which will only leave you frustrated and sad.

sunflowersngunpowdr · 19/08/2024 00:04

A lot of the time SMs are told they knew what they were getting in to when they married the guy with kids. Sometimes it's unfair but in this case it's 100% fact. You know exactly what you are getting in to if you marry him - you have no right to interfere with his duties as a single parent. If I were you I would not marry this man... he cannot give you what you need, at least not right now.

Dreamiesarecatcrack · 19/08/2024 00:40

Brainengaged1 · 18/08/2024 23:43

Wow that struck such a cord with me in that he can never make me his priority .

He genuinely gives me his best and I now how hard that is for him to give me that time too , and the time we spend together is so precious ,

Families are always complicated, but due to the special needs it will never end / change

I really feel for you OP because you clearly love him and whatever choice you make it's going to be hard. Either you go ahead and marry him knowing it's never going to be 'just you and him' and risk resentment and frustration building and spoiling things, or you call it off and have to get over losing someone you love. Neither are attractive options and only you know which would be worse for you. I do think you need to put yourself first here though, don't sign yourself up for something you know will make you miserable because we only get one life and you deserve to be happy.

Original poster

Brainengaged1 · 19/08/2024 00:49

@Dreamiesarecatcrack
Yes indeed very hard to
Look at it like this . We both love each other dearly and plan to
Marry next year . I'm so sad , because the kids issues weren't like this in the beginning, and it's taken over now . I can't even face telling him how I feel although he says he knows it's hard for me , I mean it's a rotten thing to say your special needs kids are making me stressed , and I can't cope with their demands of his attention .

OP posts:

Dreamiesarecatcrack · 19/08/2024 01:10

It's sad for both of you but if the reality is that he can't give you what you need in terms of time and attention then it's best if you both face that now before you commit any further. You will have far more to feel guilty about if you marry him knowing this is how you feel, that really would be unfair on both him and his DC. It's no one's fault but the goalposts have moved, your lives together now look different than you expected and if that isn't what you want you have a right to say so. I know it's easy for me to say and a million times harder to do when your emotions are involved though, I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this position.

Crazycatlady79 · 19/08/2024 03:31

You 'get the 'autism thing', do you?
It really feels like you don't, especially when you speak about it so dismissively.
The sad reality is that a lot of us single parents who have children with Autism and/or other disabilities can't or don't date purely because it is really hard to bring an outsider into that dynamic.
I mean, I struggle like fuck parenting AuDHD twins and they're my blood and I fiercely love them. So, I choose not to date, as I can't imagine anyone being able to deal with what I do on a daily basis.
It's hard enough being a step-parent (I was to my ex husband's eldest children) without any form of additional needs.
I feel for you, as it sounds like you really love this guy, but if you feel resentment now, it's only going to get worse once you're they're full-time.

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